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Funnypost Collabo


This guy hired me to edit his resume, his Work Experience section is a single eight-page-long paragraph, he has 37 separate references listed, many of which are first-name-only, the names of more than half of the businesses he has worked for are misspelled, and his cover letter is a generic "I would be grateful if you offered me the posted position for which I have applied" sheet.

I've been looking for a job recently and I was shocked at how easy it is to get offers right now, I sent out 25 resumes last week and got 14 calls. If this is my competition, I know why it's so easy.

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friendly craig


obtaining a job is real easy.

Funnypost Collabo


Everything is paying super high right now too, the avg. pay when I was looking last week was around $15-18/hour compared to just 2 years ago when $13/hour was like "drat"

Jett



i've determined for myself that most of the freelancers on odesk must be idiots b/c my profile isn't all that fleshed out but usually when i apply to a job they respond to me out of like 47 applicants and hire me on the spot

to be fair at least half of those other applicants are indian and claim to be fluent in verbal and written english and are lying

Funnypost Collabo


oDesk's English fluency tests are written by those same Indians who are not fluent. That's why I ended up closing my account and never working through them.

Funnypost Collabo


The one time I conducted interviews at my old job, this guy's previous five years of work experience just said "circus performer" and during the interview he talked about how he had become addicted to Meth when working for the circus and so he was seeking a new path through life.

Blue's Clues


I was watching Pacific Rim about a month ago and paused it to go the the bathroom. When I cam back and hit play, it immediately went into the scene with Ron Perlman.

Funnypost Collabo


gah, I knew I should have typed alt+0233 (memorized because of my days building a geocities pokémon fansite...)

Widestancer



I always enjoy reading resumes where people forget to proofread and leave in cover sheets and stuff for other job applications

Funnypost Collabo


"I would be grateful if you accept my resume for the position stipulated in my application for your organization. I have enclosed my resume with this letter that will give you detailed information about educational qualifications and work experience.

I would appreciate if we would meet up for a follow up interview and discuss this more. You can call me at [number] or email me at [email]"

That is this guy's cover letter.

Jett



Funnypost Collabo posted:

oDesk's English fluency tests are written by those same Indians who are not fluent. That's why I ended up closing my account and never working through them.

well tbh i think that's why a lot of my clients have insisted on skype interviews that only lasted like a minute, once i showed i could communicate a coherent thought in english on the fly i was in

LaTex Fetish

If only I could get her to sharpen me axe!








i am he


zelda is the girl

Funnypost Collabo


Jett posted:

well tbh i think that's why a lot of my clients have insisted on skype interviews that only lasted like a minute, once i showed i could convey a coherent thought on the fly i was in

Seems like a cool site if you get going but a lot of things just made me real mad. One of the big discussions on their forums when I was looking in to it were people complaining that the site was enforcing a $2/hour minimum wage because "there are several workers from the Philippines etc. on this website who are more than willing to work for $0.50/hour, if you are forcing me to pay at least $2/hour I will no longer use your service."

Funnypost Collabo



I would love to throw this resumé in the garbage can.

Frank Horrigan

You and your mutie-bastard friends are gonna join me in a big ol' mushroom cloud sendoff.


Definitely this one.

LaTex Fetish

If only I could get her to sharpen me axe!

Funnypost Collabo posted:

I would love to throw this resumé in the garbage can.

but you ain't even got to the good parts

Funnypost Collabo


Hello, please take this extended pamphlet of poorly-chosen fonts placed on busy, unreadable backgrounds, in which I explain the qualities of a good anime, as proof positive that I am the Graphic Designer you are looking for.

LaTex Fetish

If only I could get her to sharpen me axe!

I don't know about you, but i'm always looking for someone to kick back and watch some good anime with.

need to rewatch Evangelion sometime this year (do it every year lol)

Machai

Be the change you want to see in the *fart*

The worst one I have seen is that brony engineer one that was all pony themed and really dumb and bad

Sleepy Owl


Raip posted:

The worst one I have seen is that brony engineer one that was all pony themed and really dumb and bad

i hate that i know exactly which one your talking about

Iggy Koopa

happy halloween


Frank Horrigan posted:



Definitely this one.

this one guys?

FluffieDuckie
Probation
Can't post for 3 hours!

we got a resume once that had a contact email with a local gang name as part of the email address. we went, um no, and pitched it

Sleepy Owl


Oil Can Boyd posted:

this one guys?

so thats where i know it from

Iggy Koopa

happy halloween


Sleepy Owl posted:

so thats where i know it from

its not mine i just meant hey its right here in the thread!

Siluvayne


oh guys...those are bad. welcome to my life.

cruft



What job is this lady even applying for? Everything she lists as skills, she's bad at. Even clerical work seems like a bad fit.

Kids, it's called work, and not happy fun time.

cruft


Siluvayne posted:

oh guys...those are bad. welcome to my life.

Funnypost Collabo


I didn't even notice the part that said "Don't throw this away just yet!" when I said I would love to throw that resume in the garbage bin.

LaTex Fetish

If only I could get her to sharpen me axe!

Funnypost Collabo posted:

I didn't even notice the part that said "Don't throw this away just yet!" when I said I would love to throw that resume in the garbage bin.

it's funny because she was aware of how bad it was but still decided it was good enough to be sent

FluffieDuckie
Probation
Can't post for 3 hours!

FluffieDuckie posted:

we got a resume once that had a contact email with a local gang name as part of the email address. we went, um no, and pitched it

the moral of this story is if your email is "ilikebigdixs@yahoo.com" or something you might think about setting up a new one.

this piece of resume advice free of charge from the duck

Frank Horrigan

You and your mutie-bastard friends are gonna join me in a big ol' mushroom cloud sendoff.
Try working in anything IT-related. The sheer amount of half-assed resumes from "self-taught" basement dwelling nerds is hilarious. YEAH I TAUGHT MYSELF VBASIC, PLEASE GIVE ME A JOB THAT PAYS $130K A YEAR

LaTex Fetish

If only I could get her to sharpen me axe!

Frank Horrigan posted:

Try working in anything IT-related. The sheer amount of half-assed resumes from "self-taught" basement dwelling nerds is hilarious. YEAH I TAUGHT MYSELF VBASIC, PLEASE GIVE ME A JOB THAT PAYS $130K A YEAR

please don't reveal my job-getting secrets

UnwiseTrout

Funnypost Collabo posted:

This guy hired me to edit his resume, his Work Experience section is a single eight-page-long paragraph, he has 37 separate references listed, many of which are first-name-only, the names of more than half of the businesses he has worked for are misspelled, and his cover letter is a generic "I would be grateful if you offered me the posted position for which I have applied" sheet.

I hope Benny the Snake is paying you well.

Funnypost Collabo


LaTex Fetish posted:

it's funny because she was aware of how bad it was but still decided it was good enough to be sent

She also used the word "goddamn" in a resume.

Funnypost Collabo


MNy resume is just a business card that says "Gimme the goddamn job" and has a phone#. Nothing else

Frank Horrigan

You and your mutie-bastard friends are gonna join me in a big ol' mushroom cloud sendoff.

LaTex Fetish posted:

please don't reveal my job-getting secrets

If you want to maximize the visibility of your resume, include any guilds you run as "leadership experience". I'll laugh at it for another 10 seconds before throwing it into the garbage, hth

cruft


Funnypost Collabo posted:

She also used the word "goddamn" in a resume.

That's not a résumé, it's a printout of a geocities page.

Siluvayne


FluffieDuckie posted:

the moral of this story is if your email is "ilikebigdixs@yahoo.com" or something you might think about setting up a new one.

this piece of resume advice free of charge from the duck

email addresses I have seen used on resumes at my work (remember I help people find jobs)

luv2bfreaky

cakebaby

sexxylexxi

things ending in 69 and 420

goony forum name/d&d character name emails

and so many more I've blocked them out

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Machai

Be the change you want to see in the *fart*

Funnypost Collabo posted:

She also used the word "goddamn" in a resume.

It's almost like she does not understand what being professional means.

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