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Hey gang. Sorry if this is something that's been asked before, I couldn't find anything on the site. Or the internet for that matter. I've been trying to find solutions to it since yesterday, and it's... Augh. Maybe I should start with my problem. I asked a girl out yesterday, 10/10 girl - I almost threw up when I asked her, despite the fact that we're good friends, that's how nervous I was. I mentioned it was a date and she was still down for it. I'm freaking out and stressing out, though. I'm really worried about a bunch of stuff, like "what if it's a pity date?" or "what if I choke or offend her and she leaves?" I mean none of it's really sensible, I'm a socially adept guy, I'm 18, in college full-time, and I'm studying to be an EMT on the side. I'm rather handsome and I exercise regularly and am in very good health. I dress well, I eat well, I brush, floss, and wash, and I'm a very very confident person. I really have a lot going for me and objectively I think I'm probably a very attractive prospect to even the finest baddest babies. I'm usually very flirty and walk with a nice stride and all that naturally, but for the past 28 hours it's felt like I've been forcing my usually natural demeanor. Internally I'm an absolute mess. Maybe a few more details will help me out... So I initially approached her after my lunch break (we work in the same grocery store, but different departments so it's not weird; she's a cashier and I'm a produce clerk. I bought some Muscle Milk powder because I was running low and I thought it would make me look cooler. I was already nervous as gently caress at this point, so it hadn't really occurred to me that that was a pretty dumb idea, and I was either going to come off as obvious and corny, or she would be totally oblivious to it. I asked her to a festival this Sunday in a very smooth and suave manner, with my hands creating earthquakes in China under the counter. I even dropped my credit card and just left it there until some dude behind me picked it up and gave it to me. Dude was chill about it too, like he didn't make a scene cuz he could see I was trying to put the moves on her. Anyway, she said she was going to some country concert and my not-working-right brain immediately jumped to "she must not be into me" mode. I approached my buddy Noel whom I'd told what I was going to do and filled him in, and he informed me she actually was a really big country music fan. Thank god for Noel. So I approached her after I got off work, casually and with a little less hand-shaking (because I was leaning on the counter this time). I asked her to Laser Tag and she was totally down for it. Swiggity swag I'm in the loving bag. Momentarily. My heart was racing after she said yes, as I coolly told her I would call her later and tell her when I was going to pick her up. I said it just like that too. God drat I have so much swag... But look see it was all in character, as in that's how I would normally behave (maybe a little more "romantic" than usual but hey) but it all felt forced. Like I was playing some role or putting on a mask while this timid little dude at a computer with lots of buttons and screens sort of frantically raced to put words and concepts together, analyzing body language and voice inflections, then reciprocating appropriately in a mad dash, ticking away at that computer as fast as he could, but it felt too slow. It was like it was really a command center with 50 stations, but everyone had gone out to lunch right before I asked her. Since then I've been analyzing every little thing, she texted me today telling me she had to write a paper for school and Little Dude sitting at the BadBrain Command Center interprets that as "oh god she's trying to let me down easy but I'm being a pushy neckbeard, I need to check my privilege and check out of life cuz this relationship is over and done with, the ship has set sail and I haven't even gotten out of bed yet!" I sent her a winky face in a text message. I think that's what killed it. But since I asked her out it's been a continuous panic attack. My chest is cramping, my breathing is strained, and my mind is full of worry. I can't even watch WWE with my buddy it's so unreal. I've tried tons of stuff to relax, but the date ends up on my mind again and my thoughts are going a billion light-years per millisecond. This is unreal, the physical pain rivals the pain I felt a few months ago before when I was super depressed and had to go back on my meds. I feel a little better just for ranting this out, but seriously I need help with the anxiety. Can anyone recommend any advanced relaxation techniques or even some medication? Because if this is any indication on how I'm going to be before dates - or at least first dates - from here on out, I'm going to need something to take the edge away. I have bi-polar depression, ADHD, and a highly addictive personality (I don't drink or smoke anymore, because I know I'll get hooked again and it was hell to quit) if that helps any. Sorry for the huge block of text, guise. But I do feel a little better. Thanks in advance.
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Sep 2, 2014 00:07
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This may not be E/N, but the time-honored advice tradition stands: You need a therapist.
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Sep 2, 2014 03:50
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So are you asking for advice, or telling us about your experience?
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Sep 2, 2014 04:27
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Are you on your meds? If not, get back on them. If they aren't helping, ask your doctor to try something else. Get therapy. Also, you are 18 and this date means pretty much nothing in the grand scheme of your life. Be yourself instead of trying to maintain some ideal of who you wish you were or used to be. Try to have fun with her as a friend. If it turns into more, then great. Do not refer to her in any of the gross ways you did in this thread.
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Sep 2, 2014 05:38
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There must be a hole in your swag tanks.
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Sep 2, 2014 07:17
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Lee King Wang posted:Swiggity swag I'm in the loving bag. Wall of text but I guess this quote made it worth reading. You know there was an average looking guy once, that went over to 100 girls and asked them point blank to sleep with him and one out of the hundred said yes. Now I'm not sure if this is an urban myth or not but the fact stands, if you try often enough for long enough you will at the very least increase your confidence. I know it's tough but the worst that can happen is that the date is horrible and then you just try again with another girl. Don't see failed dates as a complete failure , see them as a learning experience and a confidence builder for one day when you meet "THE" girl.
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Sep 2, 2014 09:52
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viewtyjoe posted:This may not be E/N, but the time-honored advice tradition stands: You need a therapist. lidnsya posted:Are you on your meds? If not, get back on them. If they aren't helping, ask your doctor to try something else. You guys are probably right, I really should get back into therapy. I haven't been in a while. I'm on my meds, been on them for a while, but maybe they just aren't working that well anymore or maybe I'm just worrying too much. And you're probably right. Future WWE Superstars probably never worry about dates, so why should I, future WWE World Heavyweight Champion worry? Thanks for the advice. Deadclown posted:Wall of text but I guess this quote made it worth reading. I've been hearing this advice a lot. I think there is probably a lot of truth in it then. Thank you for sharing, I guess I just need to stop worrying and keep trying if it doesn't work. Thanks a lot. Tibor posted:There must be a hole in your swag tanks. WHAT?! CALL THE ILLOOMINARTY QUICK MY JAYS ARE MELTING!
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Sep 2, 2014 13:03
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Lee King Wang posted:
Wow. Reading this makes me think of me and my first girlfriend. You gotta relax, the hard part is over with. She is actually going on a date with you. Everything after this point is just a matter of if you two like each other. You are putting a whole lot of pressure on yourself too. Keep in mind you may end up not liking her. A date is a two way street. All your focus is on her liking you or not, but there's still the fact that you may end up not liking her. Regardless if she's a 10 or not, if she spends the whole night talking about My Little Pony and you're not a Brony. You may look at her differently...
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Sep 2, 2014 13:40
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^^ Yeah, this is all spot on. She's going on a date with you, the hard part is over because you know she's interested. Just relax, play it cool, act like a normal non-autistic human and it'll go just fine.Deadclown posted:You know there was an average looking guy once, that went over to 100 girls and asked them point blank to sleep with him and one out of the hundred said yes. This worked for me about 70% of the time. I'm not fat or anything but I'm also not especially good looking. Girls want it just as much as you do, and as long as you aren't acting like a creeper they usually respond well to suggestions like this. You just gotta do it in a smooth way. Grab some drinks or dinner, make some small talk for like half an hour. Then raise one eyebrow, look at them quizzically, and say "we should probably go have sex, right?" Seriously it works way better than you'd think it would. I guess in your case you need to do whatever it takes to convince yourself that she truly does want to bang you/start a romantic relationship, but only if you chill the gently caress out. My biggest problem getting girls was that I was always second guessing my moves around them because I was unsure they liked me, and women pick up on that kind of poo poo. As soon as I realized "actually, I know these ladies like me," then I relaxed and everything came naturally. When the time was right, I'd just straight up be like "I think it's time we retire the the bedroom" and their face would light up. The worst that happens is they say they aren't ready for that yet, at which point you can just be like "Hey, no rush! I just really want to rock that body, but we can proceed at a pace you feel comfortable with." My current GF (was also a friend before we started dating!) wasn't quite ready yet, so I just said exactly that and by the next week we were sleeping together nightly. wilfredmerriweathr fucked around with this message at 14:13 on Sep 2, 2014 |
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Sep 2, 2014 13:56
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Dukeofdummies posted:Wow. Reading this makes me think of me and my first girlfriend. True, true. I've known her for a while so I guess I hadn't considered she might surprise me with something I can't deal with. That puts a new perspective on it. wilfredmerriweathr posted:^^ Yeah, this is all spot on. She's going on a date with you, the hard part is over because you know she's interested. Just relax, play it cool, act like a normal non-autistic human and it'll go just fine. So just chillax and be myself instead of trying to put on a show, right? Like, be genuine and transparent? I guess I should probably try that. Thanks for the info and help man. I'll try the stuff you said, and most of all try to just be me.
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Sep 2, 2014 15:46
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Lee King Wang posted:I bought some Muscle Milk powder because I was running low and I thought it would make me look cooler. Don't use props to ask a girl out. It's lame.
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Sep 2, 2014 17:43
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Console Role Player posted:Don't use props to ask a girl out. It's lame. This takes a ton of energy to keep up with. Don't be afraid to lose them either if your genuine side turns out to be something that clashes with their personality. That time is way better spent moving onto someone else than trying to save a sinking ship. Putting up artificial walls suck and it's no fun for either person. She picks up on it and you're trying to plug each hole in the wall that comes up terrified of what happens when she sees the real you, even though she's seen you the whole time.
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Sep 2, 2014 18:11
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Console Role Player posted:Don't use props to ask a girl out. It's lame. I know, BadBrain thought it was a good idea at the time. I realize how ridiculous it was now. Avocados posted:This takes a ton of energy to keep up with. Don't be afraid to lose them either if your genuine side turns out to be something that clashes with their personality. That time is way better spent moving onto someone else than trying to save a sinking ship. Well I mean I actually needed more Muscle Milk powder. I was running low, I work at a grocery store that sells it for a reasonable price. But I think I see what you guys are trying to say. You're saying that I need to be myself wholly without any crafted attributes for "wooing" her so that she and I both feel like we're being genuine with each other, right? Okay, I'll try to steer clear of artificial walls.
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Sep 2, 2014 18:26
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You are seriously overthinking this. Don't do anything except go and have a good time.
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Sep 2, 2014 18:54
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Okay, okay, you're right. It's just a game of Laser Tag and ice cream with a friend. I'm gonna be chill, not do anything stupid, and just try to have a good time. Thanks, Deadclown.
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Sep 2, 2014 19:59
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Laser tag seems really fun for a first date. If anything that's going to loosen you both up because its near impossible to be nervous when playing that. Good choice of venue.
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Sep 2, 2014 20:28
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Avocados posted:Laser tag seems really fun for a first date. If anything that's going to loosen you both up because its near impossible to be nervous when playing that. Good choice of venue. Ooh I forgot about that. Put all your energy into preparing to fend off waves of suicidal munchkins who are celebrating their 12th birthday party. Without a steady hand on the trigger you will be overrun. Remain calm!
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Sep 2, 2014 23:26
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Honestly you've probably hosed this one up already. But try to see the good side: she said yes to a date. In the future, don't worry about if its for pity or whatever because most girls don't do that (unless you're rich or something). If they say yes to going out on a date with you they likely mean it, usually before you even ask they've decided if they like you or not. Chill the gently caress out next time.
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Sep 2, 2014 23:53
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Avocados posted:Laser tag seems really fun for a first date. If anything that's going to loosen you both up because its near impossible to be nervous when playing that. Good choice of venue. Thanks, haha. I always avoid dinner-and-a-movie for the first date. I feel like it's better to opt for stuff like bowling or hiking or ice skating, or even to a museum. I think it leaves a better impression on the girl and makes her think you're a really cool fungi. Dukeofdummies posted:Ooh I forgot about that. Put all your energy into preparing to fend off waves of suicidal munchkins who are celebrating their 12th birthday party. And 13th - never forget about the 13-year-olds: The most awkward and annoying age to be and be around.
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Sep 2, 2014 23:54
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So how many days until your personal D-Day man? And are you feeling the least bit better?
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Sep 3, 2014 03:05
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No idea, she had to cancel for this week since she has a paper to write. I'm gonna get with her next week to try and figure out another time. I'm feeling a little better using relaxation techniques and distraction techniques, but BadBrain is still worried she canceled because she really didn't want to go. I'll probably ask her something like "Hey, sorry we couldn't make Laser Tag. Do you want to reschedule or just not go?" since I don't want to be the pushy guy, but I also want to make sure I'm not misreading her signs and she's just really really busy.
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Sep 3, 2014 11:14
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Lee King Wang posted:No idea, she had to cancel for this week since she has a paper to write. I'm gonna get with her next week to try and figure out another time. I'm feeling a little better using relaxation techniques and distraction techniques, but BadBrain is still worried she canceled because she really didn't want to go. I'll probably ask her something like "Hey, sorry we couldn't make Laser Tag. Do you want to reschedule or just not go?" since I don't want to be the pushy guy, but I also want to make sure I'm not misreading her signs and she's just really really busy. It's not up to you to make it easy for her to back out. Don't ask "Do you want to reschedule or just not go?". Phone her next week and ask if she is less busy now and whether you can reschedule.
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Sep 3, 2014 12:29
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I haven't read any of this but it's pretty clear whatever it is, you're overthinking it.
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Sep 3, 2014 13:15
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First dates are like job interviews, dude. You can't go into them thinking "OH GOD, WHAT IF I SAY THE WRONG THING?" It's a chance to see if you're right for each other (or an excuse to hook up, if that's what you're both looking for). If she's into you, she's going to want to impress you just as much as you want to impress her. So just relax and have fun - if you're not having fun, what the hell are you even doing asking out a friend (or being friends with someone) you don't have fun with? Edit: Don't be afraid to "interview" her as well. Find out more about her personally. Think about if she's a good match for you (again, assuming that this isn't just an excuse to hook up). Find out what she's looking for in a partner, and see if that aligns with what you're looking for. Don't be that guy in E/N who locked himself in his office overnight because his wife wanted to go all Jack Torrance on him with a strap-on. KillHour fucked around with this message at 15:50 on Sep 3, 2014 |
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Sep 3, 2014 15:45
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Deadclown posted:It's not up to you to make it easy for her to back out. Don't ask "Do you want to reschedule or just not go?". Phone her next week and ask if she is less busy now and whether you can reschedule. Lee King Wang posted:since I don't want to be the pushy guy
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Sep 3, 2014 17:34
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Thanks for all the advice guys, but I figured out it was early onset of a severe bout of depression, not the date. It may have accelerated it, but I think it was coming regardless. I'm likely going to check myself into a hospital so I can stay safe and not do anything stupid to myself. She's likely going to find out that I've done this. If she decides to still go out with me, congratulations Wang you've got a good gal. If not, oh well, she's not right for me. Manic-Depression is a part of me, and if I have to hide it from someone I'm going to be miserable with that person the entire time I'm with them. And what's the point of dating and having friends if not to enjoy yourself? Anyway, the advice here is absolutely invaluable and it has certainly helped me and I will keep it in mind in the future, and maybe it will even help someone else. Thanks.
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Sep 3, 2014 21:49
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Lee King Wang posted:Thanks for all the advice guys, but I figured out it was early onset of a severe bout of depression, not the date. It may have accelerated it, but I think it was coming regardless. I'm likely going to check myself into a hospital so I can stay safe and not do anything stupid to myself. She's likely going to find out that I've done this. If she decides to still go out with me, congratulations Wang you've got a good gal. If not, oh well, she's not right for me. Manic-Depression is a part of me, and if I have to hide it from someone I'm going to be miserable with that person the entire time I'm with them. And what's the point of dating and having friends if not to enjoy yourself? Anyway, the advice here is absolutely invaluable and it has certainly helped me and I will keep it in mind in the future, and maybe it will even help someone else. Thanks. Be prepared for disappointment. She has no real stake in this so sticking it out isn't likely.
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Sep 3, 2014 21:57
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She might, might not. Not to put her business out there, but her best friend committed suicide in May. I think she'll either have total empathy or she'll want to distance herself from that kind of situation again. Either way I think it will all work out.
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Sep 3, 2014 22:01
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The main thing my therapist told me is to remind myself that all these thoughts like "what if it's a pity date" or whatever are thoughts coming from inside you. You're projecting your own feelings about yourself onto other people. It takes a lot of practice and work to force yourself to change these habits, because thoughts like "this person doesn't like me" could be something you've thought so many times that it's just instantaneous. Like other people said, unless she's a crazy person then she is going to tell you she does not want to go on a date if she does not want to go on a date. I had this exact same sort of thing happen to me recently. Some chick I was gonna go hang out with told me practically last minute that she was gonna have to cancel, but we rescheduled and had a great time, and have hung out a few more times since then. People with poo poo like you have hopefully realize that they don't want to be a terrible burden on other people and are constantly worrying about it (that's what I do) and so really it comes off pretty well as long as you don't actively push people away based on assumptions you've made that come from that silly little part of you.
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Sep 3, 2014 22:09
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You're 18 and way over-thinking this. You haven't even been on the date yet. You can't possibly have any idea what she's thinking, and quite honestly, you shouldn't have any preconceived notions of your own. You may or may not need help/therapy, but that's really a side issue. What you need to recognize is that moving from friendship to dating is going to be foreign territory for each party. It will be odd. Hopefully it will be fun. It will likely be more odd than fun initially. You're so goddamn young right now you can practically blow up every relationship for the next decade and still pull your poo poo together and have a beautiful woman that's perfect for you for half of your life still. Just relax. Do what feels right. If it doesn't work out, move on to the next one. I know this probably sounds like some BS advice, but take it from someone almost exactly a decade older - things will work out man, I promise.
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Sep 4, 2014 04:28
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Lee King Wang posted:I know, BadBrain thought Hint: Don't say poo poo like this. Ever again if you can avoid it. Old enough to vote? Want to be treated like an adult? Try to express yourself like one. As for the rest of it, smoke a joint, have a beer, jerk off, play a video game - do whatever it is that you need to do to relax and stop over thinking poo poo for half an hour and then just go spend time with this person. Make sure your clothes are both clean and appropriate for where you're going. This means don't be a retard goon and wear some overly-fancy bullshit if you're going to grab a dinner and a movie, but don't wear jorts and a Star Wars T-shirt either.
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Sep 4, 2014 14:20
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Cyrano4747 posted:Hint: Don't say poo poo like this. Ever again if you can avoid it. Old enough to vote? Want to be treated like an adult? Try to express yourself like one. OP is going to go and check himself into a mental hospital and sounds like he's done it before. I don't think it's a wank-and-a-beer sort of a problem.
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Sep 4, 2014 18:38
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Filboid Studge posted:OP is going to go and check himself into a mental hospital and sounds like he's done it before. I don't think it's a wank-and-a-beer sort of a problem. Ah jesus yeah, I missed about a page of stuff somehow. Kind of feel like a dick about that then. Stay safe OP and get yourself taken care of.
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Sep 5, 2014 22:09
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LMAO
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Sep 6, 2014 19:20
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Do you have meds to treat your anxiety? That's intense.
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Sep 8, 2014 16:29
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Lee King Wang posted:Well I mean I actually needed more Muscle Milk powder. I was running low, I work at a grocery store that sells it for a reasonable price. But I think I see what you guys are trying to say. You're saying that I need to be myself wholly without any crafted attributes for "wooing" her so that she and I both feel like we're being genuine with each other, right? Okay, I'll try to steer clear of artificial walls. On a side note, Muscle Milk is a crappy dairy-based protein with lots of artificial sweeteners and additives. You want a whey protein, I prefer Optimum Nutrition double rich chocolate.
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Sep 9, 2014 18:03
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Lee King Wang posted:Thanks for all the advice guys, but I figured out it was early onset of a severe bout of depression, not the date. It may have accelerated it, but I think it was coming regardless. I'm likely going to check myself into a hospital so I can stay safe and not do anything stupid to myself. She's likely going to find out that I've done this. If she decides to still go out with me, congratulations Wang you've got a good gal. If not, oh well, she's not right for me. Manic-Depression is a part of me, and if I have to hide it from someone I'm going to be miserable with that person the entire time I'm with them. And what's the point of dating and having friends if not to enjoy yourself? Anyway, the advice here is absolutely invaluable and it has certainly helped me and I will keep it in mind in the future, and maybe it will even help someone else. Thanks. This is an awfully mature way to think about things, and to be honest most of your responses in the thread have been very reasonable and healthy. I think the idea that if she isn't interested in you because you have mental illness than that's not worth pursuing -- it won't be good for either of you. I think one of the things that I, and presumably other people, struggle with sometimes is the idea that if you've put yourself out there to ask someone out or w.e then it's automatically a bad thing if it doesn't work out. In reality, there's a lot of people who you shouldn't be dating. One thing that I might think about is whether or not there's a disconnect between your intellectualized understanding of how to act/what is a healthy way to relate to the world and your actual lived experience. Sometimes it can take a while for the latter to catch up to the former, and if I were you I might try and actively identify ways that you feel when your thinking becomes disorganized or you start to fall into the hypothetical anxieties that are no longer grounded in reality. Then acknowledge that it's your illness, not just a feeling, and find strategies to deal with it. Unfortunately, these things sometimes take time to deal with and I think there's some value t Anyway, it's really good that you're self-aware enough to check in to a hospital, hope it works out.
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Sep 10, 2014 01:48
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RIP ZEEZ
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foutre posted:cool words Thanks mate, and thanks to everyone in the thread. When I was in the clinic having my meds stabilized I had a bit of time to really think about a lot of this stuff. I really think I was just trying to use the date as an excuse to hook up with this girl, and I was lying to myself about it. I realized that honestly we don't have a lot in common. I'm politically liberal and I'm really into hip-hop and stuff, and she's a Republican and listens to hella country. She was supportive of me when I came out of the hospital and she still wanted to go on a date, but I explained to her I didn't think we were a really good match and she was fine staying friends. It all worked out really well in the end and I reaped some very valuable insight from this thread. Thank you all times a billion.
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Sep 11, 2014 21:58
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That is great news, I am happy that you are doing better. The right girl is bound to show up soon, so untill then, have a good time with your friend. Maybe even still go play laser tag, maybe just in a less of a date kind of way.
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Sep 11, 2014 22:38
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