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WarrenH
Feb 19, 2010

derelict


Giving away free copies of my novella, Tall Tales of Felony and Failure. If you enjoy the story, I'd appreciate a sentence or two review on amazon, B&N, itunes, or goodreads. The book also has a terrible facebook page that has no content other then jokes I've cut and pasted from the forums.

quote:

Tall Tales of Felony and Failure is a hilarious, mind altering, soul deadening ride through the eyes of a mildly insane and somewhat super-powered protagonist, Cranston Staigne. After discovering his ability to control time, Cranston embarks with his cohort Tom on a drunken escapade across three continents. During their travels, the pair commit numerous crimes, evade authorities, and cheat death. Itís magnificent decadence and dereliction as they explore unlimited power and unrepentant failure.

Download links:

PDF

mobi

epub

Thanks!

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Al Cowens
Aug 11, 2004
Probation
Can't post for 14 hours!


Sabel easily claims the first post.

The Science of Suck
Mar 17, 2009


Thanks op, i needed something to wipe my e-rear end with

homeless snail
Mar 14, 2007


how many erotica would you classify this book as

Twink Toilet
May 14, 2004
:D


ill write a review anyway

Renegret
May 26, 2007



Nice lens flare on the cover art. It really something something somethings your something something.

Doublestep
Sep 8, 2013




op's facebook posted:

Do you want to know why women hate winter storms? Before it happens they anticipate something exciting and after its all done they are lucky if they get a few inches.

op why

Cool Blue Reason
Jan 7, 2010


Buschmaki
Dec 26, 2012


books are for fags

Buschmaki
Dec 26, 2012


The Brown Menace
Dec 24, 2010

Now comes in all colors.


the gently caress kind of last name is haustrumerda

Glass Bottom Boat
May 26, 2009




what about if i hate your book op, do you still want me to review it?

Hobohemian
Sep 29, 2005
Nope

Oh boy, you are going to regret this very quickly.

"Like Oscar Wilde and The picture of Dorian Gray before him, Warren Haustrumerda takes you on a moral journey that is in parts incredibly funny, and in others really sad - but a thoroughly satisfying read all-round." Your friends reviews are hilarious.

Fandyien
Feb 10, 2012

Delicious


sounds like some retarded worthless poo poo op. did they not like it at tv tropes?

FrozenVent
May 1, 2009
I love cruise ships and they have never ever done anything wrong ever and are 100% correct always because I worked on one once.

WarrenH posted:

Giving away free copies of my novella, Tall Tales of Felony and Failure. If you enjoy the story, I'd appreciate a sentence or two review on amazon, B&N, itunes, or goodreads. The book also has a terrible facebook page that has no content other then jokes I've cut and pasted from the forums.


Download links:

PDF

mobi

epub

Thanks!

You've been around these fine boards for the past four years; what made you think this could ever be a good idea?

brick cow
Oct 22, 2008


FrozenVent posted:

You've been around these fine boards for the past four years; what made you think this could ever be a good idea?

This. I wrote a book and I wouldn't want my horrible posting in any way connected to my horrible dr. who/MLP slash fanfic novel.

uG
Apr 23, 2003



Tales of the Gas Chamber - the op

Fandyien
Feb 10, 2012

Delicious


quote:

There is no coffee pile. I manage to scrounge some sealed single-serving pouches of instant from
the food pile. Tom, whoís letting his organizational responsibilities slip, didnít think to bring any
cups of hot water. I resort to pulling a fat pinch of instant coffee from one of the pouches which I pack
under my lip like a big old rub. Itís gritty as hell, and it tastes like rear end. I run a hand through my greasy,
matted hair and play with the coffee grit floating around my mouth with my tongue. I feel like a
loving prom queen. I light a cigarette to go with my coffee, and start harassing Tom.

Renegret
May 26, 2007



uG posted:

Tales of the Gas Chamber - the op

Thanks for reminding me to vote this thread a 1.

Fandyien
Feb 10, 2012

Delicious


quote:

Some old Asian army officer-looking guy walks up to Tom and me, followed by two little jackbooted goons in fatigues. The old guy is bent and wrinkly in his crisp uniform. His goons are stern-eyed and metal-helmeted.

lol goons!

Fandyien
Feb 10, 2012

Delicious


real talk you're a genuinely bad writer

Fandyien
Feb 10, 2012

Delicious


quote:

I don't know how this is going to pan out, so right now I'll just enjoy my time on the PATIENCE. She's a good ship, and I've gotten very good at what I do here. I am literally thrilled daily by my successes.

We're all monsters.

the second to last line of your book includes "I am literally thrilled daily..." that is some awkward rear end phrasing imo

a cop
Apr 17, 2014


soul deadening

Renegret
May 26, 2007



Fandyien posted:

the second to last line of your book includes "I am literally thrilled daily..." that is some awkward rear end phrasing imo


It's called "Penultimate" you loving pleb you clearly don't understand the author's vision.

Hobohemian
Sep 29, 2005
Nope

Fandyien posted:

the second to last line of your book includes "I am literally thrilled daily..." that is some awkward rear end phrasing imo

I hate to do this to you, as you have already sacrificed, but could you read and post more? For us.

brick cow
Oct 22, 2008


Here is an excerpt from my novel (so you can get an idea of how to be a good writer:

quote:

It was a dark and stormy saturday night. Rainbow and Juicy Juice were taking shelter in the barn, taking turns brushing each other manes. They had to hold the brushes in their mouths because they are ponies. Soon they dropped the brushes and began licking each others faces like they were covered in apples and hay. A familiar scent wafted up to Rainbows snout. "Now I know why they call you Juicy Juice." Then they both giggled.

Juicy juice sighed, "We are both girl ponies whatever shall we do to satisfy this hunger in our pony loins?"

Rainbow sighed also.

Suddenly they heard a magical sound, a familiar sound, it went whily-whirl-whirly-rrrrr-whily-whilr-rrr-whil-whily and suddenly a large blue policemans box appeared before them and suddenly the doors opened and also very suddenly a man came out those doors, "Hello, what's this? I'm the doctor, I like bow ties and ponies." He said.

"Ponies! Hooray!" Rainbow and Juicy Juice cried in unison. Then the doctor suddenly whipped out both his sonic screwdrivers...



It goes on but you get the drift. You really need to develop your voice and tone as a writer.

Cool Blue Reason
Jan 7, 2010



wtf how does OP know what rear end tastes like! lmao!

klapman
Aug 27, 2012

Do I turn you ON?


you should hit up critiquecircle.com, its pretty good and more likely to get you informed criticism than gbs. its cool that you're putting yourself out there but maybe hit up the thunderdome over in TBB, they can probably help you a lot too

Fandyien
Feb 10, 2012

Delicious


Hobohemian posted:

I hate to do this to you, as you have already sacrificed, but could you read and post more? For us.

quote:

We're panting and sweating by the time we finish. I'm pleased that, during the assault, I'd found time to use the words Iíd been saving since our car ride in Cambodia. I remove the dead agentís slacks, which are much fresher than mine, and clumsily put them on after removing my own.This pleases me to no end.

lol the dude who wrote this cant distinguish between Hitman games and real fiction

Anais Nun
Apr 21, 2010


This will end well.

Pumpy Muffinz
Aug 11, 2008

Banned?

WarrenH posted:

Giving away free copies of my novella, Tall Tales of Felony and Failure. If you enjoy the story, I'd appreciate a sentence or two review on amazon, B&N, itunes, or goodreads. The book also has a terrible facebook page that has no content other then jokes I've cut and pasted from the forums.


Download links:

PDF

mobi

epub

Thanks!

got a kindle code? I'll read it and write a review. Can't promise it'll be good though.

uG
Apr 23, 2003



lets make this thread the #1 google result for possible child rapist and author Warren Haustrumerda

Fandyien
Feb 10, 2012

Delicious


quote:

This answer is both good and bad. It doesn't seem we're in any immediate danger, but I can't
have my chaperone breaking down on me. Not now, anyway.
"What are you talking about?" Why am I whispering?
"I've seen some dude's prolapsed rear end in a top hat, on the internet. I didn't know an rear end in a top hat could do
that."
Well, there you go. Goddamn internet. If youíve been on it for more than five minutes without
accidentally seeing something terrifying, youíre doing something wrong.

this book is literally insufferable

Pumpy Muffinz
Aug 11, 2008

Banned?

uG posted:

lets make this thread the #1 google result for possible child rapist and author Warren Haustrumerda

that sounds like work. Its sunday, don't work on sundays

Fandyien
Feb 10, 2012

Delicious


"I've seen some dude's prolapsed rear end in a top hat, on the internet."

Hobohemian
Sep 29, 2005
Nope

Too bad the author is gonna be too much of a puss to come back and post in this thread, seeing as this is his first post in like a year. That would have been funny as hell.

Fandyien
Feb 10, 2012

Delicious


basically this book is about a gay, retarded 12 year old's fantasy mary sue time travelling and pining after his retarded friend, tom.

Pumpy Muffinz
Aug 11, 2008

Banned?

Hobohemian posted:

Too bad the author is gonna be too much of a puss to come back and post in this thread, seeing as this is his first post in like a year. That would have been funny as hell.

ha ha.
OP please come back. I want to read your book and give a good review on all those sites you listed

Pumpy Muffinz
Aug 11, 2008

Banned?

Honest Injun!

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Pick
Jul 19, 2009

Panthera tigris
If a cat draws human penises, is it a furry-1?


did you remember to find-and-replace every instance where "Sam" or "Dean" is stuttered or something? i hate when people miss one and it's like "shove y-your b-big d-d-d-dick up my a-rear end, D-Jaden"

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