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Bard Maddox
Feb 15, 2012

I'm just a sick guy, I'm really just a dirty guy.


SHOULD YOU WATCH THIS EVENT?



Yeah, I think so! It’s got some really fun-looking matches from top to bottom and only one of them seems beaten to death. That’s a positive! This event gets Daniel Bryan chanting yes because that’s the gimmick of these things.

Welcome to Tampa, Florida for the second annual Battleground pay-per-view! Last year was a steaming pile of turds with one shining bright spot in it. This year’s looks better! There’s currently seven matches scheduled for the main card, with one on the preshow. Here they are!



Funk is no longer on a roll. After weeks of implied strife between the only living, breathing, romping, stomping Funkadactyls in existence, they finally snapped two weeks ago after losing a match on Raw. Now they’re fighting! On the preshow! Very important and lucrative!



I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news! Several weeks ago, courageous and important American hero Jack Swagger attacked American enemy Bad News Barrett and separated his shoulder in a trillion pieces, meaning that he had to vacate his Intercontinental Championship. So now there’s a battle royale to determine who will win the championship. Apparently Barrett will hand it over, and give the winner an elbow with his broken arm, fail and we can all laugh at him. Also Sheamus is there.



After losing the longest-reigning Diva’s Championship reign of all time, AJ Lee went away for a while, and only returning to fight the woman who took it away from her, Paige. Paige lost the title in a way that mirrored how she won it, to a fluke move in a disappointingly short amount of time. Now, manybe, finally, the third time will be the charm in terms of finally seeing what these two are made of as opponents. Divas ring time has been steadily increasing over time. Will they get more than ten minutes? Or will they screw up some moves into a lackluster finish?



Hey, it’s this match again! Only it’s a 2-out-of-3 falls match, so it’s like you’re getting three matches for the price of one!!!



Since returning several weeks ago, Chris Jericho has been hounded by the Wyatt Family because they are backwards hillbillies stuck in the 1960’s and only listen to Hank Williams and not this nu-metal stuff. Bray Wyatt calls Jericho a false prophet or something like it because that’s what he does to everybody. Chris Jericho told Bray to please shut the hell up because he’s very polite. This match will never ever happen agayn until at SummerSlam… agayn.



Quite possibly the hottest feud in terms of crowd support in the WWE today, Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter have finally stepped up to the plate to advocate for America and champion its cause against a guy who thinks America sucks the big one. The crowd has immediately taken to Swagger’s face turn, happily shouting WE THE PEOPLE and chanting USA and booing Rusev out of the building. Jack Swagger is ready to fight for America and make sure that we will be the true winners. Rusev and Russia may have bombed a plane out of the sky. Oops!

U S A U S A U S A U S A U S A U S A U S A U S A



Here’s the firework factory. Since breaking up the Shield after Payback, former friends Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins because quicker enemies. Dean took the breakup personally, jumping Rollins at every opportunity that he had and becoming a thorn in the side for the Authority. They came to blows last month at Money in the Bank, but in the end another assist from the Authority earned Rollins the guaranteed title shot in the Money in the Bank briefcase. Since then, Ambrose has called the briefcase TNT and vowed to never let Rollins ever be the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, breaking up several cash-in attempts. Now they’ll have a match and it will be good! Wrestling!



Let’s run it down:

-The Authority thinks the new champion is not best for business
-Roman Reigns made Stephanie McMahon poo poo and vomit all over herself and still got a title shot
-Randy Orton. I like him.
-Kane is really good and can summon fire at will… good for a FATAL four way match
-Daniel Bryan is a weak-rear end loser with a broke fuckin neck
-John Cena

----

Make your picks in the prediction game and on fourdown or whatever.

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Valeyard
Mar 30, 2012

I am become Death.


There is no way it can be worse than last year; right?

Asmodai_00
Nov 26, 2007



i believe in jhon cena

Luigi Thirty
Apr 30, 2006

Emergency confection port.


I'm going so I can see John Cena's victory in person who else is going

Valeyard
Mar 30, 2012

I am become Death.


Asmodai_00 posted:

i believe in jhon cena


Luigi Thirty posted:

I'm going so I can see John Cena's victory in person who else is going

I would like to lend my support to one: John Cena.

Gonzo McFee
Jun 19, 2010

Your voice may have changed but your breath is still the same.

My goodness, Hot Stuff!


Valeyard posted:

There is no way it can be worse than last year; right?

I can't remember last years, so no.

Dexo
Aug 15, 2009

Oliver
Olivia, I only fuck Bears on Sundays


Can't wait for

xNarUtoRKOrton420x
Jul 12, 2010

I'll go to the funny papers if I have to!


Girl Bye Funkadactyls, can't wait for the Cameron push.

Seriously this card looks really good, and I have the day off tomorrow. Tonight is going to rule.

Valeyard
Mar 30, 2012

I am become Death.


The Ryback will surely win the battle royale

Striking Yak
Dec 31, 2012


What's the over/under on Network subscriptions cancelled by irate PSPers because of the results of this show?

oatgan
Jan 15, 2009

what's up


rusev matchka

Frankston
Jul 27, 2010



john cena

Roman Reigns
Aug 23, 2007



I know this isn't one of the "big" PPVs like Royal Rumble or Summerslam, but I am legit interested in most of the matches here. And I have no idea who will win the battle royal, too.

Le Saboteur
Dec 5, 2007


Going to be interesting to see how WWE handles the Rusev/Swagger storyline now.

Dexo
Aug 15, 2009

Oliver
Olivia, I only fuck Bears on Sundays


Le Saboteur posted:

Going to be interesting to see how WWE handles the Rusev/Swagger storyline now.

They either double down, or have Swagger squash him and Rusev disappears for a bit while poo poo cools down.

That DICK!
Sep 28, 2010


Damien Sandow was robbed

Kifisonfire
Jan 15, 2008



Le Saboteur posted:

Going to be interesting to see how WWE handles the Rusev/Swagger storyline now.
he'll be buried faster than the evidence of that crash.

Bigass Moth
Mar 6, 2004



My wife is very sad about the funkadactlys breakup because it has reprecussions for Total Divas.

Kirios
Jan 25, 2010

Few Head Coaches have ever granted the Fifth Freedom. It's the right to defend our team, by attacking it. To safeguard our wins, by losing them. To save seasons, by tanking them. To do whatever it takes to protect our team. The Fifth Freedom is mine alone. I am Case Keenum. I am a Splinter-back.


Wait

There's a WWE PPV tonight?

Frankston
Jul 27, 2010



This is going to be me when john cena wins tonight

StarkRavingMad
Sep 27, 2001


Kirios posted:

Wait

There's a WWE PPV tonight?

WWE BATTLEGROUND AVAILABLE ON THE WWE NETWORK OR FROM YOUR LOCAL CABLE PROVIDER MAGGLE

Valeyard
Mar 30, 2012

I am become Death.


If Roman Reigns leaves as WWE champ tonight I won't post in PSP till Summerslam

Leggsy
Apr 30, 2008


Kirios posted:

Wait

There's a WWE PPV tonight?

No, but there's a WWE Special Event™ available for the low price of 9 dollars and 99 cents on the WWE Network™. Order now and use shop code PREBOGO to get 10% off the shipping of your next John Cena™ t-shirt.

Just subscribe please! Please god, Vince has my children.

xNarUtoRKOrton420x
Jul 12, 2010

I'll go to the funny papers if I have to!


Kifisonfire posted:

he'll be buried faster than the evidence of that crash.

Rusev will disappear back to NXT with a dancing gimmick while Lana admits she's american and joins the Exotic Express.

Or more likely they knuckle down and really go full awkward with Rusev.

21 Hoot Salute
Feb 8, 2005

moving clouds

Show has some really fun matches, I think the crowd could either make or break this based on reactions

Pumped as poo poo for Ambrose vs Rollins

GenericMartini
Oct 22, 2012

Roman then tapped your shoulder and you opened your eyes.

"Sorry about that, they can be crazy."

"I bet." Although it was nice to get a glimpse of Seth and Dean, you wished you could also get a peek at Roman's package

I'm going to miss this because of lovely work. Hope it's good on the replay.

Big Coffin Hunter
Aug 13, 2005



You know how the network has played previous Money in the Bank PPVs before this years MitB, previous Extreme Rules before this years', ect. to try and hype up the PPV later? Well they're going to keep that hype train rolling and play Battleground 2013 before this one starts!

Answers Me
Apr 24, 2012


I don't like this PPV name because I'm still pissed from last year that 'Battleground' didn't turn out to be the name of an awesome new clusterfuck gimmick match

xNarUtoRKOrton420x
Jul 12, 2010

I'll go to the funny papers if I have to!


21 Hoot Salute posted:

Show has some really fun matches, I think the crowd could either make or break this based on reactions

On crowd reactions it's taking place in Tampa, Florida aka the home of NXT.

With that in mind I imagine the crowd is going to be pretty hot.

Valeyard
Mar 30, 2012

I am become Death.


xNarUtoRKOrton420x posted:

On crowd reactions it's taking place in Tampa, Florida aka the home of NXT.

With that in mind I imagine the crowd is going to be pretty hot.

The NXT crowd might be hot, but it's also really bad. So hopefully they are a vocal minority tonight

Blasmeister
Jan 15, 2012

"You little bastards are becoming unBEARable!!"


Valeyard posted:

If Roman Reigns leaves as WWE champ tonight I won't post in PSP till Summerslam

Might as well make it next year's Summerslam with those odds

Call Me Charlie
Dec 3, 2005

They say I'm a madman...
But I'm not mad
at anybody

Honest, I'm not.


Can't wait for another decent but ultimately pointless PPV.

Gatts
Jan 2, 2001



I'm waving my tiny little flags. Woo.

paint dry
Feb 8, 2005


I'll record this if it's on Sky Sports 1, skip it if it's on Sky Box Office.

Aurain
Mar 7, 2013


paint dry posted:

I'll record this if it's on Sky Sports 1, skip it if it's on Sky Box Office.

It's Box Office.

Rollins vs Ambrose will own, but meh to everything else.

Le Saboteur
Dec 5, 2007


I feel like they're going to at least try to go all out with this PPV as this is the re subscription month for tons of people using the WWE Network.

HOTLANTA MAN
Jul 4, 2010


We just had a kid so I don't want his first real life experience to be sitting in front of a boring-rear end PPV.

That and Ambrose would probably turn him into a smoker.

ThNextGreenLantern
Feb 13, 2012


I'm trying to think of who to cheer on for the Battle Royale, but I think I'm more excited to see the match itself than who wins. I'd really like Kofi to win, but I know better at this point. Well, might as well cheer for Slater.

bradzilla
Oct 15, 2004



ThNextGreenLantern posted:

I'm trying to think of who to cheer on for the Battle Royale, but I think I'm more excited to see the match itself than who wins. I'd really like Kofi to win, but I know better at this point. Well, might as well cheer for Slater.

Whoever wins..... actually loses.

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ayn rand hand job
Sep 10, 2008

   'Cause she's so high
      High above me,
       she's so lovely
           
     - Everclear


I want Sandow to win

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