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Nemdlin
Oct 12, 2012

It's easy when you know how.


Quick overview of the nonsense I'm about to vomit onto the forums for any unlucky individual who reads this.

I recently (little over a year now) started leaving my house after an almost decade long life hiatus due to agoraphobia and general social anxieties. I started back at school, did a short course and I'll be starting at uni next September.
During the course I made mildly successful efforts at reaching out socially, I met some decent people but I don't yet have the capacity to form actual long lasting friendships. Somehow, I did however meet someone incredible, my first partner, at the age of 26.

We dated for over 6 months, and everything seemed to be going well. I was most certainly in love with her, and I still strongly believe she felt the same about me.
I have a lovely history with people, and while I tried to not let it affect things with her as best I could I had my doubts. I'm aware enough to realize letting those doubts out is going to harm a relationship, and there were a couple of events where that came up. (Her living with her ex, who tried to gently caress her within the first week of us dating didn't help. I never accused her of anything, I trusted her but there was some discomfort. I dealt with my issues pretty well I think.)

She had boundary issues, an absolutely horrific past, was a massive introvert and was very heavily bipolar. I'm very possibly paranoid schizophrenic, am not good with people and have the life experience of a seventeen year old. We met a couple of times a week, it was mostly school related but we made an effort to meet at the weekends even though there was a 30 mile distance between us. Every now and then there would be lulls in contact (days usually, nothing major when I'm thinking reasonably) and I would panic.

The last time it happened it was family related, she was worried about something and was being incredibly flaky; cancelling every meet up we had planned and eventually told me we probably couldn't meet for a month.
I had absolutely no idea what was going on, she didn't want to communicate her issue with me beyond vague allusions. One day I was talking to her over the phone and mentioned "what's a day" for us to meet, that I could drive over to hers to spend some time together. This pushed her over the edge and led to the subsequent breakup. She considered that an example of me crossing her boundaries.

I know what she was going through now, it is pretty major. But what I've posted here is about as much as I knew then. She's convinced I should have known something major was up. I don't have the experience with people to pick up on something like that but she claims I let her down in a massive way, lost all trust she had for me and cut me out of her life.


Basically I'm here to ask (probably not the best place. I don't really have anywhere else to ask and I need to vent) was I massively in the wrong?



(I'm seriously considering getting help for my mental issues once I move for school.)

Edit: for clarity.

Nemdlin fucked around with this message at Jun 18, 2014 around 04:14

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Arch Stanton
Nov 23, 2003
EYEBALLS AND TONGUES DON'T MIX EW EW EW EW EW

Paranoid schizophrenia isn't something you just deal with. It's a serious medical condition that should be diagnosed and treated with therapy, medication and supervision.

If you think you have paranoid schizophrenia you need to get a professional diagnosis and treatment immediately. It's not just something bad sounding to namedrop in the middle of a list of ailments. It's a big deal and often ends horribly when left untreated.

All that aside, it sounds like you experienced a doomed interaction between two people who are too broken to maintain any semblance of a healthy relationship.

Arch Stanton fucked around with this message at Jun 17, 2014 around 22:56

Nemdlin
Oct 12, 2012

It's easy when you know how.


Arch Stanton posted:

Paranoid schizophrenia isn't something you just deal with. It's a serious medical condition that should be diagnosed and treated with therapy, medication and supervision.

If you think you have paranoid schizophrenia you need to get a professional diagnosis and treatment immediately. It's not just something bad sounding to namedrop in the middle of a list of ailments. It's a big deal and often ends horribly when left untreated.

All that aside, it sounds like you experienced a doomed interaction between two people who are too broken to maintain any semblance of a healthy relationship.

My family has a history of being mentally unwell, I've never personally been diagnosed. I did ask my GP for help earlier this year, she set up a meeting with a trainee who wasn't legally allowed to diagnose me. It didn't go great. I'm going to try again.

Less Is Definitely
Jan 10, 2012


So this girl who you dated for over 6 months doesn't want to see you anymore and gets angry when you ask for more dates. Why was your asking for another date such an affront to her? Did you two break up or are you still talking to each other? Who are "they" and why are they important in this story?

If you're still talking to each other, you could let her know that you care for here and that she can contact you when she feels better and/or needs someone to talk to. At the same time, it's probably wise to respect her wishes and not contact her if she doesn't want you to.

You might also want to not date people with boundary issues.

Nemdlin
Oct 12, 2012

It's easy when you know how.


Less Is Definitely posted:

So this girl who you dated for over 6 months doesn't want to see you anymore and gets angry when you ask for more dates. Why was your asking for another date such an affront to her? Did you two break up or are you still talking to each other? Who are "they" and why are they important in this story?

If you're still talking to each other, you could let her know that you care for here and that she can contact you when she feels better and/or needs someone to talk to. At the same time, it's probably wise to respect her wishes and not contact her if she doesn't want you to.

You might also want to not date people with boundary issues.

"They" are reffering to her, I could edit the post to make that more clear but I think it's against the rules to edit E/N OPs. I have no idea why it was such an affront to her, she mentioned boundaries a lot. She broke up with me shortly after I asked to see her again. I have made it cleart that I would be here when things calm down for her, or if she needed me but it seems like I've massively hosed up somewhere and I'm not really aware enough to see where. We aren't talking anymore.

Less Is Definitely
Jan 10, 2012


Sounds like she had been wanting to break up for a while. You didn't get the hint and pushed the issue, so she got angry.

You probably did nothing wrong, it just didn't work out. Don't fret it, OP, there is a nearly limitless amount of more suitable partners for you out there.

Less Is Definitely fucked around with this message at Jun 17, 2014 around 23:29

Nemdlin
Oct 12, 2012

It's easy when you know how.


Less Is Definitely posted:

Sounds like she had been wanting to break up for a while. You didn't get the hint and pushed the issue, so she got angry.

You probably did nothing wrong, it just didn't work out. Don't fret it, OP, there is a nearly limitless amount of more suitable partners for you out there.

You could very well be right. Certainly worth considering.

PopRocks
Jul 4, 2003

WTF am I reading?

Nemdlin posted:

I have no idea why it was such an affront to her, she mentioned boundaries a lot. She broke up with me shortly after I asked to see her again. I have made it cleart that I would be here when things calm down for her, or if she needed me but it seems like I've massively hosed up somewhere and I'm not really aware enough to see where. We aren't talking anymore.

Your massive gently caress up was expecting her to be your only social contact and fill all your needs. She needed time and space to deal with her family situation, and you had no one else to turn to, and so kept pushing her until she realized she wasn't getting anything out of being your only meaningful social interaction and she was stuck in an unbalanced relationship. Perhaps you should not have known exactly what she was going through, but you should have been able to give her space when she asked for a month to deal with her situation, and you couldn't do that. You failed to do what she needed of you, and kept expecting her to fulfill your needs. Relationship broken, time to move on.

Go to a real psychologist who can diagnose you and help you with your social interactions so you don't have to rely on your partner alone to meet your needs in the future when you meet someone else.

Ern Malley
Nov 11, 2005



Nemdlin posted:

"They" are reffering to her, I could edit the post to make that more clear but I think it's against the rules to edit E/N OPs.

Editing the OP to, say, correct typos and clarify details is totally fine. Closing a thread you posted is what's against the rules.

natetimm
May 24, 2007
MAYBE WITH THIS SYCOPHANTIC POST,
THE JOB CREATORS WILL FINALLY LOVE ME AND TREAT ME AS ONE OF THEIR OWN

Look, Daddy I'm even racist like you!


She's loving her ex again because he lives closer and isn't as clingy.

Nemdlin
Oct 12, 2012

It's easy when you know how.


PopRocks posted:

Your massive gently caress up was expecting her to be your only social contact and fill all your needs. She needed time and space to deal with her family situation, and you had no one else to turn to, and so kept pushing her until she realized she wasn't getting anything out of being your only meaningful social interaction and she was stuck in an unbalanced relationship. Perhaps you should not have known exactly what she was going through, but you should have been able to give her space when she asked for a month to deal with her situation, and you couldn't do that. You failed to do what she needed of you, and kept expecting her to fulfill your needs. Relationship broken, time to move on.

Go to a real psychologist who can diagnose you and help you with your social interactions so you don't have to rely on your partner alone to meet your needs in the future when you meet someone else.

This sounds scarily like her approach to the situation, and could be accurate. As harsh as it is I appreciate the response.

Ern Malley posted:

Editing the OP to, say, correct typos and clarify details is totally fine. Closing a thread you posted is what's against the rules.

Thanks for the heads up, I tidied the OP up a little.

Queen Gnome
Jul 30, 2006

Her Lawnliness


Ten years? Those are ten years you could have been seeking help and therapy so you don't have to be an anxious hermit. Focus on yourself and you need to get professional help. Don't wait another ten years to realize this, and look to professionals, not friends or partners, to help you through your mental health problems.

There are a lot of people (myself included) on these forums who live with mental illness, but through medicine and/or therapy have been able to lead relatively normal lives. You can too.

Jeherrin
Jun 7, 2012


OP, do not date people who can't manage their mental health.

Actually, OP, just don't date. Sort your poo poo out. Get the mental health support you need, work on improving yourself and your situation, and then you can think about dating.

Bottom line seems to be she's unwell. You're unwell. Your reactions to her behaviour almost certainly weren't rational and were disproportionate. Her reactions to her situation and your behaviour may well have been the same. Prospects for the relationship would be poor one person reacting irrationally and disproportionally would be bad enough, but two? Doomed from the start.

Unicorncupcake
Sep 13, 2011



Hey, having a six month long first relationship after being a literal shut-in is actually pretty good! One of the things you'll eventually learn about having relationships is that often they end, and they end awkwardly and leave you with more questions than answers. Early relationships still have their training wheels on. A short relationship isn't necessarily a failure, it just means that it ran its course. Just because this one didn't work out doesn't mean that it wasn't a valuable learning experience. Use it as a way to figure out what you need to work on and not dwelling on details that you can't change (like anything involving the actions and behavior of others.)

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People

You and this woman are both really messed up, dude. You should see a mental health professional if possible.

Musket
Mar 19, 2008


Yall got issues that wont make for a successful relationship. Get your mental health in control before you try to date anyone again. You wont be able have a healthy relationship with anyone until you fix your own mental poo poo.

xov
Nov 14, 2005

DNA Ts. Rednum or F. Raf


Jeherrin posted:

OP, do not date people who can't manage their mental health.

Actually, OP, just don't date. Sort your poo poo out. Get the mental health support you need, work on improving yourself and your situation, and then you can think about dating.


Yeah, the phrase "steel sharpens steel" comes to mind.

It is extremely rare that I witness a case where two people who have untreated mental issues get together and don't end up doing this bloody dance down a spiral toilet of doom which almost always ends in a messy breakup.

Figure your own poo poo out first please.

Lava Lamp Goddess
Feb 19, 2007



Potentially off topic, but can I ask why you believe you are paranoid schizophrenic OP? What sort of things are you experiencing that lead you to believe this? I ask because most schizophrenics don't have the self insight to conclude that they are schizophrenic.

kedo
Nov 27, 2007



Nemdlin posted:

She had boundary issues, an absolutely horrific past, was a massive introvert and was very heavily bipolar. I'm very possibly paranoid schizophrenic, am not good with people and have the life experience of a seventeen year old.

This is your problem right here. Neither of you probably did anything wrong, but you're both hosed up and are probably in no state to be in a steady relationship.

Good on you for trying to get your life in order, but I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about this.

Nemdlin
Oct 12, 2012

It's easy when you know how.


Thanks for the responses. I will be looking to get help, I was strongly considering I needed it before and this thread has made that even more apparent to me.


Lava Lamp Goddess posted:

Potentially off topic, but can I ask why you believe you are paranoid schizophrenic OP? What sort of things are you experiencing that lead you to believe this? I ask because most schizophrenics don't have the self insight to conclude that they are schizophrenic.

I read the most elaborately insidious intentions into almost every word directed to me, it's a small part of why I ended up staying in (there were other physical reasons.) To the point where, when I think back on it it's fully apparent even to me that it's ridiculous, but at the time I fully believe there's something bad even behind well intentioned words.

My uncle is a kleptomaniac and a chronic liar, to the point where I knew before I hit double digits to hide things from him or he'd sell them, he's fully delusional and believes every lie he tells.

My grandmother had horrific fantasies which she fully believed were real. She would often tell me our family were aliens in disguise, seriously freaking out about it and I was the only one she could trust.

There's more of it in my family than I'd care to admit and I know it's genetic, so there's a possibility for my issues to be connected.

I've had it pointed out to me before how abnormal my perspective was in the past, and my partner most recently pointed out that I had strong signs of it. I will be trying to get a diagnosis soon.

Tibor
Apr 29, 2009


She sounds like a twat. You don't. Move on.

ArbitraryC
Jan 28, 2009
Pick a number, any number.

Yeah I gotta say it's pretty much never acceptable in a relationship to just be awol for long periods of time and asking for a month apart 6 months in might as well be breaking up. You need to work on yourself for a lot of reasons you've already noted, but if I had to guess I'd say girl living with her ex that doesn't contact you consistently and gets mad when you call her out on it was probably loving her ex because there's no reason to overreact unless she's trying to shift the discomfort of secrets she's keeping onto you.

Nemdlin
Oct 12, 2012

It's easy when you know how.


ArbitraryC posted:

Yeah I gotta say it's pretty much never acceptable in a relationship to just be awol for long periods of time and asking for a month apart 6 months in might as well be breaking up. You need to work on yourself for a lot of reasons you've already noted, but if I had to guess I'd say girl living with her ex that doesn't contact you consistently and gets mad when you call her out on it was probably loving her ex because there's no reason to overreact unless she's trying to shift the discomfort of secrets she's keeping onto you.

It would take a lot of the sting out if it ended up being her cheating on me, I'd have a much easier time moving on. I should take greater care putting my trust in people I've known for so little time (I took a massive risk there, I have trust issues to put it lightly).

Samurai Quack
Apr 19, 2012

"My name is Claus, king of kings;
Look on my toys, ye Mighty, and despair!"


Nemdlin posted:

It would take a lot of the sting out if it ended up being her cheating on me, I'd have a much easier time moving on. I should take greater care putting my trust in people I've known for so little time (I took a massive risk there, I have trust issues to put it lightly).

we all make bad calls man, don't beat yourself up about it. Just learn from it, and be wiser about how you approach a relationship in the future. Most people aren't like her, but trust is something that should come slowly, since it can open you up to hurt like you've personally seen. Get comfortable with yourself first then when you feel ready to get out there again I'm sure you'll be able to meet someone.

enbot
Jun 7, 2013


Nemdlin posted:


The last time it happened it was family related, she was worried about something and was being incredibly flaky; cancelling every meet up we had planned and eventually told me we probably couldn't meet for a month.
I had absolutely no idea what was going on, she didn't want to communicate her issue with me beyond vague allusions. One day I was talking to her over the phone and mentioned "what's a day" for us to meet, that I could drive over to hers to spend some time together. This pushed her over the edge and led to the subsequent breakup. She considered that an example of me crossing her boundaries.

I know what she was going through now, it is pretty major. But what I've posted here is about as much as I knew then. She's convinced I should have known something major was up. I don't have the experience with people to pick up on something like that but she claims I let her down in a massive way, lost all trust she had for me and cut me out of her life.

This is like bipolar.txt. It's not possible to have a (healthy) relationship with someone who has untreated severe bipolar disorder.

The Saurus
Dec 3, 2006

Why aren't the LP threads making what I want to read RIGHT NOW?!


I like to call egocentric venting "Egocentring"

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Uncle Salty
Jan 19, 2008
BOYS

OP, you seem like a genuinely good dude. I hope you get your issues sorted out with a professional and experience a happy life.

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