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This is my obese confession - I am 5'5" and 255 lbs - so that puts me at somewhere around the 45 BMI mark, which is apparently deathfat. I was a normal healthy child, but as I grew older I just ballooned into a mockery of the human form. Around 8 or 9 or so, I started to gain weight because somehow I was already depressed, and instead of helping me, my mother gave me food, because that's how she coped with my dad not giving her affection (because she was pretty fat at this point). I got really REALLY heavy in my sophomore year of high school, and that summer I was finally fed up with feeling lovely. I think I lost about 40 pounds, and kept it pretty well off for a good amount of years. The lowest I got was 160 (forgive the stupid pose/expression, but this picture shows my girth pretty well):  Entering the working world really helped me keep the weight off. But around 2006 I decided I wanted to go to college, because hey I was "smart" and wasn't climbing any ladders to a higher pay grade. Since I had untreated anxiety and depression, it was pretty much a nightmare for me. Trying to interact with people was impossible because I have always felt really unworthy of any sort of care, which coincidentally was the major reason I gained weight in the first place. I simply didn't care enough about myself, and neither did anyone else in my life. I didn't have a mom harping OR accepting my weight, I was kind of left to my own devices which is a bad sitch for a depressed kid. Anywho, I started gaining weight back during that first year of school, and got to about 180 lbs so none of my clothes fit, I was tired all the time. I had a nasty breakup with a guy (who was fat) and emotional stuff happened, which I was not mentally geared for or mature enough to handle. Over the past 8 years, I have put on an additional 90 pounds. My peak was 275 lbs in March 2014. I was hovering around 250-260 in this photo:  Around November of last year, my body launched into a full on revolt. I could not wake up in the morning without throwing up anywhere between a cup 1/2 of bile, just pure bile. I realized I was actually killing myself. I am leaving out a lot of detail for brevity's sake - but I finally got put on the right meds for my mental illness, and it started to be effective around March 2014. So I started actively trying to lose weight again in early May, and I finally have people in my life that I don't want to make them suffer attending my premature funeral because I couldn't stop eating chips. Feeling lovely has been the only real adverse effect I've felt from being obese. Shame, self-hatred, feeling extreme anxiety whenever another person looked my way. I was always pretty mobile - e.g. sitting cross-legged, being able to squat and get back up with relative ease, touching my toes while standing - but the actual feeling of poisoning my body with literal junk was the absolute worst. So now I'm keeping track of my intake and exercising regularly (some cardio, mostly weight lifting) and I'm already down about 15 pounds and it feels good. It feels really good eating food that my body can actually use instead of thinking to itself "Ah poo poo what am I supposed to do with this? Eh just store it with the rest of it I guess...". Not to mention there is a history of diabetes on BOTH sides of my family, and my grandfather was a double amputee and died last year as a result of the various complications that come with diabetes. Like how the smallest cut can turn into a festering infection. I am a cheap rear end in a top hat, and I have finally come to dedicate myself to not spending endless amounts of money on medical procedures when I could just not eat bullshit all day every day. Being obese (I am class 3 I think?) loving SUCKS. Anybody who claims otherwise is definitely a liar, or in their early 20s and boy they do not know what's coming for them. Vyst you are indeed an inspiration - and Twee kudos on helping delusional people see the light, it is a very good thing you're doing. edit: Another really irritating side effect is having piggy fingers. No one can reasonably respect you when you've got goddamned piggy fingers. meataidstheft fucked around with this message at 22:43 on Jul 11, 2014 |
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Jul 11, 2014 22:38
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| # ¿ Apr 28, 2024 12:42 |
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It was actually the threat of gallbladder surgery that lead me to run fast (lol) in the other direction. My sister had it done (she was also morbidly obese, albeit taller and heavier than me) and now she is sick nearly always. She's lost a TON of weight and has pretty decent stamina now, though. It hurts me to see her live like that as a result of her previous weight problems, and I don't want to put her through the same thing. Yeah, my obesity is very much conjoined with my mental health problems - nearly my whole life I've felt so awful inside it showed very plainly on the outside. I was diagnosed with severe depression in my late teens - and have been struggling with it for a long time (I'm 29 now). I also have a black box somewhere buried in my brain that I am still too weak to access which helped me along with not caring for myself. Despite my disgusting appearance I attracted attention from the bad kind of men, so I figured the fatter I am, the less I would have to deal with unwanted advances. Being a mental weakling made it hard for me to stick up for myself when stuff like that would happen, which demolished what little self esteem I had. I've been in and out of therapy, but the only thing that managed to work was my current medication, Cymbalta, which was actually prescribed by my primary care physician rather than a psychologist. I think having my judgement cleared up a bit helped me realize that I don't have to kill myself, slowly or otherwise. So I'm my own coach. Of course the FIB thread is kind of like an angry drill sergeant that has helped more than I thought it was. 5 years ago I would read a thread like that and feel awful about myself. Now, I still feel awful about my previous decisions, but it made me understand that the only way to stop being ashamed is to well, stop acting shamefully. Right now, I am tracking every calorie with "Lose It" which is a free app for my ipod touch. It's super convenient and I'm usually falling ~100 calories short every day. Since I'm so large I was able to get a budget of 1750 calories. I've cut out a lot of simple carbohydrates, like white bread and salty snacks. Luckily I love my dark green vegetables and chicken. I still have a ways to go in terms of getting the right foods into my body, but my philosophy is that I will gain momentum as days pass. I have (or had) an awful habit of taking on projects (art, tech) and becoming overwhelmed. I've seen a lot of people recommend the slow and steady approach so I've been trying to follow that. My health problems have also made it impossible to enjoy lovely food. Anything with a lot of grease or saturated fat will actually make me really sick so in a strange way it's sort of a plus. Three days a week I've been taking a 1 mile/30 minute walk after work, which might seem like some weak poo poo but it's already improved my posture and condition of my legs. I've been wearing 5 lb ankle weights while at work, too. I work in a manufacturing shop and I'm the materials manager so I'm walking around a decent amount, making sure I'm walking faster, and opening lots of heavy boxes of wire and cable, squatting with heavy boxes, etc. When I am sitting, which is about 75% of the day, I just hold my legs out with the weights on them. At home I do dumbbell curls (5 and 10 lb), squats and random cardio videos from youtube (fitness blender seems to make some good ones). I think in a month or so I will actually have a routine down, and would like to try running. At this point I am too fat, or I'm not running properly. My fat pockets bounce really hard and if it hurts I know I won't stick with it. I love lifting though, and my sister has a weight bench at her house so I try to get over there once a week to take advantage of it. I know it sounds childish, but in the past when I used to walk around in my town, I was screamed at a couple times by guys in pickup trucks so I don't feel safe doing that. Those pickup trucks almost always have confederate flags on them, and I don't trust a drunk redneck not to run me over on purpose because I'm not sexy enough for them. (there's that good ole crazy anxiety making up fake scenarios). There's a really great gym that's literally 5 minutes from my job, so I am hoping to somehow work a membership into my monthly budget. Haha however, the fingers are definitely not the worst part of obesity. I think it's the physical discomfort and adult acne. I've heard excess fat fucks with your hormones which can lead to breakouts. Since I've been eating better my skin is a lot clearer so it might just be a coincidence.
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Jul 12, 2014 01:36
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Oh yeah! That is definitely another one - the constant adjusting my clothes. Pull up the straps, pull down the hem, pulling my pants back up after sitting. I do it so much and I know how terrible it looks to other people.
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Jul 12, 2014 01:48
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Twee as gently caress posted:How do you feel about the fat-shaming thread in GBS? Do you read it at all/frequently? Is it a motivation or source of shame or motivation through shame? I know I've answered this question, but truthfully, it's helped me a lot more than it's hurt me. Of course, it is really disheartening to know people want you to DIE because you let your depression and lovely habits get the best of you. But the reality is I know none of those people would actually come up to me in real life and say anything to my face, and the internet is hyperbole. Most of the really angry posters are, in my opinion, just incredibly frustrated because there are so many people who get fat, blame it on society (either for making junk food so readily available or creating 'unrealistic beauty standards'), and refuse to accept the basic scientific fact that their calorie intake is too large for their lifestyle. Because to be honest, the fat activists they post are so very, very insufferable. I actively hate those activists because now doctors and the rest of society regard me as one of them because I am fat - being guilty by association. Kinda going off the point - I think the fat thread is really over the top a lot of the times but it reinforces the need for change in my mind when everyone else in my whole life has done the "Oh, you're not FAT, you're beautiful" Uh how about we compliment other aspects of my personality so I'll have enough self esteem to work on my body? Could help.
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Jul 13, 2014 14:11
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Yeah 30 Goddamned Dicks you're looking good and strong - you are another motivator for me because my basic goal is to be a short person who looks like they could win in a fight with a bear.
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Jul 13, 2014 17:33
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Yeah - soda was the one major component of my most recent weight gain. I switched colleges in 2008 because I hated the one I was attending (Millersville U, PA) - but I started needing to work because I was commuting to my new school. I got a night shift job at a credit card manufacturing company, working all night and going to school during the day. At this point I was maybe 175. I started raiding the vending machines for cola instead of eating for energy, because I was sleeping in 2-4 hour intervals. It wasn't too bad (immediate consequence wise), because the job had some physical aspect to it (loading machines and crawling around those machines to find card the die-cut would fling around). I had to walk to class from the parking areas while lugging a big old portfolio and/or other bags full of art supplies, so there was a little teeny bit of exercise there. Anywho, my job switched to 12 hour rotating shifts, so it was impossible to maintain and I dropped out of school. Then the epic packing on of pounds started. Moral of the story is - soda and other sugary drinks are a killer, really. Now that I've cut them out I find it difficult to get enough calories in the day because I get stuffed when I eat. In addition, have the absolute shittiest sleeping schedule really contributes. I still suffer from insomnia so I need to exercise more so I can get tired. Random question: I've been getting tired after meals (like having to take a nap tired) - that pretty much means I have diabetes right? I'm going to schedule a doctor's appointment next week. Anyway, I'm stupid and it blows.
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Jul 14, 2014 04:11
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Fatkraken posted:I'd really prefer if we let the obese and ex obese people actually answer the question instead of arguing about weight loss On the first question - my place on the obesity spectrum wasn't really surprising to me. I am disappointed in myself for being there at all, but basically I've never not been fat except for the first couple years of my life so I don't have a good feeling to spring back to, only hope. Obviously I take other people's word for it when they say it rules. The FA weirdos keep claiming that being fat is awesome and it objectively is not. So I'm going to believe the percentage of the population that can literally breathe easy. The one thing that does shock me is the way other women my height look at my weight. I have a great confusion about whether or not I look like they do. Because either I am way way bigger than I think (and trust me, I am very aware that I am humongous) OR those people are lying about their weight. If I never saw people bigger than me, I like to think I would still know that I was in hosed up shape. But it helps to strengthen my resolve when I see people who can barely lift their foot of the ground and it makes me upset and really uncomfortable. That's basically why I don't get too upset by normal sized people being uncomfortable or disgusted by me, because I'm twice their size and visibly less mobile so it's just perspective.
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Jul 16, 2014 02:40
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One time I was at an amusement park and I got stuck in a turnstile because I was so wide, then I fell out the other side. True story. But no one laughed loud enough for me to hear it. Or my ears were burning too much with shame.
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Jul 16, 2014 03:45
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Yeah - kudos to anyone who this doesn't apply to - I am certain there are folks who exist that managed to keep themselves in good health despite incredibly pervasive self hatred - I don't think some of you realize how powerful self hatred is. You obviously care about yourself if you are fit. Body dysmorphia aside - you take care of your body because you care. If you've gone your entire life mired in self-hatred it is drat near impossible to climb out of. Especially if you have limited access to medical resources and no support in your life. There are 'economical' options available, but like all things, quality tends to descend along with price. I floated the idea that I was sexually abused to one of my therapists and she actually replied "So?". I could have gone to alcoholism instead, but the only abundant source of distraction in my home growing up was food. If my parents drank it very well could've been alcohol and I would actually be dead by now. So please, recognize the fact that mental illness is legitimate and will drive you to do impossibly stupid things to drown it out. Finding adequate care for your 'brand' of crazy is not as easy as say, finding an ENT doctor. Also don't mistake me, I am not saying it's an excuse for being obese. My decisions were still my decisions, but when you wish you were dead, your longevity is not high up on the list of priorities. If you can't find a single redeeming quality in yourself, and then you get fat, you hate yourself more because of the weakness it displays. meataidstheft fucked around with this message at 02:08 on Jul 17, 2014 |
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Jul 17, 2014 02:06
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Was at the doctor today, found out I've lost a total of 16 pounds in two months which isn't too shabby. My doctor looked so happy when she saw my weigh in it felt awesome to not disappoint her. In other news my resting heart rate is, like, incredibly bad. 89 bpm? loving REALLY? VV I took it while sitting calmly at my computer 
meataidstheft fucked around with this message at 12:21 on Jul 18, 2014 |
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Jul 18, 2014 04:30
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I've been going for walks after work 3 days a week - and have improved my time by 5 minutes (used to be 1 mile = 30 mins, now I'm down to 25). Doing random lifting with my 10 pound dumbbells. Obviously I need more of a routine. I am straight up retarded when it comes to consistency. Like I forget to take my medication every other day. I think it has to do a lot with my sleeping pattern, which isn't so much a pattern as it is... random I guess. I'll sleep for two hours, wake up for 5, sleep for an hour and a half, go to work for 10 hours. You really don't know how bad you've hosed up your life until you're trying to change it back.
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Jul 20, 2014 04:43
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Twee as gently caress posted:For starters, no one cares enough to look at you, we're all busy working on ourselves and don't really have time to be bothered looking at other people more than at glance to know if you're done yet. This is true and not true at the same time. I started up at a new gym today and there was one dude that kept looking at me every time I passed. Did not look away when I caught his glance. It was pretty off-putting. But certainly not something that actually affected my day. Everyone else was really into what they were doing. There was this awesome looking girl doing dead lifts and such. She's my new hero.
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Jul 23, 2014 02:06
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Maybe he'll become my mentor and we can become a crime fighting duo. "The adventures of wheel-crunch man and hippo hips"
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Jul 23, 2014 02:31
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Women's Rights? posted:I had to see value IN ME before any attempt at losing weight would be successful. And since I didn't believe that I had any value for a long time, it didn't matter if I was 100 lbs or 500 lbs. Wow this is exactly what I went through, too. I began thinking "Oh, well, maybe I don't actually DESERVE to die..."
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Jul 26, 2014 01:07
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For those of you who have lost weight, how did you manage hunger? It was actually pretty easy - since my eating habits before hand were always based on boredom/emotion and not actual hunger. I am still in the process of losing weight, obviously, but now I drink water to quell hunger, since that's usually what the problem is to begin with (lack of hydration). I still very seldom get hungry on any kind of intense basis, which is kind of weird. Usually I have other more pressing sources of discomfort (headaches almost 90% of the time). Has hunger always been at the same intensity or has it eased as you've lost weight/hit plateaus? It's roughly the same intensity as before but I find it much easier to ignore after having shed some pounds. It's like having a cat that just meows all night, ignore it or it will end up controlling you.
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Jul 30, 2014 04:36
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Rhymenoserous posted:a deathfat woman was stuffing the bagel into her face. What the gently caress?? How did she not get fired by that boss for stealing his loving food? What a crazy bitch. Sorry for all the profanity I find that behavior abhorrent. Even at my fattest, most food obsessed stages, I was always mindful not to take more than my fair share of anything. I often took less because I knew the fit people could "handle" the excess calories. Were these only children, not taught to share a drat thing? (I am not suggesting all 'only-child' people would be like this at all)
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Jul 31, 2014 00:08
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Not trying to sound aggressive - but how old are you? If you're below 25, that's probably why you're not feeling the hurt yet. What are the mental issues if you don't mind my asking? If you're feeling discouraged, look at all the amazing people who lost weight! That's what I do. There have been people who kicked depression right in the rear end and took back the wheel (to use an entirely too cheesy metaphor).
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Aug 1, 2014 03:53
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Some people who suffer from depression have a distinctly difficult time with "future thinking" that's actually bound to reality. So eating "right now" is more realistic to them than being healthy in the future. It's possible things have happened to your brother that you don't know about. Or depression affects you differently, you might have a stronger sense of control over yourself, despite your mental health issues, than he does. Did your brother go through any therapy? That there might be the difference between the two of you. Hope he gets better. edit: To answer one of your questions - I was never happy when I ate food, at least during the time I remember. I may have gotten joy out of it as a youngster but being older it was always pretty much like a stupid form of self-flagellation. Most of the poo poo I would eat would be legitimately disgusting to me (tasting the sodium content, the sugar put in place of actual flavor, etc) but I didn't think I deserved better so I kept eating that poo poo. I get way more enjoyment out of eating 5 cups of Romaine with chicken, carrots and cucumbers than I ever got eating chips. I think somewhere in the back of my head I know I can use the former as fuel to do fun things, instead of a way to assuage my anxieties. I've always had IBS (thanks mom for smoking when you were pregnant, really appreciate it) so eating like poo poo would make me feel so awful I'm pretty sure it contributed to like 75% of my depression. meataidstheft fucked around with this message at 05:37 on Aug 2, 2014 |
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Aug 2, 2014 05:32
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| # ¿ Apr 28, 2024 12:42 |
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Good on you ya handsome bastard!
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Aug 8, 2014 02:43
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