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Claude Monet II
Feb 13, 2010


Iíd like to start off by saying that Iím fully aware that this problem is trivial and/or crazy and I have no idea why it is affecting me so much. Iím actually embarrassed to go to my friends with this problem as I KNOW itís crazyÖso Iím asking a bunch of random internet strangers instead!

Background:
Iíve always kept a tiny friend circle. Iím extremely picky when it comes to picking my friends and when I meet someone I hit it off with, I REALLY like them. I wish I werenít this way sometimes because when Iím fighting with a close friend, itís a huge deal. If I were more of a social butterfly with a wide circle of friends, fights wouldnít get me down as much because I would have a ton of other people to turn to.

The Issue:
I moved here to a new town about 2 years ago for work and re-building a social network has been a trying process to say the least (I knew no one here before arriving). It's a pretty small town and I was warned before arriving that it would be hard. Thatís why I was delighted when about 8 months ago, I met someone who I hit it off with. Since then, weíve spent basically every weekend together. I realize this is kind of co-dependent and that I should have been branching out moreÖbut after a year of trying (joining rec sports, meet ups, online dating etc) and getting nowhere, I was so relieved to meet someone I clicked with. I was having fun and laughing, something I hadnít experienced since moving here.

About 4 months ago though, poo poo really hit the fan with her roommate situation and she confessed to me that sheís absolutely miserable here and wants to leave. Iím depressed, but I try to be supportive and am there for many late night phone calls, dinners, etc where she goes on and on in detail about how depressing living here has been for her. I encourage her to make a plan to leave, as thereís obviously nothing I can do if sheís not happy and I want to see her in a better place. A couple weeks pass and sheís changed her mind againóshe wants to give living here a shot. We go back to having fun and great adventures together. Then, out of the blue, Iíll get a random message explaining that sheís absolutely miserable here and no one here will hold a candle to her friends back homeÖ and that she misses the good times she used to have. This makes me feel like a pile of poo poo, but I support her in developing a plan to leave.

Needless to say, this cycle has repeated itself about 4 times now and I feel like Iím losing my mind. Iíll have what I consider to be a ton of fun with someone, only to have them turn around and let me know that they have been miserable the entire timeóand casually suggest that Iím nothing like their ďreal friendsĒ elsewhere.

I reached a breaking point last night when we had yet another dinner to discuss how ďbadĒ this place truly is and how she canít wait to leave. I explained that itís kind of rude to keep telling this stuff to me (why not bitch to your friends back home about it and at least try to have fun here?)..and she snapped that it has nothing to do with me. I was pretty choked and after a few drinks sent her a text explaining that Iím tired of her complaining/bitching about it here and if she wants to continue a friendship then I need her to stop. Since then she hasnít replied and Iím effectively getting the silent treatment.

I donít know what kind of advice Iím really expecting hereÖ but am I crazy for being hurt over this? Am I being too over the top? Should I just sever and go back to looking for new friends (even though this one took nearly a year to find)? Should I apologize for what I said? Am I a lunatic?

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Roke.
Apr 15, 2007

Have a great day,
ya look like a purse!



Do people actually get in fights with their friends? If you're arguing with someone that is just a friend you hang out with, maybe you shouldn't be friends with them.


Claude Monet II posted:

I’m tired of her complaining/bitching about it here and if she wants to continue a friendship then I need her to stop. Since then she hasn’t replied and I’m effectively getting the silent treatment.

She is venting to you about being unhappy, and you, being her friend for two years, send her an ultimatum to shut up or get out of your life. Of course she is upset getting a response like that, even if she was possibly complaining too much to you. You sound like a great friend.

Baronjutter
Dec 31, 2007

...the engine tracks thousands of details for each unit meaning it will be a far deeper game than your grandpa's chess.
Pre-order CHESS now and receive the DLC "queen" unit.

Maybe your lovely small town is horrible and you should both move somewhere else?

Claude Monet II
Feb 13, 2010


Roke. posted:

Do people actually get in fights with their friends?

She is venting to you about being unhappy, and you, being her friend for two years, send her an ultimatum to shut up or get out of your life. Of course she is upset getting a response like that, even if she was possibly complaining too much to you. You sound like a great friend.

Yes? I'm pretty sure friends get in fights.

Also, we've been friends for 8 months, not 2 years. I've been here for 2 years and met her 8 months ago. I dunno, I guess I think there should be a limit on how much you are allowed to vent to someone? When it's constant and unrelenting it gets to be a bit much ...


Baronjutter posted:

Maybe your lovely small town is horrible and you should both move somewhere else?

I am planning on moving in a few years. I currently co-own a company that had to be located here in the short term. Moving it is a bit complicated and will take time. In the meantime, I want to try to enjoy it as best I can and hearing "it's so miserable" all the time doesn't help.

fuck the ROW
Aug 29, 2008

i just want your sufferings ~ your bloods and fluid ~ your stupid fucking tiny skeleton ~


You sound awful, OP. Is there any mental illness you're not telling us about?

xov
Nov 14, 2005

DNA Ts. Rednum or F. Raf


Look out for yourself. If you're having a hard time dealing with your own situation plus hers, it's not out of line to ask her to start hanging out again once she's in a better place emotionally. You shouldn't feel obligated to try to make her happy. It does sound a bit codependent.

Claude Monet II
Feb 13, 2010


xov posted:

Look out for yourself. If you're having a hard time dealing with your own situation plus hers, it's not out of line to ask her to start hanging out again once she's in a better place emotionally. You shouldn't feel obligated to try to make her happy. It does sound a bit codependent.

Thank you for this. This is pretty much it exactly. I'm not in the best place myself and don't have the emotional spare capacity to lift her spirits as well as my own. I have felt obligated to make her happy and have done what I feel is going above and beyond to try to make things better for her. I guess my hope was that she would change or actually follow through and move. Now neither has happened the relationship is starting to impact my own mental health.

Devils Affricate
Jan 22, 2010


Don't bottle up your frustrations with someone only to have an emotional outburst when you feel like you can't take it anymore. When someone vents to from time to time and you just go "Oh hmm, yeah, that really sucks, I'll try to help you out with that" every time, they're going to think you're okay with or even interested in hearing about their problems.

Araenna
Dec 27, 2012


Roke. posted:

Do people actually get in fights with their friends? If you're arguing with someone that is just a friend you hang out with, maybe you shouldn't be friends with them.


She is venting to you about being unhappy, and you, being her friend for two years, send her an ultimatum to shut up or get out of your life. Of course she is upset getting a response like that, even if she was possibly complaining too much to you. You sound like a great friend.

Uh, if the venting involved saying how no one is as good a friend as her old friends, I'd tell her to shut up too. That's insanely rude.

Starter Wiggin
Feb 1, 2009

Screw the enemy's gate man, I've got a fucking TAIL!
Do you know how crazy the ladies go for those?


You only made one friend in two years? How much effort did you really put into meet ups and the sort? You need more than one person you're friendly with so that if you fight with one friend, you can go hangout with the other ones while she cools off.

Baronjutter
Dec 31, 2007

...the engine tracks thousands of details for each unit meaning it will be a far deeper game than your grandpa's chess.
Pre-order CHESS now and receive the DLC "queen" unit.

If she lives in a really lovely places the potential pool of friends might be dry. I've had friends had to move to lovely little nothing towns for a few years and unless you grew up in the town it's hard to impossible to make friends.

Warren Zevon
May 13, 2009

Enjoy Every Sandvich

If you two were dating the answer would be sever, so

In other news you are allowed to assert boundaries, but you sound like you are really passive about poo poo until you snap and then freak out. Maybe you will reconcile, I don't know, but in the future be a bit more proactive in a relationship of any kind and stop placing someone else's happiness above yours until you decide that it is unacceptable. It's OK to say "Hey, what you are doing I'm not cool with" and even then it could cause poo poo to go sideways. If it is going to go sideways it will anyway.

Also something about borrowing trouble and LSD.

HerStuddMuffin
Aug 10, 2014


Claude Monet II posted:

I was pretty choked and after a few drinks sent her a text explaining that Iím tired of her complaining/bitching about it here and if she wants to continue a friendship then I need her to stop. Since then she hasnít replied and Iím effectively getting the silent treatment.

That silence is her reply. Let her cool off, she'll come back when/if she's ready. You say this has been going on for four months and you've known her for eight, so you're at the point where the bad times have just overtaken the good ones. Like Warren Zevon said, if you two were dating you'd be told to sever.

Life is too short to put up with people who put you down. Stop believing it's mathematically impossible to make friends in your town and start doing it instead.

Cyberball 2072
Feb 17, 2014



They didn't respond to your texts, great! Problem solved, I declare you both officially broken up.

Chupe Raho Aurat
Jun 22, 2011

by Lowtax


Cyberball 2072 posted:

They didn't respond to your texts, great! Problem solved, I declare you both officially broken up.

Came to post this. Problem solved, close thread.

Jeza
Feb 13, 2011

The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.


Here's a fun fact: If somebody comes to complain to you directly about their living situation, they are explicitly excluding you from that analysis. Just because you were her one good friend wherever you are, does not make up for the fact that maybe she's bored/miserable all the rest of the time. I know it's shocking to find out that maybe you're not the only important person in another person's social life, but since you have like no friends it inevitably looks that way to you. HTH.

letthereberock
Sep 4, 2004



Claude Monet II posted:


Needless to say, this cycle has repeated itself about 4 times now and I feel like Iím losing my mind. Iíll have what I consider to be a ton of fun with someone, only to have them turn around and let me know that they have been miserable the entire timeóand casually suggest that Iím nothing like their ďreal friendsĒ elsewhere.


"Needless to say"? How is this needless to say? You think anyone would just assume this remarkably specific series of events with friends has played itself out four times with different people?

Unless I am misreading this, you seem to be saying that on 4 separate occasions, with different people, a friend you thought was enjoying themselves to you later revealed they were miserable and wanted to return to their "real" friends somewhere else? Unless you are EXTREMELY unlucky, I find this very hard to believe. Something tells me this is an issue of your own perception & insecurities. If you could expand on the other times this happened, we might get to the bottom of what's going on here.

Now back to this current situation, I've always believed friends are like habits: good ones are good for you, bad ones are bad for you, and no friends is better than bad friends. It seems to me like she intentionally trying to provoke you by saying over and over again how much better her old friends were - basically trying to make you "prove" your worth by making her happy. But ultimately she is responsible for her own happiness, not you, especially given your own mental health issues (which you very casually threw in there, btw).

If this spat does blow over and she tries to reestablish your friendship, be sure to nip that poo poo in the bud early and often. You are not her therapist, nor do you need to prove your worth to her. If she can't handle that, then I really don't think you're losing much.

Ocean Book
Sep 27, 2010

- hi

If you feel like your friend has been devaluing your friendship and making you fell oboe these, that is important. The way you expressed this to her wasn't the best way to so. You should discuss how she has been making you feel at a time when you are both calm and in a mood to support and understand each other.

Xibanya
Sep 16, 2012



I have tons of friends, many close ones, and I've never gotten into fights with them.

Probably because I rotate them out. I do not hang out with the same friend every weekend. (Sadly I do not hang out with friends on weekdays cause work hours are murder.)

Make more friends OP.

My Rhythmic Crotch
Jan 13, 2011



Claude Monet II posted:

no one here will hold a candle to her friends back homeÖ and that she misses the good times she used to have. This makes me feel like a pile of poo poo, but I support her in developing a plan to leave.
...
I reached a breaking point last night when we had yet another dinner to discuss how ďbadĒ this place truly is and how she canít wait to leave. I explained that itís kind of rude to keep telling this stuff to me (why not bitch to your friends back home about it and at least try to have fun here?)..and she snapped that it has nothing to do with me. I was pretty choked and after a few drinks sent her a text explaining that Iím tired of her complaining/bitching about it here and if she wants to continue a friendship then I need her to stop. Since then she hasnít replied and Iím effectively getting the silent treatment.
You sound really passive-aggressive. The first time that came out of her mouth you should have let her know it upset you. It's not wrong that you felt upset, but you have got to be more assertive.

That being said, you did bring it up eventually, and if your description is accurate, then her responding by snapping at you was rather immature. However, you still screwed up by then demanding that she either change or stop talking to you. I'd probably stop talking to you as well.

Edit: if you value her friendship, apologize. Also offer to go down on her. Clam jam. Muff dive. Know what I'm sayin?

My Rhythmic Crotch fucked around with this message at Aug 16, 2014 around 02:25

marchantia
Nov 5, 2009

WHAT IS THIS

IDK man, just change the subject?

violetdragon
Jul 27, 2006

RAWR


My Rhythmic Crotch posted:

That being said, you did bring it up eventually, and if your description is accurate, then her responding by snapping at you was rather immature. However, you still screwed up by then demanding that she either change or stop talking to you. I'd probably stop talking to you as well.

There's nothing wrong with ending a friendship if you can't deal with some aspect of it anymore. The OP shouldn't constantly be drug down by this person's venting if it's having a negative impact on their emotional health and life.

Giving her the option to tone it down seems better than simply announcing that you can't be friends anymore because of the complaining.

OP, if you do talk to this person again, you should clarify that you were feeling hurt by what she was saying and that you felt like she was saying your friendship wasn't an enjoyable part of her life, which feels bad for you. If you don't clarify that part, it sounds like you're just sick of listening to her bitch, but that's also a valid problem.

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My Rhythmic Crotch
Jan 13, 2011



violetdragon posted:

There's nothing wrong with ending a friendship if you can't deal with some aspect of it anymore. The OP shouldn't constantly be drug down by this person's venting if it's having a negative impact on their emotional health and life.

Giving her the option to tone it down seems better than simply announcing that you can't be friends anymore because of the complaining.
And I definitely don't advocate to stay in a friendship if it becomes untenable. I just think the OP should have been more assertive, and talked about it as soon as it first occurred. I'm not saying that more assertiveness would have 100% solved the issue, because no one knows how her friend would have responded, I'm just pointing out that the OP's handling of the situation was not great - nothing more and nothing less.

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