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Kung-Fu Jesus
Dec 13, 2003





Join me and the posse for another delightful episode in the continuing adventures of Éclair "Lightning" Farron, her sister Serah, Snow, Hope, Sazh, Vanille, Fang, Noel, and all the rest. This go around, time is not on our side! Lightning (she prefers to be called Lightning instead of her birth name) has been drafted into the service of the great god of all to save the souls of mankind before the end of the world. We've got 6 days and not one second more to fulfill her epic destiny. Will we have enough time? Is Snow a hero or a villain? Why is Serah still in this game? Is this game for the win?

I tell ya, folks, this game is rewriting the playbook. We've got
  • Heavily revised battle and stagger system
  • Rad costumes called Schemata
  • Lean, mean narrative machine Lightning is the only playable character
  • Toki wo tomare
  • Ikea furniture
  • Chaos
  • Lots of sidequests
  • Erotica

Does that get your juices flowing? I had to towel off after writing up that list! Anyway, I'm not alone because that would be a total bummer! Joining me are pokecapn, medibot, and Kaz. We may or may not have Optional Party Members that step in and argue heatedly about video games from time to time. I don't have control over my guests, it's wild!

So that's the starter salad, here's the vegan lasagna entree.


01 - Party At The End Of The World
02 - Law And Order
03 - A Game of Assassins
04 - Killing Time
05 - Chronostasis


06 - Numbers Game
07 - Beaver
08 - Ignition (Remix)
09 - Drop
10 - Good rear end
11 - Cyrus Return's
12 - Dracula
13 - Ciel


14 - The Setup
15 - Yusnaan
16 - Honky-Tonk
17 - Der Dieb
18 - Baffler Meal

Kung-Fu Jesus fucked around with this message at Aug 5, 2014 around 02:26

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Kung-Fu Jesus
Dec 13, 2003



For anyone interested in The Story So Far:

Gensuki posted:

In order:

Cocoon was made by Lindzei because humans kept dying on pulse. This was answered in the datalog for the first game.

The Robot Angels work the same way minnows/a stereo/you work. It is very complicated, and you would basically have to spend your life studying it. Sure there is probably some short answer to hold you over, but that wouldn't really answer the question.

Short answer is Bhunivelze. He is God proper in this game. He made the gods (e.g. etro) and those idiots made the fal'cie and humans. The Fal'cie, as you wisely pointed out were like angels, and were meant to guide/support humans.

There is no short answer for the last one so... here goes.

Lightning was a cop. Her sister wandered too close to a crashed UFO and the government wanted to run some experiments on her, so she hid inside the UFO. She turned into a rock because the Angel-Mechas liked her and wanted to re-use her to clean dishes or whatever angels want humans for. Seeing this angered lightning, so she tried to kill said angel.

That angel was impressed by the humans (Lightning being one of them) who so valiantly managed to annoy it kinda, so it drafted them into helping destroy the hell out of cocoon. It wanted help from puny humans because gods are lazy. It wanted cocoon to fall because it missed its mother/father and blowing up cocoon would cause so many deaths that the gates of heaven would be blown apart by the current of souls.

They succeeded, but asked for a miracle, and resident crackhead god etro heard them and answered their prayers. Etro changed History to make everyone not be l'cie.In return, Lightning was drafted into being a valkyrie, which is someone who guards Valhalla, because gods are lazy and want humans to do stuff for them. Valhalla is an in-between world, and is where Etro is dying. By the way Etro is dying. Gods die very slowly. She is dying there because time does not flow in Valhalla. So she's not dying as long as time's stopped.

Caius kills Etro, because while time may have stopped, her heart inside him also stopped. With etro dead, time shat itself in fear, confusion, anger, and gates. Also Chaos. This destroyed the world. Seeing as Lightning had served an angel and a demigod, Bhunivelze saw her as the most qualified human to prepare the world for the reboot. This brings us to now when lightning is "The Saviour" by virtue of being basically the last sentient being who is 1. Competent and 2. knowledgeable of what is happening. All of the old party members are one of these two, but not the other (Hope and Vanille are incompetent, Sazh and Snow don't understand all this triple god nonsense, and fang is kinda pissed I hear? Not sure.)

So, aside does this clear it up? Did I miss anything? Any names or processes that need elaboration? I love talking about this game, its plot, its characters and the timeline. Oh yes... Timelines.

Kung-Fu Jesus fucked around with this message at May 18, 2014 around 17:27

ManOfTheYear
Jan 5, 2013


Why is there salad in the logo?

medibot
Apr 14, 2004

baby hipster pope

ManOfTheYear posted:

Why is there salad in the logo?

Try reading the OP again, a little more carefully this time.

I have a cameo appearance in the game software, so keep an eye out for me in an upcoming episode.

Yoya
Nov 6, 2009

I already bought the chicken


I've heard this game is really bad.

Kung-Fu Jesus
Dec 13, 2003



Yoya posted:

I've heard this game is really bad.

Cool

Rocketlex
Oct 21, 2008

The Manliest Knight
in Caketown


I bought this game hoping it would be at least enjoyably bad like XIII-2 was, but I could only stand to play it for a few hours. I'm thinking I might just watch this to see the rest of it.

This game is not fun to play.

Kung-Fu Jesus
Dec 13, 2003



ManOfTheYear posted:

Why is there salad in the logo?

Man of the year right here

pokecapn
Oct 17, 2003

yeah, galo sengen

Kung-Fu Jesus posted:

Is this game for the win?

I pray to Galvanize it is.

tinkerttoy
Dec 30, 2013


ManOfTheYear posted:

Why is there salad in the logo?

Let us play.

Rirse
May 6, 2006

By The Scarecrow In My Room



Been waiting on this LP for a while. Ironically the game is on sale for $25 if you want to suffer the game with KFJ.

http://tinyurl.com/l7l57w5

Weird BIAS
Jul 4, 2007

This Bird


Kung-Fu Jesus posted:

So that's the starter salad, here's the vegan lasagna entree.


01 - A Party At The End Of The World

How many buckets of nutritional yeast flakes are going into this lettuce play entree?

Mr. Sunabouzu
Nov 13, 2009

The face of true terror.


Neat. This is a fun combat system wrapped in the dumbest most incomprehensible hot mess and I cannot help but love it for the cute little train wreck of a game it is.

SSNeoman
Jul 19, 2011

Villain tip: Next time kill
someone I actually like.


This is actually a Kind Of Cool Game. Cabella Monster Hunter - Silly FF Dress-up Edition is pretty great.

Just don't pay attention to the story. Pretend it doesn't exist. It hates you. It will hurt all you love with how awful it is.

CrushedB
Jun 1, 2008



What a beautiful child you have there.

President Ark
May 16, 2010

Looks like you got a good deal there!

I've watched the FFXIII-2 LP, and I'm pretty sure that you doing this after that trainwreck is a sign that you're certifiably insane.

Geop
Oct 26, 2007

Eat our hamburgers!
Eat hamburgers anywhere!
Let's eat hamburgers together!


$4 for Japanese audio? I'm amazed they didn't charge you to turn on subtitles.

There's so much bloat DLC. Wish I could say I'm surprised in you, S-E, but I'm not...

Cleretic
Feb 3, 2010

Fighting Rikti forever, That's just what Giant Robo CoX do.

I hope the best character returns in this. Gogmagog had better turn up and say hi.

I almost don't want to watch this LP, though. XIII-2's ending is just too perfect, and I just know it's going to be reversed.

Kung-Fu Jesus
Dec 13, 2003



President Ark posted:

I've watched the FFXIII-2 LP, and I'm pretty sure that you doing this after that trainwreck is a sign that you're certifiably insane.

Take comfort in the fact that no force in the universe can make me re-play FF13 (the first one)

Mr. Sunabouzu
Nov 13, 2009

The face of true terror.


Would you like to know a forbidden fact about the dlc? It's all garbage on anything higher than easy mode (lucky them) so you pay $4 for a handicap and a cute custom win animation. Aces.

Axle_Stukov
Feb 26, 2011

Stylin'


Geop posted:

$4 for Japanese audio? I'm amazed they didn't charge you to turn on subtitles.

There's so much bloat DLC. Wish I could say I'm surprised in you, S-E, but I'm not...

Honestly I'm surprised it's taken this long for someone to go for the cashgrab of making the Japanese track paid DLC. Since there's the massive market that will happily pay 4$ for their kawaii sugoi Japanese voice track.

Rocketlex
Oct 21, 2008

The Manliest Knight
in Caketown


Axle_Stukov posted:

Honestly I'm surprised it's taken this long for someone to go for the cashgrab of making the Japanese track paid DLC. Since there's the massive market that will happily pay 4$ for their kawaii sugoi Japanese voice track.

If they did this with Sonic games it'd put Sega back on top of the industry.

DoubleDonut
Oct 22, 2010



I played the demo of this and could not for the life of me figure out how the hell the plot could possibly get from where it is at the end of 13-2 to where it is in the demo.

I am excited to find out how this game measures up to the FF13 fanfiction you guys read last time.

SSNeoman
Jul 19, 2011

Villain tip: Next time kill
someone I actually like.


Geop posted:

$4 for Japanese audio? I'm amazed they didn't charge you to turn on subtitles.

There's so much bloat DLC. Wish I could say I'm surprised in you, S-E, but I'm not...

To be fair, XIII-2's DLCs were the best part of XIII-2. This is just mostly other schema which isn't even that good.

DoubleDonut posted:

I played the demo of this and could not for the life of me figure out how the hell the plot could possibly get from where it is at the end of 13-2 to where it is in the demo.

I am excited to find out how this game measures up to the FF13 fanfiction you guys read last time.

Would you like me to answer this question? Because I can

Bobbin Threadbare
Jan 2, 2009

I'm looking for a flock of urbanmechs.



What, no "Kissed by a Rose" this time?

Getsuya
Oct 2, 2013

The dream and romance of any REAL man!


Yesss. With this I can fully experience the full experience of the Final Fantasy 13 trilogy without needing to play it or think of witty commentary of my own.

Red Suit
Sep 6, 2012


SSNeoman posted:

Would you like me to answer this question? Because I can

That depends on how stupid it is. Either way, the answer is yes because I'm curious.

Gensuki
Sep 2, 2011


No time to watch the video because I am counting dead people, but is this a "live" play or did you record this 3 months ago like last time?

Kung-Fu Jesus
Dec 13, 2003



Well I can't have recorded it 3 months ago because the game came out three months ago. We recorded stuff sometime in the last 3 months.

HOOLY BOOLY
Jan 27, 2014

Planes,Trains,and BOTES!


I'm sad there is kind of a meh opinion of this game. Sure the story still standard FFXII fare, but it's probably the best use of the XII combat system plus i admit i'm a sucker for Lightning and adding in Majora's Mask elements plus pretty pretty princess dress up makes this literally the best game.

BearPlayingGuitar
Nov 30, 2011


I actually platinumed this game for whatever dumb reason. I enjoyed the battle system and thought it was neat. But as echoed in the thread, you really can't take the plot seriously because of how much it's up it's own rear end.

Also there's a really angry dude who commented like five times on your video and I can't even comprehend why.

SSNeoman
Jul 19, 2011

Villain tip: Next time kill
someone I actually like.


Red Suit posted:

That depends on how stupid it is. Either way, the answer is yes because I'm curious.

Short answer: Watch this recap video posted on Square Enix of NA's official channel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQrBSO74DzA

Long answer: OKAY! So in XIII-2 Serah and Noel travel through time to stop Caius from destroying the timeline and causing a giant Time Crash. For those who don't remember,

Caius - An invincible Marty-Stu wielding a Soul Edge knock-off. He is canonically more powerful than any other FF villain and can basically do whatever the gently caress he wants, even if it means breaking the established rules of the setting.
Caius is immortal because Etro decided to give him her heart. This lets him live forever and lets him access to almost unlimited power. He is the Guardian of Yeul(s), a seeress who is constantly dying and being reborn. Noel is his apprentice and was supposed to kill him and take his place. Caius is trying to destroy time so that Yeul would live forever with him in a timeless existence. The fact that this would kill everyone else in the loving world ever is something Caius gives no fucks about. His only redeeming feature is that he is voiced by Liam O'Brian.
I should also mention that there was a scene in XIII-2 where he shapeshifted into Yeul and then tried to kiss Serah. Take that as you will.

Yeul - A girl who is constantly dying and being reborn. Etro gave her eyes that let her see the future, but every time she has a vision, her life span is shortened. Etro is kind of a bitch that way. Every time she dies, another Yeul is born to take her place. Is basically the worst character in the franchise and holy hell how I hate her. She talks in monotone, she is a walking retcon, she does nothing but spout exposition and the game treats her less as a character and more as a plot device.

Etro - A goddess who simultaneously saved the world and hosed it up. Is responsible for creating humanity and her Gate keeps the Spirit World/Chaos out of the real world.

So Noel and Serah meet Caius in Valhalla (Etro's Pad where Lightning chills) and they have a tussle. Caius skewers himself on Noel's sword and Etro's heart is destroyed. This causes Etro to die which releases chaos into the world and destroys the timeline. Serah suddenly gets a vision of the future which causes her to drop dead. A timeless existence ensues and all of existence will cease to be as soon as chaos destroys what's left of the world.
If you 100%ed the game, you get a bonus image of Caius sitting in the throne in Valhalla laughing that Etro is dead and time has stopped. He talks to an off-screen Yeul [A YEUL THAT LIKED DUTCH ANGLES!!!] before the game fades to black. So yes, the villain wins except his plan had everyone but him and Yeul dying. This plan has everyone including him and Yeul dying and never being able to be reborn/reach the afterlife. But that won't happen for like 100 years.


That was basically SE's way of saying "gently caress you".

SSNeoman fucked around with this message at May 14, 2014 around 04:30

sharrrk
Feb 13, 2012



I loved the 13-2 let's play and I'm really excited to see this one. Looking forward to more squinting.

Nostalgic Pushead
Jul 31, 2013

.


Ah, as crisp and fresh as expected - this has made a rough day a lot more palatable. I am patiently awaiting further entries in what is sure to be a glorious series of videos. I feel sorry for you guys, though, I really do.

pokecapn
Oct 17, 2003

yeah, galo sengen

Gensuki posted:

No time to watch the video because I am counting dead people, but is this a "live" play or did you record this 3 months ago like last time?

We're only at the end of the second day as far as pre-recorded videos go, so there is plenty of game for you, the people, to put the lettuce in lettuce play. I highly suggest figuring out a way of telling us what colors to make our schemata (maybe look up a schemata you like and hope we stumble across it?), because we aren't inspired enough to tweak all the colors separately. I really want this to happen. I want some good rear end schemata colors.

floor is lava
May 14, 2007

mmfffmf mfmf mff


Already talked to poke about this but you're going to miss a ton of poo poo playing on easy. Bummer.

http://finalfantasy.wikia.com/wiki/Difficulty_Level#Lightning_Returns:_Final_Fantasy_XIII

floor is lava fucked around with this message at May 14, 2014 around 04:32

Bobbin Threadbare
Jan 2, 2009

I'm looking for a flock of urbanmechs.



BearPlayingGuitar posted:

I actually platinumed this game for whatever dumb reason. I enjoyed the battle system and thought it was neat. But as echoed in the thread, you really can't take the plot seriously because of how much it's up it's own rear end.

Also there's a really angry dude who commented like five times on your video and I can't even comprehend why.

Looks like some good old-fashioned trolling to me. Best ignore it.

Also, if the FF writers have some betting pool going for who can craft the most stupid, nonsensical, obtuse plot, I'd say the guy tasked with 13-3 is off to a grand start.

pokecapn posted:

We're only at the end of the second day as far as pre-recorded videos go, so there is plenty of game for you, the people, to put the lettuce in lettuce play. I highly suggest figuring out a way of telling us what colors to make our schemata (maybe look up a schemata you like and hope we stumble across it?), because we aren't inspired enough to tweak all the colors separately. I really want this to happen. I want some good rear end schemata colors.

Two words, friend: fuchsia and lime.

pokecapn
Oct 17, 2003

yeah, galo sengen

floor is lava posted:

Already talked to poke about this but you're going to miss a ton of poo poo playing on easy. Bummer.

There's always new game plus

floor is lava
May 14, 2007

mmfffmf mfmf mff


pokecapn posted:

There's always new game plus

It doesn't let you go up in difficulty afaik. Better check.

You can go right to hard mode from a easy ng+ save if you beat the final boss.

floor is lava fucked around with this message at May 14, 2014 around 04:35

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MykonosFan
Sep 9, 2012

Hows my homies training
going? Whaa? Hey! What
are you doing Ronald?



You're the bravest man I never knew KFJ

I 100%'d the first FF XIII over a boring summer break. Picked up XIII-2, enjoyed the game play more and never finished it and instead just opted to watch your LP. So I'll probably watch this LP and then buy the game and play it because I'm an idiot. Should be fun in some capacity!

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