Sam Sperglord, Autistic Private Detective

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jamcadbury: Nov 12, 2004; South Side Mexican

Applewhite posted:

# ? Sep 5, 2014 09:25

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 25, 2024 16:19

Troll Bridgington: Dec 22, 2011; Keeping up foreign relations.

Applewhite posted:

5'd

# ? Sep 5, 2014 10:53

Applewhite: Aug 16, 2014; by vyelkin; Nap Ghost

The dame was all in a bluster about something or other.
"Slow down, sweetcheeks" I told her.
She prickled at being called "sweetcheeks" and started to get hostile.
I don't know why girls can't recognize a compliment.

# ? Sep 5, 2014 12:22

Prism Mirror Lens: Oct 9, 2012; ~*"The most intelligent and meaning-rich film he could think of was Shaun of the Dead, I don't think either brain is going to absorb anything you post."*~

Pulp Can Move posted:

"What were you doing at the time of the disappearance?" I asked the woman curtly.

"We were watching a movie," she said, dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief.

"Which film?"

"Which film? It was, um, The Fly."

"Which one?" I asked, leaning into the dust-specked curtain of light below my lamp.

"Excuse me?"

"The original or the remake?"

She was quiet for a moment. "The remake, I guess. The freaky one from the 70s or 80s. I don't know. Anyway, the doorbell rang. It was the middle of the night. Todd went to see who it was, and he never came back to the sofa. So I put on my robe and went to look for him. The front door was open, but there was no one around. Just some tail lights out on the street, leaving."

I tapped my finger thoughtfully against my chin.

"The thing is," she continued, "when I went upstairs, some of his clothes were gone. His suitcase, too. And his wallet. The police think that he might have left with someone, that it might have been planned all along. They say there's nothing they can do. I don't know where else to turn."

She looked at me pleadingly.

"The Fly was released in 1986," I said.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PF6NYGl_qgY&t=3220s

# ? Sep 5, 2014 12:52

happyhippy: Feb 21, 2005; Playing games, watching movies, owning goons. 'sup; Pillbug

Applewhite posted:

My future waifu walked in, so I blew some ecig smoke at her face to show that I was dominant and ready to love.

# ? Sep 5, 2014 12:58

Philosopher King: Oct 25, 2006

Blurry Gray Thing posted:

"Sam," he said. "Leave it well enough alone."

I stared at Dan's pen. I couldn't look him in the eye just then, and not just for the usual reasons.

It was a good pen. Fountain, gold on black dragon design. Me and the old gang got it for him back when he left the guild. Before it all got to be too much. Before it all fell apart and we all went our separate, tragic ways.

"I like your pen," I said. He winced. Definitely got him with that one. I'm not so great at reading emotion, but I'm sure he felt shame. Score one for Sam.

"Sam, I know we were friends. Are. Are friends. That's why I'm telling you to leave it. For your own good."

I kept staring at his pen. The curve of the dragon's spine. The delicate scales. I'm a big fan of dragons. I wondered if Dan really appreciated that pen as much as I would've.

"For gently caress's sake, Sam!" He raised his voice. It made me edgy. Bad memories dating way, way back. "There's just you and me now. We're all that's left. They got Tommy two years ago! He's gone. Won't answer his email. Hasn't been online. I finally called up his mother. Know what she told me? He won't touch the computer anymore. Too many bad memories. Wouldn't even tell him I called because it'd send him in a fit. Is that how you want to end up!?"

I didn't like him yelling at me. I knew I was winning - he'd lost his temper, but it was still real hard to take. The pen was something to focus on while it all washed over me.

"Fine." He jerked the pen away. That startled me, but he didn't notice. He was too busy with his ink-well ritual. "If that's how you want to play it, Sam, fine. There's a comic shop on the corner of Brice and Main. Not one of the big names. Little mom and son place, though she doesn't come downstairs too much. Here's the address."

He slid a paper over. I nearly took it when I saw his hand twitch. Don't worry, Danny. I remember. I leaned forward and blew on the ink. No splatters. No mess.

"It really is a nice pen, Dan," I said.

"I know, Sam." He sunk back into his chair. Tears stained his cheeks. "I know."

Paper in hand, I turned and walked out, leaving poor old Danny alone with his demons. I'd never see him alive again.

From a few pages back but I got chills. Keep going.

# ? Sep 5, 2014 13:15

BombiTheZombie: Mar 27, 2010

I knew the guy was trouble. It wasn't the scars or the face that looked like he had headbutted a belt sander. It was the tire iron in his hand that he wielded like Sephiroth wields his muramasa blade. Rollingstone, #9 with a slight crack and a dirty looking handle. I looked into his eyes but i couldn't distinguish the emotion he was trying to exhibit.

I felt a bead of anxiety sweat roll down my third chin on the left side of my face. I would need all of my meowing skills to walk out of this with my honor intact.

BombiTheZombie fucked around with this message at 13:39 on Sep 5, 2014

# ? Sep 5, 2014 13:36

Applewhite: Aug 16, 2014; by vyelkin; Nap Ghost

The man stared at me with cold eyes that were the color of Rearden Metal.
On the table between us, the small apparatus he'd brough with him puffed away quietly. I admired the delicate moving parts and wondered where I could get one of my own.
"You're walking in the desert," the man said. Apparently initiating some kind of roleplay.
"Which desert?" I asked.
"It doesn't matter."
"It does matter, because which desert informs how I might have gotten there, and what supplies I'd be carrying, not to mention important landmarks, native species, average rainfall-"
"The Sahara," he cut me off. "You're walking in the Sahara desert."
"Okay," I answered. In my mindspace, I began to queue up my perfect recall of the Sahara's wikipedia article, noting that the Sahara recieved around 3000 hours of daylight at this time of year.
The man continued with the campaign.
"You see a tortoise," he said. "You reach out and-"
"What kind of tortoise?" I interrupted.
"I don't know, any kind," his tone might have indicated irritation. I didn't care, it's not my job to educate people in the art of DMing, he should be grateful I'm taking the time.
"Probably an African Spurred Tortoise then," I answered. "Which would indicate I'm on the southern edge of the Sahara. I do a perception check for oases."
"You reach out and flip the tortoise on its back," the man said, firmly.
"Am I wearing gloves? Tortoises are carriers of salmonella..."
He let out an exhasperated sigh. Outside the window, the lights of the Tyrell Corporation pyramid began to flicker on as the heavy, orange sun began to dip below the horizon.

Applewhite fucked around with this message at 14:31 on Sep 5, 2014

# ? Sep 5, 2014 13:53

Applewhite: Aug 16, 2014; by vyelkin; Nap Ghost

# ? Sep 6, 2014 01:48

swampland: Oct 16, 2007; Dear Mr Cave, if you do not release the bats we will be forced to take legal action

Applewhite posted:

# ? Sep 6, 2014 01:51

Minarchist: Mar 5, 2009; by WE B Bourgeois

I'd play it

also :cripes:

the fuckin fleshlight just left out and uncapped on his desk

# ? Sep 6, 2014 03:29

happyhippy: Feb 21, 2005; Playing games, watching movies, owning goons. 'sup; Pillbug

Save Game.

Save Game.

Save Game.

# ? Sep 6, 2014 03:57

Applewhite: Aug 16, 2014; by vyelkin; Nap Ghost

# ? Sep 6, 2014 04:20

The Baumer: Oct 22, 2008

Applewhite posted:

# ? Sep 6, 2014 04:24

Ghaz: Nov 19, 2004

Applewhite posted:

# ? Sep 6, 2014 04:36

DJ Fuckboy Supreme: Feb 10, 2011; And when you stare long into the abyss, you become aggressively, terminally chill

The dame opened her son's bedroom door, and a rich, familiar odor of musk laced with dried moutain dew filled my nostrils. If I could have smiled to show my joy at such a kindred spirit I would have but such things as expression are base, and beneath me.

Lolicon memorabilia was plastered onto every surface and I admired the son's taste in body pillows and wall scrolls. So many depictions of warm, tender childhood romances, the closest approximation to emotion as I was able to process.

The dame kept asking questions but I quickly decided she had nothing of value to tell me. I knew everything I needed to know. The buzzing of her voice in my ears began to irritate me.

''THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR SON LADY IT'S CALLED EPHEBOPHILIA''

I left the house and stepped out into the street, my leather trenchcoat flapping in the cold autumn air.

females, I thought as I pulled my hat down low

# ? Sep 6, 2014 05:04

a star war betamax: Sep 17, 2011; by Lowtax; Gary’s Answer

ilikedirt posted:

the autopsy was gruesome but provided some usefuk insights. toxicology sceens came back positive for snake venom. that explained the unusual bite marks on the vics tongue. bingo.

i called up georgia. this was a big break. "listen, peach. your husband didnt choke on that sandwich. it was murder alright. he was assassinated."

"but how?"

"inside of that beef patty of his was a snake. it bit him on the tongue and slithered away. a brilliant crime, really. you see, peach... your husband died of asp burgers"

# ? Sep 6, 2014 05:16

SunAndSpring: Dec 4, 2013

I entered my office, wet from the rain. Luckily, my fedora had spared my glasses from the brunt of the downpour. I set my hat onto its proper rack just below the trilby and above the Newsboy cap. The room, unlit, bursts into a wan light as I flick the electrical switch upwards. As I sat down in my revolving chair to ride the currents of the web, I realized something was wrong.

The ensemble of My Little Pony figurines that I had lying on my window sill were out of order. Pinkie Pie was next to Princess Celestia, when it is so obvious she should be near her best friend Applejack. I nearly shriek at the indignity of this. I push one of my 20-piece chicken nuggets from McDonalds into my mouth to calm myself down before I fly off the handle. Some mook had snuck into my office, but why? I pull on my extra-large latex gloves and get out my dusting kit. I take the brush and gently apply the fine grey dust to the pink pony, as gently as I did when I had to use a tooth brush to clean off the hot glue I had spurted over her before.

I lift the prints and run them through my Linux-based computer scanner. After an hour and 19 chicken nuggets later, I am hit with a figurative bolt of lightning. There, flashing on the 4K LCD monitor, is my landlord, Michael Neurotypicalisnky and his criminal record for petty burglary in 1995. I get up from my swivel chair in shock, the empty nugget carton dropping off my belly to the floor. As I look around, I see a crushed note in the bottom of my chair. It reads,

"SAM YOU SON OF A BITCH, THIS IS THE LAST TIME I'M GOING TO loving TELL YOU. IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA TAKE THE TIME TO CLEAN YOUR ROOM, YOU CAN AT LEAST USE YOUR A.C. UNIT I PROVIDED YOU OR I'LL KICK YOUR rear end TO THE CURB. IT SMELLS LIKE JIZZ AND VEGETABLE OIL IN YOUR loving ROOM ALL THE TIME, AND I DO NOT WANT THAT FOUL poo poo LEAKING OUT AND BOTHERING THE OTHER RESIDENTS.

-YOUR LANDLORD, MIKE"

I shiver in rage. How dare he! He does not know how vital it is I keep things exactly the way they are at all times! If the temperature in this room were to drop below 73 degrees, I would feel massively uncomfortable. How could I solve e-crimes if I felt terrible because the temperature was too low?

SunAndSpring fucked around with this message at 05:30 on Sep 6, 2014

# ? Sep 6, 2014 05:28

Lets Pickle: Jul 9, 2007

I just read The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime and it is basically this thread. I recommend it.

# ? Sep 6, 2014 05:49

Justin Godscock: Oct 12, 2004; Listen here, funnyman!

Applewhite posted:

# ? Sep 6, 2014 05:53

Dave Concepcion: Mar 19, 2012

Applewhite posted:

# ? Sep 6, 2014 10:17

Quantum of Phallus: Dec 27, 2010

Applewhite posted:

# ? Sep 6, 2014 10:28

Dave Concepcion: Mar 19, 2012

# ? Sep 6, 2014 10:36

Frostwerks: Sep 24, 2007; by Lowtax

Dave Concepcion posted:

lmfao

# ? Sep 6, 2014 10:50

Professor Shark: May 22, 2012

The bullet panging over my head pulled me back from admiring the rigid organization of the shipping container stacks. I glanced over my cover, a couple of wooden boxes that wouldn't help as much as a pillow with the irons the two grey shapes in the fog were pointing in my direction.

That was twelve. Unless they were using 8-shot revolvers, that meant they were out and I could make my move... but the part of me that dealt with strict organization and certainties wouldn't let me budge.

"ARE YOU USING 6-SHOT OR 8-SHOT REVOLVERS?" I called out over my cheap wooden shield.

All I heard back was quick, harsh whispers in the fog.

"PLEASE SPEAK UP AND ANSWER MY QUESTION, IT'S VERY, VERY RUDE TO NOT RESPOND TO PEOPLE WHEN THEY'VE ASKED YOU A QUESTION!" I yelled in frustration.

Silence was my response.

I sighed heavily. With no other options, I unsheathed my sword from its scabbard beneath my well-worn trench coat.

Roughly 35' between the grey shapes and I. If I took out Left with a cross-arm stroke leveled at his flank, Right might retreat.

I thought of my ancestors, and with considerable effort I rose to my feet. I barreled over the wooden boxes and began my charge, the sword held upright and close to my head, not unlike the samurai of legend.

They had 8-shot revolvers.

# ? Sep 6, 2014 11:34

Dave Concepcion: Mar 19, 2012

# ? Sep 6, 2014 13:03

Alan Smithee: Jan 4, 2005; A man becomes preeminent, he's expected to have enthusiasms.

Enthusiasms, enthusiasms...

a dame walked into my basement office. I tipped my fedora and said "m'lady"

# ? Sep 6, 2014 13:44

fuck off Batman: Oct 14, 2013; Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah!

Dave Concepcion posted:

Applewhite posted:

This thread is now on a whole new level, please don't goldmine it just yet.

# ? Sep 6, 2014 14:11

Professor Shark: May 22, 2012

Alan Smithee posted:

a dame walked into my basement office. I tipped my fedora and said "m'lady"

55555555555555555555555555555555

# ? Sep 6, 2014 14:24

godzilla hentai: Sep 6, 2010

Alan Smithee posted:

a dame walked into my basement office. I tipped my fedora and said "m'lady"

She wanted me to figure out who sent her those death threats on twitter. I nodded respectfully towards her and mounted my white steed.

You see, Social Justice sleuthing was my specialty, and the "Gamers" will not win.

# ? Sep 6, 2014 15:57

EXTREME INSERTION: Jun 4, 2011; by LadyAmbien

Liquid Dinosaur posted:

This specificity with exact quantities and temperatures isn't good writing. Autists like routines, but you guys seem to be confusing autism with OCD.

I dunno I guess I'm for noticing and pointing it out.

I unsheathe my micropenis

# ? Sep 6, 2014 16:03

ziasquinn: Jan 1, 2006; Fallen Rib

Sticky please

# ? Sep 6, 2014 16:08

EXTREME INSERTION: Jun 4, 2011; by LadyAmbien

While My INTJ personality gives me the edge in crime solving my deep analytical skills make it hard to relate to other people, they are merely pawns on the chessboard, NPCs walking around this god drat sick city oblivious to it's white, striated underbelly

# ? Sep 6, 2014 16:09

newreply.php: Dec 24, 2009; Pillbug

Dave Concepcion posted:

Your Dead Gay Son posted:

Sticky please

# ? Sep 6, 2014 16:27

...of SCIENCE!: Apr 26, 2008; by Fluffdaddy

Pulp Can Move posted:

"What were you doing at the time of the disappearance?" I asked the woman curtly.

"We were watching a movie," she said, dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief.

"Which film?"

"Which film? It was, um, The Fly."

"Which one?" I asked, leaning into the dust-specked curtain of light below my lamp.

"Excuse me?"

"The original or the remake?"

She was quiet for a moment. "The remake, I guess. The freaky one from the 70s or 80s. I don't know. Anyway, the doorbell rang. It was the middle of the night. Todd went to see who it was, and he never came back to the sofa. So I put on my robe and went to look for him. The front door was open, but there was no one around. Just some tail lights out on the street, leaving."

I tapped my finger thoughtfully against my chin.

"The thing is," she continued, "when I went upstairs, some of his clothes were gone. His suitcase, too. And his wallet. The police think that he might have left with someone, that it might have been planned all along. They say there's nothing they can do. I don't know where else to turn."

She looked at me pleadingly.

"The Fly was released in 1986," I said.

Prism Mirror Lens posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PF6NYGl_qgY&t=3220s

ahahahaa

# ? Sep 6, 2014 17:36

Dave Concepcion: Mar 19, 2012

# ? Sep 6, 2014 19:00

Applewhite: Aug 16, 2014; by vyelkin; Nap Ghost

# ? Sep 6, 2014 19:08

Dave Concepcion: Mar 19, 2012

Applewhite posted:

ahahaha oh my

# ? Sep 6, 2014 19:09

Applewhite: Aug 16, 2014; by vyelkin; Nap Ghost

If anyone knows how to do title lettering you're welcome to make it look neater. I don't know how to get vectors to behave properly so those are painstakingly hand-drawn.

Here's the chars by themselves on a transparency:

http://imgur.com/NNmZxjf

Applewhite fucked around with this message at 19:19 on Sep 6, 2014

# ? Sep 6, 2014 19:14

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 25, 2024 16:19

Dave Concepcion: Mar 19, 2012

loving amazing work

really like the sandals with white socks

# ? Sep 6, 2014 19:20

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Sam Sperglord, Autistic Private Detective

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