The shittiest thing on SomethingAwful is, without any doubt,

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James Hardon: May 31, 2006

effectual posted:

Or maybe you just have a bad sense of humour?

effectual posted:

CR got me to watch Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter and that movie rules.

# ? May 29, 2014 00:15

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# ? Apr 28, 2024 13:21

Wootiebabeh: Dec 21, 2009

Why Are Threads About Making Fun Of Awkward And Ugly People Allowed

# ? May 29, 2014 00:17

Arkane: Dec 19, 2006; by R. Guyovich

The film being "reviewed" is Spider-Man 2, released 10 years ago and targeted at children:

quote:

This is a film that's anti-science, anti-journalism, anti-police, anti-James Franco, and, strangely, simultaneously anti-capitalism (witness how the film treats its only entrepeneur) and anti-socialism (now witness how quickly and comically Doc Oc pushes aside all those train passengers who stand in solidarity with Spider-Man). This gulf between (for lack of a better term) aesthetic ideology and narrative ideology repeats itself in the racial makeup of Spider-Man 2's New York City, which is presented as incredibly diverse even if Spider-Man exists in an unpierced bubble of whiteness and characters of other ethnicities exist only to sing the Spider-Man theme song, shout the occasional "go get 'em, Spidey!" or bitch about his pizza-delivery speed. Really, this is a film that fully supports nothing but its own grave platitude: With great power comes great responsibility. Yeah, big fuckin' news there. I keep hoping Peter will respond, "Golly gee shucks, I never thought about it that way!" No dice. Instead, he and Uncle Ben simply stare at each other with the intensity of freshman philosophy majors who just bonged their way into an essential, heretofore unrevealed truth.

Another contrast: As backwards as Superman's gender politics were, at least Lois Lane was a woman with a job that required her to think. As a billboard model, Mary Jane Watson is a professional object, which is appropriate. Even when Mary Jane's off the clock, she's a thing onto which Peter Parker - and the whole legion of men for whom he Mary Sues - can project both fantasies and insecurities. This is a character who, upon her introduction in 1966, turned around, faced the reader and said, "Face it, tiger, you just hit the jackpot." She's a redhead, and you love redheads. She's a glamorous model, yes, but she's also a girl-next-door type with an androgynous nickname. She just flew in from Paris and, boy, she can't wait for a beer, a hot dog and a good silent missionary gently caress - or an upside-down kiss, since this is a PG-13 universe in which sex does not exist. Hell, she doesn't even care if, during your kissy time, you have to shield your true identity in what's, essentially, a full-body prophylactic because sex is scary and gross. What's this? She chose a charming, genuinely kind and attentive astronaut over you, the photographer with a dream, a boner, a pathological failure to support her sole artistic endeavor and the goddamned right to the girl of your dreams? Not so fast, buddy. Not only did she hinge her decision to leave him at the altar on whether or not she could recreate your lone sexual (but not too sexual because that would be intimidating) experience by using him as a you-by-proxy, she is standing in your doorway wearing her wedding dress (you know, the most prominent relic of her aborted ceremonial subjugation to your sexual rival) to tell you she was always "standing in your doorway" (nevermind the fact that you've completely neglected her for two movies now and you're gonna smack her in the sequel) in a brief speech punctuated by one vaguely feminist (but not too feminist because that would be intimidating) sentiment and a scorcher of a kiss.

And you - you're a MAN who solves the world's problems by flinging yards of jizz from your wrist, but only when you're cosplaying.

what in the gently caress?

Lumpy the Cook posted:

A decade ago Current Releases would have been the Awful Link of the Day easily

# ? May 29, 2014 00:28

My Nigga Totoro: Nov 14, 2007; by Lowtax

s1ckly dW33b posted:

Why Are Threads About Making Fun Of Awkward And Ugly People Allowed

mod sass rule should abolish this

# ? May 29, 2014 00:29

glowing-fish: Feb 18, 2013; Keep grinding,
I hope you level up!

James Hardon posted:

Let's not stray from the issue here, which is that the guy who wrote the Planes review and also his fellow writers who presumably agreed with his argument were paid to write for this site which originally gained notoriety with articles making fun of pictures of ugly people.

And it isn't 2002 anymore. The internet has moved on. Writers who write articles that deal with relevant issues are more interesting than "fratire" articles where bros give each other high-fives for dissing fags and ugly chicks.

Maybe an example of a review of "Planes" dealing with female planes comes across as silly, but that is one example. In general, I've found the reviews to be amusing and insightful.

# ? May 29, 2014 00:42

Effectronica: May 31, 2011; Fallen Rib

glowing-fish posted:

And it isn't 2002 anymore. The internet has moved on. Writers who write articles that deal with relevant issues are more interesting than "fratire" articles where bros give each other high-fives for dissing fags and ugly chicks.

Maybe an example of a review of "Planes" dealing with female planes comes across as silly, but that is one example. In general, I've found the reviews to be amusing and insightful.

i generally find them to be in a horrible in-between state where they don't go into any interesting analysis of pop-culture films as pop-culture products, nor do they bother to make jokes about films beyond the biggest, easiest targets, some of which they manage to whiff on.

# ? May 29, 2014 00:44

Effectronica: May 31, 2011; Fallen Rib

Here's the entire text for X-Men, Days of Future Past, which I happen to have seen recently.

quote:

X-Men: Days of Future Past
by Joseph "Jay Dub" Wade
EXPECTATIONS: Okay, so is this a sequel to X-Men: First Class or is it another, different prequel to the original X-Men trilogy? Or is it a completely new Wolverine spinoff that just happens to star a bunch of other X-Men characters for no real reason? Wait, it's all of those things? How the hell does that work? While we're at it, let's just make Days of Future Past a sequel to all the other Marvel movies not owned by Disney. I always wanted Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, Punisher: War Zone and X-Men Origins: Wolverine to be part of the same canon of oddly subtitled comic book movies.

Of course, if this movie were actually made in the seventies, it would be a much more straightforward crime thriller

REALITY: For the past decade or so, the X-Men series has been single-handedly propped up on Hugh Jackman's increasingly sturdy shoulders. The franchise gets a little shakier when it comes to things like narrative consistency or having anything for half its characters to do, but Jackman has always been there to anchor the series. That's part of what makes the latest installment, Days of Future Past, such a pleasant surprise. Juggling two separate casts between two timelines and about six million individual plot points, the fact that Bryan Singer's return to the X-series makes any sense at all is something of a minor miracle.

The story opens on a future hellscape in which mutants are hunted down by robotic Sentinels that all look like that giant metal thing from the end of Thor. Professor Xavier (Patrick Stewart) and Magneto (Ian McKellan) hole up in a remote Chinese temple with the few remaining X-Men (read: most of the X3 cast plus a few new weirdos) to carry out a final desperate mission: Kitty Pryde (Ellen Page) somehow uses her power of walking through walls to send Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) back in time to 1973. There, he must reunite young Xavier (James McAvoy) and young Magneto (Michael Fassbender) to stop Mystique (Jennifer Lawrence) from assassinating Sentinel inventor Bolivar Trask (Peter Dinklage), whose death brings about the future Sentinel holocaust.

Blue Jennifer Lawrence gets to do more here than in the entirety of Catching Fire.
The film cuts back and forth between these two periods, as the X-Men fight to protect Wolverine's unconscious body while his brain has a thrilling adventure in Nixonland. Along the way, we learn what's become of the First Class characters in the years since the Cuban Missile Crisis. Specifically, Xavier lost all his students to the Vietnam draft and has locked himself in his mansion to wallow in self-loathing and drug abuse. Meanwhile, Magneto is busy chilling in a plastic prison cell for assassinating President Kennedy. Suffice it to say, the First Class timeline isn't exactly a walk in the park, either.

But what begins as a Marvel-style remake of Terminator 2 quickly gives way to a considerably somber tale of actions and their consequences (okay, so it's still T2). When Wolverine and friends converge on the Paris Peace Accords to thwart Mystique's assassination attempt, things quickly go from bad to worse as Magneto's rash judgement winds up putting the 'mutant threat' all over the six o'clock news. Our heroes' salvation comes not from thrown punches or slain enemies, but from knowing when to admit that a problem exists. Coincidentally, the first step on this journey comes when Xavier agrees to stop shooting mutant cure serum like it's heroin.

This comes as a breath of fresh air in a franchise which, up to this point, has been content to let Wolverine cut gaping holes through any problem it can throw at him. That's mostly due to Days of Future Past being much more of a First Class sequel than anything else. For once, Wolverine exists as the dump truck of exposition while all the smart characters struggle to solve the problem. The dynamic between Xavier and Magneto finds the two competing to achieve the same result through different means. While McAvoy's Xavier attempts to negotiate peace, Fassbender's Magneto prefers sabotage and active threats to prevent mutant persecution.

We all think you should keep the mustache, Pete.
To that end, Days of Future Past is littered with crazy narrative gymnastics that a lesser script might have completely bungled. For instance, at one point young Xavier must convince himself that his own future is worth saving. Instead of just letting Wolverine do all the talking (since he presumably knows all this stuff), Xavier looks into Wolverine's memories and sees a vision of his future self. Then, young and old Xavier have a conversation inside Wolverine's head about their collective need for hope. Later, old Xavier informs old Magneto that their plan is working because his younger self just paid him a visit, though he neglects to mention that all of this just happened fifty years ago in the mind of the unconscious man lying right next to them. This whole thing sounds needlessly complicated, but the entire exchange lasts maybe a minute, without a trace of ironic silliness.

And yet, there's still plenty of room in this film for silliness. The single best action sequence finds a young mutant named Quicksilver (Evan Peters) racing around a group of armed guards as they attempt to kill Xavier and Magneto. He moves so fast that he casually changes the trajectory of bullets and gives guards wedgies before anyone has a chance to blink. All the while, he's listening to Jim Croce's "Time in a Bottle," a song I assume was all the rage with kids in 1973. At any rate, it's a huge improvement over Nightcrawler's opening scene in X2, which has not aged particularly well.

Quicksilver leaves the film far too soon, as the big finale could have used a little bit more fun. Things grow dire as the film cuts between young Magneto's attack on the White House and old Magneto's defense of the temple. The final act has an interesting symmetry to it, though; between two massacres, we see how potential violence in the present all but guarantees more violence in the future. From a franchise whose flagship character is a walking knife that loves to stab, that's practically a rallying cry for world peace.

I count two semi-jokes, and one weak joke.

# ? May 29, 2014 00:47

a Loving Dog: May 12, 2001; more like a Barking Dog, woof!

glowing-fish posted:

And it isn't 2002 anymore. The internet has moved on. Writers who write articles that deal with relevant issues are more interesting than "fratire" articles where bros give each other high-fives for dissing fags and ugly chicks.

Maybe an example of a review of "Planes" dealing with female planes comes across as silly, but that is one example. In general, I've found the reviews to be amusing and insightful.

*makes an extremely long, loud, and realistic fart noise with mouth*

# ? May 29, 2014 01:01

Trabandiumium: Feb 20, 2010

glowing-fish posted:

And it isn't 2002 anymore. The internet has moved on. Writers who write articles that deal with relevant issues are more interesting than "fratire" articles where bros give each other high-fives for dissing fags and ugly chicks.

Maybe an example of a review of "Planes" dealing with female planes comes across as silly, but that is one example. In general, I've found the reviews to be amusing and insightful.

jesus wept

# ? May 29, 2014 01:04

Wootiebabeh: Dec 21, 2009

glowing-fish posted:

And it isn't 2002 anymore. The internet has moved on. Writers who write articles that deal with relevant issues are more interesting than "fratire" articles where bros give each other high-fives for dissing fags and ugly chicks.

Maybe an example of a review of "Planes" dealing with female planes comes across as silly, but that is one example. In general, I've found the reviews to be amusing and insightful.

You just unironically used the word "fratire" and for your crimes you are now banned from this website permanently.

# ? May 29, 2014 01:05

halleys comet: Feb 29, 2012

glowing-fish posted:

And it isn't 2002 anymore. The internet has moved on. Writers who write articles that deal with relevant issues are more interesting than "fratire" articles where bros give each other high-fives for dissing fags and ugly chicks.

Maybe an example of a review of "Planes" dealing with female planes comes across as silly, but that is one example. In general, I've found the reviews to be amusing and insightful.

I'm a douchebag bro who hates critical theory and loves Dubstep.

# ? May 29, 2014 01:38

Nucular Carmul: Jan 26, 2005; Melongenidae incantatrix

Well I guess I take it all back, if this feature is really so terrible that it generates over a hundred posts in two days on a forum that barely gets that many a month then by all means burn it down. I hope the CR crew feels bad for creating free content voluntarily, bunch of bedwetting assholes that they are, caring about things has never been cool or good.

# ? May 29, 2014 02:58

Spanish Manlove: Aug 31, 2008; HAILGAYSATAN

Nucular Carmul posted:

Well I guess I take it all back, if this feature is really so terrible that it generates over a hundred posts in two days on a forum that barely gets that many a month then by all means burn it down. I hope the CR crew feels bad for creating free content voluntarily, bunch of bedwetting assholes that they are, caring about things has never been cool or good.

You do realize that this was originally posted in GBS, then moved to QCS, then moved here to rot, right?

# ? May 29, 2014 03:08

My Nigga Totoro: Nov 14, 2007; by Lowtax

Nucular Carmul posted:

Well I guess I take it all back, if this feature is really so terrible that it generates over a hundred posts in two days on a forum that barely gets that many a month then by all means burn it down. I hope the CR crew feels bad for creating free content voluntarily, bunch of bedwetting assholes that they are, caring about things has never been cool or good.

# ? May 29, 2014 03:09

time is a wastin: Sep 11, 2011

Lumpy the Cook posted:

Women are forgotten about in this movie; wives and children are there to be protected. The relationships men need to focus on are the broken ones with their reincarnated dinosaur dads.

# ? May 29, 2014 03:11

Punished Chuck: Dec 27, 2010

Nucular Carmul posted:

Well I guess I take it all back, if this feature is really so terrible that it generates over a hundred posts in two days on a forum that barely gets that many a month then by all means burn it down. I hope the CR crew feels bad for creating free content voluntarily, bunch of bedwetting assholes that they are, caring about things has never been cool or good.

This, but 100% unironically.

# ? May 29, 2014 03:13

Nucular Carmul: Jan 26, 2005; Melongenidae incantatrix

their lil poopers posted:

You do realize that this was originally posted in GBS, then moved to QCS, then moved here to rot, right?

No, why would I know that?

# ? May 29, 2014 03:17

The MSJ: May 17, 2010

glowing-fish posted:

And it isn't 2002 anymore. The internet has moved on. Writers who write articles that deal with relevant issues are more interesting than "fratire" articles where bros give each other high-fives for dissing fags and ugly chicks.

Something Awful even made fun of "fratire" stuff.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ef8Q57t5zBE

# ? May 29, 2014 03:18

qnqnx: Nov 14, 2010

Nucular Carmul posted:

Well I guess I take it all back, if this feature is really so terrible that it generates over a hundred posts in two days on a forum that barely gets that many a month then by all means burn it down. I hope the CR crew feels bad for creating free content voluntarily, bunch of bedwetting assholes that they are, caring about things has never been cool or good.

glowing-fish posted:

And it isn't 2002 anymore. The internet has moved on. Writers who write articles that deal with relevant issues are more interesting than "fratire" articles where bros give each other high-fives for dissing fags and ugly chicks.

Maybe an example of a review of "Planes" dealing with female planes comes across as silly, but that is one example. In general, I've found the reviews to be amusing and insightful.

The Internet makes you ~~stupid~~ a whiny bitch.

# ? May 29, 2014 03:20

My Nigga Totoro: Nov 14, 2007; by Lowtax

Nucular Carmul posted:

No, why would I know that?

Well, you seem to know everything else.

# ? May 29, 2014 03:23

Nucular Carmul: Jan 26, 2005; Melongenidae incantatrix

I'm really sorry that I've been enjoying these reviews guys, I have no idea what I was thinking. I would ask you how to make it up to you, but I think the answer is in my avatar that one of you so astutely noticed I had. Sorry everyone, sorry.

# ? May 29, 2014 03:24

Just Burgs: Jan 15, 2011; Gravy Boat 2k

Nucular Carmul posted:

I'm really sorry that I've been enjoying these reviews guys, I have no idea what I was thinking. I would ask you how to make it up to you, but I think the answer is in my avatar that one of you so astutely noticed I had. Sorry everyone, sorry.

Man. If reading the front page makes you talk like that, I'm glad I don't!!

# ? May 29, 2014 03:29

Plutonis: Mar 25, 2011

Nucular Carmul posted:

I'm really sorry that I've been enjoying these reviews guys, I have no idea what I was thinking. I would ask you how to make it up to you, but I think the answer is in my avatar that one of you so astutely noticed I had. Sorry everyone, sorry.

keep up the passive-aggressive sarcasm, you weak little bitch

# ? May 29, 2014 03:30

My Nigga Totoro: Nov 14, 2007; by Lowtax

Nucular Carmul posted:

I'm really sorry that I've been enjoying these reviews guys, I have no idea what I was thinking. I would ask you how to make it up to you, but I think the answer is in my avatar that one of you so astutely noticed I had. Sorry everyone, sorry.

it's ok

# ? May 29, 2014 03:31

scary ghost dog: Aug 5, 2007

Consider it even stevens between us Nucular Carmel, but if you try to defend those retard rear end reviews again I'm gonna punk your ball zone.

# ? May 29, 2014 03:39

Fidel Cuckstro: Jul 2, 2007

Arkane posted:

The film being "reviewed" is Spider-Man 2, released 10 years ago and targeted at children:

Whoever wrote that should be embarrassed for themselves.

# ? May 29, 2014 04:02

Squeezy Farm: Jun 16, 2009

s1ckly dW33b posted:

Why Are Threads About Making Fun Of Awkward And Ugly People Allowed

Are you scare???

# ? May 29, 2014 04:06

Cool Blue Reason: Jan 7, 2010; by Lowtax

The MSJ posted:

Something Awful even made fun of "fratire" stuff.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ef8Q57t5zBE

Shmorky is in a good position to be making fun of people.

# ? May 29, 2014 05:00

closeted republican: Sep 9, 2005

CR feels like I'm reading C to B-level Media Criticism 101 papers from men that aren't nearly as smart as they think they are.

# ? May 29, 2014 05:02

Alaois: Feb 7, 2012

closeted republican posted:

CR feels like I'm reading C to B-level Media Criticism 101 papers from men that aren't nearly as smart as they think they are.

this is basically the most accurate analysis, it's not that the poo poo they're writing is "sjw" or any other nebulous horsecock term, it's that it's really really really bad readings of movies

# ? May 29, 2014 05:18

Rannos22: Mar 30, 2011; Everything's the same as it always is.

Sometimes a movie about a guy getting his spiderman powers is just a move about a guy getting his spiderman powers.

# ? May 29, 2014 05:59

Fuck Your Website: Nov 29, 2003; FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOUR WEBSITE

Effectronica posted:

Here's the entire text for X-Men, Days of Future Past, which I happen to have seen recently.

I count two semi-jokes, and one weak joke.

Wow, that is like some poo poo for like a high school paper, something to dig out and be horribly embarrassed by. I mean, edgy snarky movie reviews? Come on kid. Go home, dig deeper.

# ? May 29, 2014 06:39

COBRARocky: Jul 28, 2013

Professor Clumsy sits in the movie theater hyperventilating and sweating over the sexist depiction of pink plane in the children's movie

# ? May 29, 2014 08:48

banned from Starbucks: Jul 18, 2004

the depiction of the female troll in ernest scared stupid was so problematic im literally shaking

# ? May 29, 2014 10:29

Keanu Grieves: Dec 30, 2002

James Hardon posted:

Let's not stray from the issue here, which is that the guy who wrote the Planes review and also his fellow writers who presumably agreed with his argument were paid to write for this site which originally gained notoriety with articles making fun of pictures of ugly people.

We're not paid, and we frequently disagree.

# ? May 29, 2014 13:57

Senior Woodchuck: Aug 29, 2006; When you're lost out there and you're all alone, a light is waiting to carry you home

Jesus, I'm such a big comic book nerd I once used Jack Kirby metaphors to describe my boner, and even I've never been made this mad by any Current Releases reviews. Maybe you guys just care too much what random semi-anonymous guys think of your nerd movies?

# ? May 29, 2014 14:20

house of the dad: Jul 4, 2005

movies they scored higher than Drive

-The Hobbit
-Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol
-Prometheus
-Real Steel
-Rise of the Planet of the Apes
-The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
-Don Jon
-God is Not Dead

# ? May 29, 2014 14:27

a Loving Dog: May 12, 2001; more like a Barking Dog, woof!

Senior Woodchuck posted:

Jesus, I'm such a big comic book nerd I once used Jack Kirby metaphors to describe my boner, and even I've never been made this mad by any Current Releases reviews. Maybe you guys just care too much what random semi-anonymous guys think of your nerd movies?

You also sniff girls on the loving train you pathetic piece of poo poo

# ? May 29, 2014 14:33

got any sevens: Feb 9, 2013; by Cyrano4747

gigawhite posted:

movies they scored higher than Drive

-The Hobbit
-Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol
-Prometheus
-Real Steel
-Rise of the Planet of the Apes
-The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
-Don Jon
-God is Not Dead

Their score values are jokes :shh:

# ? May 29, 2014 14:43

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# ? Apr 28, 2024 13:21

house of the dad: Jul 4, 2005

effectual posted:

Their score values are jokes :shh:

No they aren't. I have graphed them with troubling results

# ? May 29, 2014 14:44

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