|
I haven't read the whole story yet, and not all of the responses, to avoid spoilers. But on the topic of dialog, I thought George's lines were missing some escalation. I couldn't always tell from the dialog that he was being emotional, and only found out later through... I think they call it "attribution"? Anyway, where it says George was "a neurotic man" I wasn't reading him like that before at all. The same when it says "saccharine and contrite". Contrite - yes (I had to look the word up, though  ), saccharine - no? I was also not sure of the emotional progression of this line:"George shook his head again. “That’s all well and good, mister, but can it wait? I’m not going back there. You come back without me. I won’t let you put me in county! You hear?” Clearly he's raised his voice by the end, but how has he got there? I'm not sure how this could be fixed, and even whether it has to be (I suspect my reading method might be playing havoc with this... or this could be an artifact of the written word). My first idea was to sprinkle some more exclamation marks around, but I hear they frown on that in the biz. Maybe expand the dialog a bit?
|
#
¿
Sep 14, 2014 15:52
|
|
|
|
| # ¿ Apr 28, 2024 03:00 |
|