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What I love about this is the way the supernatural hides in the eaves, threatening to invade the story at any moment. You do a great job of throwing us for loops and creating a murky, slippery atmosphere that quivers in and out of reality. I don't have any major problems with your structure and pacing, but I can see where you're coming from. It's strange, not bad, but strange. The first half plays much more deliberate while the second half descends into hazy chaos. This could be bolstered a little more, but it works in the story's favor. Having Metesky die earlier is a structural gamble, but I think you successfully drop the other shoe in the back half and it works. -- That all said, your dialogue is killin' ya. I respect you trying to keep it terse, but most of your characters are reduced to their major talking points. The flow of talk in unnatural, people jump directly from fairly standard small talk into fully formed ideologies. My least favorite example is this motherfucker: quote:Another added, “It’s a special thing, cinema. A whole community gathered together to substantiate a dream, a world suspended in a beam of light- that’s prayer. That’s more powerful than prayer.” Some dude barges into a conversation on me like that, I'd spit in his face. -- I think your biggest problem though is that we don't get a sense of who Roger is. Why is he doing this? What makes him so determined? I don't need or want his life story, but I need some grounding, attitude, personality. Roger's the most realistic thing in your world, and it's what I have to put my trust into. I hate this sentence: quote:Roger couldn’t fathom, but he was prepared to stake his career upon it to intercept them. That's great that he's ready to do that, but I'm not feeling it. -- One last note: The connection of George Metesky to all of this feel tenuous. I love this: quote:Now, he and the bomber- whoever or whatever he was- had come to an understanding. This, Roger reasoned, made him insane.
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Sep 13, 2014 21:28
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| # ¿ Apr 28, 2024 17:28 |
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