Wasabi the J posted:

Cops are like vampires, they can't come on unless you invite them in, and they will try to trick you into it.

newreply.php posted:

ive never worked in the food industry but i did deliver tv's for a while and if there was one certainty it was that rich fucks never ever tipped you for hauling their huge tv (these were the crt days and even early lcd's were easily 10" thick) inside their huge home where you had to take care not to touch anything

poor and average people tipped crazy good tho and always offered a drink or something. an old lady once gave me €50 for plugging her telephone cable back in (not a metaphor)

Luvcow posted:

Yep. Poorer the person (UMASS, Hampshire etc.), the more likely they were to tip me, or give me beer or bong hits. Rich kids at Amherst college? Only a few ever even gave tips.

No. 6 posted:

Poor people are bad at managing money.

mind the walrus posted:

Regarding the Wachowskis:

spog posted:

Here's why:

Calaveron posted:

What, you're not some awful sperg who is intimately familiar with the cast and crew of a children's show's fetishes and sexual/psychological hang ups?

no they will not posted:

Wings. Bats have them, birds have them. It's not like they're vestigial, either, because bats are fully capable of flight. This seems pretty cut and dry to me but I've seen a lot of people posting otherwise.

LITERALLY A BIRD posted:

Am bird, can confirm.

Business Gorillas posted:

Let me say first and foremost that yes, I have a micropenis. I've heard it all before, so if you want to troll me go ahead. Just know that by doing so you're only proving yourself to be a child.

Ever since I was a boy, I've felt something was wrong with me. I was told by my parents that there was nothing wrong with my body, but every once in a while I'd sneak a peek at the bathrooms or in the showers at school and I knew that I was a little... lacking in some departments compared to the other guys. I never really knew the gravity of my situation until high school when I started dating. My first girlfriend, we'll call her Susan, was great. When things got physical, I tried to change the mood, constantly afraid that she'd make fun of me. Eventually, my hormones got the better of me and at first, she seemed pretty okay with my body. When I got to school the next day, however, I started getting weird looks in the hallway. It was a little something here or there at first but as gossip does, the taunting and jeering got more and more intense. I started struggling with depression and anxiety attacks so bad that my parents thought it best that I transferred to a private school.

Eight years later and I'm now my own man. I'm successful at my job and I have a still blossoming social life (I have had difficulty with making connections ever since high school). However, I'm noticing something lacking in my life. Knowing that I'll never be able to handle the stress of a relationship and never being able to find a woman who wasn't all about sex, I resigned myself to my loneliness and decided to buy a fleshlight. The process of buying my pink lady fleshlight was humiliating in and of itself, but the first night I tried it and I'm not feeling an ounce of stimulation. It was, as they say, a "hot dog down a hallway" situation.

I appreciate the good works that the fleshlight company does, but I'm wondering if there's been any research and/or development into making a fleshlight for those of us who are less endowed than the average man? Its humiliating enough that I can't please a regular woman, but I'm completely unable to pleasure myself with a synthetic "woman" as well.

Einbauschrank posted:

Hi Goons,

my ex, my gf and me are all in our 30ies. My ex broke up with me in February 2013, I met my gf in Octobre 2013. The breakup was rather painless as we had grown apart but still liked and respected each other. We are both PhD students with a job and have the same circles of friends. When I met my new gf I told her that I was on good terms with my ex but that there was no spark left. This is absolutely true.

I made the mistake of speaking about good times we had together. Not to make her jealous but because I dislike badmouthing.

They first met at a friend's birthday party in January 2014 and I got hell for it. My gf was very withdrawn that evening, didn't dance and cried later that night because she couldn't cope with her being there. She told me that she couldn't handle this constellation on her own, i.e. myex being deeply embedded in my circle of friends as she wanted to meet them without being "the new one" being compared to my popular ex.

This has gotten worse. I met my ex new bf and didn't care about it. I told her so at a later point to assure her that that my ex was accounted for but she blamed me that I hadn't informed her of seeing my ex. Which I do, but only as a part of a group of friends and not alone. And I thought that being "on good terms" included seeing each other. I didn't immediately tell her because I feared a scene. This simmered for a few weeks and then we went on great holidays. We were very close and totally into each other. Shortly after our return it flipped. She became jealous again and asked me if I had seen her at some other point. I told her I had seen a Champions League Quarterfinal (in April)at her home together with her roommates. This made her crack. She flung a glass at the wall and she started sobbing etc. and telling me she couldn't handle it and that I had let her down. To some extent I agree, she told me about her problem and I didn't really support her. But I think I cannot help her overcome her jealousy. I am 100% monogamous and do not even flirt with other girls. I am devoted to us. I cannotheal her insecurity. She told me she couldn't do this anymore, later she calmed down to "need a few days to process this" (that I had been at my ex's house as a part of a social gathering).

I am at a loss. I do not want to sever. Everything but this is very good.

Taste the Rainbugh posted:

Mans posted:

Anyway here's a thread where goons posted their dicks just to play a game one week earlier.

http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3662776&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=261

The Hissing Butt posted:

I don't know if it's what you're looking for, but you should definitely check out A Song of Ice and Fire by George R. R. Martin.

Professor Shark posted:

YOu may as well just skip Martin and go stragiht to the source, Tolstoy's War and Peace, instead. Martin's literal inclusion of dragons comes across as very lacking in subtlety compared to Tolstoy's French army.

WeaponGradeSadness posted:

contrapants posted:

Watch the Star Wars prequel reviews on Red Letter Media.

Pope Guilty posted:

If you thought you were supposed to believe 50 foot ant you have problems.

...of SCIENCE! posted:

I don't have it handy but it makes me think of when a fat Goonette was trashing on her ex-boyfriend for having a small penis and not being able to make her orgasm and FYAD wrote a descriptive passage about her boyfriend barely being able to make it past her fat thighs and hanging panniculus to get inside her and then meekly taking all the blame for her not enjoying it.

CzarChasm posted:

Classic Quotes Ahoy!



All the rest
http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=2512842

quote:

The two sides of giving and receiving blow jobs...

WHAT A MAN HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier
than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the rear end, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old &fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep."

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


WHAT A GIRL HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT


1. I'm calling the police on you Granos

Choco1980 posted:

Oh wait, I think I have one. When I was seven or eight, I had a babysitter who would have a number of kids at any given time come to her house at once instead of her going to theirs. Anyways, I was really curious about what girls looked like naked, and convinced a three year old to take off her clothes in front of me. The babysitter wasn't amused when she walked in. I still feel creepy about it today, even though at the time I was too young to even properly undestand what sex was.

mookface posted:

I was dating this one vegan girl and we were doing yoga a few times a week for several months. A running joke that we had was that one of these days I was going to be able to suck my own cock and she was into that poo poo because she thought it was hot.

We were doing bikram yoga in Chinatown one time just ripped on this hash and I felt something kind of pop in my lower back. It didn't hurt really, just felt like this odd pull. I didn't think much of it at the time so we put our clothes back on and longboarded back to the loft. I was having a bit of a soak in the tub when I felt, no, I just knew that I could do it.

I called skyy to the bathroom and I told her to get the goji berries because I was ready. We went to the kitchen and I sat on the floor. I stooped my back over and began to lower my head towards my pelvis. I had gotten this far before, but today was different. I was able to roll my sacrum upwards and inward, directly depositing the head of my penis firmly into my mouth. I was already rock hard.

I wasn't able to deepthroat myself or even close, just kind of jerk off my cock in my mouth while licking and sucking on the head until I climaxed and sucked out every drop. My girl rubbed herself out furiously the entire time, moaning about oh how that's so hot baby.

I had done it. I hung up my yoga mat and retired from autofellatio.

Harime Nui posted:

Megan Fox is a really bad actress op. She manages to almost sink the movie by being the focus for the first ten minutes but thank god after that they give the movie over to the cgi turtles.

Yaldabaoth posted:

Maybe if Hollywood actually casted people based on their talent instead of whether the audience wants to gently caress them we wouldn't have to deal with this poo poo

burritolingus posted:

If you want to gently caress Megan Fox you're a necrophiliac or something because she just isn't there.

Bertrand Hustle posted:

Goon sets himself on fire, posts a thread about it:

Alas Boobylon posted:

you are literally a human being, that is to say, kindling

...of SCIENCE! posted:

SaltyJesus posted:

Glad to hear it. I can finally retire from my arduous shitpost training routine and rest on my laurels.

The Whole Internet posted:

Had a teacher I absolutely hated in preschool. She punished kids at the drop of a hat. I got punished for all kinds of poo poo I never did.

So... one day she brought a bunch of cupcakes to the room and set them on the shelf. We had to sit in a room with cupcakes, as 4 year olds, for 2 hours. After she told us they weren't for us, I was too angry. I had the funny idea that she was keeping all of them for herself for some reason.

So I decided to get revenge. During recess, after the tray was moved to another room, I snuck in and pushed a tiny piece of poop into one of them from underneath.

Later I found out those were for the special ed kids. The parents had brought them in for their kid's birthday. Some poor retarded kid got that cupcake.

Hat Thoughts posted:

Pope Corky the IX posted:

There has to be some language that describes it as "Bear You Do Not Want to gently caress With"

Medieval Medic posted:

Yeah, the word for that is bear.

Mans posted:

Filippo Corridoni posted:

I punched an aggressive crazy guy, and cops were around to arrest me. I got charged with battery, and could go to jail for up to a year. I am a minor (17) with no prior convictions.

I think i'll win the case, as i have no priors and the guy i hit was a nutbag who was a bit in the wrong. But in the event i lose and get sent to jail, what would happen after prison? Would employers still hire me? Would i still be able to go to college?

Would I basically become a felon in america, doomed to mininum wage work no matter what i do?

Sigma-X posted:

Tell us more about it. Don't talk to a lawyer, this should be an easy case to rep yourself in court for and hiring a lawyer is only going to incriminate you further.

Baron von Eevl posted:

Also 1) that was like 50 years ago 2) it was a REALLY lovely Santa. Like, just some drunk kid in an ill-fitting and soiled santa suit.

Jombo posted:

I was reminded of this by the flying barbie into fireplace gif so...

This is pre-everyone having a camera phone schadenfreude so imagination is required.

One year back in the 80's this was the tickle-me-elmo of toys:



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJa6eUpxNyM

and all us 6 year olds were cracking wood everytime the ad came on tv during tmnt or some poo poo.

Anyway one of my good friends has a birthday the day after mine, and at his party he gets a TYPHOON! the most kickingest raddest piece of awesome the 1980s has to offer. Being quite poor myself I'd received socks or some poo poo for my birthday the day before and I must admit I was more than a little jealous.

Being the cutting edge of technology in an amazing age where calculator watches were replacing C64s as the shining example of human technological prowess the TYPHOON! came with rechargeable batteries instead of those old disposable D cells used by stoneage remote controlled vehicles. So the TYPHOON! goes straight from box to the charger while everyone dances around giddy with excitement about the torrent of fun about to be unleashed. After everyone couldn't hold it in any longer (probably 10 mins) the birthday boy rips the TYPHOON! from the charger and we all run straight to the best and only place to test out a toy as amazing as the TYPHOON! - the closest dam (we were on a farm you see). The birthday boy starts up the amazing machine and it really works! just like on the commercial! So straight out onto the water it goes, tearing around like a jesus boat walking on water, straight to the furthest part from the shore... when we start to hear the little electric motors spluttering - no longer did that nice high pitched whirr emanate from the fans. The astounding impatience we had displayed made us unworthy of the machine, and great forces were about to punish us for our hubris. Befitting its name and reputation the TYPHOON! appeared to put up a valiant struggle against the murky brown water as everyone on the shore stared on in silence, but after around 15 seconds and the last of the air leaking from it's skirt the machine disappeared below the surface along with its dead flat battery, as if it was just too perfect and not meant for this world. 30 seconds to bathe in its glow from start to finish were all we were afforded.

Amazingly my jealousy was gone - completely replaced by the sadness the this beautiful machine was gone, probably the only one for hundreds of kilometres in any direction, and never to brighten up this forgotten and neglected part of the Australian outback ever again.

Of course immediate petition was made to the adults in the area - surely something could be done. But the metre thick, sticky mud all around the dam made it a veritable death trap. The remainder of the party was merely the slow realisation over several hours that the TYPHOON! was really gone... but had we ever really had it? Were we delusional and only hallucinated the events due to overwhelming marketing and sugary food? No, the empty box and charger remained - as a physical reminder of the disaster that had just happened.

5 months later it was the height of summer, and the dam in question dried enough for the machine to be recovered. It was a shell of it's former self, as if all the fun and 80's style kickin' rad had vanished - leaving behind only a mud crusted piece of plastic.

utterlycorrupt posted:

so i have a problem, evidently; judging from her reaction, i've got to assume she's really not into drinking my piss...here's the story...i was wasted last night (as i am every night) and because i'm a veteran at avoiding hangovers, i took a jug of that lemon-lime powerade and set it on the bedside table to help me fight off the dehydration and remain my young and beautiful self...i ended up drinking the entire thing, which is fine, it has electrolytes and liver-enhancers and all that kinda good poo poo in it...i also ended up pissing in it, and more than once--really i almost refilled the thing (the bathroom is way too far from the bedroom in my apartment, and i hate getting out of bed, ever, just on general principles)...understand, though, that her visit was unexpected--she wasn't supposed to be there this morning...long story short, she thought the bottle was filled with powerade and i was too groggy to react in time...she actually got a swallow down before she realized it was piss and ran to the bathroom vomiting uncontrollably...now she refuses to speak to me...this seems to be the only place i can bring a problem of this type...what's my next move piss-bottle goons?

Jerry Mumphrey posted:

I'm the middle-aged janitor who comes in and starts dutifully mopping up the cum. The set lights have been turned off, the men all gone. Only the actress remains, unmoved, uncleaned, gently sobbing while contemplating the choices she made that led to this moment.

I shuffle over to her. She doesn't acknowledge my presence. I unzip and begin soundlessly jerking my unimpressive cock. I sense the inevitable and aim towards her now crusty face. The load falls well short, landing somewhere near her shin.

I sniff and clear my throat. She still doesn't acknowledge me. I zip up and resume mopping.

Al Cowens posted:

Lately, a lot of fowl games have been released on Steam. This has ruffled a lot of feathers, and with good reason, as there are some real birdbrains making videogames nowadays. But I'm talon you, this isn't one of those, this game is eggcellent. You might fink people just buy it for ironic purposes, but it's eggshelly a very good game. The premise may make you worried that the game's a bit of an odd duck - a human gull going to a school for birds? To call that "realistic" would be ostrich, so a lot of peeps might wonder how the flock that can make for a fun game. But if you give it a chance and carrion with it, you'll discover that it is well written, with a migrate cast of characters. You're bound to have a pheasant time with this, and even if you're still hesitant, you should swallow your pride and buy the game on a lark (it's not that expensive, so don't worry about the bill), and you'll discover an impeckable game with hours of replay value. So just spend some cash from your nest egg, and from heron out you won't egret your perchase. You'll have a hoot, guaranteed.

Mans posted:

why is the new PYF mod locking threads at random?

i fear for this thread

Firmy Shoyombo posted:

Does anyone else use Gamestop as a bank?

I got really pissed off with US Bank because I kept overdrafting my account even though I opted out, and the same thing happened with my credit union when I got a debit card.

Now whenever I get paid, I go preorder a whole shitload of games. Whenever I need money, I go to the nearest gamestop and ask for my money back on a game I don't want and make a withdrawal. The lines are shorter at gamestop than at the bank and I can trade in old games and have money go straight to my savings account. Gamestops are just as prevalent as banks in my town, and I work at a mall, so it's even more convenient than running an errand to the bank or using an ATM and getting charged.

The gamestop people are starting to catch on that I'm just moving money around and only buying one preordered game a year, if that, but there isn't poo poo they can do about it. The best part is, since I always preorder every game coming out I'm still guaranteed to get all the exclusive content whether or not I'm sure I want a certain game. It's like they're rewarding me for banking with them.

Torka posted:

Preface, I'm a 19 year old man, and I'm straight. Some guy I met at the hostel was telling me about how he's a masseur specialising in "Turkish" massages, and offered me one. I thought "cool, sounds like an experience." Anyway so I'm butt naked and this guy just gives me a towel and I go face down on the bed. Eventually he starts giving me the worst massage ever. Just like moving my back around like nothing. It goes on for about 2 mins before he says I should turn over. So I do, silently. And the towel slides off but I'm too overwhelmed by nerves to do anything. So he's just, what I now realise was, just feeling me up. I'm, for the first time in my life, scared stiff. I didn't have the balls to tell him to back off because I thought he might just be really bad at massaging.

Wrong.

I notice he's grazing my balls a lot. And my dick. I was super flaccid for about the first 2 mins but it became impossible to hold back a boner.. This is where it gets bad. He straight up starts jacking me off and within a few seconds I'm done. He flips me over again, feels my back, and then spreads my buttcheeks and I feel his tongue.. Down there (I was screaming in my head). It was this point I realised I am a huge pussy and I can't tell somebody when to stop. I just closed my eyes and waited for it to be done. He flipped me over again and then starting licking my chest.. He then took his shirt off an that's when I said "okay I think I'm done."

I think I was just sexually drooled over. And since I didn't make it clear to him I wasn't into it, and even finished at one point, I don't think there was much illegal stuff happening. It seriously feels like a bad dream. I didn't realise how much of a pussy I was. I was actually just paralysed with confusion and fear.

Waltzing Along posted:

Charge per month. Just a dollar. I think most people would pay $20 a year to stay (bans would only cost $1 to resub.)

Trip Daddy X posted:

I wouldn't. I paid $10 11 years ago and it's because of posts like yours that I feel like I haven't gotten my money's worth yet.

unlimited shrimp posted:

I catcalled on the sidewalk, but it belonged to the women.
No pavement under my feet, only shards of matriarchy.

I leaned in to smell hair, but it grew from a womens studies student.
No locks past her shoulders, only thorns of misandry.

I copped, I copped a feel, but it was "assault" by fiat.
No virile python between my legs, only a dagger of oppression.

"But you are we, don't you see?" shrieks Twitter.
"You'll fit in, you'll fit when properly cut!" howls the feminist.

No, I am Me! I am Me!
I'll fit myself wherever I'll be. I'll be me and I'll be free!

drat you gynocrat, tumblr, oppressor! drat you Feminist and Liberal!
I'd drat you all!

I'd drat you all to the Patriarchy...

...if there were one.

Casu Marzu posted:

oldpainless posted:

I can stare into a man's stretched anus with not a blink of discomfort, but that picture disgusts me on a very basic level.

Grody posted:

She can't be less than 240 pounds and he's probably 220. It's pretty atrocious. She's so fat that one time when they went kayaking the boat sunk so low it started letting water in and she flipped trying to get out