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Reverend Sub-Zero
Jan 11, 2008

Filladelfia Pliers

VJeff posted:


21. STEBE MASON
Team: Philadelphia Flyers
Nationality: Canadian
Age: 26
Draft Class: 2006
Hardware: 2008-09 Calder Cup Trophy Winner, Best. Mask. Ever.
2013-14 GAA: 2.50
2013-14 SV%: .917
2013-14 W/L: 33-18-7

:tastykake:

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somethingblue
Sep 25, 2005

Just chiming in here to say these are super duper rad. Thanks for the reads VJeff!

MJeff
Jun 2, 2011

THE LIAR
btw, that Giroux joke is probably my favorite I've written so far, so I hope you guys liked it.

reach42
May 20, 2008

Satan is my lord
Bribe officials and kill goats
Hail Satan, Go Hawks
Stebe.

DJExile
Jun 28, 2007


VJeff posted:

btw, that Giroux joke is probably my favorite I've written so far, so I hope you guys liked it.

it was pretty great, i have to say

anotherblownsave
Feb 26, 2008

The sponsors will like you better this way, trust me.

Man these essays are amazing! Keep it up vJeff! 5'd

Emetic Hustler
May 5, 2009

Reading about Stebe, it occurred to me that goalies that come into the league usually post excellent numbers, but the next year they rarely equal those numbers. I didn't check any stats, so maybe I am way off. Perhaps it has to do that the scouting isn't up to date for the new guys and once they've played some games in the league their game gets picked a part and next season the book on them is known to every player in the league.

Hand Knit
Oct 24, 2005

Beer Loses more than a game Sunday ...
We lost our Captain, our Teammate, our Friend Kelly Calabro...
Rest in Peace my friend you will be greatly missed..

Emetic Hustler posted:

Reading about Stebe, it occurred to me that goalies that come into the league usually post excellent numbers, but the next year they rarely equal those numbers. I didn't check any stats, so maybe I am way off. Perhaps it has to do that the scouting isn't up to date for the new guys and once they've played some games in the league their game gets picked a part and next season the book on them is known to every player in the league.

Another factor is probably that most goalies are very up and down, and all players (not just goalies) are much more likely to get promoted when they're running hot.

Thunderhorse Z
Sep 29, 2010

We're in a tight spot.

VJeff posted:

he had been playing with mono for the past month!

Or was he just really bored?

MJeff
Jun 2, 2011

THE LIAR

Emetic Hustler posted:

Reading about Stebe, it occurred to me that goalies that come into the league usually post excellent numbers, but the next year they rarely equal those numbers. I didn't check any stats, so maybe I am way off. Perhaps it has to do that the scouting isn't up to date for the new guys and once they've played some games in the league their game gets picked a part and next season the book on them is known to every player in the league.

In this case, I don't think you can underrate how much firing Hitch affected things. The team wasn't great, but was kinda middling, close to a spot under Hitch and then they made the 8th seed and then when he was fired, they COMPLETELY bottomed out until 2013.

MJeff
Jun 2, 2011

THE LIAR

20. RYAN MILLER
Team: Vancouver Canucks
Nationality: American
Age: 34
Draft Class: 1999
Hardware: 2010 NHL First Team All Star, 2010 NHL Foundation Player Award, 2010 Vezina Trophy Winner, 2010 Olympic MVP, 2010 Most Asymmetrical Face
2013-14 GAA: 2.64
2013-14 SV%: .918
2013-14 W/L: 25-30-4 in 59 games

Ryan Miller would've been a lot higher on this list if he had stayed on the Sabres the entire year. I just wanna say that first because it's loving hilarious.

Miller is a product of the Sabres organization and the :hist101: MICHIGAN STATE SPARTANS :hist101:. He established himself as the Sabres starting goalie in the latter half of the 2005-06 season when he led them all the way to the conference finals before the team all got the loving flu or something and got their asses beat by the Hurricanes. Kind of a shame 'cause Sabres-Oilers would've been a pretty fun finals for the whole "man both these teams stink but now they're kinda good?" factor. Although let's be real if the Oilers hadn't lost Roloson in Game 1, they probably would've Prongered their way to a cup no problem.

Man, Roloson was so cool and so loving loving unlucky. I really wish he would've pulled off that cup win with the Bolts. That was the coolest. Fuckin' Tim Thomas. :(

What?

Oh poo poo, right, Miller.

So Miller won 40 games in 2006-07 and got the Sabres to the Conference Finals again with an awesome 2.22 and .920 (which were apparently pretty drat good stats back in the mid 00's!) where they unfortunately got pasted again, this time by the Ottawa Senators. The Senators went on to lose in 5 to the Ducks (Prongered again!) and that was, unfortunately as close as the Sabres would ever get to the cup. Miller continued being an outstanding goaltender, establishing himself as a premier goalie in the league and the best American Goalie currently active in the game. 2010 was far and away the best year of his career, earning the spot as starting goalie for Team USA and taking the team all the way to the Gold Medal Game, where they lost, but Ryan was given honors as best goaltender and tournament MVP. He also won the Vezina Trophy back in the NHL as the league's best goaltender, but unfortunately, the Sabres were bounced in the first round by Boston, then again in 2011 by Philadelphia.

The Sabres haven't made the playoffs since, scrapping for a spot and falling short a couple times and being unbelievably unequivocally AWFUL a couple other times and this was with Miller still playing like one of the best goalies in the world. Without him, they'd have been an absolute garbage tire fire.

And then, last year, they traded him to the St. Louis Blues! So now we get to see that garbage fire in real time. Seriously, the Sabres are 1-6 right now and have nine goals. This could be history making stuff here. But that's neither here nor there! Because Ryan Miller was traded to the Blues, a team with a rigid defense, young offensive stars like Vladimir Tarasenko and T.J. Oshie (:swoon:). Adding an elite goalie like Ryan Miller to the mix made them sure contenders. No more blown tires in the first two rounds, the Blues were legit this time and they were gon-

OH YOU DUMB SONS OF BITCHES.

Yeah, the Blues made Ryan Miller change his goaltending style to be "back in the net a little more" in the middle of the year and I'm seriously wondering if there's a situation where that garbage has ever worked out. I understand the Blues play a very stifling kind of defense that focuses on giving up few shots, but come on, this is the style of play that made Miller the goalie that you traded for! IF YOU JUST WANTED HIM TO PLAY LIKE A DIFFERENT GOALIE, WHY DID YOU TRADE FOR HIM?

Spoiler alert, the changes didn't work out, the Blues tumbled badly down the stretch and when they went into their first round series with the Blackhawks, it looked like things might be okay as, despite being dominated pretty badly, the Blues squeaked out a couple OT victories to open a 2-0 lead.

Haha, just kidding. They immediately lost four in a row. Miller allowed 15 goals in four games of a backdoor sweep but frankly, the Blues sucked in all those games, so I'm not gonna be too quick to put the blame on him, even if all the methhead douchebags in Scottrade Center suddenly think it's okay to boo the only guy on the ice for your team that actually seems to give a poo poo. Probably all Cardinals fans anyway. God, how I hate them. Miller ended the playoffs with a crummy 2.70 and .897 and again, I don't think he's the one to blame for that when the Blues made him change his style and then all the skaters on the ice crapped their pants in unison in front of him. Apparently Blues management was too stupid to figure that out, because they let the best goalie they'd had in years walk in free agency and decided to go back to the superstud tandem of Brian Elliott and Jake Allen. I'll enjoy watching them flame out in the first two rounds and never figure out why for years to come.

As for Miller, he was an unrestricted free agent with his choice of where to sign for the first time in his career. He could truly choose his own way, hook on to a contender that would let him play his own style and make a real run at capturing the only prize he's yet to earn, Lord Stanley's Cu-



...or, there's. Vancouver too.

...are we sure this boy isn't a masochist?

Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm not making any judgment here. I'm just asking.

Count: 974 Words
Total Count So Far: 19,240

Aphrodite
Jun 27, 2006

You're really not going to put in the bit about how his rubber neck changed goaltender interference forever?

MJeff
Jun 2, 2011

THE LIAR

Aphrodite posted:

You're really not going to put in the bit about how his rubber neck changed goaltender interference forever?

You mean the Lucic thing? In retrospect, I really should've included that.

GuavaMoment
Aug 13, 2006

YouTube dude
All this talk about Roloson and Turco...what's it going to take to get essays on goaltenders less elite than James Russell Howard III?

Gunjin
Apr 27, 2004

Om nom nom

GuavaMoment posted:

All this talk about Roloson and Turco...what's it going to take to get essays on goaltenders less elite than James Russell Howard III?

I think enough words have already been written about Brodeur's last season.

Pat Clements
Feb 10, 2008

GuavaMoment posted:

All this talk about Roloson and Turco...what's it going to take to get essays on goaltenders less elite than James Russell Howard III?
I would like to file a special petition for an Evgeni Nabokov essay, because people already have forgotten his MAF-like propensity for soft playoff goals at the worst time imaginable.

Rotten Cookies
Nov 11, 2008

gosh! i like both the islanders and the rangers!!! :^)

Pat Clements posted:

I would like to file a special petition for an Evgeni Nabokov essay, because people already have forgotten his MAF-like propensity for soft playoff goals at the worst time imaginable.

He out-MAFfed MAF when the Isles played the Pens in tge playoffs.

MJeff
Jun 2, 2011

THE LIAR
That wasn't really MAFing, that was just being old and terrible.


Gunjin posted:

I think enough words have already been written about Brodeur's last season.

Stay tuned.

Reverend Sub-Zero
Jan 11, 2008

Filladelfia Pliers

VJeff posted:

Stay tuned.

:allears:

Pleads
Jun 9, 2005

pew pew pew


VJeff posted:

As for Miller, he was an unrestricted free agent with his choice of where to sign for the first time in his career. He could truly choose his own way, hook on to a contender that would let him play his own style and make a real run at capturing the only prize he's yet to earn, Lord Stanley's Cu-
Also Olympic gold :colbert:

MJeff
Jun 2, 2011

THE LIAR
Let's be real, America's never getting back to the gold medal game before everybody currently running Hockey USA is dead and buried.

Aphrodite
Jun 27, 2006

Also the talent thing.

MJeff
Jun 2, 2011

THE LIAR

19. ROBERTO LUONGO
Team: Florida Panthers
Nationality: Canadian
Age: 35
Draft Class: 1997
Hardware: Four Time NHL All-Star (2004, 2007, 2008, 2009), 2011 William M. Jennings Trophy, Two Time Olympic Gold Medal (2010, 2014)
2013-14 GAA: 2.40
2013-14 SV%: .919
2013-14 W/L: 25-23-7 in 56 games

There's not much you can say about Roberto Luongo that hasn't already been said. The guy's had a crazy up-and-down career that's taken him to three different teams, he's represented his country in the olympics twice, he's been anointed "the chosen one" and then shut down for other, younger, hipper goalies multiple times. He's made it as close to the top of the mountain as anybody and been kicked back down to the bottom about as fiercely as you can be. And through it all, he's lost lots and lots and lots of shootouts.

I could just do the typical thing here, summarize Luongo's career and do my bit of editorializing for it. I could talk about him replacing old fatso in the Olympics. I could talk about him taking his team to the Stanley Cup finals before they all shat their pants around him. I could talk about his twitter account, legitimately the funniest thing in the entirety of the NHL (and if you're not following @strombone1 then seriously, what the eff is wrong with you), but seriously, it's been done and I really can't do justice to it.

At an impasse for what to do to honor this luminary of goaltending, I reached out to Roberto Luongo himself and he was incredibly helpful. He agreed to pass along a few excerpts from his personal poetry collection to help. I would like to thank Mr. Luongo for his generous contribution to the project. He is a gentleman and a scholar and I always liked him more than that creepy ginger kid anyway.

Okay, the contract I signed said I had to say that last part if I was gonna use these poems. Now, without further ado, Roberto Luongo, everybody:



Mil-Blunder

Drafted me, made Salo cry.
I ask myself, why won't he die.
Every time he made a move.
Like that time in the crease I went number two.
Razzed me for not being properly prepared.
Dude, I looked at one apartment, who cares?
Said I was his guy, the future, the only one!
Then he drafts DiPi, I'm off to the state of the sun.
So he signs poor Rick to this massive contract?
Nobody can live up to that, he's getting sent to the racks.
Signs Yashin to some kinda megadeal too.
Aren't they still paying that dude?
Among Islanders faithful, he is the darndest.
Well, at least now they've got Tavares?



The Big Bad Devil (emphasis on bad) (emphasis on big too)

My good friend Cory, not a liar
Out of the frying pan and into the fat, fat fire.
Almost wishes he was on the waiver wire.
The Stadium Series, a 7-goal quagmire.
For putting up with this poo poo, the Schneid, I admire.
Goals against climbs higher and higher.
Thought they'd make the playoffs? Now you're a crier.
His goaltending legacy grows ever more dire.
Won't fit in the trapezoid if he gets any wider.
Holy poo poo, Marty. Just retire.



Ode to the Orca

I remember it dearly, after Game 5.
It was the last time, we felt truly alive.
Then off to Boston for Game 6.
There, our sacks, they truly did kick.
It mattered not, we felt close to heaven.
Back to our home, for Game 7.
But when the goals did start to rain.
Our guy Gillis went completely insane.
See ya Christian, off to Buffalo,
To the same division, I soon will go.
The new guy, Hodgson, to the Sabres too?
Are the wings in buffalo really THAT goo(d)?
Swept by the fish, so long Dr. V.
Welcome in Torts, outrageous as can be.
I dunno what that poo poo with Calgary was.
Or why against LA, we caused such a fuss.
Lackie in the Heritage Classic was the last straw.
I nearly grabbed my stick and beat that Boston fucker raw!
That's it. I'm done. No more for me.
I'm off to the land of Panthers and palmtrees.
While we rebuild, the 'Nucks continue to sink.
No Torts, no Mike, no more fans at the rink.
Is my beloved orca truly on the ropes?
Meh. Not my problem. Cya dopes.


He is so freaking talented.

Count: 733 Words
Total Count So Far: 19,973

HELLO LADIES
Feb 15, 2008
:3 -$5 :3
I can't believe I thought you'd blown your load after Karri Ramo :stare:

CBJSprague24
Dec 5, 2010

another game at nationwide arena. everybody keeps asking me if they can fuck the cannon. buddy, they don't even let me fuck it

These are awesome and I'd love to see a "Best Of" of the goalies worse than Jimmy Howard.

VJeff posted:

In this case, I don't think you can underrate how much firing Hitch affected things. The team wasn't great, but was kinda middling, close to a spot under Hitch and then they made the 8th seed and then when he was fired, they COMPLETELY bottomed out until 2013.

This is why I posted about "cutting the head off the snake". I think Hitch was a partial scapegoat for Howson's myriad of shortcomings. Horrifyingly enough, Howson was safe as long as he didn't have anyone credible above him and, at that point, he didn't; Mike Priest was President and a total buffoon who knew nothing about hockey (even using corporate personality tests to gauge hockey coaches), and ownership seemed to keep him around because he was a nice guy and all. It was John Davidson who sent Priest to the business side of the house and later canned Howson, which is ironic seeing as Howson is the one who championed JD's hiring.

Hitch's firing LOOKED justified when the CBJ went like 14-6-0 to start Arniel's first season (and had another like 13-3-3 run, negated by two lovely stints), but we all know where that went. Then Howson waited half a season before giving up on Arniel.

goldrush
Sep 27, 2005

~~~No Worries~~~

VJeff posted:

19. ROBERTO LUONGO


:golfclap:
Beautiful.

Veskit
Mar 2, 2005

I love capitalism!! DM me for the best investing advice!
With the quality of these posts, I hope your final final essay is for Jimmy Howard.

Gregor Samsa
Sep 5, 2007
Nietzsche's Mustache

Veskit posted:

With the quality of these posts, I hope your final final essay is for Jimmy Howard.

I think Brodeur should get an honorary essay.

MJeff
Jun 2, 2011

THE LIAR
Bonus content will be given proper consideration after the conclusion of the core project.

EDIT: To elaborate, currently, my plan is to write and post the remaining 18 essays. Then I'm gonna look over them and do any addendums I want (top of the list right now is Mike Smith scoring a goal/the butt goal and Ryan Miller's brush up with Lucic, plus him loving tackling a dude whose name I cannot recall right now for the life of me). Then I'll consider bonus content like "Goalies Less Elite Than Jimmy Howard" and so on.

MJeff fucked around with this message at 04:42 on Oct 25, 2014

Aphrodite
Jun 27, 2006

I think to truly keep in spirit you need to not write anything about Howard.

CBJSprague24
Dec 5, 2010

another game at nationwide arena. everybody keeps asking me if they can fuck the cannon. buddy, they don't even let me fuck it

If the Wiki were still around, these would be worth copy/pasting as entries. They'd fit perfectly.

RC Cola
Aug 1, 2011

Dovie'andi se tovya sagain

VJeff posted:

Bonus content will be given proper consideration after the conclusion of the core project.

EDIT: To elaborate, currently, my plan is to write and post the remaining 18 essays. Then I'm gonna look over them and do any addendums I want (top of the list right now is Mike Smith scoring a goal/the butt goal and Ryan Miller's brush up with Lucic, plus him loving tackling a dude whose name I cannot recall right now for the life of me). Then I'll consider bonus content like "Goalies Less Elite Than Jimmy Howard" and so on.

Please send all of these to Lu. It'll make him happy

MJeff
Jun 2, 2011

THE LIAR

18. KARI LEHTONEN
Team: Dallas Stars
Nationality: Finnish
Age: 30
Draft Class: 2002
Hardware: 2007 World Championships Silver Medal, 2014 Olympic Bronze Medal, Guinness Book of World Records: "First Man to Become An NHL Goalies With A Groin Made of Plaster"
2013-14 GAA: 2.41
2013-14 SV%: .919
2013-14 W/L: 33-20-10 in 65 Games

Kari Lehtonen - awesome name for goalie puns, by the way. If he's doing good, you can say "HE AIN'T LEHTONEN ANY GOALS!" and hold your hand up for a high five that you'll never get and if he's doing lovely, you can say "I guess he's Kari LEHT-ONE-EN tonight, eh? eh? eh?" and elbow the guy next to you until he punches you in the loving face because you can't stop making your horrible loving puns. Puns are the lowest form of humor, you piece of garbage. Get your life together. Jesus Christ.

So yeah, Kari Lehtonen. A product of the Atlanta Thrashers (remember them? Me neither) system, drafted 2nd overall in 2002. Thing about the Thrashers is, boy howdy did they suck the fantastic. They were bad. Really bad. Despite having like, Hossa, Kovalchuk and Heatley all at the same time. Is that true? I dunno, but I'm not going to research it because that'd involve researching the Thrashers. But Lehtonen was really bad with the Thrashers and struggled to stick with the club, bouncing between them and their AHL affiliate the Chicago Wolves a couple of times. His best year with them was 2006-07 when he posted 34 wins and led the Thrashers to their first and as of right now only playoff berth, seeing as Winnipeg hasn't gotten their poo poo together yet either. He started two games against the New York Rangers and Johan Hedberg started the other two. Neither were very good and the Rangers scored a video game-esque 17 goals en route to being swept out of the playoffs. Eventually, the Thrashers gave up on Lehtonen and traded him to the Dallas Stars.

Have I mentioned that the Thrashers are loving stupid? 'Cause it actually turned out that Lehtonen is really good.

Lehtonen became the Stars starting goalie quickly, giving the Stars stability in goal after the departure of, ah, goaltending luminary Marty Turco a couple years back. Unfortunately, the rest of the Stars kind of, ah, stunk about as bad as the Thrashers had. Lehtonen posted a few good years, ratcheting up over 30 wins twice, but the Stars kept just missing the playoffs (by one agonizing point in 2010-11). Enter Jimmy Nill, former Red Wings man, who immediately started shaking things up by acquiring Rich "The Motherfucker" Peverly and Tyler "The Motherfucker" Seguin. These new additions helped the Stars squeak into the playoffs for the first time in six years in 2013-14 where they almost pulled off an upset of the Anaheim Ducks, but came up just a couple goals short. Lehtonen was unfortunately not all he could've been, posting a 3.29 and a .885 in a short six-game sample. The Stars are getting better all the time and with the addition of Jason "The Motherfucker" Spezza to give the team a bit more offensive punch, Lehtonen could be in a position to backstop the Stars into becoming legit contenders again.

....so yeah, Lehtonen is a good goalie who's puts up good stats since coming to the Stars and has missed a lot of time with groin injuries to the point where it's kind of a running joke, but hasn't had much more than a cup of coffee in the playoffs. Not very interesting. But there is something that's very interesting: this dude has the craziest masks ever. I'm gonna show you some of the masks he's had since entering the NHL.


See the drawing on the back there? That's the Hamburglar. Because apparently while he was in the AHL, Lehtonen became so enamored with McDonald's hamburgers, he earned the nickname "Hamburglar" from his teammates. Nobody ever said hockey players are original, but it's still funny as hell on the back of a mask.


Here's Lehtonen with rapper Lil Jon! Lehotnen was a big fan of Lil Jon, so he got a picture of him on the back of his mask.


Uma Thurman and Lucy Liu from Kill Bill and Heath Ledger as the Joker from The Dark Knight.


I'm not makin' this up - that's Rikku and Yuna from Final Fantasy 10. Apparently, Lehtonen never even played the game, he just saw some commercials for it on TV (apparently there was a time when Final Fantasy got ads on TV in America) and thought the characters looked cool. Personally, I like this next one more.


Optimus motherfucking Prime. This has gotta be my favorite one although, unfortunately, it never saw an actual game and was only used in warm-ups. Lehtonen continued his trend of unique designs when he was traded to Dallas.


Chuck Norris jokes stopped being funny like four years ago, but this is still pretty great. The flag on the back is a nice touch.


A bit of old west flavor fitting of a Dallas goalie, this one has characters from the movie Tombstone on it.

Unfortunately, Lehtonen went with a much more straightforward team branding to go with the Stars' new uniforms (which I think are pretty cool) last year and this year. I'm not blaming his boring mask for him losing to the Ducks in the playoffs last year. I'm just saying, maybe if he got the dog from Duck Hunt on there, it'd intimidate Getzlaf's bald rear end a little.

....you guys want one more? Okay, here's a Ned Flanders mask from Peter Budaj. Google it, there's seriously tons of these.


This poo poo is why I love goalies, man.

Count: 962 Words
Total Count So Far: 20,935

darkwolf220
May 14, 2009

SOON :stare:

That is actually Rikku and Yuna from FFX-2 :eng101: . The characters were completely redesigned for the sequel to meet their :flashfap: quotient to go along with the semi-naked, excessively long and pretty tacky dress sphere system.


Also, no discussion of goalie masks is complete without kitten:

darkwolf220 fucked around with this message at 03:05 on Oct 26, 2014

toe knee hand
Jun 20, 2012

HANSEN ON A BREAKAWAY

HONEY BADGER DON'T SCORE
Haha, who is that?

BearDrivingTruck
Oct 15, 2011

You see the most shocking sights sometimes
Puns are the best, you're off your rocker.

darkwolf220
May 14, 2009

SOON :stare:

toe knee hand posted:

Haha, who is that?

Vasiliy Koshechkin of Metallurg in the KHL. He was drafted back in 2002 by the Lightning and it is doubtful he ever makes it to the NHL. That being said, he was great in the KHL last year (30-12-8, 1.88 GGA, 0.940 SV%) and is lighting it up already this year (13-2-4, 1.49 GGA, 0.946 SV%). That is good enough to lead both stats. Go kitten :toot:

Aurora
Jan 7, 2008

toe knee hand posted:

Haha, who is that?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vasiliy_Koshechkin according to reverse image search.

e: f;b

CBJSprague24
Dec 5, 2010

another game at nationwide arena. everybody keeps asking me if they can fuck the cannon. buddy, they don't even let me fuck it

The "Cat" writing on the front of the mask looks like it was taken right out of a kid's coloring book. :allears:

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MJeff
Jun 2, 2011

THE LIAR
Comic Sans, gross.

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