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  • Locked thread
Heaf
Jan 15, 2008

People say we suck at sports but they don't understand
It's hard to catch with holes right through your hands
Lehtonen's Kill Bill mask has the "ATL" on the chin in the style of the OutKast logo, which is pretty cool.

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Chairman Wao
Mar 5, 2013

go star
The yearly bit on goalie masks and pads is pretty much the only time I pay attention to that Uni Watch blog.

MJeff
Jun 2, 2011

THE LIAR
Oh poo poo son, it's :confused: Double Who The gently caress Is That Sunday :confused:


17. AL MONTOYA
Team: Florida Panthers
Nationality: American
Age: 29
Draft Class: 2004
Hardware: 2004 World Junior Championship Gold Medal, First Cuban American to play in the NHL (that's not a joke, it's just loving cool)
2013-14 GAA: 2.30
2013-14 SV%: .920
2013-14 W/L: 13-8-3 in 28 games.

Al Montoya's career trajectory is interesting to me, not because of anything he's ever done, but because of some of the slop and garbage he's been stuck behind in his career while actually putting up pretty decent stats himself. Montoya was drafted by the Rangers and then traded to the Coyotes, where he spent most of his time with their AHL affiliate, the San Antonio Rampage. Eventually, the Coyotes got sick of him too (maybe he had a body odor problem? I dunno) and they traded him to the New York Islanders to play in place of injured starter, Rick DiPietro (what are the odds?!).

so yeah, Rick DiPietro. Ricky. DiPi. Let's talk about him. Rick DiPietro was drafted 1st overall in 2000 for some loving reason by a team that had already drafted Roberto Luongo 4th overall just three years prior. So what did the Islanders do? Why, they traded Luongo and Olli Jokinen for a basket of leaves, obviously.

God, Milbury was so lovely.

So yeah, they traded Luongo and made DiPietro their starter. DiPi was good-ish for his first couple years as the Islanders starter racking up 30+ wins and putting up okay stats, at which point the Islanders went bugfuck insane and signed him to 15 year contract worth 67.5 million dollars.

Now, even if DiPietro had been healthy the entire time, that would've been a stupid loving decision. There's just too many variables in a goalie's career and they're always so up and down. Giving out that kind of contract is just asking for it to backfire somehow and backfire it loving did. After signing the contract prior to the 2006-07 season, DiPietro would play a total of 175 more games in the NHL in the next six years. 125 of those games? Would come in the next two years. So from 2008-09 forward, from year 3 of his 15 year contract forward, DiPietro played a total of 45 NHL games. The injuries just refused to stop piling up for the guy. Concussions, repeated surgeries and injuries to his knee, he got into a loving fight with the Penguins backup goaltender and got clocked in the face, going down for 4-6 weeks with facial fractures and knee swelling. Another concussion. A groin injury. A hernia. Eventually, the Islanders gave up - at this point, Montoya and Evgeni Nabokov had played well enough in the many, many absences of DiPietro that the Islanders wanted out. Using a compliance buyout they got due to the 2012-13 CBA (basically a pair of get out of jail free card for retard GMs), they washed their hands of DiPietro forever and I guess it's fitting that the guys who drafted him and ruined his career put the last nail in the coffin.

Meanwhile! Montoya left the Islanders as a free agent and signed with the Jets, where he played as back-up to Ondrej Pavalec. Pavalec doesn't have some huge greek tragedy poo poo story behind him. He's just garbage but the Jets are paying him for five years for some reason. But he still somehow drew a lot of starts in 2013-14, leading to Montoya just barely qualifying for this essay with a .920 in 28 games. Montoya left the Jets as a free agent and is now Roberto Luongo's backup over in Florida. Crossing my fingers that Montoya isn't actually cursed and that Luongo isn't about to turn into a pile of molten hot garbage.

Count: 617 Words
Total Count So Far: 21,502

MJeff fucked around with this message at 02:25 on Oct 27, 2014

MJeff
Jun 2, 2011

THE LIAR

16. THOMAS GREISS
Team: Pittsburgh Penguins
Nationality: Germany
Age: 28
Draft Class: 2004
Hardware: National Hockey League Drama Association MVP for portrayal of Mola Ram in "Temple of Doom on Ice"
2013-14 GAA: 2.29
2013-14 SV%: .920
2013-14 W/L: 10-8-5 in 25 games

25 games? Seriously? gently caress me, why didn't I think to set a 40 GP requirement when I started this...

Okay, so, Greiss is a German goaltender and a product of the San Jose Sharks system. Like, literally his entire career has been spent as a backup and most of it has been for the San Jose Sharks. He's played 1 game in the playoffs in 2010, I'm assuming in relief of Evgeni Nabakov when Franzen destroyed the Sharks in Game 4 of their series against the Red Wings but it's so goddamn boring I can't bring myself to actually look that up and verify it. He's never started a game in the playoffs or played more than 25 games in the NHL, his career high coming last year as backup for the Phoenix Coyotes. And therein lies the only halfway interesting thing about Thomas Greiss as a goaltender.

Late in the Coyotes season, Coyotes starter Mike Smith was knocked out with an injury by - who the gently caress else - the New York Rangers. The injury knocked out Smith for the rest of the year, leaving the Coyotes' season to Greiss. He got off to a pretty loving inauspicious start, surrendering the tying goal to the Rangers and then the game winning goal in OT. Greiss lost 7 of the final 10 games of the seasonn he played for the Coyotes, going 3-3-4 and leading the Coyotes right out of a playoff spot. I don't like blaming the goaltender in this kind situation, but when you're blowing leads to team like the Oilers, you kinda gotta wear it and Greiss just didn't do crap to help his team when they needed him most. Then again, the Coyotes were pretty garbage at scoring in this stretch too (got shut out twice, scored two or fewer goals six times), so maybe I should lighten up on Greiss.

Still though, if he doesn't blow those leads to the Oilers and Rangers, the Coyotes probably would've made the playoffs. And blowing a lead to the Oilers ever is pretty garbage.



Okay, that time was pretty cool.

Count: 357 Words
Total Count So Far: 21,859

DJExile
Jun 28, 2007


I believe Al Montoya's ever-present moon on the back of his mask is a nod to his cuban heritage, which is really cool

Rotten Cookies
Nov 11, 2008

gosh! i like both the islanders and the rangers!!! :^)

17. Al Montoya

So, Rick DiPietro.

Sashimi
Dec 26, 2008


College Slice

Rotten Cookies posted:

17. Al Montoya

So, Rick DiPietro.
How can you avoid talking about DiPietro when Islanders goaltending comes up? It's like telling a dog to stay when there's a big, juicy, fresh off the grill steak sitting right in front of him, tempting him with its delicious, permeating aroma.

Except its idiocy and a comedy spiral of injuries that draws us in.

Rotten Cookies
Nov 11, 2008

gosh! i like both the islanders and the rangers!!! :^)

Sashimi posted:

How can you avoid talking about DiPietro when Islanders goaltending comes up? It's like telling a dog to stay when there's a big, juicy, fresh off the grill steak sitting right in front of him, tempting him with its delicious, permeating aroma.

Except its idiocy and a comedy spiral of injuries that draws us in.

When you're an Islanders fan, you do whatever you can to delude yourself that DiPietro and Milbury never happened.

MJeff
Jun 2, 2011

THE LIAR
I wanted to try and evenly talk about both DiPi and Pavalec too to play up the angle that Montoya's played behind some really bad goaltenders, but after the greek tragedy that is DiPi's career, Pavalec just being a run-of-the-mill overpaid terrible goalie doesn't really measure up, so I curtailed it.

MJeff
Jun 2, 2011

THE LIAR

15. HENRIK LUNDQVIST
Team: New York Rangers
Nationality: Swedish
Age: 32
Draft Class: 2000
Hardware: Three Time NHL All-Star, 2012 Vezina Trophy, 2006 Olympic Gold Medal, 2014 Olympic Silver Medal, New York Rangers MVP (literally every loving year since 2007)
2013-14 GAA: 2.36
2013-14 SV%: .920
2013-14 W/L: 33-24-5

No, I didn't spend 30 minutes looking at pictures of Lundqvist on Google Image Search before starting this essay. That's stupid. You're stupid. I think you spent 30 minutes looking at Lundqvist's beautiful smile and sharp fashion sense before managing to get a single word ou -

gently caress. Goaltending. We're talking about goaltending. Right.

Henrik Lundqvist has spent his entire career (and likely will spend the rest of it) with the team that drafted him, the New York Rangers. And boy loving howdy did they hit the jackpot with him. Do you wanna know why the Rangers have been relevant at ANY point in the last 10 years? It sure as poo poo isn't Uncle Glen handing out a mega contract to this year's busted old guy free agent du jour, it sure isn't him trading valuable assets for an overrated superstar and it sure isn't superstuds of the coaching circuit, John Tortorella and Tom Renney (who are respectively doing "gently caress" and "ALL" right now, I believe). It's Lundqvist. IT'S ALL LUNDQVIST. And some Gaborik. BUT ALMOST ALL LUNDQVIST.

Lundqvist became the Rangers' starter in 2005 and he's basically been making the league his bitch every year since then. Always starting 60-70 games, always getting 30-40 wins, putting up as many as 8, 10 or 11 shutouts in a single year, the dude just hasn't faltered since he became an NHL goaltender. He's legitimately one of the most consistently great goalies in the modern era of the NHL. I can't think of a single time he was injured for a significant stretch or had to put up with some goaltending controversy bullshit. He's been the Rangers MVP literally every year for the last seven years, he's been a Vezina finalist five times and a Vezina winner once. People hype this guy up for a reason. They call him "King Henrik" for a reason. Because he's the loving best there is at what he does and what he does best isn't very nice is stop the drat puck.

So I know what you're probably thinking at this point - okay well if this guy is so loving great and he's a Vezina finalist or whatever, why is he at like 15th on this list? Well, see, uh, the NHL kinda changed the regulations on the size of a goalie's padding? And it sure seemed to affect Lundqvist a bit more severely than it did everybody else.


Okay, a lot more severely. But he fixed it! Really, just keep reading.

So now you're probably thinking, okay, that makes sense. So, wow, this guy's been in the league for forever, he's been nominated for the Vezina a ton of times, he kicks rear end! He must have won like, three cups by now, right?!

Aaaaauuuuuuuuuuhhhhbboooooout that.

The playoffs has sort of been the, uh, sticky wicket in Lundqvist's career so far. He's gotten them there 8 out of 9 years he's been the Rangers' starter! Just, they've kinda gotten blown out in the first two rounds every time except two. First they got blown out by loving fatso and the Devils (and boy oh boy did Henrik get shelled in that one), then they paid it forward on the Thrashers before getting knocked around by Ryan Miller and the Sabres and Chris Drury in particularly took his pound of flesh which really screwed the Rangers when they promptly signed him the next Summer as a free agent. Then they lost to the Caps the next year when :ussr: Old Man Fedorov :ussr: beat Lundqvist in Game 7 and really, pimping goals ain't my thing here, but I'm gonna take off my pro-goalie pants for a sec here because this goal was seriously just loving awesome.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13YovsXTL-A

Miss you, Feds.

Then in 2009-10, the Rangers missed the playoffs on the last day, ceding their spot to the Flyers, who only went on to stage one of the greatest comebacks ever on the Bruins and make the Stanley Cup Finals. The next year, they were dealt another defeat by the Caps and this one was pretty bad, but man, Lundqvist did basically everything he could here. The Rangers score 1 or 0 goals in three out of five of these games. You can't win hockey games like that! The next year was significantly different, with the Rangers making their first real dent in the postseason in 15 years. They defeated the Senators and finally dispatched the Caps, thanks in no small part to Lundqvist, who was absolutely amazing in both series. They were heading to the Conference Finals, only four wins away from a chance to fight for the greatest prize in hockey. Who was their opponent?



motherfucker.

(sorry, wife's sister fucker, keep it accurate)

So yeah. Rangers vs. Devils in the conference finals. Do you really need me to tell you how this one went? The Rangers hopped out to a pair of one-game leads in Games 1 and 3 courtesy of two outstanding shutouts by Lundqvist, but that's when ol' fatso consulted his necronomicon and dialed up some of that stupid loving New Jersey Devil Magic and the Devils went on to win three straight, clocking Lundqvist for 10 goals in the process and I'm gonna show you a picture here and I want you to remember it, 'cause I'm gonna show you another one in a minute and it's going to pretty much paint a picture of how I feel about Lundqvist vis a vis the rest of his team.



Got that one committed to memory? Okay. Moving on.

On the bright side, 2011-12 was the the best year of Lunqvist's career, posting eye-popping stats of 1.97 and .930 in the regular season and 1.82 and .931 in the playoffs. This was enough to earn him the Vezina trophy and while I think there might've been some, ah, vote-splitting between the Western Conference voters that may have led to Kings' man Jonathan Quick not coming as close to Lundqvist in votes as maybe he should have, it's hard to argue with any kind of straight face that Lundqvist didn't totally deserve this one.

In the lockout shortened 2012-13 season, the Rangers failed to make it back to the Conference Finals, beating the Caps in 7 again (boy, that rivalry sure swung in the other direction in a hurry, huh?) before falling into a big fat 0-3 hole against the Bruins and losing in 5 games. In 2013-14, it seriously looked to be the same ol' same ol'. The Rangers stubbornly refused to put the Flyers away in their first round series and though they managed to scrape by them in 7 games, it looked like their failure to do so expediently would be their downfall as the extended series forced them to play five games in seven days and, thoroughly exhausted, they quickly fell into a 3-1 hole against the Penguins in the next round. At that point, Lundqvist turned on the loving afterburners, denying the Pens to no more than three goals in the next three games as the Rangers all managed to collective wake up and stormed back, tying the series against the Penguins and then winning it in Game 7. The Rangers were headed back to the conference finals.

....and I'm still really angry about what happens next so let's summarize this part: Lundqvist was really good. Dustin Tokarski is gonna be a stud somewhere some day. gently caress Chris Kreider. Lundqvist posted a shutout in Game 6 to get the Rangers to their first appearance in the Stanley Cup Finals in 20 years. Seriously. gently caress Chris Kreider.

The Rangers moved on to play the Los Angeles Kings in the Stanley Cup Finals. And, uh, boy, Lundqvist tried really hard in this one, but he got touched up by the Kings. I dunno how much I can even blame him, he made 40+ saves in literally every game except game three (okay, 39 saves in game 2, but shut the hell up, I'm counting it) and frankly, he was a heck of a lot better than his counterpart, Jonathan Quick. But the Los Angeles Kings were just motherfucking relentless in this series. No lead was enough, no goal could deflate them, they just kept pounding the puck on Lundqvist until he ran out of do-overs in Game 5 when Alec Martinez caught a rebound from a Tyler Toffoli shot and sent it past Lundqvist for the Cup Winning Goal. And here's the part where I'm gonna show you the other picture I mentioned.



YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO COVER THE GUY IN BLACK, DUMBASS.

So if you haven't figured it out yet, this is my opinion on Lundqvist and the Rangers.
1) Lundqvist is an amazing goalie, one of the best of our time, for real.
2) The Rangers don't deserve him, probably never have and increasingly likely, never will.

This dude has dragged them to the playoffs 8 of 9 years he's been their starting goalie and the one time he didn't, he posted a .921, which at the time, was good enough for 8th best in the league! But the team around him keeps loving forgetting how to score or forgetting how to defend - seriously, go watch the Henrique OT goal for yourself, the picture I post does not do it justice. And the management, trying to solve their scoring woes, throws boatloads of money and assets at washed up crap like Brad Richards or overrated superstars like Rich Nash? Come the gently caress on. I mean, maybe I'm just full of poo poo, though. The Rangers have gotten to the Finals, which is incredibly difficult to do, so maybe I should give the team around Lundqvist some credit? But the fact that it took them this long still loving steams me.

It certainly seems like Lundqvist will be a Ranger for the rest of his career, signing a 7 year contract worth 59 mil that will keep him a Ranger until 2021 and comes with an NMC. The dude certainly deserves a loving cup for how he's played. With how well he's held up, at least the Rangers will have plenty of time to get their heads out of their asses and get him there.

It's also worth noting, Lundqvist is the starting goalie for Tre Kronor, the Swedish National Team. Recently, in 2014, he led a heavily depleted Team Sweden all the way to the Gold Medal Game, where they unfortunately fell to the juggernaut that was Team Canada. But if you're talking about Lundqvist and the olympics, you've gotta mention 2006, when he led Team Sweden all the way with a 5-1 record, allowing only 12 goals in 6 games and beating Team Finland to secure the gold medal for his homeland.



Just beautiful. And the medal looks pretty good too.

Count: 1867 Words
Total Count So Far: 23,726

Serisothikos
Dec 4, 2004

Unlimited Pasta Pass
Wrong thread!

e: while I'm here I'm really disappointed there were no Sad Hank shots in that

MJeff
Jun 2, 2011

THE LIAR

14. CORY SCHNEIDER
Team: New Jersey Devils
Nationality: American
Age: 28
Draft Class: 2004
Hardware: 2011 William M. Jennings (w/Roberto Luongo), First NHL Goalie to Score a Hat-trick
2013-14 GAA: 1.97
2013-14 SV%: .921
2013-14 W/L: 16-15-12 in 41 Games

First off, here's the pic I almost used for the top of the post, but went with "Thing 2" instead.



Ha ha. Delightful.

Cory Schneider is a product of the Vancouver Canucks system. He was drafted by them in 2004 and after three years at Boston College and three more with the Canucks minor league affiliate, the Manitoba Meeses, he became the Canucks backup in their dominant 2010-11 season, drawing 25 games in support of Roberto Luongo and winning the William M. Jennings trophy. It was around here that people began to notice Schneider as he, increasingly drew time for Luongo in the playoffs when he got smacked around by the Hawks in the first round and then the Bruins in the Finals.

In 2011-12, he drew more games, playing 33 and posting awesome numbers of 1.96 and .937. By this point, people were starting to notice, Schneider was a really good goalie and with Roberto Luongo signed to his mega contract, was their room in Vancouver for the two of them? The answer came back a pretty emphatic "no" when Schneider replaced Luongo (despite the latter playing his balls off) against the Kings in the first round. The Canucks still lost, but Schneider did about everything possible to keep his team in it. Luongo said in his exit interviews that he'd waive his no trade clause if asked and it really, really seemed like Roberto was on his way out and Schneider was to be the starter for the Canucks. In the 2012-13 lockout shortened season, it genuinely seemed as if Schneider had 100% supplanted Luongo and the latter would be on his way out soon. Luongo wound up not being traded, but remained on the bench as Schneider drew 30 starts in the 48-game season, again posting great stats at 2.11 and .927. Schneider drew all four games for the Canucks as they were swept by the Sharks (this time he didn't do so hot with .880 and 4.62, but what goalie ever has pretty numbers in a sweep). It seemed set in stone. Schneider was the starter and eventually, Luongo would be traded or discarded with the compliance buyout.

Theeeeeeen this happened.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqaGowQ16rk

Look at him. Look how smug he is. He just enjoys the attention so drat much.

Schneider was traded to the Devils for the 9th overall pick, ending Vancouver's goaltending controversy (until they started it up against six months later 'cause they're loving stupid :lol:) and giving New Jersey their new starting goalie. They had reached the finals a couple years previous with great goaltending, but they knew that wouldn't last. They had to prepare fo the future. And with such a high premium attached to acquiring Schneider and his last couple years in Vancouver, he'd be installed as the starter immediately, no doubt.



GOD

drat

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT

so yeah, there was one thing standing in Schneider's way to being the starter. One big, fat, roadblock: Marty Brodeur's ego. By this point, Brodeur was well into what hockey scholars like to call the "Roenicking around" phase of his career. He didn't wanna retire yet and coach Peter DeBoer didn't wanna piss off the player that at that point was emblematic of the Devils, so Brodeur kept drawing starts and man oh loving man was he bad. Brodeur was one of the few goalies to do very tangibly worse than Jimmy Howard this year, posting a 2.51 and a .901 in 39 games. Schneider, meanwhile, was awesome, posting a 1.97 and .921. But because Brodeur sucked up so many starts (and well, also because the Devils were like, apocalyptically bad at the shootout), the Devils missed the playoffs by about five points. This came to the worst during the Stadium Series, when outdoors at Yankee Stadium, Brodeur surrendered seven goals to the Rangers and then I guess because he wanted to add "whiny" to the list of adjectives used to describe him, blamed the snowy conditions outside for him getting burned so badly. Which, y'know, just makes me wonder, if you give a poo poo about the fact that you're playing out in the snow, why did you wanna play outdoors in the middle of January?

Anyway, the Devils missed the playoffs, and I dunno, you can say that DeBoer should've told Brodeur to gently caress off, but besides the fact that I'm absolutely certain he was told by GMs and ownership not to do exactly that very thing, he's kind of in a no win situation. His first job is to get the Devils into the playoffs and win the Stanley Cup. But when you have to pacify an arrogant, washed-up hack who just so happens to have been the face of your franchise for like twenty years in addition to that, I can respect that that's a very difficult position. And Schneider, he has to have been dealing with the worst feeling of deja vu. He, at least, made it clear that he wasn't gonna stick around if he wasn't the starter and thank god, the Devils got the message and made no effort to re-sign Brodeur. Schneider is now the Devils starter and finally, finally, finally, finally, this whole sordid affair that's been emblematic of Schneider's career is over. He's the starter in New Jersey. Luongo's the starter in Florida. I have every confidence that they're both going to be great for their teams. Vancouver still doesn't know what the gently caress they're doing and probably never will. Everything is as it should be.

...and Martin Brodeur tested free agency and got loving ignored by all 30 teams. Adios, fatso, you won't be missed. :lol:

Count: 968 Words
Total Count So Far: 24,694

MJeff fucked around with this message at 02:36 on Oct 29, 2014

MJeff
Jun 2, 2011

THE LIAR

Serisothikos posted:

Wrong thread!

e: while I'm here I'm really disappointed there were no Sad Hank shots in that

I almost used the one of him face down after game 5 for the header, but I felt kinda bad so I went with handsome Hank instead. :(

MJeff
Jun 2, 2011

THE LIAR
We're nearing the home stretch here and interest in the one-a-day model seems to be waning a touch, so, I think I'm gonna take a couple days off (maybe the rest of October?) to plow through the rest I have to do and then I'll post them all 2-3 a day so we're hopefully done before the end of the first week of November.

Hand Knit
Oct 24, 2005

Beer Loses more than a game Sunday ...
We lost our Captain, our Teammate, our Friend Kelly Calabro...
Rest in Peace my friend you will be greatly missed..
I think you've earned a break.

Pleads
Jun 9, 2005

pew pew pew


You know who didn't take a break? 35 goaltenders more elite than James Russell Howard III.

Elyv
Jun 14, 2013



fwiw as someone who knows very little about sports and even less about hockey I've been enjoying these, I just don't have anything to say about them v:shobon:v

MJeff
Jun 2, 2011

THE LIAR

Pleads posted:

You know who didn't take a break? 35 goaltenders more elite than James Russell Howard III.

The guy at the top of the list took a break. :iamafag:

Casual Encountess
Dec 14, 2005

"You can see how they go from being so sweet to tearing your face off,
just like that,
and it's amazing to have that range."


Thunderdome Exclusive

where are the rest of these!?

ZenVulgarity
Oct 9, 2012

I made the hat by transforming my zen

VJeff posted:

The guy at the top of the list took a break. :iamafag:

Haw

I love these by the way. Plus helps force me to read up on teams as a new fan.

Xtanstic
Nov 23, 2007

Yesterday was probably a good occasion to gently remind everyone of James Russell Howard III

Neodoomium
Jun 20, 2001

You are now hearing this
noise in your head.



Just because I hate him so much, do you have one of that shot that literally went in on Kyle Quincey's groin?

MIDWIFE CRISIS
Nov 5, 2008

Ta gueule, laisse-moi finir.
I miss reading this thread with my morning coffee, come back :(

Aphrodite
Jun 27, 2006

On the one hand he should be punished. On the other I want to see the rest.

Xtanstic
Nov 23, 2007

Neodoomium posted:

Just because I hate him so much, do you have one of that shot that literally went in on Kyle Quincey's groin?

No gif but here's a video:
https://ca.sports.yahoo.com/video/p-k-subban-goal-jimmy-014534570.html

Post the essays VJeff :argh:

DJExile
Jun 28, 2007


VJEFF EAT THE EGGS

Top Hats Monthly
Jun 22, 2011


People are people so why should it be, that you and I should get along so awfully blink blink recall STOP IT YOU POSH LITTLE SHIT
no getting out of rhis toxx you idiot bitch, finish it!!!!

darkwolf220
May 14, 2009

SOON :stare:

Top Hats Monthly posted:

no getting out of rhis toxx you idiot bitch, finish it!!!!

Someone had their whiskey with their Wheaties this morning.

MJeff
Jun 2, 2011

THE LIAR
Back! Get back, you animals! BACK, I SAY!


13. JAROSLAV HALAK
Team: New York Islanders
Nationality: Slovakian
Age: 29
Draft Class: 2003
Hardware: 2011-12 William M. Jennings Trophy, 2010 NHL Players Association Halloween Party Best Costume For: A Motherfucking Brick Wall.
2013-14 GAA: 2.25
2013-14 SV%: .921
2013-14 W/L: 29-13-7 in 52 games

Jaroslav Halak is a product of the Montreal Canadiens system, drafted at the tender age of 18. He didn't gain his first bit of notoriety for another four years after that, getting called up amidst a stellar run with the Canadiens' AHL affiliate, the Bulldogs. Halak wound up posting a 16-10-6 record the remainder of the year which unfortunately wasn't enough to get Les Habitants into the playoffs, but got people to take notice anyway, enough to the point where they went "wait a loving second, why are we paying Cristobal Huet to play goal for us?!" and shipped his cheese eatin' cigar smokin' white-flag-wavin' rear end out.

(Disclaimer: VJeff and the "Goalies More Elite Than James Russel Howard" project have nothing against the french people, they just really, really enjoy laughing at how bad Cristobal Huet is. Remember that time the Blackhawks gave him like 5 mil per year? Hilarious.)

So Halak eventually became part of the Canadiens' tandem full-time, mostly playing as back-up to another Canadiens' prospect, Carey Price. Inconsistent play from Price the next couple years led to Halak getting more time and eventually, taking the starting job outright in the 2009-10 season leading into the playoffs. And thaaaaaaaaaaaaaat's where the fun started. The Habs played the President's Trophy Winner Washington Capitals in the first round. Ovechkin, Semin, Green, Backstrom. They were the highest scoring team in the league and quickly showed off why, jumping out to a three-games-to-one advantage over the Habs. It looked like it'd be a quick defeat for the Habs. But then something happened.

The Capitals got Halak'd.

The high powered Washington offense threw an overwhelming 134 shots at Halak in games 5, 6 and 7. Halak stopped 131 of them. The Canadiens won the games by scores of 2-1, 4-1 and 2-1 and before anyone could say "Why the gently caress isn't the puck GOING IN?!", the President's Trophy winners had been dispatched and the 8th seeded Canadiens and Halak were moving on to the second round to face the Stanley Cup Champion Pittsburgh Penguins. What followed was a rough-and-tumble back and forth series where the Penguins kept jumping out to one-game leads, but the Canadiens were always right there, tying the series back up immediately. The failure of the Penguins to put any distance between themselves and the Habs would be their demise as they found themselves in another Game 7 and in this one, Halak was again sensational, stopping 37 of 39. That was all the team around him needed as they scored 5 goals on noted postseason pants pooper Marc Andre Fleury. Club de hockey Canadien had knocked off the best team in the league and the defending champs back-to-back and were on their way to the Eastern Conference Finals, halfway to reaching the top of the mountain.

Unfortunately, though the Canadiens had had a penchant for upsets that year, the team they were facing had just gone through the mother of all of them. The Philadelphia Flyers had been down three-games-to-none against the Boston Bruins and had come out the other side, winning in seven and stunning those dirty chowder eaters good (although, uh, don't worry, that story has a "happy" ending). Call it fatigue, call it what you want, but the Flyers were just too much for the Habs and they lost in five games, allowing a whole big chunka goals in the process (and getting shut out by Michael Leighton three times, oi vey. If you get shut out by Michael Leighton for half the series, your butt deserves to lose).

So the Canadiens had had a good run, but they were now faced with a question. They believed Carey Price was their goaltender of the future, but Halak was their goalie of the right now. A great goaltending debate emerged in Montreal, which eventually led to the Fourth Goalie War of the Greater Downtown Montreal Area. Facepaint was smeared. Mean words were said. Innocent poutine was weaponized, thrown carelessly at those who "think that horse-riding gently caress has what it takes to tend goal in Montreal".

Then the Habs decided to trade Halak to the St. Louis Blues. They got Ian Schultz and :denmark: Lars Eller :denmark: for their restricted free agent goaltender. Halak made one of the all-time big heart gestures before he left, holding an autograph signing for Habs fans to raise money for the Montreal Ste-Justine Children's Hospital. 5,000 Canadiens fans showed up to see Halak off and going as fast as his hands could take him at a rate of six autographs per minute, Halak managed to sign 1,1100 autographs, good enough to raise $22,000 for the Ste-Justine Children's Hospital. He wound up staying 90 minutes past the scheduled end of the event and 30 minutes after the mall had closed just to keep signing autographs and meeting fans. All of this for a city that he didn't even play for anymore! It's a pretty awesome gesture by Halak and one that I think should be noted.

Now, as for the trade itself. I love Halak, he's actually one of my favorite goaltenders, but as I would hope is obvious by this point, this is a trade the Habs had to make. They knew what they had with Price and he was much younger and thus, much cheaper. Plus, they managed to get a very good bottom six winger out of it (a great dane, in fact :denmark:). The Habs made totally the right move for themselves and for Halak.

Halak's first year with the Blues was forgettable as he posted a 2.48 and a .910 in 57 games but I still believe he was the penultimate piece of the puzzle for the rebuilding St. Louis team. In 2011-12, the Blues broke out with a vengeance under new coach Ken Hitchock and Halak was central to that, posting an awesome 1.97 and .926 and teaming up with Apparently Not poo poo Anymore tandem partner Brian Elliott to win the William M. Jennings trophy for the Blues. Unfortunately....that's when the groin injuries started rolling in. Halak was named the Blues' starter going into the playoffs and fell victim to injury one game in. Brian Elliott was enough to beat the Sharks, but, that was about it and the Blues were quickly swept by the eventual champion Los Angeles Kings. Halak's injuries again slowed him up in the 2012-13 lockout shortened season where he only saw 16 games of action and none in the playoffs. And by the trade deadline of the 2013-14 season (the last year of his contract), it seemed that the Blues had grown tired of Halak or maybe they just didn't feel like paying him again and wanted to get what they could for him while they could. They traded Halak (and some other stuff) to the Sabres for Ryan Miller (and a sack of hot garbage). Halak never played a game for the Sabres and wound up traded to the Capitals who were trying to salvage their season and push into the playoffs. Now, let me be clear. I think every trade Halak has been involved in up until the Caps trade roughly made sense. The Blues made a fairly lateral move from Halak to Miller that could've paid off bigtime, but due to them loving around with Miller's playstyle, it wound up being a MASSIVE downgrade. But the trade made sense. However, the Caps for him? Made no sense. And then they hosed it up further by, apparently, Adam Oates really pissing Halak off before the end of the year, guarateeing he wouldn't be sticking around anyway.

Seriously, gently caress Adam Oates.

Before he became a free agent, the New York Islanders snatched up Halak's negotiating rights from Washington and apparently, Halak liked what he had to hear from them, because he signed a 4 year contract with them and they've actually been pretty guldurn good so far this year, good enough for 2nd in the Atlantic Division. It stands to reason, frankly. After that disaster of a trade for Vanek, the Islanders basically HAVE to make the playoffs this year or their fans are gonna hang Snow and Wang from street lights - so it makes sense that they went all into a degree, picking up quite a few new players alongside Halak, such as Nick Leddy, Johnny Boychuk, Mikhail Grabovski and Cory Conacher. Maybe Halak will be able to bring the same sense of stability to the Islanders he brought to the Blues. Or maybe his groin will shatter again a bunch of times. Lousy shoddy Slovak workmanship, I tells ya. They can't build a car and they can't build a groin.

(Disclaimer: VJeff and the "Goalies More Elite Than James Russel Howard" project have nothing against the Slovakian people.)

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Xtanstic
Nov 23, 2007

Yay it's back! Thanks for reminding me about the Halak autograph story. Also I'm contractually obligated to bring up The Travis Moen Goal every time Habs-Pens 2010 is brought up: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQBvLY30mXY

Aphrodite
Jun 27, 2006

I still want a pound of flesh.

Gunjin
Apr 27, 2004

Om nom nom
gently caress Halak.

gently caress Oates.

the talent deficit
Dec 20, 2003

self-deprecation is a very british trait, and problems can arise when the british attempt to do so with a foreign culture





Halak rules and so does VJeff

Mornacale
Dec 19, 2007

n=y where
y=hope and n=folly,
prospects=lies, win=lose,

self=Pirates
As a Pens fan,

Gunjin posted:

gently caress Halak.

Also as a sports liker, I'm glad these are back.

Furnaceface
Oct 21, 2004




VJeff posted:

(Disclaimer: VJeff and the "Goalies More Elite Than James Russel Howard" project have nothing against the french people, they just really, really enjoy laughing at how bad Cristobal Huet is. Remember that time the Blackhawks gave him like 5 mil per year? Hilarious.)

Yes. Hilarious. Hah ha haha :smithicide:

Jerk.

Please dont forget about that very special shutout for the goalie next in the list.

Emetic Hustler
May 5, 2009

Furnaceface posted:

Yes. Hilarious. Hah ha haha :smithicide:

Jerk.

Please dont forget about that very special shutout for the goalie next in the list.

Why you crying about that. The Hawks managed to finagle themselves out of it pretty well. And Huet got a Stanley Cup out of it. :france:

a false
Mar 5, 2009

I DECIDE
WHO LIVES
AND WHO DIES
jaroslav halak is cool

Casual Encountess
Dec 14, 2005

"You can see how they go from being so sweet to tearing your face off,
just like that,
and it's amazing to have that range."


Thunderdome Exclusive

I like that this kind of feels like a Seven Samurai see a storyline from a bunch of different angles

MJeff
Jun 2, 2011

THE LIAR

12. BEN SCRIVENS
Team: Edmonton Oilers
Nationality: Canadian
Age: 28
Draft Class: Undrafted
Hardware: The Alberta Golden Spine For Holding Up All These Motherfuckers On His Back For So Long
2013-14 GAA: 2.55
2013-14 SV%: .922
2013-14 W/L: 16-16-4 in 40 Games

Okay, we're getting into the guys who are really legitimately good now, so I'm gonna have to dig deep if I wanna keep being a sarcastic rear end in a top hat all the time.

Scrivens was a goalie who went undrafted after college and was signed to a contract by the Toronto Maple Leafs. He played in the Leafs' system for a while, eventually making it to the Toronto Marlies where he was really drat good, getting them all the way to the Calder Cup Finals in 2012 before they were unfortunately swept in kind of embarrassing fashion by then Tampa Bay Lightning farm team the Norfolk Admirals (now the Syracuse Crunch). His skills translated to the NHL pretty well initially when Scrivens was promoted to be the Leafs backup goaltender. Scrivens and Reimer both played, relative to the team in front of them, pretty well in the lockout shortened 2012-13 season and it looked like the Leafs had themselves a decent little tandem to work with for the future.

Then they traded for Bernier and hosed everything up, you know how that goes. Scrivens was part of the trade for Bernier to Los Angeles. Scrivens was I guess what you would call the 'lucky one' in this trade, getting to leave Toronto and all its crazy drama and go to not only loving live in LA, but play as backup for one of the best teams in the league. And then, rather abruptly, he was playing as the starter for one of the best teams in the league. Quick was knocked out for several weeks with an injury, leaving the load to Ben Scrivens and Martin Jones. Scrivens was awesome in his tour of duty with the Kings, going 7-5-4 with a 1.95 and a .935. Fans who thought that with Bernier gone and Quick down, the team would be screwed were quite pleasantly surprised and Scrivens quickly became a fan favorite among Kings faithful. Unfooooooortunately, rookie Martin Jones was a little better at siezing the opportunity than Scrivens had been, going 8-0-0 while Quick was out and quickly and dramatically cementing himself as the Kings' backup goalie. Martin Jones didn't play enough games to qualify for an essay here, but I just want to point out how awesome he had to be to dislodge Scrivens - the entire year for the Kings, he went 12-6-0, posting a 1.81 and a .934. When Quick came back, the Kings found themselves with one goalie too many and unfortunately, Scrivens drew the short straw and was on the trade block again. But hey, as long as he wasn't headed back to Toronto, it couldn't be too bad, ri-



Aaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuwwww crap.

Jesus, what did Lombardi have against Scrivens here? He couldn't freakin' squeeze a third rounder out of Pittsburgh or the Islanders or something?!

So yeah. Scrivens was traded to Edmonton which, uh, really sucks for Scrivens. I mean seriously, have you ever read Wayne Gretzky's posts? They're total nonsense! Rooting for them has made that guy completely incoherent and he just roots for them! He doesn't have to play goal for 'em! Just a short while after joining his new team, Scrivens was treated to a full course of the drama that comes with playing in the deep north when a writer compiled a few tweets and instagrams from his wife, Jenny Scrivens to make a filler-y contentless article about how she enjoyed the weather in LA and now she'd be stuck in the Edmonton frozen tundra. Unfortunately, because this is the internet we're talking about, some guys took this to mean, I guess, that Scrivens' wife resented that she'd have to move to Edmonton? So Scrivens' wife got bashed a lot on twitter for nothing at all and Scrivens, naturally, got POed and unfortunately somewhat rashly, kinda pointed the hate hose in the wrong direction, attacking the writer who hadn't even done anything, but copy an innocuous, goofy article some other guy had written and posted it.



Yeeee-ouch. There's rough and then there's that. The whole thing kinda blew over without much more incident, but safe to say Scrivens had gotten off to the wrong foot with Edmonton. Shortly afterwards, he planted both feet in the crease and promptly showed everybody what a loving badass he is.

A picture really won't do this one justice. Just watch.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxbPv5bR2fE

On January 29th 2014, Scrivens posted a 59 save shutout against the San Jose Sharks, an Edmonton Oilers record and at the time, an NHL record (although I do not know if that is still the case, I thhhhiiink it might've been surpassed by now?). Given who the team around him is and the team they're playing against is, I have no problem saying that this is one of the all time great goaltending performances in the modern NHL. The Sharks gave the Oilers absolutely no mercy, pounding shot after shot after shot on Scrivens and several that against most goalies would've been absolutely sure goals. Listen to the commentary in that video. After a certain point, even though the team he calls games for is getting stonewalled, you can tell that Randy Hahn and Drew Rememnda, just as men of hockey are really getting into it. It's one of the things that makes you realize just how gifted a good goaltender is and why, if you're gonna go anywhere in the NHL, you really need one.

Unfortunately, even though they have the goaltender part solved, it just so happens that the Oilers basically still need to fill in massive, gaping holes at literally every other position in their roster. Scrivens wound up with bad stats the rest of the year in Edmonton (including a 3.01 GAA, oi vey) because of how bad their roster and coaching is and for some loving reason he re-upped with them for the next two years, presumably because they were the only ones willing to pay him as much as he got? Can't argue with the move from a financial standpoint for sure. I dunno if many teams would pay 4.6 mil for a career backup for two years, even one who's shown he can play as much as Scrivens has in short stretches of time. The Oilers start to the year has been totally abysmal and it looks like they'll be making a run for another #1 overall pick and just between you and me, I don't think they'll do much better next year.

Shoulda picked Calgary, Ben. Shoulda picked Calgary.

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MJeff fucked around with this message at 03:12 on Nov 20, 2014

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Koopa Kid
Aug 21, 2007



Miss u Ben

It's a shame he's got off to a poor start this year, Edmonton sucks out loud and Scrivens has the same sort of style as Reimer in that they just have awful body language at all time so they draw a little more heat than they should.

Also both have had their wives harassed on Twitter on multiple occasions for no good loving reason. Makes playing in Phoenix sound like a not-so-bad idea.

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