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FlyCollieMan
Jun 8, 2007


But I feel no sadness or want to cry. I guess you could say I'm happy because he isn't hooked up to anymore machines and not suffering. I dont know where I'm go going with this really other than I just think its weird I feel normal after some of the shittiest news I've ever gotten and the rest of my family is just devastated and in tears

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Carl Killer Miller
Apr 28, 2007


Are you worried that this reflects poorly on you?

Yip Yips
Sep 25, 2007
yip-yip-yip-yip-yip

Different people deal with grief in different ways. It's not a competition to see who can cry the loudest.

FlyCollieMan
Jun 8, 2007


Carl Killer Miller posted:

Are you worried that this reflects poorly on you?

In a way I kind of do. I feel like an rear end in a top hat. My nephew just died and I feel like nothing even happened where my 2 older brothers had a hard time keeping it together on the phone telling me. I cried earlier in the day when I was told everything going on and that could happen with one of my brothers but when it came to it actually happening it like didn't effect me at all.

hate pants
Jul 17, 2012

FUCK PANTS 4 LYFE

maybe because you're spending this whole awful time worrying about yourslef and posting about it online

FlyCollieMan
Jun 8, 2007


Yip Yips posted:

Different people deal with grief in different ways. It's not a competition to see who can cry the loudest.

Nothing to do with that. I literally feel no need or want to cry. I can't even force myself to cry if I try. I seriously feel no different hearing this news than what I did last Tuesday when everything with the baby was just fine

FlyCollieMan
Jun 8, 2007


hate pants posted:

maybe because you're spending this whole awful time worrying about yourslef and posting about it online

No. I'm worried about how all my family in the hospital is doing. Especially my dad since he hasn't slept these past 2 days and was told he's taken it kinda hard. I was told my sister and her husband are handling it well so maybe that's why

Retail Slave
Nov 25, 2011

You are the only Packers poster who deserves the ignominy of an A.J. Hawk avatar. Enjoy.


There's no "wrong" way to grieve. There's a delayed reaction in some people. Maybe after all your family is done crying, it'll be your turn.

Just do what feels right. Be with your family, and don't think you're weird or anything for the reaction you're having.

I Love You!
Dec 6, 2002


You don't really have any magical obligation to grieve over something you have no personal connection to and that was only ever alive in the most basic manner for an extremely brief time.

I care a great deal about people and I wouldn't feel much of anything in the same situation outside of concern for the people I care about.

Parity warning
Nov 1, 2009


Yip Yips posted:

Different people deal with grief in different ways. It's not a competition to see who can cry the loudest.

Look at this lovely fail griever, never listen to a goon advice I always say to my cats.

Robbie Fowler
May 31, 2011


man at least you were sad about it at some stage, i pretty much don't grieve at all, I just lock up when bad poo poo happens to me and go into this crazy defensive mode where even if i show a slight hint of sadness, my mind quickly overrides it like i'm not allowed to feel pain.

poo poo's rough nigga.

betaraywil
Dec 30, 2006

Gather the wind
Though the wind won't help you fly at all

Try being there for your brother(?) and his wife(?). Viewing their grief should elicit a feeling of empathy.

Kimmalah
Nov 14, 2005

Basically just a baby in a trenchcoat.



FlyCollieMan posted:

Nothing to do with that. I literally feel no need or want to cry. I can't even force myself to cry if I try. I seriously feel no different hearing this news than what I did last Tuesday when everything with the baby was just fine

Why is it so specifically important that you cry about it? Part of it may be that the news hasn't really sunk in yet. Part of it may also be because you were a bit removed from the situation physically (I'm guessing since you got the news over the phone) and mentally. It's harder to grieve for a person you never really knew in the first place. But tears/no tears is not a good way to measure grief. Nor should you be worrying about whether you're feeling the "right amount" of it, whatever that is.

Main thing is try to be supportive for your family right now even if maybe it seems like they feel more strongly about it than you. It may actually be helpful for them to have someone around who is calm and can be a shoulder to cry on.

Kimmalah fucked around with this message at May 14, 2014 around 03:23

PopRocks
Jul 4, 2003

WTF am I reading?

FlyCollieMan posted:

I cried earlier in the day when I was told everything going on and that could happen with one of my brothers but when it came to it actually happening it like didn't effect me at all.

It sounds like you already grieved, and went through some worst-case scenarios in your head. Now you are feeling relief because the worst of it is over and the people you love are no longer in a long, drawn out limbo of having a sick / dying premie. You'll probably grieve again once that feeling of relief wanes.

PopRocks fucked around with this message at May 14, 2014 around 03:32

Tim Raines IRL
Aug 25, 2004

I should have stayed
in Canada


people grieve differently. Some lock themselves in dark bedrooms for days, others post threads in E/N.

Sigma-X
Jun 17, 2005

"thats pretty much it, we all got high, it was sweet you should of been there"
"god damnt knuckles, your plan didn't do anything"


Everyone copes with grief differently. What is important is to empathize with those who are hurting more than you, and to not prescribe your feelings (or other feelings) as right.

There is nothing wrong with how you feel, nor should you feel guilty for not feeling a specific way. Feeling relieved that he is now at peace is fine, just don't expect or judge people who feel differently.

It's OK to not feel OK with feeling OK too, just don't dwell on the guilty feelings. It's all part of the coping.

Fried Watermelon
Dec 29, 2008



Just help our your family and buy them some mcdonalds to make it better

johnny sack
Jan 30, 2004

One day, this team will play to their expectations...

Just not this year..


Your siblings had a child die. To them, whether their son was 18 hours old or 18 years old, it was their child all the same. Sure they didn't "know" the child like they would if he was 18 years old, but they had hopes for his future, talked about raising him, loved him, and so forth.

Nobody is saying you need to cry, but at the very least you should probably be sad that this poor child apparently never really had a chance to live, and never will have another chance. That's very sad that 100% of his existence was out of his control and he never got to live.

ChairMaster
Aug 22, 2009



You don't have to be sad at all if you don't want. It's really nobody's business but your own, and you're definitely not obligated to feel sad for someone who not only you never knew, but nobody anywhere ever knew.

This same kind of thing happens literally every single day and has for thousands of years.

Uncle Salty
Jan 19, 2008
BOYS

I'm sorry, friend.

Bip Roberts
Mar 29, 2005



That kid was like 6 months away from a personality which means basically no one but it's parents would really be attached. That said it's probably really hard on the parents and you should help them.

uptown
May 16, 2009


Whatever you feel is okay and whatever you feel later is okay too. You might always feel this way, or 6 months from now you might suddenly be devastated. My situation is quite different, but my mom's mom, who brought me up, had Alzheimer's, and I was relieved when she finally died. That was mid-August, and I'm usually okay, but sometimes I have bouts of horrible depression about her being gone even though it's 100% for the best.

HopperUK
Apr 29, 2007

Clear off, fatso, this is a respectable establishment


I know when something happens that doesn't affect me at all, the first thing I do is post in E/N about it. Just look after yourself, dude, and don't worry about feeling 'correct'. Look after your bereaved loved ones and don't push yourself towards feelings. Let them happen.

Guni
Mar 11, 2010


My goondolences. That's an extremely tough thing to happen upon a family. I don't really have any advice to offer, just be there for anyone who may need it/comfort them when needed.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Dec 28, 2007

Kiss this and hang



Guni posted:

My goondolences. That's an extremely tough thing to happen upon a family. I don't really have any advice to offer, just be there for anyone who may need it/comfort them when needed.

Very sorry for your family's loss. The best thing to do now is just take care of the ones that are grieving. Maybe ask if you can bring some takeout over, or if they need any chores done that they've been neglecting. Just offer to step up for them while they are still dealing with their grief. Then it won't matter what you feel, it's what you are doing at the moment.

Konar
Dec 14, 2006


FlyCollieMan posted:

Nothing to do with that. I literally feel no need or want to cry. I can't even force myself to cry if I try. I seriously feel no different hearing this news than what I did last Tuesday when everything with the baby was just fine

Obviously something to do with that, you are posting about it on the internet rear end in a top hat

Jeza
Feb 13, 2011

The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.


Kiss Kiss Bang Bang posted:

The best thing to do now is just take care of the ones that are grieving. Maybe ask if you can bring some takeout over, or if they need any chores done that they've been neglecting.

Nothing makes me crave Chinese more than the death of an infant

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Dec 28, 2007

Kiss this and hang



Jeza posted:

Nothing makes me crave Chinese more than the death of an infant

If you are from the Midwest: casserole

Miranda
Dec 24, 2004

Not a cuttlefish.

I work in neonatal and sometimes it can be a relief to know they aren't suffering anymore, they don't have to fight to breathe or stay warm or anything. It's a terrible situation, and there's no "right way" to feel about it.

Jeza
Feb 13, 2011

The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.


Kiss Kiss Bang Bang posted:

If you are from the Midwest: casserole

Woah you can get casserole takeout? Clearly I've never lived.

Unicorncupcake
Sep 13, 2011



When someone is suffering, and that suffering comes to an end, a feeling of relief that they have been released from pain and discomfort isn't unreasonable or unusual.

Your job now is to spend less time worrying that your grieving process is normal, and instead be sympathetic and provide support for your grieving family in whatever manner you can. It is not a terrible thing to be calm and rational during times of crisis and to help people through making difficult and essentially emotional choices in a manner that is best for both their immediate needs and their long-term happiness. As long as you are being sensitive to the needs of your loved ones, you are being considerate that others in your family may be dealing with their loss in different ways, and you are dealing with your loss in a healthy manner, don't worry too much about conforming to one definition of coping with a loss.

Pick
Jul 19, 2009

Panthera tigris
If a cat draws human penises, is it a furry-1?


I hope you feel bad for the child's parents, but the child wasn't someone you really had a connection to so not grieving it isn't so strange and might just be how you're going to handle it. Probably like a dozen people died while you wrote your tiny OP and no one expected you to cry about it either.

waffle
May 12, 2001
HEH


You should just talk to your brother/sister and be there for them. I don't think you should feel bad about not being sad about the child, he was only alive for a brief moment in time so it's totally understandable that you didn't have much of an attachment to him, but realize it hits the child's parents way more--they were the ones that had hopes and dreams for their child.

Jeffrey
Dec 22, 2005



Yeah, the only role you ought to play is that of a supportive brother - I don't think it is on you that you aren't wracked with grief over an 18 hour old baby who you never met and was less intelligent/self-aware than most of the animals we eat for food.

Pilsner
Nov 23, 2002



Sounds like a normal reaction to me. Not caring, or not grieving doesn't mean you think what happened is good nor that you wish bad things upon your family members. It's just not very close to you, and particularly if you don't have children yourself I'd say it's very normal to carry little to no emotions regarding other children.

shovelbum
Oct 21, 2010

The managers always talked about having the view from 30,000 feet. The only problem with having the view from 30,000 feet, is at that height, everybody looks like ants.


Pilsner posted:

Sounds like a normal reaction to me. Not caring, or not grieving doesn't mean you think what happened is good nor that you wish bad things upon your family members. It's just not very close to you, and particularly if you don't have children yourself I'd say it's very normal to carry little to no emotions regarding other children.

Yeah a baby that young that died that quick isn't really a person unless it's YOUR baby.

Yip Yips
Sep 25, 2007
yip-yip-yip-yip-yip

PopRocks posted:

It sounds like you already grieved, and went through some worst-case scenarios in your head. Now you are feeling relief because the worst of it is over and the people you love are no longer in a long, drawn out limbo of having a sick / dying premie. You'll probably grieve again once that feeling of relief wanes.

Seconded.

The fact that you're self-aware enough to ask this question says to me that you're fine. It can even be helpful to have someone whose reaction to tragedy is to carry on.

Sunshine89
Nov 22, 2009


shovelbum posted:

Yeah a baby that young that died that quick isn't really a person unless it's YOUR baby.

There's a big difference between not crying and not caring.

Like, when my maternal grandmother died, I wasn't sad. I knew it was coming- she was 86, had severe dementia and her body was failing. When she died one night, I was relieved that she wasn't suffering anymore. I loved my grandmother, so obviously I wasn't all "ding, dong, the witch is dead!", but gently caress, it was much harder on me watching her suffer, and I felt guilty for not being sadder over her passing.

Honj Steak
May 31, 2013

Hi there.


Retail Slave posted:

There's no "wrong" way to grieve. There's a delayed reaction in some people. Maybe after all your family is done crying, it'll be your turn.

Pretty much this. Sometimes it takes months or even years, sometimes it will never happen.

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Profondo Rosso
Feb 14, 2012


living is pain, and the infant was really saved a life of suffering by dying before any real capacity for thought developed. some food for thought op!

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