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Agent Tough Juice
May 21, 2007

People! I'd like to say a couple words for you: If you have a dream in your life... go head! It's a possible! Go head! I can do that!


UFC 151: Jones vs. Henderson
PPV (5 fights), FX (4 fights), Facebook (2 fights)

When: September 1, 2012
Where: Mandalay Bay Events Center in Las Vegas, Nevada
Chat: #MMA on synIRC



In light of UFC 176's cancelation, it's time to revisit UFC 151, Zuffa's first lost card. Dan Henderson was riding a wave of Strikeforce glory at the time and had earned a title shot against Light Heavyweight Champ Jon Jones after a brutal battle with Shogun Rua. At that point, Jones had already defended his belt three times, beating four straight former champs in a row.

The fight never happened of course, because Hendo's knee subsequently sabotaged everything. Chael Sonnen valiently stepped up to save the card at the last minute, but the cowardly Bones Jones refused to fight him, forcing Dana White to off the card entirely.

Unknown until now is that the UFC cobbled together several different plans to save the card. Joe Silva did his best to make the fights below, but it never came together.









By Agent Tough Juice (Age 28)

First day of September, a card so superb.
Cooked by an injury and well-seasoned herb.
It would've, it could've, it should've been done,
But the UFC had no One Fifty-One.

But what if, somehow, in an alternate world,
A happier narrative really unfurled?
What if instead of an angry bald boss man,
We got Sonnen, Siver, Johnson, and Ball Man?

Too bad we can't see this event so ideal?
Well hold onto your Jakes; This world, it's for real!
Just recite a bad piece by Franklin McNeil,
Stamp your feet, clench your fists, and hook up a heel.

Then gather some things from a magical list
(No doubt for conditions that all preexist).
TRT, horse meat, and drugs to make babies,
Mix all in a pot and POOF! You've got rabies!

Now in your delirium peer through the clouds,
It's proud Chael Sonnen, now fully endowed!
Jon Jones is crying cause he's thoroughly beat
And too sad to send out a gay-bashing tweet.

We've got the full rundown so don't you dare skim,
But before that tale's told, let's check the prelims:

Charlie by hairball,
Roller by wrestle,
Daron by Crook Shank,
Tim Means slayed Abel.

Takeya: decision,
The Menace: decision,
John L. by decision,
Ball Man: circumcision.

Ellen by scissoring, Siver by gassing.
Undercard wrapped, expectations surpassing.

The stage was set for an epic collision,
They worried aloud would cause nuclear fission.
They held it in Vegas (thus sparing Japan),
The man with the belt versus Dangerous Dan.

But when Bruce made his entrance onto the stage,
The tears in his eyes blurred the words on the page.
"Dan didn't make it," Buffer stuttered and wept.
"We need a new fighter, won't someone accept?"

It looked quite a lot like the fight would be purged,
But then the crowd parted and one man emerged.
Could it be a hero from some bygone age?
No, twas Chael P. Sonnen who walked to the cage.

The Gangster from West Linn, the bad guy supreme.
The fans rubbed their eyes, but it wasn't a dream.
He strode through the gate, his intentions were clear.
The pride of Oregon was here to kick rear.

Brazilians swooned while the Americans cheered.
But just moments later, the mood disappeared.
A chill took the stadium, something was wrong.
It felt just like someone had shattered a bong.

A palanquin entered, twas carried by six,
And someone inside hit the bearers with sticks.
Then slowly the curtains were both pushed aside,
And two scrawny chicken legs poked out the side.

The Snowball King dropped to all fours on the floor.
He saw his opponent and let out a roar.
The last second change had him royally ticked.
This wasn't the fighter that he had handpicked.

The referee motioned that they should begin,
But Bones wanted nothing to do with West Linn.
He tightened his belt and he turned on his heel.
"I'd rather go drunk drive my automobile."

"Dana has dubbed me young Alfred Molina,"
Chael's Mexican brogue boomed through the arena.
"The roster's too big and I've got the pink slips."
"White threw me the Idol to thoroughly whip."

And so just like that he burst Bones Jones' bubble,
Loaded his back foot then blasted a double.
Bones had been ready but couldn't defend it.
Back hit the ground like a right-hand-felled TUF Brit.

It didn't take long til Bones managed to stand.
He doled out the violence we know as his brand.
A flurry of elbows and kicks to the head,
Fans started to worry they'd leave Sonnen dead.

The first round had ended, and thank god it did,
Cause Sonnen was beat like an insolent kid.
"It's my balls," Chael said and adjusted his cup.
"They're useless to me like the pair on a pup."

And that's when a figure dropped from the ceiling.
Twas Yushin Okami, he'd seen his friend reeling.
"Your testes don't work, but your wrestling's sublime!"
"Believe in yourself, it's been you the whole time!"

"'Member when I used my head to beat Andy?"
"When Hammill told Jones his head contained candy?"
"Two stunning victories no one saw coming!"
"Get off your stool, make his face unbecoming!"

As Chael looked across at his foe his head spun.
He saw Bones enjoy a massage from Joe Son.
Hungry and motivated just like ol' Penn,
Eating Mean Pizza had Chael ready again.

The gangster charged Bones with much renewed vigor.
The king's face wore fear when Chael pulled the trigger.
This once one-sided fight would soon have its twist,
With Sonnen's Notorious Spinning Backfist!

He landed it hard and he landed it well,
And that's when the Snowball King finally fell.
The belt was the gangster's, he'd actually won,
And NSAC declared him best friend number one.

Well that's how it happened at One Fifty-One.
The tale has been told and the yarn has been spun.
With Chael Sonnen's victory everything's changed.
The belts were all scrambled, the champs rearranged.

In this magical land of mights and great heights,
Jon Fitch became champ just to spite Dana White.
But that there's a story too boring to write.
So from One Fifty-One, we bid you goodnight.



Most of the proposed fights did end up happening on one card or another in the following months. I've linked to the ones that came to fruition.

Main Card
Light Heavyweight Jon Jones vs. Chael Sonnen
Welterweight Jake Ellenberger vs. Jay Hieron
Featherweight Dennis Siver vs. Eddie Yagin
Lightweight Dennis Hallman vs. Thiago Tavares
Flyweight John Lineker vs. Yasuhiro Urushitani

Prelims (FX)
Lightweight Michael Johnson vs. Danny Castillo
Bantamweight Takeya Mizugaki vs. Jeff Hougland
Lightweight Tim Means vs. Abel Trujillo
Lightweight Daron Cruickshank vs. Henry Martinez

Prelims (Facebook)
Lightweight Shane Roller vs. Jacob Volkmann
Welterweight Kyle Noke vs. Charlie Brenneman

Discuss the fights and the demise of 151 and 176.
Discuss your reasons for disliking Jon Jones.
Discuss your fond, made-up memories of this fantastical event.

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Agent Tough Juice
May 21, 2007

People! I'd like to say a couple words for you: If you have a dream in your life... go head! It's a possible! Go head! I can do that!


Detroit_Dogg
Feb 2, 2008



Dan Henderson would have caught Jon Jones with a brutal right hand and won the belt and there is nothing you can say to make me not believe that.

kensei
Dec 27, 2007

Bo Knows Posting


I have no idea where the UFC 151 GDT ended up as far as archives. IIRC it was renamed to the Agony and Ecstasy of being a Jon Jones fan.

Don't forget - the other person who volunteered to fight JBJ besides Chael was:



LobsterMobster
Oct 29, 2009

"I was being quiet and trying to be a good boy but he dialed the right combination to open the throw-down vault and it was on."

"Walter Foxx is ten times brighter than your bulb at the bottom of the tree merry xmas"


kensei posted:

I have no idea where the UFC 151 GDT ended up as far as archives. IIRC it was renamed to the Agony and Ecstasy of being a Jon Jones fan.

Don't forget - the other person who volunteered to fight JBJ besides Chael was:





I fully believe that if Jones wasn't a giant, toothpick-legged babby, we could have had The Rise of The Weird Man a year early (And then he could have won a super-fight against Andy and be a dual-division, simultaneous champion)

maffew buildings
Apr 29, 2009

My era is Karate. Karate's back. MACHIDA KARATE!

Never bet against wrestling.

i started a facebook group called Jon Jones Is a Dingus when 151 git cancelled. wveryone here is welcome to join for he has not stopped being a dingus. it's pretty dumb like the namesake

Fat Twitter Man
Jan 24, 2007


UFC 151 gave us Silva vs Bonnar indirectly. Anderson called Dana and offered to fight any LHW besides Jones and Dana cashed in the favor a couple months late.

LobsterMobster
Oct 29, 2009

"I was being quiet and trying to be a good boy but he dialed the right combination to open the throw-down vault and it was on."

"Walter Foxx is ten times brighter than your bulb at the bottom of the tree merry xmas"


maffew buildings posted:

i started a facebook group called Jon Jones Is a Dingus when 151 git cancelled. wveryone here is welcome to join for he has not stopped being a dingus. it's pretty dumb like the namesake

oh so that is you, neato torpedo

david carmichael
Oct 28, 2011


maffew buildings posted:

i started a facebook group called Jon Jones Is a Dingus when 151 git cancelled. wveryone here is welcome to join for he has not stopped being a dingus. it's pretty dumb like the namesake

i've requested to join. i'm the handsome one.

Fat Twitter Man
Jan 24, 2007


you must have blocked me

Mr. Nice!
Oct 13, 2005

I'd fuck on the first date but truckers usually just want their salads tossed

Also



https://www.facebook.com/groups/264438677008239/

Agent Tough Juice
May 21, 2007

People! I'd like to say a couple words for you: If you have a dream in your life... go head! It's a possible! Go head! I can do that!


I'm not sure I wanted to know what you guys looked like. This is weird.

maffew buildings
Apr 29, 2009

My era is Karate. Karate's back. MACHIDA KARATE!

Never bet against wrestling.

i am a poodle, correct

maffew buildings
Apr 29, 2009

My era is Karate. Karate's back. MACHIDA KARATE!

Never bet against wrestling.

david carmichael posted:

i've requested to join. i'm the handsome one.

caucasian male order bride spotted. congrats on escaping the burrow

Duzzy Funlop
Jan 13, 2010

Looks like a duck.
Quacks like a duck.
Probably a duck.

~SMcD

So many folks that I like in this here subforum. Then I learn that I cannot like some of them anymore because facebook tells me they live in Opelika.

LobsterMobster
Oct 29, 2009

"I was being quiet and trying to be a good boy but he dialed the right combination to open the throw-down vault and it was on."

"Walter Foxx is ten times brighter than your bulb at the bottom of the tree merry xmas"


Duzzy Funlop posted:

So many folks that I like in this here subforum. Then I learn that I cannot like some of them anymore because facebook tells me they live in Opelika.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE O, DOGG? 334, HOMIE

Gregor Samsa
Sep 5, 2007
Nietzsche's Mustache

How is it even possible that some dude from Germany i) knows where the gently caress Opelika is, and ii) has feelings about it?

maffew buildings
Apr 29, 2009

My era is Karate. Karate's back. MACHIDA KARATE!

Never bet against wrestling.

If I remember correct from his post in another forum Fuzzy is going to loving Flagstaff, Az. for grad school. He's just a kook like that

Gregor Samsa
Sep 5, 2007
Nietzsche's Mustache

maffew buildings posted:

If I remember correct from his post in another forum Fuzzy is going to loving Flagstaff, Az. for grad school. He's just a kook like that

Don't get tan, carry your papers.

Duzzy Funlop
Jan 13, 2010

Looks like a duck.
Quacks like a duck.
Probably a duck.

~SMcD

Gregor Samsa posted:

How is it even possible that some dude from Germany i) knows where the gently caress Opelika is, and ii) has feelings about it?

i) I spent a semester at AHS in Auburn in the fall of 99

ii) as a temporary resident in an SEC stronghold, I was thorougly indoctrinated that SEC mentality is perfectly applicable on sub-NCAA levels and therefore, everyone living in your sports rival's hometown is, in fact, Hitler The dawgs beat us 24-14, the ref was bought, the ball was slippery, cosmic radiation gave made us fumble, a friend of mine was beat up in the parking lot



alternate-ii) because Alabama

Duzzy Funlop fucked around with this message at Jul 31, 2014 around 06:49

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

I don't promote fights, I pick fights. I'm better than Jon Jones. I'm better than Sean Combs. I am even better than John Holmes.

Duzzy Funlop posted:

So many folks that I like in this here subforum. Then I learn that I cannot like some of them anymore because facebook tells me they live in Opelika.

My worlds are colliding here.

LobsterMobster
Oct 29, 2009

"I was being quiet and trying to be a good boy but he dialed the right combination to open the throw-down vault and it was on."

"Walter Foxx is ten times brighter than your bulb at the bottom of the tree merry xmas"


Duzzy Funlop posted:

i) I spent a semester at AHS in Auburn in the fall of 99

ii) as a temporary resident in an SEC stronghold, I was thorougly indoctrinated that SEC mentality is perfectly applicable on sub-NCAA levels and therefore, everyone living in your sports rival's hometown is, in fact, Hitler The dawgs beat us 24-14, the ref was bought, the ball was slippery, cosmic radiation gave made us fumble, a friend of mine was beat up in the parking lot



alternate-ii) because Alabama

If it makes you feel any better, I didn't even move to Alabama until 2003 (And in fact graduated from AHS)

Duzzy Funlop
Jan 13, 2010

Looks like a duck.
Quacks like a duck.
Probably a duck.

~SMcD

It does.

Also, please tell me Mr. Weeks and Brown were still there as well as Coach Casarona and Blueberry Havens.
Oh god, I feel an onset of Alabama-teenage-PTSD around the corner.

Gregor Samsa
Sep 5, 2007
Nietzsche's Mustache

My mind is blown.

LobsterMobster
Oct 29, 2009

"I was being quiet and trying to be a good boy but he dialed the right combination to open the throw-down vault and it was on."

"Walter Foxx is ten times brighter than your bulb at the bottom of the tree merry xmas"


Duzzy Funlop posted:

It does.

Also, please tell me Mr. Weeks and Brown were still there as well as Coach Casarona and Blueberry Havens.
Oh god, I feel an onset of Alabama-teenage-PTSD around the corner.

I have no idea, probably not

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Duzzy Funlop
Jan 13, 2010

Looks like a duck.
Quacks like a duck.
Probably a duck.

~SMcD

To get back to the issue at hand: This is a loving amazing OP.

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