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WELCOME TO THE proudly sponsored by Fort Minor - Remember The Name  not not luvd posted:reminder that if you can't see your clubs stadium from your bedroom window you're a massive plastic who should literally kill themselves vyelkin posted:What if your bedroom is on the wrong side of the house? Loving Africa Chaps posted:If you loved your club you'd move So, I watched the World Cup, what happens now? Mostly Tim Howard picking balls out of his net. Except now it'll be raining. But yes, if you've literally never watched football before, the way it works is that each national federation will generally have its own league and separate cup competition(s), as well as submitting participants to the relevant continental competition for the confederation that nation belongs to. This sounds like a lot of football, and it is. However, in practice, all of the top-level global talent will normally end up in one of five European national leagues: The Premier League (England); La Liga (Spain); Serie A (Italy); Bundesliga (Germany); and Ligue 1 (France). Now, if you're particularly interested in what's happening in the Norwegian league, or the Japanese J-League, then we have threads for that, but they're generally just for locals and other sexual deviants. Some of the smaller national leagues will just be semi-pro endeavours for local players, while some of the bigger ones (Holland, Belgium, Portugal) will tend to be shop-window leagues buying up Africans and South Americans who may eventually get sold on, as well as a few leagues that sign up old guys on big money (Russia, Ukraine, Turkey). The point being that I don't give a gently caress what happens in these horrid pigpen countries and neither should you. As an English-language football forum, the majority of the content here relates to the English Premier League, which is the most watched league internationally, and the one you're most likely to run into outside the Spanish-speaking world. It's generally considered to be the most competitive of all the major leagues, although the Spanish giants of Real Madrid and Barcelona almost certainly have best squads man-for-man right now, or at least, the most expensive. Most of the content in this thread is therefore going to be EPL-centric, but I'm happy (although really I'm not) for anyone to ask questions about other leagues. So how does English football work? The Premier League consists of 20 teams, at least five of which have never hired Nicolas Anelka. Everybody plays each other home and away, with three points awarded for a win, and one point each in the event of a draw (tie). The team with the most points after 38 games are awarded a trophy, and the fans of this team are awarded the right to make offensive gifs about the other teams. Except Chelsea, whose fans don't have the opposable thumbs required to carry this out. The top four teams are (save some weird permutations) entered into the European Champions League tournament (not actually a league, nor just for champions) for the following season. The bottom three teams are relegated, to be replaced by three teams from the division below. There is also a major knockout cup competition, the FA Cup, featuring every registered team in the country, and a minor knockout cup competition, the League Cup (also known as the CapitalOne Cup, and a variety of previous names, for sponsorship purposes), featuring teams in the top four divisions. Your poo poo team might win one of these and then pretend that it's just as good as winning the league (it isn't). Sometimes I bite my own tongue when I eat, could you please explain the concept of relegation? Unlike American Sports, which are bad, European football teams are normally independent entities that can, and do, go bankrupt if their management fucks things up too badly. Therefore, the system is integrated as such that succesful lower-league teams move up, and lovely garbage teams (such as West Ham) have to go and play Rochdale in front of, like, twelve people and a horse. This does mean that most of the teams in the league will at least tangentially have something to play for for most of the season, rather than just giving up at the end of October when it becomes clear that they're winning gently caress all. Again. In theory, we could go and set up our own football team right now, and enter it at something like Tier 12 of the league system. Except, you know, don't. Don't do that. Will I enjoy any of this? Probably not. Half of the matches will be between garbage teams managed by a man whose entire tactical knowledge involves kicking the ball as far as possible away from goal toward a man who is poo poo but tall, plus skimming dodgy money from transfers, yet who continually are baffled at being overlooked for the England job. It'll still be raining, and the Burnley fans will be singing a song about their favourite racial groups (if you're white, I've got great news). You'll also start using the word "oval office" in public and become almost entirely ignorant of genderqueer theory, which will lead to you being attacked by a fat woman who dyes her hair an ugly colour but to whom no-one says anything out of politeness and because it's not like it would really improve things if she didn't. Also you'll be forced to ask your questions in a weird American ghetto thread, so as to not ruin things for normal people who just want to develop ulcers in peace. Which team should I support? I don't care. Nobody cares. Stop asking this. There are literally only three answers a person will give to this: 1) Their own team 2) A poo poo team 3) Homophobic abuse However, in case it might be helpful, I've made the following chart to solve all of your American problems:  In case you were also interested in following La Liga this season, I've also made this:  I'd say that I was glad to be of assistance, but it would be a disgraceful lie. Also, if you're Australian, don't use the word "barrack". You're not allowed to make up new words until you finish learning how to use the ones you've already got.
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Aug 9, 2014 18:22
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Gigi sticky dis and then probate any Americans that post in the proper thread
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Aug 9, 2014 18:23
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I hate FLJ threads
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Aug 9, 2014 18:32
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Evertons shack is wooden ffs edit: Eeverton
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Aug 9, 2014 18:53
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I may have phrased it poorly in the other thread but thanks for the suggestions, I'll seem them as I'm able
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Aug 9, 2014 18:58
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Please new fans ignore the op he is a plastic united fan who retreated to his fortress of solitude (a decrepit bedsit where he cries) from the middle of last season because the only thing he has in his life is feeling superior to other plastics on the internet. He is a sham and a fraud. 
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Aug 9, 2014 19:02
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Top thread, I lolled. Reminder that if you're foreign and you choose a team in the top half you're a oval office, top 6 and your a massive oval office, top 4 and you're subhuman and if it's either Chelsea or City then you're hitler. Solution; support West Brom.
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Aug 9, 2014 19:16
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Real Madrid is the best team in the world and supports fascism.
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Aug 9, 2014 19:18
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fat gay nonce posted:Please new fans ignore the op he is a plastic united fan who retreated to his fortress of solitude (a decrepit bedsit where he cries) from the middle of last season because the only thing he has in his life is feeling superior to other plastics on the internet. He is a sham and a fraud. it's not a bedsit i have my own bathroom
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Aug 9, 2014 19:19
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Hegay posted:Real Madrid is the best team in the world and supports fascism. and diabolical medical experimentation on chimps
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Aug 9, 2014 19:22
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American Addendum If you live in the United States or Canada, you have a moral and societal obligation to root for your local side. Major League Soccer is weird and socialist even by American sports standards, but they're your home team. You'll have at least two players who grew up in town, and at least three whom you make more money than. But they're yours, and you want to stop watching TV all day and die friendless and alone, right? You could go to a stadium and die with six friends with whom you share one thing in common instead. The Premier League is cool and all, but for an American, even a lower-tier team is better for you, your country, your city, your economy. Choose a team that fits your needs abroad, but remember that sports are meant to be watched outdoors with new friends and easily offended moms. Join a supporter group if you like to sing and dance and watch a game. Sit away from them if you want to analyze the game. Twenty Europeans will make a joke about video game tifos and they'll all find each other quite clever. gently caress 'em. Do you and be weird. And root for Chivas. We all drew lots last night and the next American fan has to root for them.
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Aug 9, 2014 19:25
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My local MLS side is in another country fah
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Aug 9, 2014 19:28
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Thirteenth Step posted:Top thread, I lolled. This man speaks the truth. Long effort post tomorrow if he doesn't beat me to it.
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Aug 9, 2014 19:29
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Tremendous Taste posted:My local MLS side is in another country fah I will find the closest side to you in any given league in my continuous search for the smallest weird team.
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Aug 9, 2014 19:32
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NPSL for life
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Aug 9, 2014 19:36
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Please support Swansea City. We have cool players like: wait  hang on that's not right either  That's more like it!  phwoar
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Aug 9, 2014 19:39
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Note that if you're American and you want to support the most local team the answer is Plymouth Argyle.
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Aug 9, 2014 19:39
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actually as an american you can just watch the premier league with no favorite team. "thats hosed up go back to gbs" you might say to me, but in reality, you can riff on every team and laugh when people post that they're having breathing problems before liverpool/chelsea
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Aug 9, 2014 20:27
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Fully expecting to not get much help, but I'm an American who has loosely been following Stoke for the past two years after realizing the cuntiness of choosing United as my team when I was like 10. I liked watching Stoke and more to the point really like Peter Crouch. I intend to follow more closely this year. Anything I should definitely know about the team (players, culture, whatever) before diving in?
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Aug 9, 2014 23:22
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siriuslysomething posted:Fully expecting to not get much help, but I'm an American who has loosely been following Stoke for the past two years after realizing the cuntiness of choosing United as my team when I was like 10. I liked watching Stoke and more to the point really like Peter Crouch. I intend to follow more closely this year. Anything I should definitely know about the team (players, culture, whatever) before diving in? They used to be poo poo cunts managed by Tony Pulis, the master oval office. Now they're slightly less poo poo cunts managed by Mark Hughes, who is mildly less cunty but also super corrupt and poo poo if you let him have any control over transfers whatsoever. If you want to sound in the know, call him Sparky and moan about how you hope Bojan doesn't get injured on a cold Tuesday night at the Britannia.
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Aug 9, 2014 23:36
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stoke owns its the best team playing in the best way
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Aug 9, 2014 23:41
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fat greasy puto posted:actually as an american you can just watch the premier league with no favorite team. "thats hosed up go back to gbs" you might say to me, but in reality, you can riff on every team and laugh when people post that they're having breathing problems before liverpool/chelsea This is the correct answer and also works for non-americans!
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Aug 9, 2014 23:49
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vyelkin posted:They used to be poo poo cunts managed by Tony Pulis, the master oval office. Now they're slightly less poo poo cunts managed by Mark Hughes, who is mildly less cunty but also super corrupt and poo poo if you let him have any control over transfers whatsoever. If you want to sound in the know, call him Sparky and moan about how you hope Bojan doesn't get injured on a cold Tuesday night at the Britannia. http://www.gfycat.com/EmbellishedBraveConch
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Aug 9, 2014 23:53
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siriuslysomething posted:Fully expecting to not get much help, but I'm an American who has loosely been following Stoke for the past two years after realizing the cuntiness of choosing United as my team when I was like 10. I liked watching Stoke and more to the point really like Peter Crouch. I intend to follow more closely this year. Anything I should definitely know about the team (players, culture, whatever) before diving in? Keep on truckin superstar
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Aug 9, 2014 23:57
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Stoke are cool (but not very good) and Peter Crouch is an endearingly freakish humanoid who we can laugh and learn with in the great adventure of Premier League football. And that one time he did a robot dance. Fine choice.
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Aug 10, 2014 00:01
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Stoke are the best and have some lovely lads imo. We'll never win anything though and the best Stoke can ever hope for is like eighth. Crouch will probably play a lot less this season with the signings of Diouf and Bojan.
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Aug 10, 2014 00:10
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Crouch is awesome
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Aug 10, 2014 00:21
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He's having his nachos, that's for sure.
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Aug 10, 2014 00:24
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sebzilla posted:Stoke are cool (but not very good) and Peter Crouch is an endearingly freakish humanoid who we can laugh and learn with in the great adventure of Premier League football. And that one time he did a robot dance. Fine choice. Yeah I've seen him in a bunch of interviews and television appearances along with watching him play. Again it was the major decision in choosing a team. Meat Wagon posted:Stoke are the best and have some lovely lads imo. We'll never win anything though and the best Stoke can ever hope for is like eighth. Crouch will probably play a lot less this season with the signings of Diouf and Bojan. I'm ok with that. I feel like it will make for some interesting viewing that they are pretty middle table most of the time. Glad to hear the team as a whole has likable players even though it does sadden me Crouch might not be playing as much. Diouf played for Bolton last time I was really following the Premier League and I liked him well enough for playing on a team I didn't really care about. I have seen a lot of people on the forums talking about Bojan but know very little about him. I'm excited to get see more of him. Thanks for all the responses. After lurking for a few months this was a much more positive response than I was expecting and it was really appreciated. I look forward to watching along with you all this season!
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Aug 10, 2014 00:33
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Nice OP, OP. Here is a Google Trends chart for the enjoyment of all. Unfortunately there is not enough data to do a regional analysis.  fat greasy puto posted:actually as an american you can just watch the premier league with no favorite team. "thats hosed up go back to gbs" you might say to me, but in reality, you can riff on every team and laugh when people post that they're having breathing problems before liverpool/chelsea Much like us  Yanks don't understand draws, we also do not understand not choosing a clear-cut side in any competition or conflict.
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Aug 10, 2014 01:09
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fat greasy puto posted:actually as an american you can just watch the premier league with no favorite team. "thats hosed up go back to gbs" you might say to me, but in reality, you can riff on every team and laugh when people post that they're having breathing problems before liverpool/chelsea Hm despite the anime avatar I agree with this post.
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Aug 10, 2014 01:13
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Hegay posted:Real Madrid is the best team in the world and supports fascism. If you are down with popular self-governance, gigantic ears, pipe-smoking, and absurd languages you'll love Athletic Club
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Aug 10, 2014 01:30
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As an American just go into the transfer thread & say that "we're linked with" then say a random player without ever actually choosing a team.
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Aug 10, 2014 01:32
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siriuslysomething posted:Diouf played for Bolton last time I was really following the Premier League and I liked him well enough for playing on a team I didn't really care about. Everybody in Africa is either named Diouf, Diarra or Cisse. Except South Africans, who are named after a Dutchman falling down a hill. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mame_Biram_Diouf
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Aug 10, 2014 01:48
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FullLeatherJacket posted:Everybody in Africa is either named Diouf, Diarra or Cisse. Except South Africans, who are named after a Dutchman falling down a hill. Yeah I saw that comment and thought I was about to get to enlighten someone about El-Hadji Diouf, but then I remembered that they signed Mame Biram.
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Aug 10, 2014 01:51
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Whoops! Showing my lack of knowledge of the current roster. My fault. Thanks!
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Aug 10, 2014 01:55
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Hello, friends.
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Aug 10, 2014 02:03
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Stroop There It Is posted:Much like us Hey now, we can have draws. It's possible in our football too. And although I feel you guys are missing out on sudden-death unlimited overtime, what we really don't understand is the lack of playoffs. How can you have a champion without an additional two months of post-season playoffs? PLAYOFFS! 
Zero One fucked around with this message at 03:19 on Aug 10, 2014 |
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Aug 10, 2014 02:55
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Agreed, a club that played every other club home and away, earning the most points along the way, does not deserve to win the league.
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Aug 10, 2014 03:05
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Stroop There It Is posted:Nice OP, OP. Disagree on all counts. Not choosing a team to be a "fan" of in England is easy because theyre all cunts anyway. Edit: also true for Spain.
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Aug 10, 2014 04:59
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