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Buschmaki
Dec 26, 2012



When I wake up in the morning, my dick is like, rock hard. Normally this would be pretty rad, but it's very hard to carry out my morning routine with an erect penis. Does anyone know what causes these painful morning erections? How do I get rid of them, do chicks also get them or something equivalent?

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PollosBromanos
May 18, 2012


Slapping it against a wall usually does the trick for me. When that doesn't work, I resort to slamming a door on it while being very careful not to sever of course.

pixelbaron
Mar 18, 2009



sever. from your penis

Wooten
Oct 4, 2004



Try burning your dick with a lit cigarette. Either you will lose your erection or, if you're like me, you will have a powerful orgasm and then lose your erection hth.

Mr.Tophat
Apr 7, 2007

'The time has come,' the Walrus said, 'To talk of many things'

Apply ice to the engorged area. Alternatively, put your member into the freezer before you sleep.

Full Metal Jackass
Jan 22, 2001



every morning is an identity crisis for trans

Dolphin
Dec 5, 2008
I SNIFF BUTTS

kill yourself

Robotnik Nudes
Jul 8, 2013


Sometimes I wake up and my dick is hard and I try to jerk off but just fall back asleep. That happens a lot. I cant hardly jerk off lying down because I fall asleep first.

That's my story about my erections.

you irl
Jan 22, 2014


morning priapism

PollosBromanos
May 18, 2012


Robotnik Nudes posted:

Sometimes I wake up and my dick is hard and I try to jerk off but just fall back asleep. That happens a lot. I cant hardly jerk off lying down because I fall asleep first.

That's my story about my erections.

Are you facing down or up?

Kazvall
Mar 20, 2009



I always beat off right before bed. Like using my phone I just ejaculate straight onto my bare chest and immediately fall asleep. My brain already senses semen while I'm sleeping so it thinks everything is gender normal.

Calvin Johnson Jr.
Dec 8, 2009


get naked and run at the wall as hard as you can youll cum so hard

Kazvall
Mar 20, 2009



droey posted:

get naked and run at the wall as hard as you can youll cum so hard

Maybe make a tiny hole in the wall so maybe your insurance will cover it as daggering

tomstuart
Aug 1, 2006

First we make sex, create. . . babies. And then, yes, and then . . . we eat.


just lay on your back and then begin to urinate until you feel like you've created a perfect vacuum in your bladder


after you're done lean out the window and yell harsh negs at everyone getting ready for work

you irl
Jan 22, 2014


personally i handle it like a kid's milk tooth - tie it to a doorknob and slam the door

Buschmaki
Dec 26, 2012



Sorry guys, I can't cum straight off in the morning because I have to do my light calisthenics,, so you can see how having an erection can gently caress my routine up. I mean, I'll always take advice on how to ejac, but it's not really relevant to the topic at hand w/r/t morning wood.

Trixie Hardcore
Jul 1, 2006



Well OP I've never seen a penis before but I'm pretty sure you can just strap it to your thigh or affix a penis gourd for protection while you do calisthenics.

VanSandman
Feb 16, 2011



do some loving jumping jacks, get the blood moving somewhere else besides your dick


REAL ADVICE IN A JOKE THREAD

TED BUNNDY
May 30, 2009

SO HUNGRY


Wooten posted:

Try burning your dick with a lit cigarette. Either you will lose your erection or, if you're like me, you will have a powerful orgasm and then lose your erection hth.

Vynar
Jul 3, 2011



I would have to recommend that you yell racist things at it until it slinks away in defeat. Make sure you film it so that if this does not work your doctor can take a look.

porkchop_express
May 27, 2004


prob you were dreaming about being cucked. tell me op, were you also covered in tears of shame? cuz thats's pretty hosed up if true

SniperWoreConverse
Mar 20, 2010



Trixie Hardcore posted:

Well OP I've never seen a penis before but I'm pretty sure you can just strap it to your thigh or affix a penis gourd for protection while you do calisthenics.

penis gourd is well worth the investmet, trust me

VanSandman posted:

do some loving jumping jacks, get the blood moving somewhere else besides your dick


REAL ADVICE IN A JOKE THREAD

this but it would helpful to get some vitiman d. I recommend doing it in front of open windows, the sunlight on your skin will cause the vitemans to synthesize

girth brooks part 2
Sep 6, 2011

Tell us we will die like dogs.


scream bible verses while violently thrusting a crucifix at it so it shrinks in awe of the Lord, works for me

gggiiimmmppp
Feb 15, 2004

Just as a person haunted by a ghost exhibits madness, the best of the he-goats, attracted by the many she-goats, engaged in erotic activities and naturally forgot his real business of self-realization


i just wear one of these little guys at all time, it makes inappropriate erections pretty much impossible

ilikedirt
Oct 15, 2004

king of posting


have u tried peeing

on youre own face

Momplestiltskin
Jan 15, 2014

Got any extra firstborns?

Use the zen approach. Don't fight the morning wood, harness it. I was just saying in that other thread that through practice and meditation I have gained the ability to urinate hands free while sporting a full erection. It's this type of harmony with the natural world that really improves your life imo. See about incorporating your erection into your calisthinecs (sp?) or maybe dont cus tbh thats pretty gay. Probably just do push ups and sit ups and stuff like a man.

Vynar
Jul 3, 2011



If you have a male neighbor or roommate the two of you could team up every morning and solve this issue.

Subliminal Sauce
Apr 6, 2010

Spreading freedom and spreading it thick; that's just a thing us right-wing nutjobs do!


Get old and worry about your mortality; worked for me.
Now I just get a raging re-knob from nine till noon.

Buschmaki
Dec 26, 2012



Momplestiltskin posted:

Use the zen approach. Don't fight the morning wood, harness it. I was just saying in that other thread that through practice and meditation I have gained the ability to urinate hands free while sporting a full erection. It's this type of harmony with the natural world that really improves your life imo. See about incorporating your erection into your calisthinecs (sp?) or maybe dont cus tbh thats pretty gay. Probably just do push ups and sit ups and stuff like a man.

that's what calisthenics are.

you irl
Jan 22, 2014


ive had morning wood so long-lasting i just went to work with a massive erection and my boss had to blow me to get it down

porkchop_express
May 27, 2004


gggiiimmmppp posted:

i just wear one of these little guys at all time, it makes inappropriate erections pretty much impossible



mothers day gift? check.

AceClown
Sep 11, 2005



I get mourning wood

Trixie Hardcore
Jul 1, 2006



Everytime I see this thread I can't stop thinking about rock hard cocks.

The American Dream
Mar 1, 2007
Don't Forget My Balls

I always get major morning wood the night after drinking a ton of beer. Like it won't go away for the hour I lay in bed praying for my hangover to go away.

bigzak
Aug 15, 2003


i love waking up in the morning with a blue vein throbber. a boner that just hurts.

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Momplestiltskin
Jan 15, 2014

Got any extra firstborns?

Trixie Hardcore posted:

Everytime I see this thread I can't stop thinking about rock hard cocks.

me either but im always thinking about those so its not unusual for me

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