The Tim Tebow CFL Chronicles

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axeil: Feb 14, 2006

This is probably the greatest fake sports story ever written.

http://www.sbnation.com/2014/8/18/5998715/the-tim-tebow-cfl-chronicles

A Small Sample posted:

I just need to hand the ball off, get the Hell out of this series, and try to get some kind of handle on what's going on once I hit the sidelines.

Means. Maaaaan ... I'm 42 years old. You give me more than five carries, I'll pull something. I mean, you're the boss, but second and ten just ain't the spot for that. Better if you give it to Volquez.

In the shotgun again, and this time, it's not gonna knock me on my rear end. Here comes the crowd again: "JAV! JAV! JAV!" I forgot to ask what the "jav" is, and I guess I'll find out.

Tebow. JAV OUT!

Henderson. Timmy, I don't think --

Tebow. HUT!

The ball's in the air, halfway to me. This time I'm ready. There's this sound. KA-CHUNK. This time, I catch the ball, but I don't understand what I have caught. I kill a second or two just staring at it.

All right, well, that's why it weighs so much. If I had more than two and a half seconds before the blitz was on me, I might look closer at the telescoping metal tail that has sprung out of the rear end of the ball, and the three fins that neatly pop out at the very end and almost make it look like a cruise missile. I might let it sit in my hand, and feel a surprisingly perfect counterbalance in weight -- it's heavy, yes, but throwing it is like pushing a train across rails. Soon, I will come to love it; it will roll up and down the arc I draw into the sky with my arm.

But right now, I am a stupid man, standing in the middle of a sport he doesn't understand, with a stick in his hand and poo poo in his pants. Gotta do something, Timmy. The blitz is on me, and I remember that pitching to Volquez was the idea. What happens next is a throw in a strictly technical sense, I guess: one hand at the ball, one hand on the tail, and I just kind of shove it sideways.

Volquez has it in the flat, and then she plants her feet. An Ottawa cornerback has peeled off his assignment to engage her, but the two are just sort of circling each other. Volquez is brandishing the jav-ball (maybe that's what it's called?) like a sword, ball out. Ottawa takes a step he shouldn't. She winds up and smacks him in the side of the helmet, then pulls up and hits him again on the far side of his face mask. She's won some space, and she goes sprinting down the line.

Another REDBLACK has put himself in Volquez's way, and this time, it's scarier. She's still carrying the jav-ball, like Babe Ruth when he hit one over the fence and forgot to drop the bat. Now his feet are flat. He sees an opportunity. Most times, a player running with jav out slows the runner down, makes the runner vulnerable. A defender has a better chance of smacking that ball out.

She's spinning away from him � ohhhhh God, no, she isn't. She's winding this up like a hammer throw. As the spin turns away from the defender, he uses the instant to attack. He isn't fast enough.

She swings back around, and the ball crunches him in the gut. A couple seconds and eight yards later, she's been shoved out of bounds. That poor sucker is the latest of the too-slow men and women of the CFL who thought they might gently caress with Nereida Volquez. They usually end up catching their breaths on the ground, not because they've been outrun, but because they just took one to the gut, and were then outrun.

Right now I don't know any of that, and Hall assures me that it's a legal move, both in a "rule book" sort of way and a "nobody's calling the cops" sort of way. In the huddle, Volquez is wincing and looking back at the guy. He's on all fours, and has not bothered to remove his helmet before vomiting through it.

Mitchell. God, you hosed him up, Ne.

Volquez. I mean, I really didn't mean to gently caress him up so hard. But it's like he tried me and I had to let him know.

Timmy, see, the folks that been around, we got an understanding. They let me pick up two or three, cut out of bounds, everybody's cool and it's good. He's a rookie, though, and poo poo, he's gotta know. Plus! It's good for the planet.

Mitchell. What, throw-up? Throw-up ain't good for the planet.

Volquez. Yeah it is. Think about it, it's organic.

Mitchell. That's stupid. You're fuckin' stupid.

Volquez. gently caress you.

Mitchell. We're inside, dumbfuck.

Volquez. gently caress you!

Discuss.

# ? Aug 19, 2014 20:59

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# ? Apr 25, 2024 17:02

Kibner: Oct 21, 2008; Acguy Supremacy

I have bookmarked this to read when I get home. I read bits and pieces of the first release as it was coming out.

# ? Aug 19, 2014 21:23

FeedingHam2Cats: Nov 10, 2009

it's the most important work of the 21st century

# ? Aug 19, 2014 23:44

Suspect Bucket: Jan 15, 2012; SHRIMPDOR WAS A MAN
I mean, HE WAS A SHRIMP MAN
er, maybe also A DRAGON
or possibly
A MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAM
BUT HE WAS STILL
SHRIMPDOR

The world may never know a finer piece of sports fiction. I'm terribly sorry, youth novelization of 'Air Bud', your time is over.

# ? Aug 19, 2014 23:51

MourningView: Sep 2, 2006; Is this Heaven?

Jon Bois is a really funny dude and it's cool that they just let him get as crazy and Jon Boisy as he wants to be.

# ? Aug 20, 2014 00:22

redneck nazgul: Apr 25, 2013

quote:

He punches his steering wheel with the base of his fist, and a digital voice says "THANKS."

This is the greatest thing I have read in this millennium.

# ? Aug 20, 2014 01:41

poly and open-minded: Nov 22, 2006; In BOD we trust

the part about the drake made me laugh thinking about it a day later

# ? Aug 20, 2014 02:08

Slate Action: Feb 13, 2012; by exmarx

I completely lost it at 'GAME OVER PLEASE.'

# ? Aug 20, 2014 03:42

Akbar: Nov 22, 2004; Hubba-
Hubba.

I'm really glad this thread is here because the work deserves to be discussed and my posts in the N/V weren't getting any traction at all. Thanks, axeil. You're still one of the good guys :hf:

I've got to say my favorite moment was getting to the end of chapter 4, as they've just trekked all the way to the northern canadian coast after over a decade of open play, and being amazed that there were still somehow two full chapters to go. The City stuff kind of threw me for a bit but I adored chapter 5 when they're getting ready to fight the legions of pissed off maritimers in order to get to Greenland on their Dark Ages aircraft carrier. Just to write that string of words into a sentence is delightful.

# ? Aug 20, 2014 05:52

Hizawk: Jun 18, 2004; High on the Lions.

This is pretty accurate about Canada. The wobbly table is a thing that exists at every restaurant.

# ? Aug 20, 2014 11:33

wheez the roux: Aug 2, 2004; THEY SHOULD'VE GIVEN IT TO LYNCH

Death to the Seahawks. Death to Seahawks posters.

Jav out

# ? Aug 20, 2014 12:03

axeil: Feb 14, 2006

I just got to the part with the 1,000 pt font. It's like something Darren Rovell would think up.

quote:

I'd like to take you aside for a moment, reader, if you ever exist at all.

You may have noticed that I've been typing "REDBLACKS" in all-caps throughout this story. You see, the Ottawa football franchise was founded in 2014, right around when the scourge of corporate branding was at its worst. In order for their brand to stand apart, the team made a request to the media: stylize our entire name in upper-case. It's a gauche idea and a completely ridiculous thing to ask of journalists. I'm sure you can find the press release on the Internet somewhere. It's just absurd. I'm only honoring their request in this memoir because I think it's funny.

Emboldened by ... themselves, I suppose, the REDBLACKS went even further. In official team documents and correspondence, "REDBLACKS" must be stylized in a 1,000-pt font size. And that, on this day, is how this Speaker of the House of Commons has found himself with tens of thousands of unnecessary pages, almost none of them readable.

Speaker: A thousand-point font. And you did this why?

REDBLACK: Gotta protect our brand, m'man. All branding. In today's social media world, you gotta stand out, you gotta engage with people. This is just engagement. Engagement, m'man.

# ? Aug 20, 2014 15:15

Kalli: Jun 2, 2001

I don't know why I keep putting off reading this, Breaking Madden and the Doomsday NBA articles were some of the hardest I've laughed in years

# ? Aug 20, 2014 15:55

Rasczak: Mar 30, 2005

I put off reading it because holy poo poo that's a lot of words about Tim Tebow, but it was totally worth it

# ? Aug 20, 2014 16:08

axeil: Feb 14, 2006

Rasczak posted:

I put off reading it because holy poo poo that's a lot of words about Tim Tebow, but it was totally worth it

It's not really even about Tim Tebow. It's transcendent.

It's about life.

It's about all of us.

# ? Aug 20, 2014 16:18

GNU Order: Feb 28, 2011; That's a paddlin'

As soon as they went bound-for-street I knew this story was going to be the Frog Fractions of NFL fanfic. Phoneposting ATM but if you haven't played Frog Fractions you should.

What I wasn't expecting was how goddamned long it was. I didn't finish it all, but I feel like the initial fun and allure really died down around the 5th chapter, when they found the boat.

There's still time for the finale to bring it back in, though.

# ? Aug 20, 2014 17:41

axeil: Feb 14, 2006

GNU Order posted:

As soon as they went bound-for-street I knew this story was going to be the Frog Fractions of NFL fanfic. Phoneposting ATM but if you haven't played Frog Fractions you should.

What I wasn't expecting was how goddamned long it was. I didn't finish it all, but I feel like the initial fun and allure really died down around the 5th chapter, when they found the boat.

There's still time for the finale to bring it back in, though.

The finale is really something. The best part is probably the pirate attack by Halifax.

# ? Aug 20, 2014 17:52

Freaquency: May 10, 2007; "Yes I can hear you, I don't have ear cancer!"

The part about Todd Peterson despondently practicing his kicks alone in the woods with a homemade net had me in tears.

# ? Aug 20, 2014 18:05

The Puppy Bowl: Jan 31, 2013; A dog, in the house.

*woof*

Internet gentlemen, I am wordless. I have no words. Still, I must somehow convey the joy Jon Bois has brought me.

The Tim Tebow CFL Chronicles ... is a good thing.

# ? Aug 20, 2014 18:26

Basil Hayden: Oct 9, 2012; 1921!

MourningView posted:

Jon Bois is a really funny dude and it's cool that they just let him get as crazy and Jon Boisy as he wants to be.

The other SBNation guy who described it as "the most Jon Bois thing ever" really wasn't kidding.

I feel like it started to wane a little bit towards the end, but I was still in tears most of the time I was reading it. It's not going to be like Death of Basketball where I can link it to people who don't care about sports at all and then they're dying of laughter fifteen minutes later, but it's still pretty impressive for what it is.

# ? Aug 20, 2014 19:46

Huxley: Oct 10, 2012; Grimey Drawer

I also just finished this and was super glad a thread exists for me to say it was amazing.

Drake was the funniest part, but this one line right at the end slayed me for some reason:

quote:

Tebow.
Y'all must have despaired.

# ? Aug 20, 2014 22:01

Recursive: Jul 15, 2006; ... but then again, who does?

Jesus, that was awesome.

The DanteHallDoubleWolfJuke.gif coupled with "They hit each other head-on, and both of them hit the snow like a bag of hammers." was amazing.

# ? Aug 21, 2014 01:13

axeil: Feb 14, 2006

I combined the two gifs of the first major JAV OUT throw.

Enjoy.

edit:

I just noticed now that he ends the throw in the Tebow kneel stance.

axeil fucked around with this message at 02:08 on Aug 21, 2014

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:04

Danny LaFever: Dec 29, 2008; Grimey Drawer

The story was very good but Tebow in the CFL could be a real thing and I'm sad it isn't.

Same with Jemarcus.

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:22

Suspect Bucket: Jan 15, 2012; SHRIMPDOR WAS A MAN
I mean, HE WAS A SHRIMP MAN
er, maybe also A DRAGON
or possibly
A MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAM
BUT HE WAS STILL
SHRIMPDOR

I think we should stick to a rule when posting about events that happen in the Chronicles. For every event that really happens in the writing, you must make up another completely bullshit one to marvel at. Just for spoilers sake.

I found Johnny Manziel's country gospel singing career hilarious. I wish they had followed up more on Ochocinco after the wolf/snow machine laser battle. The thousand year old aircraft carrier was a little confusing. The Las Vegas Posse were severely underrated in their ability to fight sand golems. I had never known about the practical and tactical applications of meteor strikes in Canada.

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:50

Xerol: Jan 13, 2007

I wonder if this was meant to be a hint from the author?

quote:

Tebow.

You know something? I bet this would make a great video game. Like, all of this. They've already got tons of video games with these huge open worlds, right? Well, just take one of those and drop in a bunch of football players and a ball. You wouldn't need get any league licenses or anything like that. Someone should do that.

I would totally play that game.

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:51

Slate Action: Feb 13, 2012; by exmarx

Roflex posted:

I wonder if this was meant to be a hint from the author?

I would totally play that game.

I feel like you could get pretty close to this with Skyrim and a few mods. It wouldn't be multiplayer, though.

You could probably roleplay a Bound For Street game in Day Z or something similar.

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:54

Suspect Bucket: Jan 15, 2012; SHRIMPDOR WAS A MAN
I mean, HE WAS A SHRIMP MAN
er, maybe also A DRAGON
or possibly
A MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAM
BUT HE WAS STILL
SHRIMPDOR

Slate Action posted:

I feel like you could get pretty close to this with Skyrim and a few mods. It wouldn't be multiplayer, though.

You could probably roleplay a Bound For Street game in Day Z or something similar.

Hell, you could probably do it in a Minecraft map. Have the stadium open up onto a somewhat faithful recreation of Toronto, full of Townspeople, have a few Zombies and Endermen as REDBLACKS. Escape the city and into a randomly generated landscape. Snowballs modded into Jav In, find some way to make pickaxes into some kind of rocketcrowbar that have a crazy ranged attack alt-fire for Jav Out. 6 person co-op.

# ? Aug 21, 2014 03:19

Xerol: Jan 13, 2007

Suspect Bucket posted:

Hell, you could probably do it in a Minecraft map. Have the stadium open up onto a somewhat faithful recreation of Toronto, full of Townspeople, have a few Zombies and Endermen as REDBLACKS. Escape the city and into a randomly generated landscape. Snowballs modded into Jav In, find some way to make pickaxes into some kind of rocketcrowbar that have a crazy ranged attack alt-fire for Jav Out. 6 person co-op.

I have no interest whatsoever in minecraft but I'd buy it if someone did this.

# ? Aug 21, 2014 05:05

axeil: Feb 14, 2006

Roflex posted:

I wonder if this was meant to be a hint from the author?

I would totally play that game.

As long as we get Anthony Calvillo's Field Position Football first. :colbert:

Also, I have to say I didn't really enjoy the part where they crossed the north pole using icebergs while the team from Nunavet pursued them. The rocket ship into space part was much more enjoyable.

# ? Aug 21, 2014 05:15

Suspect Bucket: Jan 15, 2012; SHRIMPDOR WAS A MAN
I mean, HE WAS A SHRIMP MAN
er, maybe also A DRAGON
or possibly
A MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAM
BUT HE WAS STILL
SHRIMPDOR

axeil posted:

As long as we get Anthony Calvillo's Field Position Football first.

Also, I have to say I didn't really enjoy the part where they crossed the north pole using icebergs while the team from Nunavet pursued them.

Same, but only because my DeVry degree in Oceanography and Marine Phoisics tells me the expected flow pattern runs completely counter to estimated values. Here, I have a highly detailed and colorful chart.

Throw it down field. We are Argonauts.

# ? Aug 21, 2014 06:11

kidcoelacanth: Sep 23, 2009

Wow that went from extremely funny to bizarrely philosophic. Or maybe I'm just in a bit of a weird state, finishing it at 3 AM.

Fantastic work.

# ? Aug 21, 2014 07:58

FeedingHam2Cats: Nov 10, 2009

The best part was Troy Smith, imo

# ? Aug 21, 2014 17:03

MourningView: Sep 2, 2006; Is this Heaven?

Danny LaFever posted:

The story was very good but Tebow in the CFL could be a real thing and I'm sad it isn't.

The league isn't actually a great fit for the few football things he's, uh, good at. Plus he's making way more on TV now.

# ? Aug 21, 2014 17:06

LobsterMobster: Oct 29, 2009; "I was being quiet and trying to be a good boy but he dialed the right combination to open the throw-down vault and it was on."

"Walter Foxx is ten times brighter than your bulb at the bottom of the tree merry xmas"

Jon Bois is basically the funniest person on the internet and it's a shame he won't be getting a billion dollars for this because it is fantastic.

# ? Aug 21, 2014 17:43

Rooster Brooster: Mar 30, 2001; Maybe it doesn't really matter anymore.

LobsterMobster posted:

Jon Bois is basically the funniest person on the internet and it's a shame he won't be getting a billion dollars for this because it is fantastic.

I now want Jon Bois to write a Jon Bois fanfic where he gets paid a billion dollars for the TT Chronicles and decides to build an 800,000 person CFL stadium with the cash and then reality itself starts to break down and the end of the story is somehow the beginning of the movie Synecdoche, New York.

# ? Aug 21, 2014 18:27

LobsterMobster: Oct 29, 2009; "I was being quiet and trying to be a good boy but he dialed the right combination to open the throw-down vault and it was on."

"Walter Foxx is ten times brighter than your bulb at the bottom of the tree merry xmas"

Rooster Brooster posted:

I now want Jon Bois to write a Jon Bois fanfic where he gets paid a billion dollars for the TT Chronicles and decides to build an 800,000 person CFL stadium with the cash and then reality itself starts to break down and the end of the story is somehow the beginning of the movie Synecdoche, New York.

I think he'd spend a billion dollars on really focus-grouping his sandwich shop.

# ? Aug 21, 2014 20:05

General Dog: Apr 26, 2008; Everybody's working for the weekend

I wish he'd worked in the NCAA colony somehow, but I guess it works better as a standalone anyway.

# ? Aug 22, 2014 00:36

Danny LaFever: Dec 29, 2008; Grimey Drawer

MourningView posted:

The league isn't actually a great fit for the few football things he's, uh, good at. Plus he's making way more on TV now.

Counter-point Jemarcus Russel - Made to gun sling and pretty much doing nothing.

# ? Aug 22, 2014 18:14

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# ? Apr 25, 2024 17:02

kidcoelacanth: Sep 23, 2009

I've spent most of tonight, when I have a job interview tomorrow, reading Bois' work because of this thread. This man is god's gift to humor and I'm so mad I've never heard of him before this.

# ? Aug 25, 2014 06:35

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