Colonel Wood posted:

Drilldo, our date will start out with a couple of really nice drinks. I have an old fashioned, you get a rye manhattan. We have dinner, we order a couple of appetizers: seared foie gras and the pancetta crepe. I get the pork roast, you get the duck. We have a few glasses of a really good, earthy Cabernet. End it with dessert: panna cotta. We decide to walk off that amazing dinner in the park, holding hands. I point out a really funny rock shaped like a penis. We walk over and get closer. I tell you to squat next to the rock for a picture. I playfully push you over and you fall on your butt. We laugh. I pick up the rock, I start making funny gestures with it. You're cracking up at this point, rolling around on the ground with tears in your eyes. I stand over you, smiling. I grip the rock with both hands. I drive it down with all my force into your face. Your nose and upper mandible break. You let out a scream, gurgling as the blood fills your mouth. I bring the rock down again, smashing your orbital bone and blinding you in one eye. You realize in horror what is happening. I continue to smash you in the head with the rock, over and over again until nothing is left of your skull but a pink slurry dotted with brain matter. I drag your body up out of sight. I bury it up on the hill, in some rocky soil deep enough so the animals don't get it. I clean off and return to my car. I am unable to contain myself. I furiously masturbate.

The perfect first date