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Upon directly encountering his betrothed's infidelity, Mr Lundswick remarked "well fortune favours the bold!" haha
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Oct 13, 2014 11:56
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Actual joke from this bad book: a rape pun. he won't let a woman borrow money from him during this non-consensual heavy petting
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Oct 13, 2014 11:59
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I'm very concerned about this one. Did he kill 3 wives off? Why is it titled "Indian Dreaming?" (Is it a bride-burning thing?) How are you "lucky" that all 3 of your wives are DEAD? 
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Oct 13, 2014 13:00
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Orange Sunshine posted:A NEW NAME FOR A RIDICULE Best guess is it's an olde timey spelling of http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/reticule
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Oct 13, 2014 13:10
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Jonny 290 posted:"peggy's a slut and when she bends over to take some dick, her big frilly skirts flip up over her back like a squirrel's tail" i'm pretty sure Huh, I'd assume that the joke "she covers her back with her tail" was about her selling her tail for a living, thus being able to put clothes on her back. It's early slut-shaming in either case.
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Oct 13, 2014 17:30
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TapTheForwardAssist posted:Huh, I'd assume that the joke "she covers her back with her tail" was about her selling her tail for a living, thus being able to put clothes on her back. yeah thats what i was thinking.
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Oct 13, 2014 17:38
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TapTheForwardAssist posted:Huh, I'd assume that the joke "she covers her back with her tail" was about her selling her tail for a living, thus being able to put clothes on her back. Oh, drat, you nailed it. nice! "if he had gun" refuted in 1815 
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Oct 13, 2014 17:40
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mookface posted:A taciturn cooper of forty and two was trekking through a wood past dark. With him was a young boy, of whom was previously indentured to the man. It was a dark and foreboding night and a thick fog hung on the moors. 'Mister I'm scared!' Proclaimed the youngster.
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Oct 13, 2014 18:02
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Let's go a bit older - English humour hasn't changed since the 13th century, it's always been about cuckolds: tl/dr: Absolom wants to gently caress Alison, but Nicholas is already loving her, thus cucking the carpenter, Alisons stupid and fat husband. Absolom calls out to Alison for a kiss, and she sticks her arse out the window and he kisses it - realising afterwards he's been giving her oral when he thinks "women don't have beards!". Angry, he runs off to find a red hot poker. Nicholas, Alison's lover, hears him come back and thinks "aha, I'll get him to kiss my arse as well", but when Absolom gets close, Nicholas farts in his face so loudly that Absolom is blinded. Absolom lashes out with the poker and gets Nicholas right in the taint. The original text is much funnier: This absolon doun sette hym on his knees And seyde, I am a lord at alle degrees; For after this I hope ther cometh moore. Lemman, thy grace, and sweete bryd, thyn oore! The wyndow she undoth, and that in haste. Have do, quod she, com of, and speed the faste, Lest that oure neighebores thee espie. This absolon gan wype his mouth ful drie. Derk was the nyght as pich, or as the cole, And at the wyndow out she putte hir hole, And absolon, hym fil no bet ne wers, But with his mouth he kiste hir naked ers Ful savourly, er he were war of this. Abak he stirte, and thoughte it was amys, For wel he wiste a womman hath no berd. He felte a thyng al rough and long yherd, And seyde, fy! allas! what have I do? Tehee! quod she, and clapte the wyndow to, And absolon gooth forth a sory pas. A berd! a berd! quod hende nicholas, By goddes corpus, this goth faire and weel. This sely absolon herde every deel, And on his lippe he gan for anger byte, And to hymself he seyde, I shal thee quyte. Who rubbeth now, who froteth now his lippes With dust, with sond, with straw, with clooth, with chippes, But absolon, that seith ful ofte, allas! My soule bitake I unto sathanas, But me were levere than al this toun, quod he, Of this despit awroken for to be. Allas, quod he, allas, I ne hadde ybleynt! His hoote love was coold and al yqueynt; For fro that tyme that he hadde kist hir ers, Of paramours he sette nat a kers; For he was heeled of his maladie. Ful ofte paramours he gan deffie, And weep as dooth a child that is ybete. A softe paas he wente over the strete Until a smyth men cleped daun gerveys, That in his forge smythed plough harneys; He sharpeth shaar and kultour bisily. This absolon knokketh al esily, What, who artow? it am I, absalon. And seyde, undo, gerveys, and that anon. What, absolon! for cristes sweete tree, Why rise ye so rathe? ey, benedicitee! What eyleth yow? som gay gerl, God it woot, Hath broght yow thus upon the viritoot. By seinte note, ye woot wel what I mene. This absolon ne roghte nat a bene Of al his pley; no word agayn he yaf; He hadde moore tow on his distaf Than gerveys knew, and seyde, freend so deere, That hoote kultour in the chymenee heere, As lene it me, I have therwith to doone, And I wol brynge it thee agayn ful soone. Gerveys answerde, certes, were it gold, Or in a poke nobles alle untold, Thou sholdest have, as I am trewe smyth. Ey, cristes foo! what wol ye do therwith? Therof, quod absolon, be as be may. I shal wel telle it thee to-morwe day -- And caughte the kultour by the colde stele. Ful softe out at the dore he gan to stele, And wente unto the carpenteris wal. He cogheth first, and knokketh therwithal Upon the wyndowe, right as he dide er. This alison answerde, who is ther That knokketh so? I warante it a theef. Why, nay, quod he, God woot, my sweete leef, I am thyn absolon, my deerelyng. Of gold, quod he, I have thee broght a ryng. My mooder yaf it me, so God me save; Ful fyn it is, and therto wel ygrave. This wol I yeve thee, if thou me kisse. This nicholas was risen for to pisse, And thoughte he wolde amenden al the jape; He sholde kisse his ers er that he scape. And up the wyndowe dide he hastily, And out his ers he putteth pryvely Over the buttok, to the haunche-bon; And therwith spak this clerk, this absolon, Spek, sweete bryd, I noot nat where thou art. This nicholas anon leet fle a fart, As greet as it had been a thonder-dent, That with the strook he was yblent! And he was redy with his iren hoot, And nicholas amydde the ers he smoot. (lovely) Translation here,
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Oct 13, 2014 18:09
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lenoon posted:Nicholas, Alison's lover, hears him come back and thinks "aha, I'll get him to kiss my arse as well", but when Absolom gets close, Nicholas farts in his face so loudly that Absolom is blinded. Absolom lashes out with the poker and gets Nicholas right in the taint. Good to see fart jokes never go out of style
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Oct 13, 2014 18:21
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On A Lady's Girdle. That which her slender waist confin'd, Shall now my joyful temples bind; No monarch but would give his crown His arms might do what this has done. It was my heav'n's extremest sphere, The pall which held that lovely dear; My joy, my grief, my hope, my love, Did all within this circle move. A narrow compass! and yet there Dwelt all that's good, and all that's fair! Give me but what this ribbond bound, Take all the rest the Sun goes round. Cheap Maggots A lady, who was very whimsical, had married a rich cheesemonger. A female friend said she was very glad of it, as now Miss ________ might indulge in maggots with- out any expence.
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Oct 13, 2014 18:34
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Oct 13, 2014 18:37
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Im just going describe what I was going to post which was a few very raciest jokes in 'olde english' one of which began 'a gentleman who hailed from one of the more urban areas of chelmesford attended his cermony of investment and was given a teste' but to be honest I cant be arsed to type it out and the description of the intention probably serves just as well. e: Have a bit of raffles the gentleman thug instead http://viz.co.uk/category/raffles-the-gentleman-thug/ Seaside Loafer fucked around with this message at 18:45 on Oct 13, 2014 |
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Oct 13, 2014 18:41
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Nick Biped posted:Good to see fart jokes never go out of style my high school english teacher tried to use that fart joke to get students interested in chaucer. it didn't work
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Oct 13, 2014 18:41
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Nick Biped posted:Good to see fart jokes never go out of style Humour in the Canterbury tales is 50% cucking, 30% farts and 20% clever puns, it's GBS
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Oct 13, 2014 18:48
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lenoon posted:Humour in the Canterbury tales is 50% cucking, 30% farts and 20% clever puns, it's GBS there are no clever puns in GBS
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Oct 13, 2014 18:49
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Quickscope420dad posted:there are no clever puns in GBS ive read one or two. mine
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Oct 13, 2014 18:51
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quote:SCOTCH BAGPIPER.
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Oct 13, 2014 18:55
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A lady meeting in the street a gentleman who was frightfully ugly, took him by the hand, and led him to the shop of a statuary, to whom she said, 'Just like this,' and departed. The gentleman astonished, asked the meaning of this: the statuary answered, 'The lady has employed me to make a figure of the devil, and as I had no model she promised to bring me one.' Gonna use this the next time I visit the goons.jpg thread
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Oct 13, 2014 18:56
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Frostwerks posted:so wait peggy got nice clothes because she put out a lot or something idgi. she's a courtesan isn't that her job she covers her back (buys clothes) with her tail (by loving)
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Oct 13, 2014 19:20
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quote:Much like thy posting!
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Oct 13, 2014 19:20
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Ghaz posted:she covers her back (buys clothes) with her tail (by loving) thats what i implied 
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Oct 13, 2014 19:26
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Frostwerks posted:thats what i implied hmmm do u not have squirrels in ur country??
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Oct 13, 2014 19:40
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she put out means she fucks a lot (by using her "tail" a colloquialism for her sex parts and places adjacent)
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Oct 13, 2014 19:46
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*tells a oval office joke* *is literally Shakespeare*
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Oct 13, 2014 22:16
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Chard posted:*tells a oval office joke* Oh poo poo we've been rumbled
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Oct 13, 2014 22:35
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(Reuters) - The world's oldest recorded joke has been traced back to 1900 BC and suggests that toilet humour was as popular with the ancients as it is today. It is a saying of the Sumerians, who lived in what is now southern Iraq and goes: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."
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Oct 13, 2014 22:36
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SIMPLICITY A countryman being a witness in a Court of Justice was asked by the Cousel if he was born in wedlock. "No Sir," answered the man, "I was born in Devonshire."
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Oct 13, 2014 22:43
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ON A WOULD-BE WRITER Your Prose and Verse alike are bad, Methinks you both transpose; Your Prose e'en like your Verse runs mad, And all your Verse is Prose.
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Oct 13, 2014 22:45
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TOO SOON OR TOO LATE About five months when John his fair did wed, The lovely Katherine was brought to bed ; "Hey now!" quoth John, "this is too soon my Kate," "No John," said she, "you matted me too late."
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Oct 13, 2014 22:57
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quote:THE LADY'S CHOICE Good joke I guess since it's combo dick+death but that lady's kind of hosed up.
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Oct 13, 2014 22:58
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Ahahah this one is not so much a joke as straight up truth: HOW TO WRITE A LOVE LETTER A true and original receipt for composing a modern Love Letter - Take five hundred protestations, half as many vows, three thousand lies, fifty pounds weight of deceit, an equal quantity of nonsense, and treble the whole of flattery: mix all these ingredients up together, and add thereto half a scruple of sincerity, sweetening it often with the words - angel, goddess, charmer, honey and the like. When it is sweetened to your taste, take as much of it at a time as you think proper; fold it up in gilt paper; seal it with the impression of a flaming heart full of wounds; let it be carefully delivered, and it is irresistable.
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Oct 13, 2014 23:00
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JFairfax posted:TOO SOON OR TOO LATE a) She had already hosed someone else so he didnt get her virginity b) He had hosed her 5 months ago already and knocked her up c) He shot his load too quickly meanings within meanings within meanings
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Oct 13, 2014 23:22
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Zipping ahead to 1938, from "The Master Book of Humorous Illustrations for Public Speakers," by Leewin B Williams:Accidents posted:A Kansas exchange tells of a man who mortgaged his farm to buy his wife a pair of diamond earrings. The wife took in washing to pay the interest on the mortgage, but the first job she did she lost one of the "sparks" in the suds, whereupon she tried to hang herself in the barn, but the rope broke and she fell on a jersey cow, worth $150, and broke its back. Her husband then undertook to shoot the cow to end its misery, but the gun burst and destroyed his eyes, and his wife ran away with a lightning-rod peddler. The mortgage is still on deck and bids fair to live to a ripe old age. Action posted:A few years ago during the revival of the Ku Klux Klan one Georgia Negro met another on the street. Ambition posted:A boy in a Chicago school refused to sew, evidently considering it beneath the dignity of a ten-year-old man. "George Washington sewed," said the principal, taking it for granted that a soldier must; "and do you consider yourself better than George Washington?" American Spirit, The posted:A San Francisco youngster, American-born, recently rebelled fiercely when his Italian father whipped him for some misdemeanor. Ancestors posted:"Have ye anny ancisters, Mrs. Kelly?" asked Mrs. O'Brien. Anticipation posted:A German who was feeling not quite up to the mark asked his druggist for a prescription. The druggist prepared a small box of pills and handed these to his customer with the remark:
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Oct 13, 2014 23:23
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mookface posted:A taciturn cooper of forty and two was trekking through a wood past dark. With him was a young boy, of whom was previously indentured to the man. It was a dark and foreboding night and a thick fog hung on the moors. 'Mister I'm scared!' Proclaimed the youngster. A troubling past. A young gentleman of liberal disposition laments the barbarity of the slave trade to his friend. "I know it only too well." exclaims his fellow, "my own dear grandfather himself, died aboard one of those accursed ships." The first gentleman, quite flumoxed, asks how such a tragedy could come to pass. "he fell from the crow's nest." the second gentleman replies.
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Oct 14, 2014 00:12
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jazzyhattrick posted:A troubling past. whoa !
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Oct 14, 2014 00:14
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JFairfax posted:Ahahah this one is not so much a joke as straight up truth: I always wondered what e-mail forwards looked like in days of yore.
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Oct 14, 2014 00:24
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jazzyhattrick posted:A troubling past. tell me this is real
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Oct 14, 2014 00:25
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jazzyhattrick posted:A troubling past. Well I never...
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Oct 14, 2014 00:27
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| # ? Apr 25, 2024 09:20 |
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jazzyhattrick posted:A troubling past. Oh lawks a lordy! I doth expire! Nurse, make haste with the side-reseaming equipment! 
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Oct 14, 2014 00:33
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