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Sizone
Sep 13, 2007
Probation
Can't post for 6 days!


I love my Saturn and I got to thinking what it was the best console at/for.
For some consoles this is easy to figure out. Dreamcast had the highest ratio of absolute classics to lovely/mediocre games, the best library to lifespan ratio and the best peripherals, so it is the best at a lot of things. NES has probably the most nostalgia going for it, so it is the best at nostalgia. Genesis has the best music in its games, so it has the best music. If you think about it, there's something every console does best.
I could not figure out what the Saturn was best at. Most successful in Japan while flopping hardest in U.S.? Nope, that's what the PCEngine is best at. Best shmups? Ehhhnnn... Kind of, but it would be contestable with the Dreamcast. You could say best NEOGEO conversion, but then you could also say is best conversion even a thing?
So the Saturn's got to be best at something, but what?

It isn't the best sound
it isn't the best graphics
it isn't the best games
it isn't the weirdest games

The Saturn is one of the best at all these things, but not objectively the best at any of them.

I was thinking about this problem when it dawned on me. The Saturn is too advanced to be fully appreciated through ordinary human experience. As I was playing Magic Knight Rayearth, I unfurled and pulled out my sixth sense organ, my penis. Not in any kind of masturbatory way, just to allow myself the full force of the Saturn experience. And experience it I did. I don't know of any rational way to explain it, maybe it was gentle vibrations from the CD drive, or maybe it was the particular timbres and pitches, sounds or vibrations that I had previously been unable to experience because my penis was inside my trousers. These novel sensations, received by my antenna like penis triggered further perceptual enhancements. Colors became more vivid, sprites more detailed. The background music was, all a sudden, like a symphony, both in it's intricacy, complexity and beauty and in the sense of physical engulfment that comes from from attending the performance of an ensemble that size. It felt as though I was bathed in the sound of the Saturn, that the images of the Saturn had become more detailed and real than mundane reality. I had to turn it off, it had overwhelmed me.

A little later, after my nerves had settled, I played Burning Rangers with my dick out. Again, the same ecstatic experience, but this time I let myself become fully immersed in the Saturn. The experience was a full simulation of reality. I was fighting fires with lasers, I was jumping and gliding with a tiny jet pack, I was reading e-mails.

Now, for sure, I was thinking that this is some kind of anime girl sex response so, as a control, I tried out World Series Baseball 2. The experience was just as intense. I could smell the fresh cut grass, feel the sun on my back, feel the track crush and grind beneath my feet, I could feel my muscles strain as I swung the bat and ran from base to base. This time, though, something had changed. I had a massive erection. I began to feel things I hadn't previously, heats and caresses. The commentators voice began to speak to me only in whispers and moans. As the game wrapped up and the Padres beat the Braves, I came. Not once, but dozens of times in a orgasm that seemed to last an eternity.

Now, I come to you, my internet friends, to share this revelation.
The Sega Saturn is the best console to play with you cock out.

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Gimbal lock
Dec 28, 2008

Incoming top secret message:
I love you


Sizone posted:

Genesis has the best music in its games, so it has the best music.

The gently caress is this poopoo right there?

Sizone
Sep 13, 2007
Probation
Can't post for 6 days!


Gimbal lock posted:

The gently caress is this poopoo right there?

It's true. I saw, felt and fully understood how to weigh the qualities of music objectively during an intense session of 3 Dirt Dwarves. Genesis has the best music. Sorry your opinions are wrong.

Discount Viscount
Jul 9, 2010

Watch Out!


it's good

Kazvall
Mar 20, 2009



Whoa wait a minute we're going to need a control test here. Maybe everything is just way better without pants or underwear on. Could this be? Or was the saturn originally designed as a penile energy field emitting tacyon ray bioilluminator?

Gimbal lock
Dec 28, 2008

Incoming top secret message:
I love you


His entire theory is a three legged table with one of the legs rotten to the core: The genesis' music ain't that hot. That part casts a lot of uncertainty about his boners coming from the Saturn itself

Gimbal lock fucked around with this message at Aug 15, 2014 around 04:44

Sizone
Sep 13, 2007
Probation
Can't post for 6 days!


Kazvall posted:

Whoa wait a minute we're going to need a control test here. Maybe everything is just way better without pants or underwear on. Could this be? Or was the saturn originally designed as a penile energy field emitting tacyon ray bioilluminator?

I tried it with Blazing Lasers and the effect wasn't anywhere near as potent. I tried it with So You Like Horny Baseball Players?, a dating sim on the PC and nothing happened. Though I was masturbating furiously the entire time, which may have blocked out the tachyons.

Gimbal lock posted:

His entire theory is a three legged table with one of the legs rotten to the core: The genesis' music ain't that hot. That part casts a lot of uncertainty about his boners coming from the Saturn itself


We're all ignoring you

surc
Aug 17, 2004

Tenuki Tanuki.


Dreamcast. *drops mic, walks out*

matrix ripoff
Mar 16, 2005


the saturn is literally dogshit and its only value is for scoring nerd points among viddy game collection fetishists

chaosbreather
Dec 9, 2001

Wry and wise,
but also very sexual.


ps3 is probably the best console since it has the biggest catalogue of games, plays every media file and format, is inexpensive as poo poo, still being developed for, has an excellent wireless controller

but i appreciate and am humbled by your passion op

Sizone
Sep 13, 2007
Probation
Can't post for 6 days!


surc posted:

Dreamcast. *drops mic, walks out*

Nope. I even stuck my dick right next to the fan in case this experience was, in fact, vibration trigged. I tried Triggerheart excellia, nothing. World Series Baseball 2k2 gave me a boner, but failed to alter time and space. As a control, I tried the Dreamcast and Saturn conversions of Twinkle Star Sprites. The Saturn version transported me to a magical land where I was flying by resting my feet on flying pigs, the Dreamcast version was just a solid port.

chaosbreather posted:

ps3 is probably the best console since it has the biggest catalogue of games, plays every media file and format, is inexpensive as poo poo, still being developed for, has an excellent wireless controller

but i appreciate and am humbled by your passion op



I don't have a ps3, so I tried the XBOX360 version of Nier, I put my dick right up against the fan, but nothing.

Seshoho Cian
Jul 26, 2010



Reason no. 1 of why the saturn rules:

JethroMcB
Jan 23, 2004

Dude, calm down. It's not a ghost, it's just music. You can't touch music.

But music can touch you.


Sizone posted:

It's true. I saw, felt and fully understood how to weigh the qualities of music objectively during an intense session of 3 Dirt Dwarves. Genesis has the best music. Sorry your opinions are wrong.

yes i, too, like every piece of BGM and sound effect in every game to sound like a corrupted wav of a fart

Great Joe
Aug 13, 2008

SOUL CRUSHER


this is now a mega drive soundtrack thread

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Vw2d3_aEC8

Great Joe
Aug 13, 2008

SOUL CRUSHER


i mean seriously if you dont get why the megadrive has the best music you gotta be deaf

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HR_dtc3xL_c

Great Joe
Aug 13, 2008

SOUL CRUSHER


its got hard rock, its got jazz fusion what more could you want

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wv7ywWsAWyg

Seshoho Cian
Jul 26, 2010



gently caress dude, if you're talking about mega drive music you always open with this one
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KC-B3Q0cRrY

Snackula
Aug 1, 2013

hedgefund wizard


Megadrive always sounded grimy as gently caress. SNES had nothing but trumpets.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oInjf0-talM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVe8Z30oxKM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-Z3uVXV2EQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82fg10PwDeI

Great Joe
Aug 13, 2008

SOUL CRUSHER


Seshoho Cian posted:

gently caress dude, if you're talking about mega drive music you always open with this one
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KC-B3Q0cRrY

no you do, i do my own thang

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-L-nodTuoM

Great Joe
Aug 13, 2008

SOUL CRUSHER


this sounds like slayer at parts holy gently caress

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C9RzIgNKSDk

Abandon
Nov 23, 2006


no mention of radiant silvergun in the op. ban

Mung Dynasty
Jul 19, 2003

Why do the peasants slave while the emperor gets to eat all the mung?!


oh sweet another imp zone thread filled with youtube links i'll never click

Jim Silly-Balls
Jun 6, 2001

Fondle my shiny metal ass


Abandon posted:

no mention of radiant silvergun in the op. ban

more like radiant silvergunt

Kazvall
Mar 20, 2009



Jim Silly-Balls posted:

more like radiant silvergunt

But Rocks Hurt Head
Jun 30, 2003



Mung Dynasty posted:

oh sweet another imp zone thread filled with youtube links i'll never click

01011001
Dec 26, 2012



Mung Dynasty posted:

oh sweet another imp zone thread filled with youtube links i'll never click

Pizzatime
Apr 1, 2011



more like sega uranus

VideoGames
Aug 18, 2003

Game On


jesus christ i loved the megadrive music so much. always my favourite

Silver Alicorn
Mar 30, 2008

I'll get to it eventually.


mega drive/genesis music could either sound really good or be ear-destroying trash. there is no in between

Silver Alicorn
Mar 30, 2008

I'll get to it eventually.


compare

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSPCoBhpcoA

with

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vh2WTCQZkdg

Pizzatime
Apr 1, 2011




that's both links alright

Kazvall
Mar 20, 2009



Pizzatime posted:

that's both links alright

he could of made a vendiagram for us at least

Silver Alicorn
Mar 30, 2008

I'll get to it eventually.


it would just be two balls that don't touch.

Kazvall
Mar 20, 2009



Silver Alicorn posted:

it would just be two balls that don't touch.

lmbo

Shadow Hog
Feb 23, 2014

Avatar by Neoriceisgood

As long as we're talking best Genesis music, I must mention Time Trax.

And as long as I'm bringing up Tim Follin, I must also mention Plok!.

VideoGames
Aug 18, 2003

Game On


Shadow Hog posted:

As long as we're talking best Genesis music, I must mention Time Trax.

And as long as I'm bringing up Tim Follin, I must also mention Plok!.

tim and geoff follin are masters of music.
they are the only good thing about the silver surfer game.

But Rocks Hurt Head
Jun 30, 2003



it's cool that when they heard the title of 'Plok' they just assumed that it was a hosed-up contraction of 'prog rock' and then wrote the soundtrack about that

DrNougat
Jan 14, 2006

OOH HOO HOO!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3kJ5uctZF30

The game has a small following, but the entire soundtrack is good.

Mr Tastee
Jun 21, 2013


Everyone loves Segata Sanshiro, but the American Saturn promo was the superior one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjK0P_Qz0SA

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Sombrerotron
Aug 1, 2004

Release my children! My hat is truly great and mighty.

this fred made me remember http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NV1

playing saturn games on your pc in '95 must've been fairly hot poo poo

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