What do you think is the perfect crime?

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > What do you think is the perfect crime?

Seth Pecksniff: May 27, 2004; can't believe shrek is fucking dead. rip to a real one.

Committing all the crimes at once. The cops won't know what to charge you with, so you can use that confusion to escape!

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:19

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 27, 2024 02:47

Lowtax: Nov 16, 1999; by Skyl3lazer

chaosbreather posted:

Printing supernotes I think is probably the perfect crime. The only reason they even know about one of the supernote operations is because they introduced a defect on purpose so the forgers wouldn't get it confused with real money. That's crazy. I guess the trick with counterfeiting is always to trade them for poo poo but if they're that good you can probably put them in a bank or whatever and no-one would ever know. Man you have to be crazy good to make a supernote though and if you're that could probably could more money doing something legal? I don't know, maybe not, there really isn't much call for super high end engravers or whatever any more.

Street art is a pretty cool crime because if you're Banksy then you actually end up making the wall worth more than it was when you got there, so if they try and prove you devalued their wall you can say nuh I valued it, I'm going to sue your wall for defacing my art.

Being a psychic (or a priest or whatever) is a realllly good crime because you can lie about whatever you want and make your marks believe what you're saying and make them give you all their money for a chance at talking to their dead relatives (or make them go to heaven or whatever) but you've got this huuuge magic asterix over your thing going FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY and you're golden.

ok but have you thought about throwing a bean at a dog

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:19

not snarky: Jul 29, 2008

Lowtax posted:

ok but have you thought about throwing a bean at a dog

animal cruelty

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:21

Wrestlepig: Feb 25, 2011; my mum says im cool; Toilet Rascal

if payday 2 is any indication, robbing a bank while armed with heavy machine guns and a circular saw in disguise as a business clown.

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:21

fuccboi: Jan 5, 2004; by zen death robot

You rape a girl and then encase her in concrete and then dump the concrete block into the marianas trench (sp?)

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:23

bigzak: Aug 15, 2003

using an extra icing in the toaster strudel box

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:24

Seth Pecksniff: May 27, 2004; can't believe shrek is fucking dead. rip to a real one.

Slipknot Hoagie posted:

You rape a girl and then encase her in concrete and then dump the concrete block into the marianas trench (sp?)

Thats been done before (without the marianas) and yeah that didn't work out for those people

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:24

Lowtax: Nov 16, 1999; by Skyl3lazer

I guess stealing a base during a baseball game would be the perfect crime because stealing is illegal yet its accepted in the fine sport of baseball.

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:25

Dexters Secret: Jun 19, 2014

shooting someone with a bullet made out of their own frozen blood

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:25

Topographic Nap: Apr 22, 2007

After you are long retired from the NFL you cut the head off of your wife and kill her boyfriend

Topographic Nap fucked around with this message at 02:33 on Aug 21, 2014

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:25

Waltzing Along: Jun 14, 2008; There's only one
Human race
Many faces
Everybody belongs here

Does marriage count? If so, lots of women are criminals.

Divorce would count if the husband wasn't so happy.

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:26

Chris James 2: Aug 9, 2012

Lowtax posted:

I guess stealing a base during a baseball game would be the perfect crime because stealing is illegal yet its accepted in the fine sport of baseball.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGZUKHtW7vg

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:28

Nigmaetcetera: Nov 17, 2004; borkborkborkmorkmorkmork-gabbalooins

masturbating in a confession booth. the priest is prohibited by his god from turning you in and i think it would probably be inadmissible in court if he did tell on you. i guess you could do anything illegal in a confession booth as long as you confessed to it in realtime.

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:28

Khanstant: Apr 5, 2007

rape yourself, the victim can't go to the cops without throwing themselves under the bus

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:29

the Gaffe: Jul 4, 2011; you gotta believe dawg

giving money to an incompetent hotdog man so that he can create a failed business that leads to his suicide.

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:30

Dexters Secret: Jun 19, 2014

Waltzing Along posted:

Does marriage count? If so, lots of women are criminals.

Divorce would count if the husband wasn't so happy.

Step 1. Have no stuff.
Step 2. Marry someone.
Step 3. Divorce them and take half their stuff.

The perfect crime.

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:30

FartRomancer.EXE: Jun 26, 2012

what if i kill a guy but i wear gloves so there's no fingerprints

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:30

Shelf Adventure: Jul 18, 2006; I'm down with that brother

Stealing the hearts of every woman in America.

Seriously, give them back.

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:31

chaosbreather: Dec 9, 2001; Wry and wise,
but also very sexual.

Lowtax posted:

ok but have you thought about throwing a bean at a dog

all the time but

could leave sauce stain on dog for csi
most parks have security cameras
dogs have tracking chips, maybe bean sensors?
dog could be robot dog, which doesn't feel pain nor eat bean, no way to tell pre-throw (also bean sensors deffo)

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:31

ChickenHeart: Nov 28, 2007; Take me at your own risk.; Kiss From a Hog

Eating an entire blimp.

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:31

Dexters Secret: Jun 19, 2014

FartRomancer.EXE posted:

what if i kill a guy but i wear gloves so there's no fingerprints

a good start, but if you want to be really hardcore get rid of all your body hair and all your skin

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:31

Wrestlepig: Feb 25, 2011; my mum says im cool; Toilet Rascal

FartRomancer.EXE posted:

what if i kill a guy but i wear gloves so there's no fingerprints

you'll have to wear shoes too to hide footprints

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:32

Shelf Adventure: Jul 18, 2006; I'm down with that brother

Loitering.

But not in a park or a beach. Loitering right under one of those no loitering signs.

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:32

Shelf Adventure: Jul 18, 2006; I'm down with that brother

Parking.

But not at the park or the beach. Parking right under one of those no parking signs.

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:33

Ruggan: Feb 20, 2007; WHAT THAT SMELL LIKE?!

Umm

TOILETLORD posted:

Lowtax posted:

cram it, toilet lord

You goddamn username thief

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:34

TOILETLORD: Nov 13, 2012; by XyloJW

create and then controlling IRS, and fed.

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:34

Smokey: Feb 8, 2008

that crime when you take something whats not yours

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:35

Lowtax: Nov 16, 1999; by Skyl3lazer

Ruggan posted:

Umm

You goddamn username thief

I was the one who renamed him that!

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:35

SpeedGem: Sep 19, 2012; by Ralp

Lowtax posted:

Okay this has to be a REAL CRIME, not "oh charging $10 for a forum har de har har."

I think this is the perfect crime: throwing a bean at a dog. Because think about it, you hit the dog and then it eats the evidence. You just committed animal cruelty and the dog makes sure there's nothing to prove you did it (you would have to do it in the dark or in a field or an island or somewhere people won't see you).

I don't think there is a more perfect crime than this, but you can try to prove me wrong.

doom hose 2

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:36

Ruggan: Feb 20, 2007; WHAT THAT SMELL LIKE?!

Some rascal on a segway called me a kyanka when I was foot stomping grapes on the mountain

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:36

GuyinCognito: Nov 26, 2008; by Ralp

shooting black people if you are a cop

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:38

Ruggan: Feb 20, 2007; WHAT THAT SMELL LIKE?!

GuyinCognito posted:

shooting black people if you are a cop

Haha yea man original joke congrats

I'm gay

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:39

SpeedGem: Sep 19, 2012; by Ralp

Lowtax posted:

I was the one who renamed him that!

doom hose 3, make number 2 a bitch

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:40

Joust: Dec 7, 2007; No Ledges.

Put a lollypop up your butt, then unwrap the top and sell them as 'ready-to-go-suckers'.

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:41

Cannonballoon: Jul 25, 2007

putting "hammertime" stickers on stop signs, this is a two-fold crime

1) it is technically defacing government property, which is illegal but the risk of getting caught is almost nil
2) its not very funny, which is a comedy crime

also I just committed a posting crime by me posting

# ? Aug 21, 2014 02:48