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It’s that time again, m’droogs; time to waddle up to whoever bears the blame for your continued existence and beg for another hit of the drug that’s slowly killing you: VIDEOOOOO GAMES! But which video game console should you buy? WHICH ONE? That’s a good question. Neat. Here’s a guide to help you. It will not, however, help you escape from the life you’ve made for yourself. There is no escape from hell. XBOX ONE WHAT IS IT: Microsoft’s latest large whirring object. It’s sort of plays video games, and kind of plays apps, and I guess you can watch tv through it. Sometimes it’s a fireplace. If you ever get sad enough, you can climb to the top and leap to your death. WHY SHOULD YOU BUY IT: It pleases you to think that, somewhere, there is a non-Japanese person who is unironically wearing a hachimaki & typing many angry words about how gay & dumb you are. HOW MUCH IS IT: $499. Wait… $399… wait, $350… wait, $300… wait, now they’re giving them away free with the purchase of Mountain Dew flavored beef jerky. PLAYSTATION 4 WHAT IS IT: Imagine a moderately more powerful version of the Playstation 3. Now imagine a nerd trying to have sex with it. This is… Playstation 4 WHY SHOULD YOU BUY IT: INDIES INDIES INDIES! Like that one that is about… uh, spaceships, I think? And the other one that’s, uh, is there… a guy who jumps in it? Also there’s a new game on the way that’s more or less like Dark Souls, so if your craven autistic heart desires above all other things to perform the same repetitive tasks over and over again, then this is the system for you. HOW MUCH IS IT: You can’t put a price on dignity… but you never had any to barter with anyways, so give them $400 instead. NINTENDO WIIU WHAT IS IT: Nintendo’s latest cry for help as it tumbles helplessly down a spiral of depression. WHY SHOULD YOU BUY IT: You have many deep thoughts about the world of Adventure Time. Also, when you own one, there is a 30% chance an Asian dragon will appear before you and nod sagely. HOW MUCH IS IT: $299, or, to put it in terms you may more easily understand, ten Dr. Who season box sets. ALL THE loving HANDHELDS, JESUS CHRIST ALREADY WHAT ARE THEY: Genitalia repellent. WHY SHOULD YOU BUY THEM: Being an adult and using one in public is basically second only to dressing like a Vulcan as shorthand for being a possible rapist of children, and I’m sure moms appreciate the heads up. HOW MUCH IS IT: One and a half disability checks. OUYA WHAT IS IT: ahahahahahahahah WHY SHOULD YOU BUY ONE: hahahahahahahahahaha HOW MUChahahahahahahahahahahahahahah PC WHAT IS IT: Something else to spend $1200 dollars on, once you finally feel like you own “enough” Realdolls. WHY SHOULD YOU BUY ONE: Rumor has it if you give Gaben enough money he might befriend you on Google+ HOW MUCH: EVERYTHING. GIVE EVERYTHING UNTO YOUR NEW GOD. SMART PHONES, TABLETS, ETC WHAT IS IT: A more clandestine way to be a loving dork. WHY SHOULD YOU BUY ONE: Ostensibly to stay in contact with people and more efficiently run your life, but let’s be serious. You just want to help Anime girls be the best half naked pop band they can be. HOW MUCH: For the device: free-$500 After factoring in IAP: EVERYTHING. GIVE EVERYTHING UNTO YOUR NEW GOD.
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Nov 11, 2014 17:27
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I suggest you buy board games, because when the Muslim hordes finally nuke our nation off the face of the earth, you'll still have Scrabble.
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Nov 11, 2014 17:28
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i cant afford video games so i post here
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Nov 11, 2014 17:42
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Nah I'll stick with Kaboom on my Atari 2600
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Nov 11, 2014 17:44
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"I play a lot of video games, so you can trust me when I say that this guide saved my life." -President Barack Obama "Video games are good. I am good. This guide is good. Everything is good. Let us play the video games" -Vice President Joe Biden "I don't like video games and I don't like this guide. Oh no my pants fell down and I'm embarrassed! I see the error of my ways. God bless Video Games!" -Speaker of The House John Boehner "Now I don't want to get anyone's hopes up, but if he keeps responding positively to medication and therapy, I feel fairly confident that we could move Frankie to a group home." -Dr. Warren Video Games "Video games... yes." -Me, Mysterious Frankie
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Nov 11, 2014 19:24
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uG posted:i cant afford video games so i post here You are welcome here, my brother.
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Nov 11, 2014 20:02
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i intend to buy the toy with the best numbers. what are some good numbers to consider, before buying a toy? sincerely, puzzled in pittsburgh
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Nov 11, 2014 20:04
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The Xbone will win this console generation because of exclusives or something.
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Nov 11, 2014 20:04
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I'm saving this spot for some really gay charts.
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Nov 11, 2014 20:05
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Pudding Huxtable posted:Nah I'll stick with Kaboom on my Atari 2600 please don't threadshit in a funny, effort thread
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Nov 11, 2014 20:07
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paranoid randroid posted:i intend to buy the toy with the best numbers. what are some good numbers to consider, before buying a toy? This is an interesting question, because the answer is not as straightforward as you may think. While the PS4 does crunch the most gigafloops per miliminute, the xbox has superior owning architecture and as such its ftw/ftl ratios are actually more in your favor. At the same time, if you like to game extremely hard the WiiU's controller will be more your style; nintendo made it out of a solid 5 inch thick slab of steel. Personally I lean more towards the pc, as I am not aryan enough to be a neonazi, but the gaming master race lets just about anyone in. The Canadian government actually made it a law that you must own at least three OUYAs, so if you're a Canadian your mind has pretty much been made up for you. As you see this is a complex issue. I hope my guide will help you make up your mind.
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Nov 11, 2014 20:13
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business gorilla's console buyer's guide: don't buy consoles its 2014 lmao
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Nov 11, 2014 20:14
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Spanish Manlove's Fall PC Gaming rundown
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Nov 11, 2014 20:17
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Spanish Manlove posted:Spanish Manlove's Fall PC Gaming rundown 5 nights of freddy 2 coming soon with 5 more days of freddy
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Nov 11, 2014 20:20
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I actually have no idea what the gently caress is coming out this year aside from Assassin's Creed Unity, FC4, Pokemon, and WoW
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Nov 11, 2014 20:21
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mysterious frankie posted:This is an interesting question, because the answer is not as straightforward as you may think. While the PS4 does crunch the most gigafloops per miliminute, the xbox has superior owning architecture and as such its ftw/ftl ratios are actually more in your favor. At the same time, if you like to game extremely hard the WiiU's controller will be more your style; nintendo made it out of a solid 5 inch thick slab of steel. Personally I lean more towards the pc, as I am not aryan enough to be a neonazi, but the gaming master race lets just about anyone in. The Canadian government actually made it a law that you must own at least three OUYAs, so if you're a Canadian your mind has pretty much been made up for you. thank you for your quick response. i have heard that the xbox uses lots of the wrong numbers, such as 17 and 91, in its construction so i think ill be giving it a miss. i am however also extremely interested in nintendos dedication to frantically throwing marios at every vertical surface in sight and will be considering this behavior in future financial decisions
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Nov 11, 2014 20:23
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I live in sub-Saharan Africa and have but a loincloth, a WebTV, and this extension cord hooked up to a hospital's generator to my name. What console should I purchase this gifting season?
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Nov 11, 2014 20:34
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buy a stick and tie a ball on a string to it
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Nov 11, 2014 20:36
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Crewmine posted:5 nights of freddy 2 coming soon with 5 more days of freddy If you get it on xbox one, you can shout "Freddy please leave me alone!" and Freddy will leave you alone. This trick will not work on PS4 and if you attempt to shout it into your tiny little controller Freddy will take off his pants and rape your character, because the console is Japanese and begging for mercy is a natural part of the mating ritual there. Spanish Manlove posted:I actually have no idea what the gently caress is coming out this year aside from Assassin's Creed Unity, FC4, Pokemon, and WoW BIG GAMES FOR THE VARIOUS CONSOLES XBOX ONE: Snide McCools Rooftop Punkgasm, Oh Man That Exploded 4, Call Of Duty: Rooftop Punkgasm, SPOOOORTS'15, Grand Theft Auto 5 PLAYSTATION: Memory Heart: Junktop Gladness Yes, Angel Finder Sweetness Overlove, Something Doublefine Made That Probably Won't Work Right, Grand Theft Auto 5 WIIU: Super Mario part who gives a poo poo, Legend of Zelda part can't make myself care anymore, Mario Party part please gently caress off Nintendo, Metroid part I am making a snoring noise very loudly in your direction so that you'll understand how I feel, No Grand Theft Auto 5 OUYA: hahahahahahahahaha PC: Some half finished indie poo poo and if you attempt to find the studio that said on Kickstarter that they'd finish it, all you'll find are Aeron chairs that are still spinning from when they leaped up, filled suitcases with money, and fled to Monaco, Grand Theft Auto 5 HANDHELD: Some game where you shake a child to make her shirt fall off, Super Mario part nananananana my fingers are in my ears and my eyes are closed I am pretending it doesn't exist, No Grand Theft Auto 5 SMART PHONES: Puzzle Jeweler, Jewel Finder, Cake Maker, Cake Jeweler, Zombie Puzzler, No Grand Theft Auto 5 mysterious frankie fucked around with this message at 17:24 on Nov 12, 2014 |
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Nov 11, 2014 20:39
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indie blockblusters to keep an eye on A Metaphor for Death 3: This Time It's Kickstarted [in a being john malkovich voice] Roguelike Roguelike, Roguelike Roguelike Roguelike?
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Nov 11, 2014 20:45
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Korranus posted:I live in sub-Saharan Africa and have but a loincloth, a WebTV, and this extension cord hooked up to a hospital's generator to my name. What console should I purchase this gifting season? Deffo PS4. Xbox One probably won't perform well in the heat. Also, get a real gaming cave, newb scrub.
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Nov 11, 2014 20:45
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paranoid randroid posted:thank you for your quick response. i have heard that the xbox uses lots of the wrong numbers, such as 17 and 91, in its construction so i think ill be giving it a miss. i am however also extremely interested in nintendos dedication to frantically throwing marios at every vertical surface in sight and will be considering this behavior in future financial decisions There's been a lot made in the media of the numbers that xbox uses, but honestly I'm a little more worried about PS4's reliance on 323s and 8056.47. I read about these numbers and I'm like, am I taking crazy pills here? Am I? Am I? I mean, seriously? Really? Right? But that ultimately comes down to personal opinion; any way you slice it all numbers are faulty intellectual constructs that breed in our minds like vermin and will ultimately lead to humanity's downfall. Really, the one thing you want to keep in mind when picking which console is right for you is what kind of ads your console is going to feature. Some people like tacos and the like, and if they do then ps4 is gonna be the way to go. Other people like Bing and anime; xbox is there for them. WiiU has almost no ads whatsoever and I personally think that's doing them no favors in the console race; that said, Mario occasionally hopping into whatever game you're playing to repeat his catchphrases is a delightful way to remind the audience that they are in fact capital delivery systems, controlled & directed by monolithic business ventures that engineer their entire psychology towards passively accepting that they have no say in anything, not even the way they enjoy their limited downtime. OUYA occasionally flashes a horrific image of mutilated livestock and a cryptic 15 digit number string, which obviously appeals to libertarians and now the new iPhone\iPad Apple has those tiny little spiked wires that shoot out of the device, burrow into your skull & beam Chipotle ads & U2's new album directly into your brain. Like I said, it's a lot to think about, and I wish you the best this holiday season!
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Nov 11, 2014 22:35
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mysterious frankie posted:Like I said, it's a lot to think about, and I wish you the best this holiday season! thanks. ive felt this change coming in my gaming water for weeks now. i pull a single strand of hair from my mouth and feel a knotted mass moving at the other end deep in my throat. sometimes i forget which hole the potato chips go in. alas, i die horatio.
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Nov 11, 2014 22:44
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SOME QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF WHILE CHOOSING A NEW CONSOLE -Can I clear enough old newspapers and cat skeletons aside to make room for another console? -Do I want a console that comes to me in my dreams, or do I want a non-dreamwalker console? -Will Gamestop let me pay for my console of choice in pennies? -Does this console possess the proper dimensions to fill the life and career sized hole in my heart? -Is someone breaking in and moving my pictures around ever so slightly while I sleep, or am I just imagining it? -How many P's do I want my console to support and, if need be, can focusing my chi at the console to increase the number of P's? -If this console is struck by lightening at just the right moment, will it come alive and be my friend? -If the government gets wind of my alive console, will they try to take it from me? -If they do, how far am I willing to go to protect my alive console? -Would I really kill for my new friend? -Really? -All of them? -You want me to kill all of them, alive console? -And do what with the blood? -Does the console support Blu-ray playback? mysterious frankie fucked around with this message at 00:46 on Nov 12, 2014 |
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Nov 12, 2014 00:43
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Spanish Manlove posted:please don't threadshit in a funny, effort thread Who's threadshitting? Kaboom is a legit straight up brilliant game, and then fact that there's no pretentious indie darling remake that captures the beautiful essence of the old Reagan era cold war sexual tension on my 3DS and Vita is a god damned travesty.
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Nov 12, 2014 04:00
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it doesn't matter mom's getting you a bop-it
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Nov 12, 2014 04:45
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Look at this scrub who thinks it would take one and a half of my disability checks for me to afford a new handheld.  It'd take 4.
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Nov 12, 2014 06:49
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"I rose at the the setting of the sun and turned on my laptop, captured by a driving desire to replace the aging Xbox 360 that sat crouched in the far corner of my rumpus room, a glowering imp in burnished black. Thankfully I found this guide before I bought a Nintendo product, as from it I have learned that they are for gay retards. Thank you, frankie." -Cormac McCarthy, "Cities of the Plain" "This is President Obama again, checking in once more to reaffirm my lifelong affiliation with video games and this wonderful guide, made with what could only be the guiding hand of divine providence itself. Our nation, if not the world, owes a great debt to mysterious frankie and his wonderful guide. And, I believe it goes without saying, to video games as well." -President Barack Obama "The doctors say he's getting better, but still... I just don't get why he stares at that snow globe we bought him at E3 '97 all day and all night. I wonder what he sees in there?" -Mom "In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. Video games are cool." Matthew 5:45, The Bible mysterious frankie fucked around with this message at 17:17 on Nov 12, 2014 |
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Nov 12, 2014 16:02
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COMMON XBOX HAND AND VOICE COMMANDS HAND: The Party Time: Move your hand at the wrist up and down rapidly while moving the whole arm from chest level to the ground. This will alert your assigned NSA agent that you are preparing to masturbate. The Jazz Hands: With arms outstretched and palms facing the kinect, rotate hands side to side. This will cause Xbox to buy digital copies of all nine seasons of hit television drama One Tree Hill. Coughing: Place your hand to your mouth while coughing, so as to not spread germs. This will make the Xbox pause the movie you are watching. The Good Job: Hold out both of your hands towards the edge of the screen. Close your hands and move them toward each other in front of your chest, allowing each hand to contact the other with force. Repeat with escalating rapidity. This lets the Xbox know that you appreciate its performance. VOICE: "Xbox, go home": This does nothing. "Xbox, select": This does nothing. "Xbox, go to settings." This turns off the Xbox. "Xbox, turn off." This does nothing. "Xbox, help." At normal volume, this does nothing. But if you scream it over and over again the cops will eventually come.
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Nov 12, 2014 16:29
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i had a post but then i thought of ho whuge the xbox one is and goddamn
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Nov 12, 2014 17:12
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OP, i have a PS3, but dont really know what to do with it!! Byu some games? Paint it? Use netflix and watch that anime with those girls? Mash it hard into my groin? Try those new batmano games? Sell it and use the money for my political campaign? HELP!!!
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Nov 12, 2014 17:20
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OP, what are some good indie games coming out in the fall gameing season?
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Nov 12, 2014 17:21
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mysterious frankie posted:I suggest you buy board games, because when the Muslim hordes finally nuke our nation off the face of the earth, you'll still have Scrabble. Agreed, Board Games own.
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Nov 12, 2014 17:24
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Spanish Manlove posted:OP, what are some good indie games coming out in the fall gameing season? The fall is basically behind us, so I think I can safely say that the PC was the clear winner in the Battle of the Indies yet again. Those displaced in the aftermath of its victory are now streaming over the borders into neighboring consoles, where they are being apprehended and placed into camps. Some titles to look for are: THE VANISHING OF ETHAN CARTER: Originally touted as an exploration based puzzle game with a story emulating the Weird Fiction literary style of the early 20th century, Ethan Carter turned out to be quite the interesting metagame. Players must venture out onto the net, make allies, and search out tools that will help them determine which system files are incompatible with the game, then risk life and limb downloading new, strange .dlls from third party sites. STARBOUND: Not out of beta, or even graced with a stable update since earlier this year, Starbound is still taking internet forums by storm. Users compete in multiplayer bitch fests, vying to prove they are the most aggrieved party in this race to the inevitable disbanding of Chucklefish, the team responsible for the game. FIVE NIGHTS AT FRANKIE'S 2: Frankie just got a little Frankier with the newest installment of this out of left field hit series. Are you ready for the spooktacular twist ending, where we discover the guy who made it is a furry and we were supposed to be jacking it to his sexy creations the entire time? Better get on top of this one quick; Five Nights At Frankie's parts 3, 4 and 5 will be released early next month. NEVERENDING NIGHTMARES: A terrifying glimpse into an alternate reality where Edward Gorey was actually a self obsessed shithead who makes bad video games about his widdle sad feewings. Broke the Kickstarter curse by actually getting finished and not causing the artist to consider having gender reassignment surgery. HOTLINE MIAMI 2: WRONG NUMBER: I know it's not technically released, but my uncle works for Devolver and he got me a copy. It's pretty great, I feel really bad for everyone missing out. mysterious frankie fucked around with this message at 18:39 on Nov 12, 2014 |
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Nov 12, 2014 17:55
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Powercrazy posted:Agreed, Board Games own. Sometimes a man wants to get together with some buds, drink some beers, and stare regretfully at the bible-thick rulebook for some poo poo he spent $120 dollars for at a hobby shop, while everyone else puts on music and makes small talk.
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Nov 12, 2014 18:14
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mysterious frankie posted:Sometimes a man wants to get together with some buds, drink some beers, and stare regretfully at the bible-thick rulebook for some poo poo he spent $120 dollars for at a hobby shop, while everyone else puts on music and makes small talk. Protip for board gamers: The first time you get together with friends to play a new board game, don't expect to actually play the game. It's a dry run, but as long as everyone involved is aware of this, it can still be a fun time.
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Nov 12, 2014 18:26
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Imagine a future in 6 years when all the PC ports and games are hamstrung by xbones 5gb ddr3 ram
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Nov 12, 2014 18:30
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oh wow a skip-it, thanks Dan you definitely are my favourite stepdad and not real dad
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Nov 12, 2014 18:31
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Your Dead Gay Son posted:Imagine a future in 6 years when all the PC ports and games are hamstrung by xbones 5gb ddr3 ram Although we like to think otherwise, the human brain can not accurately imagine a planning horizon much past what's going on that week, so it's best to just relax the muscles and let the disastrous outcomes of our meddling with forces beyond our ken just wash over us.
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Nov 12, 2014 18:34
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the xbox one is fun and good I would definitely go for that one
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Nov 12, 2014 18:35
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