Let's tell jokes from a book published in 1815 in Britain

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > Let's tell jokes from a book published in 1815 in Britain

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TapTheForwardAssist: Apr 9, 2007; Pretty Little Lyres

I came across this work while perusing Google Books, and blast my soul and drat my eyes if it hasn't some corkers: The spirit of English wit; or, Post-chaise companion

quote:

THE SAGACIOUS HOUSE.

A country gentleman riding down Cornhill, his horse, stumbled, and threw him at a shop door, the mistress whereof, being a pleasant woman, and seeing no hurt done, asked whether his horse used to serve him so. 'Yes,' said he, 'whenever he comes to the door of a cuckold.' 'Dear Sir,' said she, 'I would advise you to go back again, for you will have a hundred falls before you get to the top of Cheapside.'

quote:

THE PRUDENT WIFE.

A butcher in Smithfield, lying at the point of death, said to his wife, 'My dear, I am not long for this world, therefore advise you to marry our man John; he's a lusty strong fellow, fit for your business.' 'O! dear husband,' said she, 'never let that trouble you, for John and I have agreed upon the matter already.'

quote:

POOR JACK.

Two fellows meeting, one asked the other, why he looked so bad? 'I have good reason for it,' answered the other, 'poor Jack such a one, the greatest croney and best friend I had in the world, was hanged but two days ago.' 'What had he done?' says the first. 'Alas!' replied the other, 'he did no more than you or I should have done on the like occasion; he found a bridle on the road, and took it up.' 'What!' says the other, 'hang a man for taking up a bridle! That's hard indeed.' 'To tell the truth of the matter,' says the other, 'there was a horse tied to the other end of it.'

quote:

PEGGY YATES.

A gentleman, speaking of Peggy Yates, the famous courtezan, who had always abundance of fine cloaths, said, 'she was like a squirrel, for she covered her back with her tail.'

quote:

GOOD AND BAD.

Two friends, who had not seen one another a great while, meeting by chance, one asked the other how he did. He said he was not very well, and was married since he saw him. This is good news, indeed, says he. Nay, not so much good neither, replies the other, for I have married a shrew: that is bad, said the other. Not so bad neither, said he, for I had two thousand pounds with her: that is well again, said the other. Not so well neither, for I laid it out in sheep, and they died of the rot. That was hard indeed, says his 'friend. Not so hard neither, says he, for I sold the skins for more money than the sheep cost; that made you amends, says the other. Not so much amends neither, said he, for I laid out my money in a house, and it was burned. That was a great loss indeed. Nay, not so great a loss neither; for my wife was burned in it.

# ? Oct 13, 2014 06:43

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# ? Apr 24, 2024 17:53

bitmap: Aug 8, 2006

TapTheForwardAssist posted:

GOOD AND BAD.
Two friends, who had not seen one another a great while, meeting by chance, one asked the other how he did. He said he was not very well, and was married since he saw him. This is good news, indeed, says he. Nay, not so much good neither, replies the other, for I have married a shrew: that is bad, said the other. Not so bad neither, said he, for I had two thousand pounds with her: that is well again, said the other. Not so well neither, for I laid it out in sheep, and they died of the rot. That was hard indeed, says his 'friend. Not so hard neither, says he, for I sold the skins for more money than the sheep cost; that made you amends, says the other. Not so much amends neither, said he, for I laid out my money in a house, and it was burned. That was a great loss indeed. Nay, not so great a loss neither; for my wife was burned in it.

Cold as ice

# ? Oct 13, 2014 06:59

Orkin Mang: Nov 1, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

i like to think peggy yates had a fat rear end, so fat it started at her traps

# ? Oct 13, 2014 07:00

Horniest Manticore: Nov 23, 2013; Hello, you!; Lipstick Apathy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SiuwFT55MtI

# ? Oct 13, 2014 07:03

Mr. Creakle: Apr 27, 2007; Protecting your virginity

TapTheForwardAssist posted:

THE SAGACIOUS HOUSE.

A country gentleman riding down Cornhill, his horse, stumbled, and threw him at a shop door, the mistress whereof, being a pleasant woman, and seeing no hurt done, asked whether his horse used to serve him so. 'Yes,' said he, 'whenever he comes to the door of a cuckold'

HURR CUCK JOKES - 1800s England

# ? Oct 13, 2014 07:06

Moridin920: Nov 15, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

TapTheForwardAssist posted:

GOOD AND BAD.

Two friends, who had not seen one another a great while, meeting by chance, one asked the other how he did. He said he was not very well, and was married since he saw him. This is good news, indeed, says he. Nay, not so much good neither, replies the other, for I have married a shrew: that is bad, said the other. Not so bad neither, said he, for I had two thousand pounds with her: that is well again, said the other. Not so well neither, for I laid it out in sheep, and they died of the rot. That was hard indeed, says his 'friend. Not so hard neither, says he, for I sold the skins for more money than the sheep cost; that made you amends, says the other. Not so much amends neither, said he, for I laid out my money in a house, and it was burned. That was a great loss indeed. Nay, not so great a loss neither; for my wife was burned in it.

lol this was pretty good

# ? Oct 13, 2014 07:15

Secks Cauldron: Aug 26, 2006; I thought they closed that place down!

THE BLESSINGS OF WEDLOCK

Two farmers held dispute, to prove
The blessings of connubial love;
"See here," cries one with honest smile,
"Six healthful boys my cares beguile."
"And I," cried t-other, "might perhaps
Have had as fine a set of chaps:
But (which our happiness ensures)
Our priest is not so young as yours."

Old timey Brits sure do like their cuck jokes :allears:

# ? Oct 13, 2014 07:16

Luigi Thirty: Apr 30, 2006; Emergency confection port.

A runner going to participate in the Olympic games had a dream, that he was driving a quadriga. Early in the morning he goes to a fortune-teller for explanation of the dream. The reply is:
-You will win, that meant the speed and the strength of the horses.

But, to be sure about this, the runner visits another fortune-teller. This one replies:
-You will lose. Don't you understand, that four ones came before you?

# ? Oct 13, 2014 07:17

TapTheForwardAssist: Apr 9, 2007; Pretty Little Lyres

Luigi Thirty posted:

A runner going to participate in the Olympic games had a dream, that he was driving a quadriga. Early in the morning he goes to a fortune-teller for explanation of the dream.

Oh, now I get it:

# ? Oct 13, 2014 07:21

Comfy Fleece Sweater: Apr 2, 2013; You see, but you do not observe.

Secks Cauldron posted:

THE BLESSINGS OF WEDLOCK

Two farmers held dispute, to prove
The blessings of connubial love;
"See here," cries one with honest smile,
"Six healthful boys my cares beguile."
"And I," cried t-other, "might perhaps
Have had as fine a set of chaps:
But (which our happiness ensures)
Our priest is not so young as yours."

Old timey Brits sure do like their cuck jokes

they knew what was up

# ? Oct 13, 2014 07:54

Secks Cauldron: Aug 26, 2006; I thought they closed that place down!

THE WITTY COUNTRYMAN

A countryman very much marked with the small pox, applied to a justice of the peace for redress in an affair
where one of his neighbors had ill-treated him: but not explaining the business so clearly as the justice
expected. "Fellow," said the justice in a rage "I don't know whether you were inoculated for the small pox or
not; but I am sure you have been for stupidity." "Why, and please your honour," replied the man,
"perhaps I might as you say be inoculated for stupidity, but there was no occasion to perform that upon
your worship, for you seem to have had it in the natural way."

# ? Oct 13, 2014 07:59

Pththya-lyi: Nov 8, 2009; THUNDERDOME LOSER 2020

John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich: Sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox!
John Wilkes: That depends, my lord, on whether I embrace your lordship's principles or your mistress.

# ? Oct 13, 2014 08:07

Ramsus: Sep 14, 2002; by Hand Knit

Oh that dry wit, it's like an episode of mr bean or keeping up appearances

hyuck

# ? Oct 13, 2014 08:14

Pththya-lyi: Nov 8, 2009; THUNDERDOME LOSER 2020

HIGH LIVING

Two girls of high fashion, coming into an assembly-room at Bath, met a fat citizen's wife quitting it. "Ah!" said one of them, pretty loud, "there is beef-a-la-mode going out."-"Yes," answered the fat woman, and there is game coming in."

:iceburn:

# ? Oct 13, 2014 08:15

Vince MechMahon: Jan 1, 2008

Pththya-lyi posted:

HIGH LIVING

Two girls of high fashion, coming into an assembly-room at Bath, met a fat citizen's wife quitting it. "Ah!" said one of them, pretty loud, "there is beef-a-la-mode going out."-"Yes," answered the fat woman, and there is game coming in."

Is she a fat woman who is the wife of a citizen, or the wife of a fat citizen? The grammar of these 200 year old jokes is loving atrocious.

# ? Oct 13, 2014 08:16

Kombotron: Aug 11, 2011

god damnwhat is this goblety goock. speak english.

# ? Oct 13, 2014 08:19

GrrrlSweatshirt: Jun 2, 2012

peggy yates has a serious donk

# ? Oct 13, 2014 09:05

Captain_Indigo: Jul 29, 2007; "Thatâs cheating! You know the rules: once you sacrifice something here, you donât get it back!"

A farmer's gurn, being a low-cad, tried to bluff his bumbershoot through the doorway to a gentleman's leathers.

'Might one check your particulars?' asked the seventh doorsman, referencing the boy's rainshield which by this point was grammier than a cuckold's downing.
'Nay,' claimed the witlack, 'Me particulars got blasted to plum pudding in The Ethiope'
'EEEEEEEERE UP YOUR BUM!" ejaculated the seventh doorsman.

# ? Oct 13, 2014 09:40

treasured8elief: Jul 25, 2011; Salad Prong

A Legal Claim.
Jack Ketch being asked on what ground he claimed the clothes of those he hanged, answered, 'As their executor.'

Mutual Hints.
The captain of a trading vessel having some contraband goods on board, which he wished to land, says to an exciseman who came on board, 'If I were to put a half-crown-piece upon each of your eyes, could you see?' The answer was- 'No, and if I had another upon my mouth I could not speak.'

Long Life Ensured.
A man greatly in debt, on his death bed, sayd to his friends, 'I only wish to live till I have paid all my debts.' His friends commended the motive of his prayer. The sick man, in a lower tone, proceeded, 'and if heaven would grant me this favor, I know my life would be very long indeed.'

I think it's super interesting how many jokes in your book are about political strife, pitting Royalists against Republicans.

# ? Oct 13, 2014 09:46

gnarlyhotep: Sep 30, 2008; by Lowtax; Oven Wrangler

I like to think Oscar Wilde knew about the internet when he said this

"In old days books were written by men of letters and read by the public. Nowadays books are written by the public and read by nobody."

# ? Oct 13, 2014 09:49

Node: May 20, 2001; KICKED IN THE COOTER; Taco Defender

quote:

THE SAGACIOUS HOUSE.

A country gentleman riding down Cornhill, his horse, stumbled, and threw him at a shop door, the mistress whereof, being a pleasant woman, and seeing no hurt done, asked whether his horse used to serve him so. 'Yes,' said he, 'whenever he comes to the door of a cuckold.' 'Dear Sir,' said she, 'I would advise you to go back again, for you will have a hundred falls before you get to the top of Cheapside.'

I've been waiting 199 years and this joke still does not have a satisfying punchline.

# ? Oct 13, 2014 10:26

Orange Sunshine: May 10, 2011; by FactsAreUseless

A NEW NAME FOR A RIDICULE

A lady having left her ridicule behind her in a milliner's shop, one of the Fribbles immediately ran after her, and presenting it to her very politely, said, "Madam, I have the honour of returning to you your snot-bag".

(So what the hell was a ridicule?)

# ? Oct 13, 2014 10:33

gnarlyhotep: Sep 30, 2008; by Lowtax; Oven Wrangler

Orange Sunshine posted:

A NEW NAME FOR A RIDICULE

A lady having left her ridicule behind her in a milliner's shop, one of the Fribbles immediately ran after her, and presenting it to her very politely, said, "Madam, I have the honour of returning to you your snot-bag".

(So what the hell was a ridicule?)

who the hell knows

jokes aren't funny when they have to be explained

# ? Oct 13, 2014 10:34

Octy: Apr 1, 2010

Lawyer jokes never get old.

quote:

Two of a Trade

When Sir Elijah Impey, the India judge, was on his passage home, as he was one day walking the deck, it having blowed pretty hard the preceding day, a shark was playing by the side of the ship. Having never seen such an object before, he called to one of the sailors to tell him what it was. 'Why,' replied the tar, 'I don't know what name they know them by ashore, but here we call them sea-lawyers.'

quote:

Improved Shaving

A gentleman coming into a barber's shop to be shaved, was tormented by the fellow's finical manners and insignificant garrulity. 'In what manner would your honour be shaved?' exclaimed the tonsor. 'If possible,' replied the gentleman, 'in silence.'

quote:

Amazons

A lady, who is a strong advocate for the rights of women, being lately engaged in a dispute with a gentleman, asserted, that an army of women would be in every respect competent to take the field against an army of men, adding 'Suppose I were the commander of 10,000 women, each of whom had a military education, and you of 10,000 men, how would you get an advantage that you might not have in an equal degree over men?' 'Madam,' replied he, 'I would keep from a general engagement - I would make propositions of peace, and during the treaty, the male and female officers and soldiers must frequently meet to settle the conditions, and at the end of eight or nine months, when all of you ought to be in the field, you would be in the straw.'

# ? Oct 13, 2014 10:37

Improbable Lobster: Jan 6, 2012; What is the Matrix 🌐? We just don't know 😎.; Buglord

THE PLOUGHBOY

A gentle sprinkle of rain happening, a ploughboy left his work and went home; but his master seeing him there, told him he should not have left his work for so trifling an affair, and begged for the future he would stay till it rained downright. A day or two afterwards proving a very rainy day, the boy stayed till dusk and being almost drowned, his master asked him why he did not come before? 'Why I should' says the boy, 'but you zed I shou'dn't come hoam vore it rained downright; and it has not rained downright yet, for it was aslaunt all day long.'

e:

Orange Sunshine posted:

(So what the hell was a ridicule?)

Maybe the idea was that she had made fun of the milliner's shop so one of the employees returning her hanky called it a snot-bag to embarass her?

Improbable Lobster fucked around with this message at 10:44 on Oct 13, 2014

# ? Oct 13, 2014 10:41

Orange Sunshine: May 10, 2011; by FactsAreUseless

ON A PRETTY COMMON WOMAN

Wou'd thou had'st beauty less, or virtue more;
For nothing's uglier than a pretty wh---.

# ? Oct 13, 2014 10:42

gnarlyhotep: Sep 30, 2008; by Lowtax; Oven Wrangler

so apparently Carlos Mencia is a classical genius of wit

# ? Oct 13, 2014 10:44

Improbable Lobster: Jan 6, 2012; What is the Matrix 🌐? We just don't know 😎.; Buglord

# ? Oct 13, 2014 10:55

the heat goes wrong: Dec 31, 2005; I´m watching you...

Orange Sunshine posted:

A NEW NAME FOR A RIDICULE

A lady having left her ridicule behind her in a milliner's shop, one of the Fribbles immediately ran after her, and presenting it to her very politely, said, "Madam, I have the honour of returning to you your snot-bag".

(So what the hell was a ridicule?)

Its a handbag, ok?

# ? Oct 13, 2014 11:01

School Nickname: Apr 23, 2010; *fffffff-fffaaaaaaarrrtt*

Man they even called people out for shitposting.

quote:

Hint To a Poet

An author was reading some bad verses in his posting, to a friend in a very cold apartment. The critic cried out, in a shaking fit, 'my dear friend, either put fire into you verses, or you verses into the fire, or I shall not be able to stand here any longer.

I'm convinced that Regency England must have been GBS made public, necessitating Victorian morality to stamp it down.

# ? Oct 13, 2014 11:13

Pththya-lyi: Nov 8, 2009; THUNDERDOME LOSER 2020

Orange Sunshine posted:

A NEW NAME FOR A RIDICULE

A lady having left her ridicule behind her in a milliner's shop, one of the Fribbles immediately ran after her, and presenting it to her very politely, said, "Madam, I have the honour of returning to you your snot-bag".

(So what the hell was a ridicule?)

A reticule is a lady's drawstring handbag.

School Nickname posted:

I'm convinced that Regency England must have been GBS made public, necessitating Victorian morality to stamp it down.

The nobility didn't have much to do other than gently caress around on dumb poo poo. So like us...

# ? Oct 13, 2014 11:16

Shasta Orange Soda: Apr 25, 2007

School Nickname posted:

Man they even called people out for shitposting.

I'm convinced that Regency England must have been GBS made public, necessitating Victorian morality to stamp it down.

put the fire into your posts or put your posts into the fire

gently caress yeah

:iceburn:

# ? Oct 13, 2014 11:21

Jonny 290: May 5, 2005; [ASK] me about OS/2 Warp

early fyad repellent tactics were less than successful

# ? Oct 13, 2014 11:31

Frostwerks: Sep 24, 2007; by Lowtax

so wait peggy got nice clothes because she put out a lot or something idgi. she's a courtesan isn't that her job

# ? Oct 13, 2014 11:33

Pththya-lyi: Nov 8, 2009; THUNDERDOME LOSER 2020

Frostwerks posted:

so wait peggy got nice clothes because she put out a lot or something idgi. she's a courtesan isn't that her job

she probably had a big butt that she'd cover with her fancy clothes

# ? Oct 13, 2014 11:35

slinkimalinki: Jan 17, 2010

For to ride a horse.

Here is a horse who have a bad looks. Give me another; I will
not that. He not sail know to march, he is pursy, he is foundered.
Don't you are ashamed to give me a jade as like? he is undshoed,
he is with nails up; it want to lead to the farrier.
Your pistols are its loads?
No; I forgot to buy gun-powder and balls. Let us prick. Go us more
fast never I was seen a so much bad beast; she will not nor to
bring forward neither put back.
Strek him the bridle, hold him the reins sharters. Pique
stron gly, make to marsh him.
I have pricked him enough. But I can't to make march him.
Go down, I shall make march.
Take care that he not give you a foot kick's.
Then he kicks for that I look? Sook here if I knew to tame hix.

# ? Oct 13, 2014 11:37

Jonny 290: May 5, 2005; [ASK] me about OS/2 Warp

Frostwerks posted:

so wait peggy got nice clothes because she put out a lot or something idgi. she's a courtesan isn't that her job

"peggy's a slut and when she bends over to take some dick, her big frilly skirts flip up over her back like a squirrel's tail" i'm pretty sure

# ? Oct 13, 2014 11:42

les fleurs du mall: Jun 30, 2014; by LadyAmbien

wow you literally found a book full of 17th century cuck jokes way to go

# ? Oct 13, 2014 11:50

les fleurs du mall: Jun 30, 2014; by LadyAmbien

Jonny 290 posted:

"peggy's a slut and when she bends over to take some dick, her big frilly skirts flip up over her back like a squirrel's tail" i'm pretty sure

i am british and can confirm this is the proper translation

# ? Oct 13, 2014 11:55

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# ? Apr 24, 2024 17:53

BONE DOG: Jun 7, 2009; by Fluffdaddy

A taciturn cooper of forty and two was trekking through a wood past dark. With him was a young boy, of whom was previously indentured to the man. It was a dark and foreboding night and a thick fog hung on the moors. 'Mister I'm scared!' Proclaimed the youngster.

'You think you have it dire boy', replied the man 'I have to walk out of this thicket alone'

# ? Oct 13, 2014 11:55

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > Let's tell jokes from a book published in 1815 in Britain

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