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SirEvelynTremble
Dec 25, 2013

FUCK YOU HITLER
STALINGRAD
ROFLMFAO
I thought of these :

*Gives mom a neck rub and breaks her spine

*Lois gives him a blowjob and when Clark cums he ejaculates the back of her head off

*In the line at the post office he accidentally uses laser eyes instead of x-ray vision while eyeing up a big breasted woman and ends up giving her a mastectomy

*Smoking a communal bong with the guys from work, each person having their own pipe connected to the bowl, Clark takes a big hit and sucks the air out of everyone else's lungs

*Refereeing at Junior League in Smallville Clark flips a coin to see which team starts first and downs a Malaysian Airplane



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Zedsdeadbaby
Jun 14, 2008

You have been called out, in the ways of old.
wat

Chuck Tanner
Nov 10, 2012

by Lowtax
so zany!

big duck equals goose
Nov 7, 2006

by XyloJW
I think superman always had control of his strength and never really had problems like that, like he could wrestle a dude on the street and not break all of his bones and utterly implode him or something. Like, you know in the comics where he stops a bank robbery and punches a guy?

Although, on the other hand, if I remember they said he couldn't control his strength during a bone zone session, so in the comic him and supergirl do a mid-air gently caress tornado or something retarded, which makes no sense because obviously Clark had sex with Louis lane like five thousand times


It's all pretty loving wonky and I think DC really needs to clear this issue up once and for all.

Das Boo
Jun 9, 2011

There was a GHOST here.
It's gone now.
Clark oval office.

Junior G-man
Sep 15, 2004

Wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma


*makes this exact thread

Kilmers Elbow
Jun 15, 2012

Clark Kent is dead. Clark Kent remains dead. And we have killed him.

BENGHAZI 2
Oct 13, 2007

by Cyrano4747

big duck equals goose posted:

I think superman always had control of his strength and never really had problems like that, like he could wrestle a dude on the street and not break all of his bones and utterly implode him or something. Like, you know in the comics where he stops a bank robbery and punches a guy?

Although, on the other hand, if I remember they said he couldn't control his strength during a bone zone session, so in the comic him and supergirl do a mid-air gently caress tornado or something retarded, which makes no sense because obviously Clark had sex with Louis lane like five thousand times


It's all pretty loving wonky and I think DC really needs to clear this issue up once and for all.

dude thats gross supergirl is his cousin

King of Internet
Nov 16, 2013

High King Internet of Internet
*attempts to vote thread 1, destroys universe*

Stick Figure Mafia
Dec 11, 2004

Wait... Clark Kent had superpowers?!

Effectronica
May 31, 2011
Fallen Rib

Literally The Worst posted:

dude thats gross supergirl is his cousin



thank goodness superman abides by the laws of krypton, and not of new york state

Decebal
Jan 6, 2010

Literally The Worst posted:

dude thats gross supergirl is his cousin

maybe he's from the Middle Eastern part of Krypton

big duck equals goose
Nov 7, 2006

by XyloJW


something like that but they mid-air gently caress

Nckdictator
Sep 8, 2006
Just..someone
Things of the form (*text*) are footnotes in the original text.

He's faster than a speeding bullet. He's more powerful than a locomotive. He's able to leap tall buildings at a single bound. Why can't he get a girl?

At the ripe old age of thirty-one (*Superman first appeared in Action Comics, June 1938*), Kal-El (alias Superman, alias Clark Kent) is still unmarried. Almost certainly he is still a virgin. This is a serious matter. The species itself is in danger!

An unwed Superman is a mobile Superman. Thus it has been alleged that those who chronicle the Man of Steel's adventures are responsible for his condition. But the cartoonists are not to blame.

Nor is Superman handicapped by psychological problems.

Granted that the poor oaf is not entirely sane. How could he be? He is an orphan, a refugee, and an alien. His homeland no longer exists in any form, save for gigatons upon gigatons of dangerous, prettily colored rocks.

As a child and young adult, Kal-El must have been hard put to find an adequate father-figure. What human could control his antisocial behavior? What human would dare try to punish him? His actual, highly social behavior during this period indicates an inhuman self-restraint.

What wonder if Superman drifted gradually into schizophrenia? Torn between his human and kryptonian identities, he chose to be both, keeping his split personalities rigidly separate. A psychotic desperation is evident in his defense of his "secret identity."

But Superman's sex problems are strictly physiological, and quite real.

The purpose of this article is to point out some medical drawbacks to being a kryptonian among human beings, and to suggest possible solutions. The kryptonian humanoid must not be allowed to go the way of the pterodactyl and the passenger pigeon.

I

What turns on a kryptonian?

Superman is an alien, an extraterrestrial. His humanoid frame is doubtless the result of parallel evolution, as the marsupials of Australia resemble their mammalian counterparts. A specific niche in the ecology calls for a certain shape, a certain size, certain capabilities, certain eating habits.

Be not deceived by appearances. Superman is no relative to homo sapiens.

What arouses Kal-El's mating urge? Did kryptonian women carry some subtle mating cue at appropriate times of the year? Whatever it is, Lois Lane probably didn't have it. We may speculate that she smells wrong, less like a kryptonian woman than like a terrestrial monkey. A mating between Superman and Lois Lane would feel like sodomy-and would be, of course, by church and common law.

II

Assume a mating between Superman and a human woman designated LL for convenience.

Either Superman has gone completely schizo and believes himself to be Clark Kent; or he knows what he's doing, but no longer gives a drat. Thirty-one years is a long time. For Superman it has been even longer. He has X-ray vision; he knows just what he's missing. (*One should not think of Superman as a Peeping Tom. A biological ability must be used. As a child Superman may never have known that things had surfaces, until he learned to suppress his X-ray vision. If millions of people tend shamelessly to wear clothing with no lead in the weave, that is hardly Superman's fault.*)

The problem is this. Electroencephalograms taken of men and women during sexual intercourse show that orgasm resembles "a kind of pleasurable epileptic attack." One loses control over one's muscles.

Superman has been known to leave his fingerprints in steel and in hardened concrete, accidentally. What would he do to the woman in his arms during what amounts to an epileptic fit?

III

Consider the driving urge between a man and a woman, the monomaniacal urge to achieve greater and greater penetration. Remember also that we are dealing with kryptonian muscles.

Superman would literally crush LL's body in his arms, while simultaneously ripping her open from crotch to sternum, gutting her like a trout.

IV

Lastly, he'd blow off the top of her head.

Ejaculation of semen is entirely involuntary in the human male, and in all other forms of terrestrial life. It would be unreasonable to assume otherwise for a kryptonian. But with kryptonian muscles behind it, Kal-El's semen would emerge with the muzzle velocity of a machine gun bullet. (*One can imagine that the Kent home in Smallville was riddled with holes during Superboy's puberty. And why did Lana Lang never notice that?*)

In view of the foregoing, normal sex is impossible between LL and Superman.

Artificial insemination may give us better results.

V

First we must collect the semen. The globules will emerge at transsonic speeds. Superman must first ejaculate, then fly frantically after the stuff to catch it in a test tube. We assume that he is on the Moon, both for privacy and to prevent the semen from exploding into vapor on hitting the air at such speeds.

He can catch the semen, of course, before it evaporates in vacuum. He's faster than a speeding bullet.

But can he keep it?

All known forms of kryptonian life have superpowers. The same must hold true of living kryptonian sperm. We may reasonably assume that kryptonian sperm are vulnerable only to starvation and to green kryptonite; that they can travel with equal ease through water, air, vacuum, glass, brick, boiling steel, solid steel, liquid helium, or the core of a star; and that they are capable of translight velocities.

What kind of a test tube will hold such beasties?

Kryptonian sperm and their unusual powers will give us further trouble. For the moment we will assume (because we must) that they tend to stay in the seminal fluid, which tends to stay in a simple glass tube. Thus Superman and LL can perform artificial insemination.

At least there will be another generation of kryptonians.

Or will there?

VI

A ripened but unfertilized egg leaves LL's ovary, begins its voyage down her Fallopian tube.

Some time later, tens of millions of sperm, released from a test tube, begin their own voyage up LL's Fallopian tube.

The magic moment approaches...

Can human breed with kryptonian? Do we even use the same genetic code? On the face of it, LL could more easily breed with an ear of corn than with Kal-El. But coincidence does happen. If the genes match...

One sperm arrives before the others. It penetrates the egg, forms a lump on it's surface, the cell wall now thickens to prevent other sperm From entering. Within the now-fertilized egg, changes take place...

And ten million kryptonian sperm arrive slightly late.

Were they human sperm, they would be out of luck. But these tiny blind things are more powerful than a locomotive. A thickened cell wall won't stop them. They will *all* enter the egg, obliterating it entirely in an orgy of microscopic gang rape. So much for artificial insemination.

But LL's problems are just beginning.

VII

Within her body there are still tens of millions of frustrated kryptonian sperm. The single egg is now too diffuse to be a target. The sperm scatter.

They scatter without regard to what is in their path. They leave curved channels, microscopically small. Presently all will have found their way to the open air.

That leaves LL with several million microscopic perforations all leading deep into her abdomen. Most of the channels will intersect one or more loops of intestine.

Peritonitis is inevitable. LL becomes desperately ill.

Meanwhile, tens of millions of sperm swarm in the air over Metropolis.

VIII

This is more serious than it looks.

Consider: these sperm are virtually indestructible. Within days or weeks they will die for lack of nourishment. Meanwhile they cannot be affected by heat, cold, vacuum, toxins, or anything short of green kryptonite. (*And other forms of kryptonite. For instance, there are chunks of red kryptonite that make giants of kryptonians. Imagine ten million earthworm size spermatozoa swarming over a Metropolis beach, diving to fertilize the beach balls... but I digress.*) There they are, minuscule but dangerous; for each has supernormal powers.

Metropolis is shaken by tiny sonic booms. Wormholes, charred by meteoric heat, sprout magically in all kinds of things: plate glass, masonry, antique ceramics, electric mixers, wood, household pets, and citizens. Some of the sperm will crack lightspeed. The Metropolis night comes alive with a network of narrow, eerie blue lines of Cherenkov radiation.

And women whom Superman has never met find themselves in a delicate condition.

Consider: LL won't get pregnant because there were too many of the blind mindless beasts. But whenever one sperm approaches an unfertilized human egg in its panic flight, it will attack.

How close is close enough? A few centimeters? Are sperm attracted by chemical cues? It seems likely. Metropolis had a population of millions; and kryptonian sperm could travel a long and crooked path, billions of miles, before it gives up and dies.

Several thousand blessed events seem not unlikely. (*If the pubescent Superboy plays with himself, we have the same problem over Smallville.*)

Several thousand lawsuits would follow. Not that Superman can't afford to pay. There's a trick where you squeeze a lump of coal into its allotropic diamond form...

IX

The above analysis gives us part of the answer. In our experiment in artificial insemination, we must use a single sperm. This presents no difficulty. Superman may use his microscopic vision and a pair of tiny tweezers to pluck a sperm from the swarm.

X

In its eagerness the single sperm may crash through LL's abdomen at transsonic speeds, wreaking havoc. Is there any way to slow it down?

There is. We can expose it to gold kryptonite.

Gold kryptonite, we remember, robs a kryptonian of all of his supernormal powers, permanently. Were we to expose Superman himself to gold kryptonite, we would solve all his sex problems, but he would be Clark Kent forever. We may regard this solution as somewhat drastic.

But we can expose the test tube of seminal fluid to gold kryptonite, then use standard techniques for artificial insemination.

By any of these methods we can get LL pregnant, without killing her. Are we out of the woods yet?

XI

Though exposed to gold kryptonite, the sperm still carries kryptonian genes. If these are recessive, then LL carries a developing human foetus. There will be no more Supermen; but at least we need not worry about the mother's health.

But if some or all of the kryptonian genes are dominant...

Can the infant use his X-ray vision before birth? After all, with such a power he can probably see through his own closed eyelids. That would leave LL sterile. If the kid starts using heat vision, things get even worse.

But when he starts to kick, it's all over. He will kick his way out into open air, killing himself and his mother.

XII

Is there a solution?

There are several. Each has drawbacks.

We can make LL wear a kryptonite (*For our purposes, all forms of kryptonite are available in unlimited quantities. It has been estimated, from the startling tonnage of kryptonite fallen to Earth since the explosion of Krypton, that the planet must have outweighed our entire solar system. Doubtless the "planet" Krypton was a cooling black dwarf star, one of a binary pair, the other member being a red giant.*) belt around her waist. But too little kryptonite may allow the child to damage her, while too much may damage or kill the child. Intermediate amounts may do both! And there is no safe way to experiment.

A better solution is to find a host-mother.

We have not yet considered the existence of a Supergirl. (*She can't mate with Superman because she's his first cousin. And only a cad would suggest differently.*) She could carry the child without harm. But Supergirl has a secret identity, and her secret identity is no more married than Supergirl herself. If she turned up pregnant, she would probably be thrown out of school.

A better solution may be to implant the growing foetus in Superman himself. There are places in a man's abdomen where a foetus could draw adequate nourishment, growing as a parasite, and where it would not cause undue harm to surrounding organs. Presumably Clark Kent can take a leave of absence more easily than Supergirl's schoolgirl alter ego.

When the time comes, the child would be removed by Caesarian section. It would have to be removed early, but there would be no problem with incubators as long as it was fed. I leave the problem of cutting through Superman's invulnerable skin as an exercise for the alert reader.

The mind boggles at the image of a pregnant Superman cruising the skies of Metropolis. Batman would refuse to be seen with him; strange new jokes would circulate the prisons...and the race of Krypton would be safe at last.

Effectronica
May 31, 2011
Fallen Rib
dear christ, why hasn't larry niven died yet?

TOILETLORD
Nov 13, 2012

by XyloJW

Literally The Worst posted:

dude thats gross supergirl is his cousin

people didn't use to care, apparently my great grand parents were first cousins, and got married when they were 13 and 14. Never live in a small town.

lonesomedwarf
Mar 22, 2010

poop ppoooooooop

Harald
Jul 10, 2009

LINKIN PARK


wasn't there like a special power they made up so superman could bend a gun without breaking the arms of the guy holding it?

he probably has a bunch of other powers like that to handle everyday life

Decebal
Jan 6, 2010
Clark tries a burrito from the lunch truck - his subsequent sharting is like a frag grenade

TOILETLORD
Nov 13, 2012

by XyloJW

Copley Depot posted:

wasn't there like a special power they made up so superman could bend a gun without breaking the arms of the guy holding it?

he probably has a bunch of other powers like that to handle everyday life

Superman is probably just a dude that lives in a alley doing drugs, and all we see are his fantasy's. Batman is really a racoon.

Effectronica
May 31, 2011
Fallen Rib
clark tries to play a friendly prank on perry with his heat vision, ends up accidentally cutting the power

Action Tortoise
Feb 18, 2012

A wolf howls.
I know how he feels.
ITT we are Brodie Bruce

Luvcow
Jul 1, 2007

One day nearer spring
I'm gonna assume that superman's DNA isn't compatible with human DNA and who even knows if they procreate the same way. I never read superman comics and only really saw the Christopher Reeve movies. Richard Pryor played a key role in one of those films. Makes you think.

les fleurs du mall
Jun 30, 2014

by LadyAmbien
*buys a McDonald's meal with a coca cola while wearing nike sneakers* get it?

TacticalUrbanHomo
Aug 17, 2011

by Lowtax
how does superman pick up things much larger than himself without them crumbling to pieces

Zanzibar Ham
Mar 17, 2009

You giving me the cold shoulder? How cruel.


Grimey Drawer
If the flap of a butterfly's wings can create a hurricane somewhere, then any time Clark takes a walk a star somewhere goes supernova.

Doctor Dogballs
Apr 1, 2007

driving the fuck truck from hand land to pound town without stopping at suction station


superman tried to imitate goatse, ripped himself in half butt-first

Tiler Kiwi
Feb 26, 2011

TacticalUrbanHomo posted:

how does superman pick up things much larger than himself without them crumbling to pieces

dont ask these questions because there are answers and holy poo poo they are retarded

1001 Arabian dicks
Sep 16, 2013

EVE ONLINE IS MY ENTIRE PERSONALITY BECAUSE IM A FRIENDLESS SEMILITERATE LOSER WHO WILL PEDANTICALLY DEMAND PROOF FOR BASIC THINGS LIKE GRAVITY OR THE EXISTENCE OF SELF. ASK ME ABOUT CHEATING AT TARKOV BECAUSE, WELL, SEE ABOVE
.. .----. -- / --. .- -.--

SirDan3k
Jan 6, 2001

Trust me, you are taking this a lot more seriously then I am.

Tiler Kiwi posted:

dont ask these questions because there are answers and holy poo poo they are retarded

He extends a bio-electric field around the objects he caries, it's also why nobody he catches just splats against him.

Thor flies by throwing his hammer and holding onto it.

1001 Arabian dicks
Sep 16, 2013

EVE ONLINE IS MY ENTIRE PERSONALITY BECAUSE IM A FRIENDLESS SEMILITERATE LOSER WHO WILL PEDANTICALLY DEMAND PROOF FOR BASIC THINGS LIKE GRAVITY OR THE EXISTENCE OF SELF. ASK ME ABOUT CHEATING AT TARKOV BECAUSE, WELL, SEE ABOVE

SirDan3k posted:

He extends a bio-electric field around the objects he caries, it's also why nobody he catches just splats against him.

Thor flies by throwing his hammer and holding onto it.

But I always thought mjolnir wasn't actually heavy, it just didn't let people who were unworthy pick it up, and it did that by making it really heavy.

Disgusting Coward
Feb 17, 2014
Superman's indestructible so any skin or hair he sheds will also be indestructible so basically if you're near him for any length of time you're going to be breathing in loads of that poo poo and it'll clog your system and you'll die.


Lois Lane has emphysema.

redshirt
Aug 11, 2007

Reporting for shovel mission Sir.
Clark was clipping his fingernails and a shard flew off and killed Pa Kent.

Buck Turgidson
Feb 6, 2011

𓀬𓀠𓀟𓀡𓀢𓀣𓀤𓀥𓀞𓀬
Superman passes GO at translight velocities, generating so much heat that the Monopoly board explodes, killing everyone in a shower of molten hotels, top hats and racecars

Pochoclo
Feb 4, 2008

No...
Clapping Larry
Clark Kent watches anime so hard, everyone in the world suddenly turns into a wheezing nerd.

Clark Kent mines a bitcoin... free market capitalism implodes under its own weight.

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Calvin Johnson Jr.
Dec 8, 2009

SirEvelynTremble posted:

Lois gives him a blowjob and when Clark cums he ejaculates the back of her head off

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