Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us money per month for bills, and since we don't believe in showing ads to our users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
 
  • Locked thread
you irl
Jan 22, 2014
You may have heard that forums god emperor Rick "Lowtax" Kayak is looking to hire an advertising manager! This hot new position is a part-time gig on the bottom rung of the Something Awful LLC ladder, directly positioned so that your nose can probe Lowtax's butthole as you strive to earn enough to pay your mom back for putting your oversized hacker shirt in the laundry with the whites and discoloring all her bras.

Lowtax has authorized me to receive resumes for this illustrious position here on the forums, so that his loyal goons get first crack at sniffing his crack. Leave your credentials and if you're lucky you might work your way up to feeling Shmorky's five-o-clock shadow rasp against your cheek as you share a sensual kiss at one of the famed SA office sex parties.

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

WilltheMagicAsian
Dec 11, 2011

im gay

CharlestonJew
Jul 7, 2011

Illegal Hen
Work Experience: im gay

Luvcow
Jul 1, 2007

One day nearer spring
I will paint lowtaxs fence if he gives me a plate of corn muffins.

SirEvelynTremble
Dec 25, 2013

FUCK YOU HITLER
STALINGRAD
ROFLMFAO
dear Lowtax I have never acheived anything in my life.

please can i has the job so that I can acheive nothing for yuo also

Hometown Slime Queen
Oct 26, 2004

the GOAT
Lowtax I will review hentai games for you

You don't even have to pay me but just buy me lots of hentai games

CharlestonJew
Jul 7, 2011

Illegal Hen
i could send a bunch of e-mails to companies begging them to advertise on SA in return for sexual favors.

no ads that make noise though, those are annoying as gently caress

1gnoirents
Jun 28, 2014

hello :)

CharlestonJew posted:

i could send a bunch of e-mails to companies begging them to advertise on SA in return for sexual favors.

no ads that make noise though, those are annoying as gently caress

we should. we should have ads that make noise. just like an endless fart loop at 32 kpbs quality. but in .wav for maximum bandwidth usage

also im pretty sure you just need to use google ad and youre done

TOILETLORD
Nov 13, 2012

by XyloJW
my resume

The public doesn't scare me, i'm willing to clean a public restroom for around 20 dollars a hour.

givepatajob
Apr 8, 2003

One finds that this is the best of all possible worlds.
I plan on offering potential advertisers a DVD copy of Doom House for every $20 in billing they commit to. Such visionary thinking will surely land me the job.

www
Aug 4, 2010

whats the pay

Woof Blitzer
Dec 29, 2012

[-]
I can drive to pleasant hill and I will give lowtax some weed

CharlestonJew
Jul 7, 2011

Illegal Hen
I got 2 words for you lowtax: sex tape

Carol Pizzamom
Jul 13, 2006

a bear you feed is a bear and a steed
Fluent in:

- Linux

- Anime

- Bad car talk

- Making tea

turn it up TURN ME ON
Mar 19, 2012

In the Grim Darkness of the Future, there is only war.

...and delicious ice cream.
Professional Summary

Award-winning advertising executive with considerable talent for understanding the desires of consumers and effectively pitching and selling ideas. Especially well acquainted with the ways of chain smokers, suburban housewives, and hard drinkers. Very effective reader of body language.

Professional Experience

Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce, New York City 1963-present
Founding Partner, Creative Director

  • Won Clio Award for Glo-Coat Floor Wax advertising campaign
  • Halted new tobacco accounts in response to government's health concerns of smoking
  • Landed new accounts with Samsonite, Mountain Dew, and Life Cereal
  • Reorganized Creative staff following departure of major account

Sterling Cooper, New York City 1958-1963
Junior Partner, Creative Director

  • Called "the face" of the company by fellow partner
  • Secured lucrative account with Lucky Strike cigarettes
  • Devised and aired TV spots for 'Nixon for President' campaign

Phyll & Durrer Clothiers, New York City 1956-1958
Top-selling salesman for small, upscale midtown clothing store

  • Excelled at moving people in and out of clothing
  • Created and devised print advertisements

Honest Dick's Used Cars, Los Angeles, California 1953-1956
Used car salesman

Military Service
Lieutenant, US Army, Korean Conflict -- Awarded Purple Heart

Education
City College of New York, 1956-1958

you irl
Jan 22, 2014

www posted:

whats the pay

4.20/hr plus on fridays you get/have to wear a buttplug

CharlestonJew
Jul 7, 2011

Illegal Hen
if I take the job could I replace my pay with the ability to never get banned or probated ever?

TOILETLORD
Nov 13, 2012

by XyloJW
you know this job will really just be to act as a buffer between lowtax and shmorky.

you irl
Jan 22, 2014

CharlestonJew posted:

if I take the job could I replace my pay with the ability to never get banned or probated ever?

lowtax just texted me and said 'tell charlestonjew that hes hired and yes ill never ban or probate him'

you irl
Jan 22, 2014
wait i got a second text, it says 'sike'

ashgromnies
Jun 19, 2004

CharlestonJew posted:

if I take the job could I replace my pay with the ability to never get banned or probated ever?

nice try aatrek

Poppyseed Poundcake
Feb 23, 2007
I am an expert in running poo poo into the ground you should hire me because

EngineerSean
Feb 9, 2004

by zen death robot
Professional Summary

Award-winning advertising executive with considerable talent for understanding the desires of consumers and effectively pitching and selling ideas. Especially well acquainted with the ways of chain smokers, suburban housewives, and hard drinkers. Very effective reader of body language.

Professional Experience

Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce, New York City 1963-present
Founding Partner, Creative Director

Won Clio Award for Glo-Coat Floor Wax advertising campaign
Halted new tobacco accounts in response to government's health concerns of smoking
Landed new accounts with Samsonite, Mountain Dew, and Life Cereal
Reorganized Creative staff following departure of major account

Sterling Cooper, New York City 1958-1963
Junior Partner, Creative Director

Called "the face" of the company by fellow partner
Secured lucrative account with Lucky Strike cigarettes
Devised and aired TV spots for 'Nixon for President' campaign

Phyll & Durrer Clothiers, New York City 1956-1958
Top-selling salesman for small, upscale midtown clothing store

Excelled at moving people in and out of clothing
Created and devised print advertisements

Honest Dick's Used Cars, Los Angeles, California 1953-1956
Used car salesman

Military Service
Lieutenant, US Army, Korean Conflict -- Awarded Purple Heart

Education
City College of New York, 1956-1958

EngineerSean
Feb 9, 2004

by zen death robot
Oh sorry looks like I already applied.

SLICK GOKU BABY
Jun 12, 2001

Hey Hey Let's Go! 喧嘩する
大切な物を protect my balls


13 years of experience as a goon, give me job that pays 6 figures. Thanks!

GABA ghoul
Oct 29, 2011

i made a funny post once never got to post it though, so i technically have no evidence

Senior Management
Jul 3, 2011



I don't know what the gently caress you are talking about I mix every color in the wash and nothing bad has ever happened I just don't give a gently caress.

Chumbawumba4ever97
Dec 31, 2000

by Fluffdaddy
Emplomynet History

  • Caldor's (1987-2001)
  • Circuit City (2001-2003)
  • CompUSA (2003-2003)

Education
  • Hackensack Junior High
  • The Oliverian School for Troubled Youths (GPA 2.774)


Compensation Expectations

  • Health insurance with reasonable copays and no deductibles
  • 15 paid vacation days; 20 after ten years of service

Over There
Jun 28, 2013

by Azathoth
E: wrong thread

you irl
Jan 22, 2014
additional requirements from lowtax:

must be gay
must unironically call for the destruction of israel
must hail satan
must have known

Tsinava
Nov 15, 2009

by Ralp
Lowtax please let me live in your house with you for free and give me an allowance like you do with shmorky. I'm extremely quiet, clean, and polite, and will grow food from whatever patches of soil on your property that you aren't utilizing.

For my resume, see my post history. Thank you for your consideration.

you irl
Jan 22, 2014

Vynar posted:

I don't know what the gently caress you are talking about I mix every color in the wash and nothing bad has ever happened I just don't give a gently caress.

god mom shut UP about your bras my friends are here were trying to play risk now go AWAY!!!

proof of concept
Mar 6, 2005

by FactsAreUseless
I put together a video resume
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLKnCeeAW48

Clockwerk
Apr 6, 2005


I choose not to communicate with other persons verbally (animals are ok), will this interfere with my hiring potential?

cis white male
Jul 5, 2014

i'm a fag i'm a lesbian
how do ads even exist anymore? even if joe america is too dumb to have adblock like less than 1% of folks will intentionally click on a banner ad

WilltheMagicAsian
Dec 11, 2011

Looking for a goon that can pretend to be DocEvil and write for the front page

you irl
Jan 22, 2014

cis white male posted:

how do ads even exist anymore? even if joe america is too dumb to have adblock like less than 1% of folks will intentionally click on a banner ad

1% of america's population is over 3 million people

Poppyseed Poundcake
Feb 23, 2007
I will make sure no Jew businesses do business on this site

Doublestep
Sep 8, 2013

Keep on keeping on!

you irl posted:

4.20/hr plus on fridays you get/have to wear a buttplug

(shmorky joke)

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

www
Aug 4, 2010

AirCav58 posted:

I will make sure no Jew businesses do business on this site

hire this man

  • Locked thread