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barfoid 4
Aug 21, 2014

by XyloJW
Funnier than GBS and even fyad.

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Ziggy Smalls
May 24, 2008

If pain's what you
want in a man,
Pain I can do
Tell me all about him please.

fivethree
Jul 28, 2014

barfoid 4 posted:

Funnier than GBS and even fyad.

same

Afro Doug
Aug 10, 2007

sorry. i refuse to read a book by someone who said the n-word.

ilikedirt
Oct 15, 2004

king of posting
a cunnecticut yankee in king arthurs..... basketball court

Narciss
Nov 29, 2004

by Cowcaster

barfoid 4 posted:

Funnier than GBS and even fyad.

Don't let them hear you say that. :tinfoil: The dying pink forum uses every last breath in its dying body to counter claims of irrelevancy.

Big Bowie Bonanza
Dec 30, 2007

please tell me where i can date this cute boy

Afro Doug posted:

sorry. i refuse to read a book by someone who said the n-word.

agreed i was told to read the adventures of huckleberry finn and i was not given adequate trigger warnings and i have been campaigning to get this banned from schools

Morkyz
Aug 6, 2013
Imo he has a tendency in his fiction to tell rather than show, but he's still a pretty good storyteller imo.

MegaGatts
Dec 12, 2004

The Enteroctopus dofleini, also known as the giant Pacific octopus (GPO) or North Pacific giant octopus, is a large marine cephalopod belonging to the phylum Mollusca and is tripping balls.
I unironically loved it when he defended the rein of terror. gently caress the monarchies.

Morkyz
Aug 6, 2013

MegaGatts posted:

I unironically loved it when he defended the rein of terror. gently caress the monarchies.

Same, also unironically.

Waltzing Along
Jun 14, 2008

There's only one
Human race
Many faces
Everybody belongs here
f*** u op

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

Silent Majority
The Don
LORD COMMANDER OF THE UKRAINIAN ARMED FORCES
might i press you for some pull-quotes, op

BONE DOG
Jun 7, 2009

by Fluffdaddy
He was cool and challenged southern convention which was largely bigoted and backward at the time and still is

The Taint Reaper
Sep 4, 2012

by Shine
His Joan of Arc book owned.

Like really not a ton of people know that Samuel Clemens wrote and researched a big rear end Joan of Arc book, but he did and it is a very good read.

MegaGatts
Dec 12, 2004

The Enteroctopus dofleini, also known as the giant Pacific octopus (GPO) or North Pacific giant octopus, is a large marine cephalopod belonging to the phylum Mollusca and is tripping balls.
"THERE were two “Reigns of Terror,” if we would but remember it and consider it; the one wrought murder in hot passion, the other in heartless cold blood; the one lasted mere months, the other had lasted a thousand years; the one inflicted death upon ten thousand persons, the other upon a hundred millions; but our shudders are all for the “horrors” of the minor Terror, the momentary Terror, so to speak; whereas, what is the horror of swift death by the axe, compared with lifelong death from hunger, cold, insult, cruelty, and heart-break? What is swift death by lightning compared with death by slow fire at the stake? A city cemetery could contain the coffins filled by that brief Terror which we have all been so diligently taught to shiver at and mourn over; but all France could hardly contain the coffins filled by that older and real Terror—that unspeakably bitter and awful Terror which none of us has been taught to see in its vastness or pity as it deserves."

Animal-Mother
Feb 14, 2012

RABBIT RABBIT
RABBIT RABBIT
Mark Twain was the loving man.

Narciss
Nov 29, 2004

by Cowcaster

The Taint Reaper posted:

Like really not a ton of people know that Samuel Clemens wrote and researched a big rear end Joan of Arc book, but he did and it is a very good read.

Methinks thou art in the wrong thread.[/Mark Twain southern accent]

Big Bowie Bonanza
Dec 30, 2007

please tell me where i can date this cute boy
why do people always try to post about their pet favorite author's stupid books in a thread about someone else

Big Beef City
Aug 15, 2013

I liked reading books when I was in sixth grade then laughing about them in high school too, OP.

Morkyz
Aug 6, 2013

The Taint Reaper posted:

His Joan of Arc book owned.

Like really not a ton of people know that Samuel Clemens wrote and researched a big rear end Joan of Arc book, but he did and it is a very good read.

gently caress you hipster

YOU A FUCKING HAT
Jun 7, 1979

I CAN'T BE STOPPED OR REASONED WITH



Innocents Abroad was unabashedly hilarious.

"Is...is he dead?"

shiksa
Nov 9, 2009

i went to one of these wrestling shows and it was... honestly? frickin boring. i wanna see ricky! i want to see his gold chains and respect for the ftw lifestyle
truly america's greatest author should be the guy who used racial slurs to name characters

Egbert Souse
Nov 6, 2008

Twain used the n-word for irony.

Not that anyone ever does that here.

















:rolleyes:

Aves Maria!
Jul 26, 2008

Maybe I'll drown

FordPRefectLL posted:

why do people always try to post about their pet favorite author's stupid books in a thread about someone else

You're joking right

YOU A FUCKING HAT
Jun 7, 1979

I CAN'T BE STOPPED OR REASONED WITH



420DD Butts posted:

You're joking right

If joking, low effort troll, 2/10
If not, pretty funny

I have that Joan of Arc book, it was pretty good.

Dead Precedents
May 5, 2005

Precedents come and go, but death goes on forever.
Twain owned.

"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it."

"God created war so that Americans would learn geography."

"Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about."

“I haven't any right to criticize books, and I don't do it except when I hate them. I often want to criticize Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can't conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. Every time I read Pride and Prejudice I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.”

:drat:

Dieting Hippo
Jan 5, 2006

THIS IS NOT A PROPER DIET FOR A HIPPO

Dead Precedents posted:

“I haven't any right to criticize books, and I don't do it except when I hate them. I often want to criticize Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can't conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. Every time I read Pride and Prejudice I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.”

same

naem
May 29, 2011

mookface posted:

He was cool and challenged southern convention which was largely bigoted and backward at the time and still is

He lived during a particularly ridiculous and overly serious period of history, it gave him some pretty great material to work with

Yivgev
May 19, 2004

i brought my +1 ak-47

unsure why you think mark twain was human being hilarious, op

nrook
Jun 25, 2009

Just let yourself become a worthless person!

Dead Precedents posted:

“I haven't any right to criticize books, and I don't do it except when I hate them. I often want to criticize Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can't conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. Every time I read Pride and Prejudice I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.”

inferior artists always harbor a certain resentment toward their superiors

Comfy Fleece Sweater
Apr 2, 2013

You see, but you do not observe.

Why would OP censor himself

weird

Julien Sorel
Jan 27, 2006

Voted Worst Marksman of 1830
i wonder why he hate austen so much. maybe because she was funnier than him

O.G.
Aug 7, 2006

http://www.sacred-texts.com/aor/twain/letearth.htm

*tips fedora*

Morkyz
Aug 6, 2013
Ever get a bit down when u realize all the hilarious and cool ppl from history are gone forever and will never get to post on gbs?

Comfy Fleece Sweater
Apr 2, 2013

You see, but you do not observe.

Morkyz posted:

Ever get a bit down when u realize all the hilarious and cool ppl from history are gone forever and will never get to post on gbs?

I'm still here bro

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

Silent Majority
The Don
LORD COMMANDER OF THE UKRAINIAN ARMED FORCES
jane austen was a p good authorette, not sure why the hate from otherwise-cool Twain man

TEAYCHES
Jun 23, 2002

mark twain owned

TEAYCHES
Jun 23, 2002

It was a time of great and exalting excitement. The country was up in arms, the war was on, in every breast burned the holy fire of patriotism; the drums were beating, the bands playing, the toy pistols popping, the bunched firecrackers hissing and spluttering; on every hand and far down the receding and fading spread of roofs and balconies a fulttering wilderness of flags flashed in the sun; daily the young volunteers marched down the wide avenue gay and fine in their new uniforms, the proud fathers and mothers and sisters and sweethearts cheering them with voices choked with happy emotion as they swung by; nightly the packed mass meetings listened, panting, to patriot oratory with stirred the deepest deeps of their hearts, and which they interrupted at briefest intervals with cyclones of applause, the tears running down their cheeks the while; in the churches the pastors preached devotion to flag and country, and invoked the God of Battles beseeching His aid in our good cause in outpourings of fervid eloquence which moved every listener.

It was indeed a glad and gracious time, and the half dozen rash spirits that ventured to disapprove of the war and cast a doubt upon its righteousness straightway got such a stern and angry warning that for their personal safety’s sake they quickly shrank out of sight and offended no more in that way.

Sunday morning came — next day the battalions would leave for the front; the church was filled; the volunteers were there, their young faces alight with martial dreams — visions of the stern advance, the gathering momentum, the rushing charge, the flashing sabers, the flight of the foe, the tumult, the enveloping smoke, the fierce pursuit, the surrender!

Then home from the war, bronzed heroes, welcomed, adored, submerged in golden seas of glory! With the volunteers sat their dear ones, proud, happy, and envied by the neighbors and friends who had no sons and brothers to send forth to the field of honor, there to win for the flag, or, failing, die the noblest of noble deaths. The service proceeded; a war chapter from the Old Testament was read; the first prayer was said; it was followed by an organ burst that shook the building, and with one impulse the house rose, with glowing eyes and beating hearts, and poured out that tremendous invocation:

God the all-terrible! Thou who ordainest,
Thunder thy clarion and lightning thy sword!

Then came the “long” prayer. None could remember the like of it for passionate pleading and moving and beautiful language. The burden of its supplication was, that an ever-merciful and benignant Father of us all would watch over our noble young soldiers, and aid, comfort, and encourage them in their patriotic work; bless them, shield them in the day of battle and the hour of peril, bear them in His mighty hand, make them strong and confident, invincible in the bloody onset; help them crush the foe, grant to them and to their flag and country imperishable honor and glory —

An aged stranger entered and moved with slow and noiseless step up the main aisle, his eyes fixed upon the minister, his long body clothed in a robe that reached to his feet, his head bare, his white hair descending in a frothy cataract to his shoulders, his seamy face unnaturally pale, pale even to ghastliness. With all eyes following him and wondering, he made his silent way; without pausing, he ascended to the preacher’s side and stood there waiting. With shut lids the preacher, unconscious of his presence, continued his moving prayer, and at last finished it with the words, uttered in fervent appeal, “Bless our arms, grant us the victory, O Lord and God, Father and Protector of our land and flag!”

The stranger touched his arm, motioned him to step aside — which the startled minister did — and took his place. During some moments he surveyed the spellbound audience with solemn eyes, in which burned an uncanny light; then in a deep voice he said:

“I come from the Throne — bearing a message from Almighty God!” The words smote the house with a shock; if the stranger perceived it he gave no attention. “He has heard the prayer of His servant your shepherd, and will grant it if such be your desire after I, His messenger, shall have explained to you its import — that is to say, its full import. For it is like unto many of the prayers of men, in that it asks for more than he who utters it is aware of — except he pause and think. “God’s servant and yours has prayed his prayer. Has he paused and taken thought? Is it one prayer? No, it is two — one uttered, and the other not. Both have reached the ear of Him who heareth all supplications, the spoken and the unspoken. Ponder this — keep it in mind. If you would beseech a blessing upon yourself, beware! lest without intent you invoke a curse upon your neighbor at the same time. If you pray for the blessing of rain on your crop which needs it, by that act you are possibly praying for a curse on some neighbor’s crop which may not need rain and can be injured by it.

“You have heard your servant’s prayer — the uttered part of it. I am commissioned by God to put into words the other part of it — that part which the pastor — and also you in your hearts — fervently prayed silently. And ignorantly and unthinkingly? God grant that it was so! You heard the words ‘Grant us the victory, O Lord our God!’ That is sufficient. The whole of the uttered prayer is compact into those pregnant words. Elaborations were not necessary. When you have prayed for victory you have prayed for many unmentioned results which follow victory — must follow it, cannot help but follow it. Upon the listening spirit of God fell also the unspoken part of the prayer. He commandeth me to put it into words. Listen!

“Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth into battle — be Thou near them! With them — in spirit — we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with their little children to wander unfriended in the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames in summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it —

For our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimmage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet!

We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.


(After a pause.) “Ye have prayed it; if ye still desire it, speak! The messenger of the Most High waits.”



It was believed afterward that the man was a lunatic, because there was no sense in what he said.

Action Yak
Nov 9, 2008

Afro Doug posted:

sorry. i refuse to read a book.

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FAGGY CLAUSE
Apr 9, 2011

by FactsAreUseless
a connecticut yankee in king arthurs court is the best time travel novel

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