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ziasquinn
Jan 1, 2006

Fallen Rib
John teraflops, nic cagolas, how can you go wrong? You know that John teraflops isn't the bad guy because his hair is short. His hair is always long when he's the bad guy: see pulp fiction and the punisher

Opens with a murder of a child, cuts 6 years later, plane chased by cars and helicopter. Helicopter fucks up the planes elevator and it can't take off. Cagolas kills the pilot and tries to fly the plane. It blasts through a warehouse door and he escapes. Gunfight boss fight ensues

Nic cagolas gets his rear end kicked by teraflops and dies in a testing chamber for a jet engine that's just set up and ready to be flipped on.

The Feds are proud of John teraflops but John isn't satisfied until he's disarmed a bomb that the cagolas planted in some place in LA.

After talking to literally two people, he decides to undergo a radical procedure to alter his identity by TAKING NIC CAGOLAS a face and putting it on his face. They then do poo poo like liposuction and chest hair augmentation and hairline recession to make him look like they cagolas man himself. Then they go and gently caress it all up with hard science by just mentioning offhandedly that the surgeon threw in a free microchip in his vocal cords that'll somehow make his voice sound like nic cages

So now John cagolas walks into a super prison on a oil rig that keeps its inmates in check with magnetic boots on a wire mesh floor. This seems excessively expensive and potentially dangerous, but who cares cause it's metal as heck. He talks to nic cagolas brother who tests his knowledge because the brother is known to be hyper paranoid

So anyway nic cages wakes up AND SAYS. What the gently caress?! He calls of two nooks who drag the surgeon (idk how they knew who he was) to the surgery center and nic cage demands that he put John teraflops face on his and do the entire procedure in reverse. I guess the surgeon does it all alone, but didn't need an anasteglioist and didn't think to like, just over gas him and run away

Either way, nic teraflops kills everyone and burns the place down destroyed all evidence and killing the ONLY man who can perform the radical surgery. He assumes his position in John teraflops life.

Meanwhile john cagolas ain't getting no where in prison. Having a hard time getting into the psychotic mindset and freaking out every time he looks in a mirror. When nic teraflops shows up and teases him (no cameras or anything I guess) he's enraged but useless. Nic teraflops goes "home" and reads John teraflops' wife's diary and finds out that she never gets the dick. He decides to turn around John teraflops sex life as a nice favor from man to man. After all, they've known each other for 20 years. After that, he eye fucks John teraflops daughter. Later, he sees her getting manhandled by a guy in his driveway and goes over and breaks in the window with his foot and drags the guy out before nearly murdering him. I have no idea why he does it except that he is getting attached to being a real man on the real side of the law?? It's very complex, obviously. He gives John teraflops' daughter a butterfly knife. This is important.

Nic teraflops has to deal with the bomb he planted in his previous identity. He easily disarms it with the code he knows (using a computer monitor that plays a PowerPoint with flashing buttons to make it look like a touch screen, regrettably, the director and editor decided to use the shot when nic teraflops finger lags behind the animation and it's embarrassing ) he's hailed a hero. John teraflops hears about it in jail and gets real pissy when nic teraflops speaks to him through the reporters interview.

John cagolas escapes prison and after seeing he's on an oil rig, a helicopter tries to gun him down. He's bad rear end enough in nic cagolas young and hair line receding body to jump off the rig and swim to shore. He gets some clothes and goes into nic cagolas hideout and learns that nic cagolas has a son with some brunette. He immediately decides the kid is his and protects him.

Nic teraflops puts a SWAT team of interminable size against his own gang and forces john cagolas to fight for his life and protect his new son. He kills a lot of agents and feels good about the blood lust growing in shis heart. He tells some of his old colleagues to run away and they just do

Finally nic teraflops and John cagolas confront each other via some mirrors. I don't know why there are so many. It's a funhouse in a museum. Nic teraflops asks if they should just team up, and then when denied, says plan b is they'll KILL EACH OTHER. They both shoot their enemies reflections in the glass and Harry Potter style, the mirror shatters and they both duck from the fire and a huge gunfight ensues. Matrix style. John woo style I guess.

Either way, it climaxes with John cagolas killing nic teraflops brother. When asked why nic teraflops is so upset about some mook getting killed, he murders the simple minded intern who asked and somehow didn't die in the gunfight.

Nic teraflops goes back to work and gets chewed out by his boss, he notices he's gonna have a heart attack. He chokes him out and slams his elbow on his bosses back, before revealing his secret "I am nic cagolas " which I'm sure makes no loving sense to the boss as he loving dies. He calls an ambulance.

Meanwhile, john cagolas goes to his wife and convinces her that he is who he says he is because he's got memories and poo poo. He also mentions that his blood type is different than nic cagolas. She is doubtful, but he leaves. That night, she stabs nic teraflops in the arm and gets some blood, to which he doesn't notice at all. Apparently she's a doctor, I don't remember this being brought up before. She goes to the hospital and tests the blood using a slide machine reader which determines the blood is John teraflops blood type. Conveniently and despite a bullet wound, he's actually there so they can hug and poo poo.

Then some poo poo happens I can't remember, something about the boss bring buried and John cageolas shows up to gently caress with nic teraflops and then they get in a huge stand off with like everyone in the movie pointing guns at each other. John teraflops wife is held hostage, because I guess John cagolas just knows what's up.

The gun fight ends with like, everyone dead but John cagolas, nic teraflops, the wife, and the daughter. Nic teraflops runs into the courtyard and chokes out John cageolas so well that his voice microchip breaks I guess and he is now dubbed over withi John teraflops voice. It's very nice. John teraflops voice is the only thing that keeps his daughter from murdering him.

Nic teraflops fights John off and grabs johns daughter and holds her hostage. He licks her face and She pulls out the butterfly knife he gave her and stabs the gently caress outta his thigh. He lets her go and loving runs to a pier and jumps in a boat.

But John cagolas is right behind him and he snags about just as the whole dock explodes.


The boat chase which is excellent. Eventually John cagolas manages to get onto nic teraflops boat and tries to fight him. The stunt double for nic cageolas hair is way too long and it's a bad call.

The boat chase ends on an entire crew of a police boat getting murdered from 100yards from a pistol and the boat explodes as nic teraflops and John cagolas ramp through the boat and slam into a dry dock. The boat explodes and they scramble up the small beach until they can fight.

Eventually John cagolas gets the upper hand and shoves nic teraflops against a wall with a harpoon gun pushed against his chest. Nic is too fast tho and grabs the mechanism and jams the machine just as the trigger is pulled.

I don't know why, but John cagolas does not reveal the secret child that nic cageolas doesn't know about. Nic teraflops starts cutting up his own face and laughing about how John CAGOLAS would have to live with his body forever and then John teraflops finally shoots the harpoon gun into the guys chest and screams "WHY WONT YOU DIE" or "just die!!" I can't remember but it was good.

The cops show up and I guess they believed John chagelos wife and they say they're flying the best surgeon in the country in to revert the changes and get his real body back. This is skipped. Next scene, John teraflops, back in his real body, shows up at home. His wife smiled and his daughter apologizes for almost killing him. He chuckles and then says he has a favor to ask. He reveals nic cageolas child, telling no one who he really is except "Adam" and he needs somewhere to live.

His daughter takes Adam to check out the unaltered and probably dusty room of the dead son and John teraflops gives his wife a pleading look as one would give if asking if he could keep a stray off the street. She nods knowingly and and they kiss. Instantly black screen, credits roll

-your dead gay son

5/5 die hards

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Chumbawumba4ever97
Dec 31, 2000

by Fluffdaddy
The porn parody, Face/gently caress, was better imho

mind the walrus
Sep 22, 2006

I thought this was about the reality show Face Off and now I'm sad :smith:

Robo Reagan
Feb 12, 2012

by Fluffdaddy
i enjoyed it esp watching john travolta doing his best nic cage parody

pretty soft girl
Oct 1, 2004

my dead grandfather fights better than you

mind the walrus posted:

I thought this was about the reality show Face Off and now I'm sad :smith:

Every time I see the TV show referenced on TV listings or whatever I get very disappointed when I realize it's not Face/Off

mind the walrus
Sep 22, 2006

You're legit missing out.

ziasquinn
Jan 1, 2006

Fallen Rib

Robo Reagan posted:

i enjoyed it esp watching john travolta doing his best nic cage parody

And Vice versa, although it was really just an advanced version of nic cage

pretty soft girl
Oct 1, 2004

my dead grandfather fights better than you
Also I really enjoy that Face/Off is directed in such a way that these All American Tuff Guys are acting in the same style as Hong Kong Melodrama based flicks like A Better Tomorrow and The Killer

It somehow seems natural when Chow Yun Fat or Danny Li are sobbing and belting out silly-as-gently caress lines in Cantonese and shooting UZIs but when j travs or Nic cage do it it seems like the movie was directed by an android

a shiny rock
Nov 13, 2009

the only bad character was regular john travolta

Yaldabaoth
Oct 9, 2012

by Azathoth

pretty soft girl posted:

It somehow seems natural when Chow Yun Fat or Danny Li are sobbing and belting out silly-as-gently caress lines in Cantonese and shooting UZIs but when j travs or Nic cage do it it seems like the movie was directed by an android

That's because white people are poo poo at expressing emotion due to their autism

ziasquinn
Jan 1, 2006

Fallen Rib
Yeah

Cardiovorax
Jun 5, 2011

I mean, if you're a successful actress and you go out of the house in a skirt and without underwear, knowing that paparazzi are just waiting for opportunities like this and that it has happened many times before, then there's really nobody you can blame for it but yourself.
Nic Cage is a good actor and a cool guy who knows when to shut up and not talk about something. He also gives a bunch of money to charities (the real kind, not the "pro-family" kind) which makes him alright in my book.

Kuato
Feb 25, 2005

"I CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE THE WHOLE THING"
Buglord
I watched it as a teenager a long time ago, and there were some hot chicks in it (I considered them hot at the time anyway, although I'm sure my tastes have changed since), which was basically my litmus test for awesome movies at the time. I haven't seen it since, but I'll just go ahead and take a fellow Goon's word for it that is indeed loving awesome; particularly after such an articulate and persuasive original post.

Ahundredbux
Oct 25, 2007

The right to bear arms
travolta should be the bad guy but he is the bad guy but also he's not

John Denver Hoxha
May 31, 2014

What a persistent nightmare!
....but enough about my posts
I really like john woos more american action films there was a pretty great streak with hard target, broken arrow, and face/off and personally I enjoyed windtalkers and paycheck but those are sorta contentious

BrutalistMcDonalds
Oct 4, 2012


Lipstick Apathy
Hard Target is great. It's got mullet Van Damme. Takes place in New Orleans. Was John Woo's first U.S. movie.

It's got scenes he remixed from his Hong Kong movies. And it did the Face/Off back-to-the-wall standoff years before Face/Off.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6Vbxei-TQc

Robo Reagan
Feb 12, 2012

by Fluffdaddy

John Denver Hoxha posted:

I really like john woos more american action films there was a pretty great streak with hard target, broken arrow, and face/off and personally I enjoyed windtalkers and paycheck but those are sorta contentious

let's not forget the other movie with the word check in it

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mf-7OvD6oFQ

henpod
Mar 7, 2008

Sir, we have located the Bioweapon.
College Slice
Face off kicks rear end. I will always love that bit in the church near the end where Cage is shooting with two guns and does a front flip on the spot for no reason.

That movie gave us all some of the best cagefaces.






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SLICK GOKU BABY
Jun 12, 2001

Hey Hey Let's Go! 喧嘩する
大切な物を protect my balls


Robo Reagan posted:

let's not forget the other movie with the word check in it

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mf-7OvD6oFQ

This movie promotes bank fraud. So many people are locked up cause of this movie!

Edit - Poors defrauding banks, not banks defrauding poors which we all know is legal.

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