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MerchantOfChaos
Jun 6, 2010

And then I wake up and realize I have to deal with people...

So today I receive a rapping, a tapping at my door. I typically do not answer the door if I'm not expecting anyone as I fear home invasions and what not. When I finally do step outside, I nearly trip over a large paper bag that has been left on the porch. Inside, I find several bottles of Poweraide, a box of donuts, fruit cups, oatmeal, two bags of macaroni, and what appears to be some sort of half-baked Jesus fanfiction, complete with hand written commentary scribbled all over its pages. Its hilarious in its juvenile insanity so I decided I'll share some of its highlights.











A critic in the ranks?

I will post more tidbits from this gem as I come across them.

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Iseeyouseemeseeyou
Jan 3, 2011



Hogge Wild
Aug 21, 2012
Probation
Can't post for 4 days!


stop wiping with your nails and use paper

Pumpy Muffinz
Aug 11, 2008

Banned?

MerchantOfChaos posted:

So today I receive a rapping, a tapping at my door. I typically do not answer the door if I'm not expecting anyone as I fear home invasions and what not. When I finally do step outside, I nearly trip over a large paper bag that has been left on the porch. Inside, I find several bottles of Poweraide, a box of donuts, fruit cups, oatmeal, two bags of macaroni, and what appears to be some sort of half-baked Jesus fanfiction, complete with hand written commentary scribbled all over its pages. Its hilarious in its juvenile insanity so I decided I'll share some of its highlights.











A critic in the ranks?

I will post more tidbits from this gem as I come across them.

just talk the donuts and shut up.

Tim Raines IRL
Aug 25, 2004

I should have stayed
in Canada


MerchantOfChaos posted:

I typically do not answer the door if I'm not expecting anyone as I fear home invasions and what not.

if you don't live in, like, the worst part of Detroit, lol at your sad fearful world.

if you live in the worst part of Detroit, sorry about your circumstances, i guess.

MerchantOfChaos
Jun 6, 2010

And then I wake up and realize I have to deal with people...

spengler posted:

if you don't live in, like, the worst part of Detroit, lol at your sad fearful world.

if you live in the worst part of Detroit, sorry about your circumstances, i guess.

Believe it or not, poo poo actually happens outside of Detroit. I'd rather be "sad and fearful" than have a coat made out of my skin.

Spazzle
Jul 5, 2003




Were those really handwritten or is it that fake writing printed on the page you see in crappy ads.

Phil Niekro
Jun 4, 2005



Everything in that book is true.

Shaman Ooglaboogla
Jan 11, 2011

Tzeentch can suck it.

MerchantOfChaos posted:

Believe it or not, poo poo actually happens outside of Detroit. I'd rather be "sad and fearful" than have a coat made out of my skin.

I think you are a loser furry.

Motsew
Dec 31, 2004


MerchantOfChaos posted:

Believe it or not, poo poo actually happens outside of Detroit. I'd rather be "sad and fearful" than have a coat made out of my skin.

Actually you're just really loving retarded

Pumpy Muffinz
Aug 11, 2008

Banned?

Motsew posted:

Actually you're just really loving retarded

its hard to argue with the truth.

a hole-y ghost
May 10, 2010



MerchantOfChaos posted:

Believe it or not, poo poo actually happens outside of Detroit. I'd rather be "sad and fearful" than have a coat made out of my skin.
if you had a gun you wouldnt have to worry

MerchantOfChaos
Jun 6, 2010

And then I wake up and realize I have to deal with people...

Yes, it was really handwritten. Yes, I'm retarded for being aware that break-ins are a thing that happens.

Pumpy Muffinz
Aug 11, 2008

Banned?

MerchantOfChaos posted:

Yes, it was really handwritten. Yes, I'm retarded for being aware that break-ins are a thing that happens.

retarded or not, your posting sucks

Sauer
Sep 13, 2005

Socialize Everything!

You may want to look into improving your living conditions OP. Its obvious that some nice religious lunatic think you're horribly impoverished.

Pumpy Muffinz
Aug 11, 2008

Banned?

DSauer posted:

You may want to look into improving your living conditions OP. Its obvious that some nice religious lunatic think you're horribly impoverished.

I hear the Mormons are looking for missionaries

Business Gorillas
Mar 11, 2009

Premium apes for the discerning customer.


i'd stay away from your windows and never walk to your car alone op because lol if you think that home invaders will wait for you to open your door

Business Gorillas
Mar 11, 2009

Premium apes for the discerning customer.


the only real way to make sure that you never get assaulted in a home invasion is to do the worst thing a home invader can do to yourself

murder yourself, op

take the power away from the home invader

Pumpy Muffinz
Aug 11, 2008

Banned?

Business Gorillas posted:

i'd stay away from your windows and never walk to your car alone op because lol if you think that home invaders will wait for you to open your door

yeah. if he was a pussy!

Deathface
Jul 10, 2010


Mom just worries sometimes and wants you to do well.

Business Gorillas
Mar 11, 2009

Premium apes for the discerning customer.


Pumpy Muffinz posted:

yeah. if he was a pussy!

judging by the thumb in the pic i'd usually say that this goon was a woman but with being so overdefensive about lovely decisions i'm going with troon

Flesh Forge
Jan 31, 2011

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY DOG BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH


I see clearly by your whore black nails that you are a minion of Satan

Jimbo Jaggins
Jul 19, 2013


MerchantOfChaos posted:

Yes, it was really handwritten. Yes, I'm retarded for being aware that break-ins are a thing that happens.

I don't think jesus goes off on people like that.

Pumpy Muffinz
Aug 11, 2008

Banned?

Jimbo Jaggins posted:

I don't think jesus goes off on people like that.

lol.

Yaos
Feb 22, 2003

She is a cat of significant gravy.

The best Hey Zeus story I've read is one where he's walking down the street and doesn't want to walk past some white people because he doesn't want to be mugged.

The Dregs
Dec 29, 2005

Nothin' but lint.

holy poo poo you are all assholes

Pumpy Muffinz
Aug 11, 2008

Banned?

Yaos posted:

The best Hey Zeus story I've read is one where he's walking down the street and doesn't want to walk past some white people because he doesn't want to be mugged.

The best Hey Zues story is Die Hard III

Yaos
Feb 22, 2003

She is a cat of significant gravy.

The Dregs posted:

holy poo poo you are all assholes
We're just angry our moms made us go to church.

Angela Christine
Oct 4, 2008



What if the donuts are drugged?

Pumpy Muffinz
Aug 11, 2008

Banned?

Angela Christine posted:

What if the donuts are drugged?

Then we go to heaven high

Cesar Cedeno
May 9, 2011
Probation
Can't post for 4157 days!


Eat all the food. Report back.

Dred Cosmonaut
Jan 5, 2010

There once was a tiger-striped cat.


Dont worry OP, I also live in abject fear of the outside world

big duck equals goose
Nov 7, 2006

FUCK NOOBS


why did you doodle in that book? get a real job.

Robot Pride
Aug 2, 2010
insulting crossfit is just like hating muslims


Is that a riot punch tattoo or maybe a Dead Milkmen "Bleach Boys" reference?

Hobohemian
Sep 29, 2005
Nope

To be honest that's a good way to get me to read something. Refreshments and a snack. Eating food left by strangers might raise a few flags, but being hungry and bored would most certainly quiet that kind of reason.

Pumpy Muffinz
Aug 11, 2008

Banned?

Robot Pride posted:

Is that a riot punch tattoo or maybe a Dead Milkmen "Bleach Boys" reference?

no, he's just a stupid rear end in a top hat.

Robot Pride
Aug 2, 2010
insulting crossfit is just like hating muslims

MerchantOfChaos posted:

Yes, it was really handwritten. Yes, I'm retarded for being aware that break-ins are a thing that happens.

Your chances or someone invading your home and assaulting you are infinitesimal. You are much more likely to have a hundred thousand other things happen. You have a 1 in 6000 chance of dying every time you pull out of your driveway but I am sure you own a car and don't wear a helmet with a 5 point seatbelt. Get your risk priorities together.

DeusExMachinima
Sep 2, 2012


Flesh Forge posted:

I see clearly by your whore black nails that you are a minion of Satan

would

big duck equals goose
Nov 7, 2006

FUCK NOOBS


Pretty much anyone who likes punk music over the age of 22 is a total piece of poo poo

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Angela Christine
Oct 4, 2008



Flesh Forge posted:

I see clearly by your whore black nails that you are a minion of Satan

That's why they included all the snack food. Can't whore it up once you get fat!


Well, you can, but at least you won't be luring good christian boys away from the chubby christian girls anymore.

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