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Bobbin Threadbare
Jan 2, 2009

I'm looking for a flock of urbanmechs.

Ooh, a ghost. Let's chat.

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Cthulhu Dreams
Dec 11, 2010

If I pretend to be Cthulhu no one will know I'm a baseball robot.
Tea and a chat.

FlocksOfMice
Feb 3, 2009
Oh sweet let's recruit ghosts

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice

quote:

You politely enquire what this shrill apparition is doing in your house. She seems a little miffed at your calm demeanour.

The woman drifts closer, towering over you, looking down her bony nose like a nightmare primary school teacher. She smells of grave dirt and Lily Of The Valley.

"The arrogance," she hisses. "You conjure the dead from their resting places below, for a twilight existence of whimsy and servitude. You quarter them here, in grubby suburban squalor. And then, do you spend your time caring for their immortal souls? No. You pop out to the shops."

Point out you went to buy serious cleaning materials.
Explain that you didn't exactly choose to become a necromancer.
Challenge this woman's right to lecture you.


Stats posted:

A successful necromancer must manage an array of vital character statistics.

Control: 70% (+1)
Energy: 44%
Luck: 71%
Corruption: 3%
Humanity: 7%
You are recognised and distrusted.

Your undead army consists of:
Skeletons: 5
Zombies: 2
and it has killed 2 people in total.

Kanthulhu
Apr 8, 2009
NO ONE SPOIL GAME OF THRONES FOR ME!

IF SOMEONE TELLS ME THAT OBERYN MARTELL AND THE MOUNTAIN DIE THIS SEASON, I'M GOING TO BE PISSED.

BUT NOT HALF AS PISSED AS I'D BE IF SOMEONE WERE TO SPOIL VARYS KILLING A LANISTER!!!


(Dany shits in a field)
Challenge this woman's right to lecture you.

Bobbin Threadbare
Jan 2, 2009

I'm looking for a flock of urbanmechs.

Lady, these things need some industrial-strength cleaners.

Inflammatory
Apr 22, 2014
Cleanliness is next to godliness.

ultrafilter
Aug 23, 2007

It's okay if you have any questions.


One doesn't engage in necromancy without a twisted sense of humor and a very strong cleaning solution.

Darth TNT
Sep 20, 2013
Would you like your bedsheet cleaned?

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice

quote:

You heft your blue plastic bag and point out that industrial-strength cleaning products vastly outnumber the few items of cheap food you purchased. The woman glares, like she thinks you have another bag somewhere filled with toys and pornography.

This relationship appears to be stalled. You ask the woman who she actually is.

quote:

A gleam comes into her forbidding eyes. "Some call me She Of The Fairy Mounds. Some, The Washer At The Ford. For truth, I am the bean nighe and I walk the ways that death will follow. And frankly, when you then turn up and reverse the flow down those ways, it makes my job a nightmare."

Unsure, you ask her to repeat those words—were they Gaelic?

"Bean nighe—oh, I can't bear to hear you slaughter it. 'Banshee' will do."

She drifts from side to side, appraising you. One long, twig-like finger rises to point at your face. "The undead are not playthings for your childish whimsy. I will be here to care for them, and protect them. And I will be keeping my eye on you, young lady. Now, when was the last time you gave this zombie a shampoo? I suppose you think that the undead have no need for hygiene. Well, you're about to learn different. Have you got the hot water on?"

Ask where exactly she has come from.
Ask what her regular job is.
Ask how she found you.
Ask about the humerus.


Stats posted:

A successful necromancer must manage an array of vital character statistics.

Control: 70%
Energy: 46% (+2)
Luck: 71%
Corruption: 3%
Humanity: 7%
You are recognised and distrusted.

Your undead army consists of:
Skeletons: 5
Zombies: 2
and it has killed 2 people in total.

Ghostwoods
May 9, 2013

Say "Cheese!"
Tell us about the bone, hurr hurr.

Kanthulhu
Apr 8, 2009
NO ONE SPOIL GAME OF THRONES FOR ME!

IF SOMEONE TELLS ME THAT OBERYN MARTELL AND THE MOUNTAIN DIE THIS SEASON, I'M GOING TO BE PISSED.

BUT NOT HALF AS PISSED AS I'D BE IF SOMEONE WERE TO SPOIL VARYS KILLING A LANISTER!!!


(Dany shits in a field)
Ask how she found you.

Darth TNT
Sep 20, 2013
What do you do on weekdays?

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
Like, Nyaa.

:colbert:
Ask her job so we can do ours properly.

Fangz
Jul 5, 2007

Oh I see! This must be the Bad Opinion Zone!
Humerus, oh Banshee Lady.

NAME REDACTED
Dec 22, 2010
Okay, but first could you please explain where this bone came from.

Inflammatory
Apr 22, 2014
The hell is this bone, lady?

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice
Joke's on you.

quote:

"'Ere you ask me a question, you must answer three of mine." She smirks and swings away. You point out that she has already answered at least one question, but she dismisses you with a spindly hand.

The banshee drifts off down the hall, leaving a caustic green vapour in her wake. It's no good. She seems to have an affinity with the undead, and she seems to have taken it upon herself to move in. You could demand she leaves—but something tells you you're not going to get very far with that.

You sigh, and begin to unpack the shopping.

quote:

It's a new day.

There is an empty bottle of malt whisky in the bin. That wasn't there last night.

What will you do?

Return to the graveyard for another try.
Take undead to the fish and chip shop.
Take undead to the hairdressers.


No change in stats.

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
Like, Nyaa.

:colbert:
The Banshee has spoken, these zombie and skeleton need some cosmetic care at the hairdressers.

Bobbin Threadbare
Jan 2, 2009

I'm looking for a flock of urbanmechs.

I suppose it is time to get some help from the hairdressers.

Added Space
Jul 13, 2012

Free Markets
Free People

Curse you Hayard-Gunnes!
Our skeletons require fine wigs.

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice

quote:

Yet another indignity of living in a small town is that there is only one place to go and get your hair cut. Unless you want to take your chances on that woman with the lazy eye who goes to people's houses.

No matter what time of day you go there, "Cut and Colour" is full of women who talk too loudly. The exact composition of the group changes from hour to hour but there are always familiar faces, and their tone is consistent: they know better.

At first you thought they were waiting for a haircut. Then you noticed it never seemed to be their turn. Finally you realised that what they liked was a warm room to hang out in, with free magazines and a captive audience. It is a sort of day care centre for bigots which also offers haircuts.

Vidal Sassoon supposedly said that with a small pair of scissors, he could make a woman cry for a week. Imagine what you can do with an undead horde.

quote:

You wait until late afternoon, when the light is fading. As you draw close to "Cut and Colour", you see figures inside. There are three women sitting around, and an elderly man in the chair. Geena, the stylist, is sporting a purple, ruffled blouse and has her hair pulled up in an unearthly bun. She looks over her shoulder at her cronies as she snips. Even from a distance, you are nervous about her customer's ears.

As you consider your approach, she waves a hand mirror at the man and removes the protective cape. He pays up and staggers from the shop, patting regions of his head.

How will you approach your mission of wrath against the hairdressers?

Get a haircut and improvise while in the chair.
Attempt to lure the inhabitants out into the open.
Send a zombie in for a trim.
Full-on undead assault.


No change in stats.

Bobbin Threadbare
Jan 2, 2009

I'm looking for a flock of urbanmechs.

I got this customer you just have to see...

ultrafilter
Aug 23, 2007

It's okay if you have any questions.


What's the point of having an army if you never use it?

Crepuscule Adepte
Feb 21, 2008

Why is my hair purple? It's from the blood of everyone that lost a bet against me.
We are here for zombie hygiene. Don't ask any questions, just cut the hair.

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
Like, Nyaa.

:colbert:
Zombie haircut

Added Space
Jul 13, 2012

Free Markets
Free People

Curse you Hayard-Gunnes!
Just a little off the top. No, not the whole head! Rotten zombie.

FlocksOfMice
Feb 3, 2009
Send a zombie in and get em to do a comb-over so the zombie's brains aren't sticking out anymore

Slaan
Mar 16, 2009



ASHERAH DEMANDS I FEAST, I VOTE FOR A FEAST OF FLESH
They probably won't notice that they are Undead-Britonners. The bigots, not celebrating the diversity of death. :colbert:

But lets give them a chance. Zombie Haircut

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice

quote:

You send the zombie shuffling along the pavement to the hairdressers. It struggles with the door and eventually opens it, more by leaning against the handle than anything requiring fine motor control. You wait for the screaming and the running in terror. Geena's cronies size up the new customer. Geena offers it the chair while brushing up hair from the previous client. This is not what you expected.

While you ponder what to do, the zombie shambles over to the chair and sits down stiffly. Er, what?

Geena drapes it in a cape while continuing to yack to her hangers-on. Perhaps the zombie retains some kind of kinetic memory, drawn to repeat familiar patterns of motion from its life? That could be useful. But the cape seems like a setback in your campaign of graveyard mayhem.

Let Geena get on with the zombie haircut.
Order the zombie to get back up and attack.
Now send in a skeleton.


Stats posted:

A successful necromancer must manage an array of vital character statistics.

Control: 70%
Energy: 46%
Luck: 73% (+2)
Corruption: 3%
Humanity: 7%
You are recognised and distrusted.

Your undead army consists of:
Skeletons: 5
Zombies: 2
and it has killed 2 people in total.

Bobbin Threadbare
Jan 2, 2009

I'm looking for a flock of urbanmechs.

Double the fun with a skeleton.

Crepuscule Adepte
Feb 21, 2008

Why is my hair purple? It's from the blood of everyone that lost a bet against me.
...Aren't we here for a zombie haircut? Isn't that the entire reason why we're here?

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
Like, Nyaa.

:colbert:
Haircut first

Bobbin Threadbare
Jan 2, 2009

I'm looking for a flock of urbanmechs.

Crepuscule Adepte posted:

...Aren't we here for a zombie haircut? Isn't that the entire reason why we're here?

I just figure the skeleton would appreciate a good skull polishing.

Added Space
Jul 13, 2012

Free Markets
Free People

Curse you Hayard-Gunnes!
Let's not gild the lily, just the zombie for now.

ultrafilter
Aug 23, 2007

It's okay if you have any questions.


Zombie haircut. Maybe it'll keep the banshee happy.

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice

quote:

Geena looks into the mirror and notices the zombie's bad skin. She recoils for a moment but covers it with professional haste. Lifting the spray bottle, she gives a couple of scooshes and begins to work with the scissors.

She chatters and cuts. The zombie's mouth hangs open. One of the hangers-on produces knitting from her bag. The scene is strangely compelling. Ten minutes later, Geena is winding things up. Now comes the interesting question of payment.

Watch what happens.
Go in and pay for the haircut.
Instruct the zombie to become aggressive.
Send in the rest of your horde.


Stats posted:

A successful necromancer must manage an array of vital character statistics.

Control: 71% (+1)
Energy: 42% (-4)

Luck: 73%
Corruption: 3%
Humanity: 8% (+1)
You are recognised and distrusted.

Your undead army consists of:
Skeletons: 5
Zombies: 2
and it has killed 2 people in total.

ultrafilter
Aug 23, 2007

It's okay if you have any questions.


Let's watch.

Bobbin Threadbare
Jan 2, 2009

I'm looking for a flock of urbanmechs.

Our undead minions are like children, and that means we have to be fiscally responsible for them.

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Ouroborus
Mar 31, 2010

I really only come here for the Paradise Lost: Clash of the Heavens CYOA these days.
SA was one of the first websites I ever frequented, waaaaay back in the day. I only got off my ass and got an account about 8 years ago. I bought the platinum upgrade recently.
Technically what she did there was desecrating a corpse. Clearly the best response is full on Undead Attack

If the zombies retain some memory, taking the hair dresser might let us get free haircuts for the undead... FOREVER.

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