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 "Forget it Jake, it's Adventure Time."
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May 22, 2014 11:54
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| # ? Apr 25, 2024 01:36 |
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Oh, well played 
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May 22, 2014 12:09
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The front doorbell rang, at last a potential client. "MOOOOOOOOOM DOOOOR!" No sound. The doorbell rang again. "MOOOOOOOOOOOOM GET THE DOOR!" I yelled louder. The door rang a third time. Why won't she answer it, this is my business she is ruining. I got up and stomped over to the kitchen, maybe a Pop Tart will calm me down. It rang a fourth time. I can see the client outside, she looks pretty, a potential girlfriend! "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM" I bellow, so loud the client stopped and seems surprised. Nothing. Bitch won't answer the door, and I need the money badly. I clenched the Pop Tart in anger, the strawberry squishing inbetween my fingers, another thing she has ruined in my life. I stomp back to my desk, I think it is time I acted like a proper man. I begin to type "Hello /reddit, today my mom ruined my life...
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May 22, 2014 14:11
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The pounding rain stopped; a fine mist hung in the air and gave my crippling fear of water a pass. I pulled the brim of my hat down and the neck of my trenchcoat up, just like same Sam Spade, Dan Steel, Tracey Brick, Adam Ransall, Brett Wolf, Rick Irons, Frank Stallion, Mick Cudgel, Robert Salome, Artie Fincher, Robbie MacArthur, Sal Bergman, Mack Bellamy and Patrick ''Pat'' Hammer must have before me. The list of fictional detectives went on and on but before I could leave I had to recite it out loud. The rain had started again, and I froze.
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May 22, 2014 16:21
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The dame was brilliant, all right. Blonde curls, sparkling blue eyes, gams up to the heavens, and a dress almost as brilliantly red as those fiery, sinful lips. She swept through the dingy apartment, and I felt my nerves heave and roil, just another soul in purgatory beholding an angel for the first time...just another soul in purgatory willing to fall all the way to hell for this angel. She propped herself tantalizingly on the edge of my desk, eyes darting to the side, shifting under heavy dark lashes as she saw my picture frame in its place of honor by my keyboard. "Oh, what's this, is this your family? I-" The angel's expression shifted suddenly, each one more beautiful than the last...surprise, confusion, disgust, and horror...horror that must have been her realization that perhaps her divine presence didn't have as much power on me as she had thought. I adjusted my fedora down over my eyes, reaching one hand out to return the framed picture to its proper place. "Her name is Hatsune Miku...and I love her."
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May 22, 2014 18:21
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We met in a small alley, situated just behind the bank in the capital. Moon was especially bright that night, and its rays shone upon her reminding me of why I did this in the first place. It was not an easy task, but it was worth it. Her beauty was unmatched by anything a mere mortal have ever seen. Her eyes looked like they were glowing on their own, like two sapphires burning brightly in a cold vastness of space. Her smile could move mountains and her frown could bury you underneath them. "Have you found it, Sam?" - she asked me in her heavenly, almost melodic voice. "Yes, I did" - I answered, trying to keep my cool and not betraying my emotions. "Give it to me them. I trust you haven't been using it yourself?" "Of course not, m'lady. Here you go. I expect now that you will properly compensate me for my work?" "Not yet, there is something else I need you to find for me first" - She said coyly. "What?" - I yelled. "Female, for the last six months I have been travelling all over the world to find this for you. Deserts, jungles, mountains, everywhere I have been. I raided old and forgotten tombs. I was attacked by wild beasts, I bled and I almost died one time too many. My private funds are almost exhausted for buying necessary supplies and getting from one place to the next. I had to deal with some really shifty characters, all of which were dangerous and untrustworthy. I..I'm sorry, but I don't think I can." She stood there for several moments, and then let loose her clothes. In her underwear, she started dancing seductively. Dammit, she knew my weakness, she knew I couldn't say no to her. Not now, not ever. "All right! I will do this for you female. You know that my heart melts when you do this to me." Dammit, and did it to me again, she did! Why, oh why did they had to make night elves so drat hot? But one way or the other, I'm getting my /kiss. I've earned it after all this years.
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May 22, 2014 20:17
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Disco Infiva posted:We met in a small alley, situated just behind the bank in the capital. Moon was especially bright that night, and its rays shone upon her reminding me of why I did this in the first place. It was not an easy task, but it was worth it. Her beauty was unmatched by anything a mere mortal have ever seen. Her eyes looked like they were glowing on their own, like two sapphires burning brightly in a cold vastness of space. Her smile could move mountains and her frown could bury you underneath them. well done
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May 22, 2014 21:02
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Quantum of Phallus posted:
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May 23, 2014 00:01
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Quantum of Phallus posted:
5'd
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May 23, 2014 00:04
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May 23, 2014 00:07
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cherchez la
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May 23, 2014 00:08
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"So someone pushed your husband in front of a train?" She nodded, not trusting herself to speak. I felt a sudden wave of panic myself. "Was the train hurt? Did it arrive or depart the station past the time stated on the board?" She looked at me in what I think was shock, but shook her head. I frowned, not sure why she was so upset.
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May 23, 2014 00:27
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Goldmine.
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May 23, 2014 00:37
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I gently pushed the tape with my index and middle fingers on my right hand into the 20" combination TV/VCR as I had done many times before. Figures appeared on the screen, moving and making noise. The light of the cathode ray lit up the dimly lit, undecorated room. On the screen, a man was walking his dog through the park. A lady approached him with a dog of their own. As the two moved closer the dogs ran around each other, tangling their owners together. The sight of the two getting wrapped up made me laugh loudly and vocalize. Suddenly something caught my attention, I used my index finger on my right hand and pushed the rewind button. Then pushed play. The dogs tangled up the owners. I laughed. I pushed rewind. I pushed play...
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May 23, 2014 00:56
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Tom Poolhouse tipped his own fedora with a dirty finger. "His mom caught him alone in his room--with this." He took a pink DVD from his coat-pocket and held it out to Sperglord. Dried cum covered the underage girls on the DVD cover. "An anime. Kawaii, ain't it?" Sperglord tipped his fedora and leaned down to look at the DVD, but he did not touch it. "Yes," he said, "Puella Magi Madoka Magica. That's it. Magical Girl, Ume Aoki. Hit by tsunami, delayed making any more. How many cookie crumbs are on it?" "One or two." Tom tipped his fedora again. "He must've been hungry when he slapped his mom." He raised the crusty DVD. "Ever seen this before?" Sperglord nodded. "I've seen Madoka Magica," he said without interest, and then mumbled unintelligibly.
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May 23, 2014 01:01
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The dame and I were hot on the perp's trail. Days ago, before everything spiraled out of control like I'd never seen before, I'd warned her things could get like this. Bad, real bad. Of course, it's hard to make much sense of things when you're staring at a pair of legs from here til Christmas and into eyes so big and blue you can see yourself in them and almost forget about this crazy mixed up world for a moment or two. They don't make em like that anymore. We followed our mark into the Old Port Warehouse, just south of town. Nothin but junkies and empty shipping crates there now, this would be difficult. It was dark and humid that night, the air was thick as molasses. Just as we thought he'd given us the slip, he slinked out of the mist, gleaming gun in hand, like a hungry gray wolf, also known as the timber wolf, true wolf or western wolf which is a canid native to the wilderness and remote areas of North America, Eurasia, and North Africa. It is the largest extant member of its family, with males averaging 43–45 kg (95–99 lb), and females 36–38.5 kg (79–85 lb). Like the red wolf, it is distinguished from other Canis species by its larger size and less pointed features, particularly on the ears and muzzle. Its winter fur is long and bushy, and predominantly a mottled gray in color, although nearly pure white, red, or brown to black also occur. The gray wolf is the most specialised member of the genus Canis, as demonstrated by its morphological adaptations to hunting large prey, its more gregarious nature, and its highly advanced expressive behavior. It is nonetheless closely related enough to smaller Canis species, such as the eastern wolf, coyote and golden jackal to produce fertile hybrids. It is the only species of Canis to have a range encompassing both the Old and New Worlds, and originated in Eurasia during the Pleistocene, colonizing North America on at least three separate occasions during the Rancholabrean. It is a social animal, travelling in nuclear families consisting of a mated pair, accompanied by the pair's adult offspring. The gray wolf is typically an apex predator throughout its range, with only humans and tigers posing a serious threat to it. It feeds primarily on large ungulates, though it also eats smaller animals, livestock, carrion, and garbage. The gray wolf is one of the world's best known and well researched animals, with probably more books written about it than any other wildlife species. It has a long history of association with humans, having been despised and hunted in most pastoral communities due to its attacks on livestock, while conversely being respected in some agrarian and hunter-gatherer societies. It is the sole ancestor of the dog, which genetic and paleontological records indicate was first domesticated in Europe 18,800-32,100 years ago by hunter-gatherers. Although the fear of wolves is pervasive in many human societies, the majority of recorded attacks on people have been attributed to animals suffering from rabies. Non-rabid wolves have attacked and killed people, mainly children, but this is unusual, as wolves are relatively few, live away from people, and have been taught to fear humans by hunters and shepherds. The gray wolf was once one of the world's most widely distributed mammals, living throughout the northern hemisphere north of 15°N latitude in North America and 12°N in India. However, deliberate human persecution has reduced the species' range to about one third, due to livestock predation and fear over attacks on humans. The species is now extinct in much of Western Europe, in Mexico and much of the USA. In modern times, the gray wolf occurs mostly in wilderness and remote areas, particularly in Canada, Alaska and northern USA, Europe, and Asia from about 75°N to 12°N. Wolf population declines have been arrested since the 1970s, and have fostered recolonization and reintroduction in parts of its former range, due to legal protection, changes in land-use and rural human population shifts to cities. Competition with humans for livestock and game species, concerns over the danger posed by wolves to people, and habitat fragmentation pose a continued threat to the species. Despite these threats, because of the gray wolf's relatively widespread range and stable population, it is classified as Least Concern by the IUCN. Anyway, the perp shot the dame and escaped. GreatGreen fucked around with this message at 14:03 on May 23, 2014 |
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May 23, 2014 02:03
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The dame had spiked my drink. When I came to I was tied to a chair in a hotel room. Smelled like an Embassy Suites. Maybe a Best Western. I had been stripped of my katana and replica Blade of Woe from The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. I preferred it to the version in Skyrim. I would need to get a date-rape kit as well. Who knows if that dame had spermjacked me. "Rise and shine Sam," a man said, sitting at the desk. "Who are you?" I asked. "And what am I doing here?" "I'll ask the questions Sam," the man replied. "You think you're such a great detective, but what do you think people will say when they find out about your other hobby?" My eyes widened as he turned his Microsoft Surface tablet around. There was my drawing of Rainbow Dash getting buttfucked by a futa version of Twilight Sparkle. "You seem to have a very profound fetish Sam." "What are you planning to do?" I asked. The man smiled. "It's Garbage Day for you Sam Sperglord," he said as he hit send on the mass email to all my contacts. In one swift second he had dumped all my secrets onto my friends and family. I was ruined.
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May 23, 2014 02:47
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I hate to break character, but I love you more than a little bit right now.
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May 23, 2014 04:26
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Ghost Farts posted:It had taken a while, but I had tracked down the client's daughter to a dingy bordello on the outskirts. How noone else had bothered to search for her on prostitution rating sites is beyond me. But this is what they pay me, Sam Sperglord, for. I am renowned for my Google-fu, after all. 
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May 23, 2014 04:43
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Quantum of Phallus posted:
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May 23, 2014 14:00
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lol, his name's Sperglord?
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May 23, 2014 14:01
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someone do one with more meme references
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May 23, 2014 14:51
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GreatGreen posted:The dame and I were hot on the perp's trail. Days ago, before everything spiraled out of control like I'd never seen before, I'd warned her things could get like this. Bad, real bad. Of course, it's hard to make much sense of things when you're staring at a pair of legs from here til Christmas and into eyes so big and blue you can see yourself in them and almost forget about this crazy mixed up world for a moment or two. They don't make em like that anymore. closest thing in here to the aspies I've encountered, 5'd for uncomfortable realism
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May 23, 2014 16:44
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canuckanese posted:someone do one with more meme references "im gay" she said, sauntering to the desk "do you have stairs in your house?" i smirked back at her autistically
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May 23, 2014 21:36
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I was in the local public library researching the latest case, but all of the elements caused my already fragile mind to recoil in horror. The fluids exchanged, the close -impossibly close- contact the two suspects endured, how could it have happened? I was close to something, the illustrations were slowly spelling it out. I knit my eyebrows together and began to breath heavily, spittle flying from my lips. The librarian approached my desk, asking if I needed help. ''HOW IS BABBY FORMED?,'' I bellowed. This case would be a tough nut to crack.
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May 23, 2014 22:11
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The staccato of her heels on the concrete as she strode away was intoxicating. Almost but not quite like the clickety-clack of the 4:43 Pacific Express on that glorious November 12, 2003. Her requests had made no sense. Going outside on a thursday? Interacting with humans, in the flesh no less? Do broads, even as divine as this particular specimen, not understand that there are rules? Invioable, unchangeable rules without which there would be nothing but anarchy and barbarism. As I mumbled over and over again how unacceptable this was, her impeccably ruby red lips tightened ever more. What this signified eludes me still, as she soon got up from the chair that no-one is supposed to sit on between sun-up and second lunch and stormed off. I'll never know love like this again.
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May 23, 2014 23:26
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Blurry Gray Thing posted:Its less impressive once you know how posting weird and pretty autistic detective stories on SA used to be my biggest gimmick. It's all been worth it
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May 23, 2014 23:53
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Ohhhhhh my god
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May 23, 2014 23:57
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This is the most old gbs thread I've ever seen and I'm not surprised at all that it will be goldmined within the next week. It reminds me of the one where people made up a backstory for the Get Out frog, his job, and family, and friends, and made lots of lovely comics and long boring stories about it too.
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May 23, 2014 23:57
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Geez you guys even have one of these Helical Nightmares posted:Oh, well played
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May 23, 2014 23:58
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Lumpy the Cook posted:Geez you guys even have one of these what happened to your av
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May 24, 2014 00:11
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He typed with righteous indignation, seeing his own words as a wholly original beacon of truth. "This is so gbs" he wrote, instantly taking the two dozen posters that frequent an unpopular internet forum down several notches. He had contributed nothing and still managed to change the world. He interlaced his fingers and pushed his hands out in front of himself, cracking his knuckles with satisfaction as a smug look temporarily washed the misery off his face.
Pontificating Ass fucked around with this message at 00:19 on May 24, 2014 |
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May 24, 2014 00:16
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Lumpy the Cook posted:This is the most old gbs thread I've ever seen and I'm not surprised at all that it will be goldmined within the next week. It reminds me of the one where people made up a backstory for the Get Out frog, his job, and family, and friends, and made lots of lovely comics and long boring stories about it too. Lumpy the Cook posted:Geez you guys even have one of these post less
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May 24, 2014 06:54
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Lumpy the Cook posted:
Did you actually write that poo poo out?
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May 24, 2014 07:36
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redshirt posted:Tips fedora down over sunglasses, unsuspicously reading an anime. READING? AN ANIME?
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May 24, 2014 20:45
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The dame did not recognize my pass at her, I was sure that glaring at her would win over her heart. That is it, I'm jumping in my BMW and dishing out retribution to all the dames that would not kiss me.
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May 24, 2014 21:24
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Sam plodded through the crowd. It was difficult for him to be so close to so many people, but the case demanded he be vigilant. Sweat poured from beneath the brim of his fedora and pooled under the arms of his trenchcoat and he supposed the smell might be worsening, but he kept on. He needed to follow up on the lead, no matter how scant his intel. ''EXCUSE ME PLEASE, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS WAIFU?'' ''EXCUSE ME PLEASE, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS WAIFU?'' The looks some of these nonbinaries gave him might have put a lesser man off, but Sam would find his mark. It was all just a matter of time. ''EXCUSE ME PLEASE, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS WAIFU?''
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May 24, 2014 21:28
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It was sunny outside, so I had the curtains drawn to prevent any unwanted sunburn. I was busy debating online about the physics behind Sonic the Hedgehog's shoes and how they would work in real life. I had just finished my third paragraph when I heard three knocks on the door. Quickly, but not too quickly, I adjusted my fedora so that it would be properly aligned with my glasses. I waited for a second set of knocks before I finally answered the door. A dame walks in, she looks like Amy Rose except human and not pink. To clarify, I mean Amy Rose from Sonic CD, not from the later games. She spoke to me for some time, but I cannot remember any of it, as I was too busy thinking about how cool it would be if Tony Stark was a Game of Thrones character. That would be sooooo cool. Anyway, I told the dame that I was too busy for the case, she was distraught, but I didn't care. I was too busy playing Minecraft that day, and didn't want to go outside.
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May 24, 2014 23:20
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There are times when you're on a case and you know you're sunk - it's all over. Time to board that one-way train to palookaville and wave sayonara to the client, the bonus, maybe even L.A. if the heat's really on and you need to pull a Harry Houdini. This was one of those times. DiMarzio had been ahead of me at every turn: at the Jamba Juice where you can order online and don't have to talk to anyone, at the katana store, hell even at the Meetup group for Sonic-inspired filking. He had gotten to all my contacts, every one. It was all there on the screen - might as well have been my obituary. The message was cold and to the point, or maybe it wasn't, I can never really tell. At any rate ArbCom had supported his reversion of my edits to the Kill la Kill Characters subsection. Kiss your barnstars goodbye, I thought, kiss them once on each point and then once in the center, starting from the top point and going clockwise, then do it all again counterclockwise.
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May 25, 2014 03:02
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| # ? Apr 25, 2024 01:36 |
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They would close the gates very soon. At dusk, thick shrubbery within the railings would provide a good observation cover for at least one of the parties pending the arrival of the other in the alleyway. A simple matter then to slip through the gate, cross the wide road with its streams of traffic, and join the other party to the assignation. Whatever the purpose of that meeting, Mr. Sperglord repeated his conviction that it had not been premeditated murder. He crossed the road and entered the park. It was a lesser-used entrance that led to a narrow avenue, whence secluded paths branched at intervals on either side. At hazard Mr. Sperglord too the first of these and presently found himself alongside the railings flanking the road opposite the alleyway where, he observed, the three morbid females met their fates. A few yards on the path wound away again from the railings between high shrubs of rhododendron and dense laurel, and set back under the foliage was an ornamental iron seat. Mr. Sperglord reflected that to the romantic-minded such as setting would inevitably known as the Lovers' Walk. It was at that moment he noticed a crumpled little suede glove under the seat. *** Seated at his desk, the room's only occupant looked out at the weedy drive that was tunneled through dark, moisture-laden yews under the weak December sunlight. It was a vista to which he had grown so habituated over the years that not even the day's irritations could prevail against its dismal peace. He picked up a sheaf of accounts from among the litter before him and began to study them. But a moment later the papers slipped from his hand, and his frustrated eyes glazed once more through the window. He knew himself to be unpopular. It was not his fault that he lacked what they pleased to call the human touch, by which they meant the ability to cheapen himself to their petty socialites. He knew there was little real fandom in the minds of those who called themselves anime fans in ADTRW. Sam Sperglord's thin hands thrust aside the accounts -- cases that would never be solved -- and he reached for the worn old keyboard -- that was never far away. He opened a thread at random. It was only four pages long and he read it completely and without scanning or skipping. When he reached the end he closed the tab without making a post of his own. After that he relived the functions of his body as necessary and went to bed.
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May 26, 2014 16:56
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