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r/machinerightsBenedick Cuckold posted:"i don't know guys, do you think ripley's hot enough to be bangable as you drift through the cold reaches of space in a freighter for months on end with nothing to do and no other female contact of any kind for lightyears? i think she's kind of butch looking, 6 out of 10 at best. probably would not." You're starting to creep me out, dude. Just... you know... take it easy and try not to mouthrape anyone with a rolled up porn magazine or anything.
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Sep 2, 2014 19:00
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DeepQantas posted:r/machinerights It's a FEATURE not a BUG. JFC read the loving manual. This happens because all the idiot spaceship captains just click "next" over and over again while booting up their synthetics. Check the defaults jeez you only need to uncheck a checkbox how hard can it be.
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Sep 2, 2014 19:05
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There is no Ripley. Only Zuul.
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Sep 2, 2014 19:11
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hi i work for wyeland-yutanoi.
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Sep 2, 2014 19:21
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From: bghazi@LV122@weyland-yutani.com To: cborke@earth@weyland-yutani.com Subject: Your last message. Message: Hello sir, sorry to bother you about this, but I notice that your last mail to our Android 'Abe' that the rest of the crew was 'expendable' and if that any of us found out about whatever was happening in the locked lab that to 'eliminate us instantly'. We wonder if this is really neccessary as Abe is a series 2 Android and can be turned off by clapping, and we already know what is in the locked lab. Is it worth killing us over a bitcoin mining rig that is most likely leeching power from the company? As if you want, we can simply turn it off, and use the computers to play games on. They can be well used in the rec room. Yours, Third Level Neurolinguist Scientist Benjamin Ghazi.
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Sep 2, 2014 19:26
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Why do over 80% of the Alien creatures tell me they are gay at 9pm?
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Sep 2, 2014 19:29
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Maybe this plan will work the 50th time we try it.
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Sep 2, 2014 19:30
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I wonder if Bishop Weyland would have been a staunch bitcoin supporter
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Sep 2, 2014 19:32
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I'm going start this board of directors meeting with some bad news. Due to the 84 million credit class action settlement with the LV-426 colonists' next of kin, we're going to be slashing executive pay, canceling bonuses, and doing a round of layoffs. Hahahahahahahahahaha just kidding, we make twice that in a day. Man, you don't know how hard it was to say that with a straight face. What? Yeah, we're still doing the layoffs.
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Sep 2, 2014 19:39
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Chupe Raho Aurat posted:Why do over 80% of the Alien creatures tell me they are gay at 9pm? whatever you do dont tell them youre also gay bc they will just go "syyyyyke"
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Sep 2, 2014 19:50
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ChickenHeart posted:I wonder if Bishop Weyland would have been a staunch bitcoin supporter
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Sep 2, 2014 19:51
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"Sir, we have analyzed the xenomorph and already have ideas on how to chemical replicate its carapace and armor! Just with napkin math here we will be able to increase the survivability of our Marines by a thousand fold at least!" "Good, and how many xenomorphs remain?" "All of them. We didn't harm a single one, it was rather easy to collect samples from them." "Good. Give them guns and lets see if we can make them into soldiers." "But Sir, there is no need we can make our own soldiers many times greater just with the knowledge we have right now. Who knows what more resear..." "Give that big angry one a flame thrower."
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Sep 2, 2014 19:51
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newreply.php posted:whatever you do dont tell them youre also gay bc they will just go "syyyyyke" I insist you tell me you got my reference.
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Sep 2, 2014 20:11
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Someone put a dead facehugger on my bed this morning. Real funny guys.
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Sep 2, 2014 20:29
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*turns up suit jacket collar*
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Sep 2, 2014 21:04
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To: Research Team Metis Subject: Another long rant about Monitoring  Has anyone else noticed that Carlsen down in Xenomorph Monitoring has been acting really strange lately? Okay, I know that sounds like a trick question because that whole level is a freak show but I mean really strange even by Gamma level standards? I think he might be interested in the xenomorph, you know, sexually interested in it. I asked Gaines if she had noticed it too, that Carlsen seemed way too into the xenomorph and she said she had noticed but figured that since we've all been having violent sex dreams ever since we caught that thing that maybe Carlsen is having a hard time letting the dreams go, after all, he has to look at it all day. I guess that makes some sense but it seems like it's got to be more than just the dreams affecting his behavior and Gaines only goes down there once a week where I have to go down there twice a day to pick up data spools so she can't be seeing nearly as much as I am. Like on Tuesday I go down for the overnight spools and he's in the monitoring pod with all the lights off, which seems pretty standard for Gamma level, anyway all the lights are off except for in the xenomorph's chamber and he's standing in front of the glass watching it just kinda touching the glass and he's got this music turned up, one of those dreadful Berlioz symphonies he likes, so I ask for the spool and he acts really put out about it but whatever, I go about my day but then when I go back that afternoon for the day spool, same thing, darkness, glass touching, Berlioz, like exactly the same, and the next day and the next. It's really freaking me out but as long as I'm getting spools out of there I guess it's not any of my business but I think this is yet another good reason we should have at least one psychologist on this ship because the AutoPharm isn't going to solve everything. Best Wishes,  Cassie Meeks - Junior Researcher Team Metis Weyland-Yutani R&D
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Sep 2, 2014 21:12
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Sep 2, 2014 21:16
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To: Sr. Research Scientist Roger Fortworth From: Sr. Counsel to Board of Directors John Heims Date: Solar Day 274, Year 3676 Re: Xenomorph Genetic Modification - Cease and Desist I just wanted to bring to your attention that we are well aware of your desire to crossbreed xenomorphs with mini australian shepherds in order to create tiny xenomorphs to give as Saganmas gifts to friends and family. This is unacceptable. We know that as a Senior Research Scientist you are allowed some leeway in what projects you choose to undertake; however, the potential for disaster is much too high. We do not think you understand the ramifications if you were to succeed on a mass scale. Already three of our junior researchers have been hospitalized due to your experiments. Carol Jackson had to have her foot amputated after being bitten in the ankle. Apparently the xenomorph was trying to "herd" her and the rest of her team into the nearest lab. She is now suing us for 56 million units. Please cease and desist all activity with this project. If you do not, we will have no choice but terminate your employment.
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Sep 2, 2014 22:25
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 Alright, who's the smart-rear end that keeps taking the exosuit out for joyrides? Every time I run an inventory I always find it missing half its ammunition stores and the fuel cells drained. Do you know how much paperwork is involved in replacing those incidigel tanks alone? Not to mention the nightmare involved in replacing those synth-muscle lattices on the leg-joints every time they wear out. This poo poo has to stop. And don't give that "It's the jerks over in Pod Six" crap, I already found the shell casings and smashed-up cargo containers you chucklefucks tried to hide over in animal storage. If no-one fesses up by the end of the week, I'm gonna bring it up at the next staff meeting with the heads.
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Sep 2, 2014 22:50
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Nobody wants my chili? Seriously? Well you're missing out. At least come back for breakfast, I'm cooking my old family recipe, eggs ala xenomorph. Wait, wait, xenomorph is my grandmother's maiden name! What? This white stuff all over after I cut myself? I poured milk on the cut to heal it, and made a bit of a mess. It's an old boxing trick. I swear I'm not an evil robot set on feeding you to the aliens...
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Sep 3, 2014 00:41
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Choco1980 posted:Nobody wants my chili? Seriously? Well you're missing out. At least come back for breakfast, I'm cooking my old family recipe, eggs ala xenomorph. Wait, wait, xenomorph is my grandmother's maiden name! I'm just waiting for you to leave the kitchen so I can steal your acid-safe pots & pans.
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Sep 3, 2014 00:55
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Choco1980 posted:Nobody wants my chili? Seriously? Well you're missing out. The chili's fine. The cornbread on the other hand...
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Sep 3, 2014 02:18
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 god bless everdraed
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Sep 3, 2014 02:23
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ChickenHeart posted:-Addressed an issue where product would fill empty containers with its own fluids and offer them to users. Wait, did that notice just say 'addressed' rather than 'fixed'? What the gently caress have we been drinking? I told the CO we should have never let a synth be on mess duty...
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Sep 3, 2014 02:24
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Sep 3, 2014 02:29
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newreply.php posted:neither does forums poster professor shark, i dare to assume You just made The List, fellow forums poster newreply.php!
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Sep 3, 2014 02:39
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Sep 3, 2014 02:52
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From: greg_johnson@it.weyland-yutani.com To: brad.kensey@it.weyland-yutani.com Dude, you were right, the boss came by and asked me to work overtime again. lammmeeeee The rednecks from the warehouse brought me this ancient computer because it "weren't workin' right hurrr" and ask me to fix it. I open that fucker up and there is like half a century of cigarette ashes caught in the CPU fan. So I clear that out, and what do I find in the CD drive? A loving PIECE OF CORNBREAD!!! IM NOT KIDDING, BRO Anyway so I finally fix that and this loving douchey lawyer dude comes in and wants me to look up the daughter of his client or some poo poo. You're not gonna believe this man, so this dumbass chick locked herself in a cryotube for like 60 years and was just floating around out in space like a moron! hahaha what an idiot So yeah, after he left I was like "psh, its miller time, gently caress this poo poo" so I just made up some poo poo about her daughter being dead and sent him a grainy picture of betty white. OWNED  Greg Johnson Head IT Specialist - Orbital Station Weyland-Yutani Building Better Worlds
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Sep 3, 2014 03:00
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Flippycunt posted:From: greg_johnson@it.weyland-yutani.com same.
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Sep 3, 2014 03:03
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Listen Burke you loving piece of poo poo this is the last time you back up my executive toilet with your foul peasant middle-manager poo poo. I mean you didn't even take the time to flush properly, also what the gently caress were you eating? I mean it Burke, next time you use my private toilet while I'm away from the office, I'm sending you to some distant hellhole to retrieve a deadly bioweapon or something equally stupid. We're Weyland-Yutani, trust me, I have a full loving stack of papers on my desk describing stupid deadly situations I could send you to die in.
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Sep 3, 2014 03:06
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Sephora Mission Database, 2179 Audiolog: Jensen, R. [Note: Audio in this file is poor, the recording device's input being muffled by an unknown object or substance] So they got me. Me and Hartley were attempting to repair a door lock when the ground gave way and sent me plummeting into another deck. Hurt my legs real bad. I was screaming for help when this xeno lumbered over to me awkwardly and carried me in its arms. I thought I was done for sure but it must like me or be fuckin retarded or somethin cause it put me on the wall different from everyone else. It put me backwards, I think, at least from what glimpses I got of the other bastards up the tunnel. That is fine by me, but somethin' keeps launching themselves at my head and humping it or some poo poo. If they keep it up I'm gonna have a bald spot there for sure.
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Sep 3, 2014 04:17
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Sentient Data posted:Wait, did that notice just say 'addressed' rather than 'fixed'? What the gently caress have we been drinking? I told the CO we should have never let a synth be on mess duty... What are you talking about? I'm no synth, I'm a
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Sep 3, 2014 05:27
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*Builds alien containment cell out of materials completely unresistant to alien acid blood* That should hold em no prob.
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Sep 3, 2014 05:32
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RedMage129 posted:*Builds alien containment cell out of materials completely unresistant to alien acid blood* Promote this man
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Sep 3, 2014 05:46
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hey burke, why don't you stand up over by the stool and provide amusing observations on how men and women are crazy different
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Sep 3, 2014 06:23
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Every time we all head out to lunch, Dr.Bendova stands right in front of the observation window and fiddles with something in front of him, then presses up against the glass.
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Sep 3, 2014 06:33
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we need to test these prototype M500x phased plasma rifles, someone find the release forms so we can arm the two largest gangs in new neo-New Orleans
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Sep 3, 2014 06:47
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to counter the problem of mentally-handicapped xenomorphs placing victims face-forward into their hive walls, my supervisor is now spearheading research to genetically modify face-huggers so they can also latch onto and impregnate a victim's butt.
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Sep 3, 2014 07:24
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HR REPORTJust finished with this team of morons chasing stars. Evidently they found MULTIPLE PAINTINGS SHOWING THE SAME STUPID PICTURE? ! Sorry. So anyhow, they're leaving tomorrow. We've hired a biologist that hates life, a cave explorer who's afraid of caves, and at least one homicidal
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Sep 3, 2014 13:28
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Sup mateys. There is an football dized egg in this cave. You decide what I do next.
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Sep 3, 2014 13:32
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