|
If you're on an episode of Family Guy, just say "this is more exciting than the time I had sex with [insert name of preferred partner here]" and you will abruptly be shown having sex with them. If it's a super hot day, lay her down and slowly rub a cube of ice on the sensual parts of her body, thanking God for the existence of each part as you rub it down. Carve the soles of your shoes so that your footprints read "follow me." Once you get a guy following you, walk into a sex motel. Create a machine to broadcast a radio signal that selectively ignites U.S. currency. When all the cash money in the U.S. is destroyed, offer your proprietary "Cobra Coins" to the distraught citizens, instructing them that the only way to receive Cobra Coins is to have sex with you. Spin around real fast until you change into Wonder Woman as played by a young Lynda Carter. Drive to Philadelphia, "the city of brotherly love." Take your brother along with you in the car and nudge him when you pass the sign.
|
#
?
Dec 18, 2014 22:24
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 26, 2024 20:32 |
|
|
Let everyone know how many times you put someone on six hour probation as the Idiot King of FYAD. Your devotion will show how you're real relationship material. Spend your entire probation sending them PMs of your love and dedication. What else are you going to do with the entire internet at your disposal? Make sure while you are an IK you probate them enough so that they'll know they have your "special attention". If they become IK and probate you back, this is a counter-sign. You're in! Buy your intended a custom avatar. Everyone loves avatars! By extension, they will love you. Voudoun. I cannot stress enough how well voodoo hoodoo works and that everyone should be aware of its romantic utility. Just cut off some of their hair, make a fetish doll out of wax or clay, and cast spells on that sucker like your future depended on it. You may have to become a shaman of voudoun for this to work properly. Suicide Sam E. fucked around with this message at 22:54 on Dec 18, 2014 |
|
#
?
Dec 18, 2014 22:48
|
|
|
go on craigslist and search m4m and then call one of those guys and then have some sex with that dude(s). well good luck and god bless and have a merry holiday
|
|
#
?
Dec 18, 2014 22:48
|
|
|
Come on over, I wont lock the door this time.
|
|
#
?
Dec 18, 2014 23:07
|
|
|
Set fire to their house. When their life is in danger "rescue" them. If you do this correctly, they should wait for you even while you're serving a sentence for arson and attempted murder. Love cam weather any storm. Very few states still allow "conjugal visits" in their prison system. So maybe suggest moving to one of them before you ignite the fires of your romance? If they're curious, just allude that it's some terrific surprise. This should pique their interest. Otherwise you may have to extend your sex segue for quite a few years. Set fire to your bedding and toilet paper, although out of courtesy you should do this while your cellmates are out. When the corrections officer(s) shows up, shiv them with a shank. Lead a daring escape under cover of prison riot. When you finally make it to your sweetheart's house, you'll have quite an impressive and romantic tale to woo them with. Alternately, just serve your term mining silver and never return to that craphole Markarth again. Everyone has heard that old chestnut "how about you and I get out of these wet clothes" when someone has tried picking them up in a bar. (Check just to be certain, as this is a much simpler way to gain someone's interest in sex.) But you know what's fresh and new? Lighting yourself and them on fire. "Hey, hot stuff. How about you and I get out of these burning clothes and into a sexy bath? Maybe I can anoint your burns with salve and we'll see where that takes us?" Pure gold.
|
|
#
?
Dec 18, 2014 23:11
|
|
|
here's some money
|
|
#
?
Dec 18, 2014 23:11
|
|
|
I found a collection of old pick-up lines and bar witticisms in my grandfather's personal effects. I guess you could get them with packs of cigarettes back in the day? Whatever the source, I am going to try using these things now. Kitsch and hipster crap are big right now. Join a forums crew. My sources on the inside assure me that all the hot bodies are in crews right now. Even if you are new to the sex scene, assure potential partners of your knowledge and skills by informing them of various sex acts you have witnessed on the internet and in films, and that you practice pleasuring yourself regularly with a near-perfect success rate. Try sneaking into an orgy. If it involves alcohol, your chances of slipping into sex are even greater.
|
|
#
?
Dec 18, 2014 23:23
|
|
|
Start a fight and escalate it until she's so mad she has murder in her eyes and then kiss her. It worked for me (once).
|
|
#
?
Dec 18, 2014 23:24
|
|
|
dog buttz posted:Start a fight and escalate it until she's so mad she has murder in her eyes and then kiss her. It worked for me (once). That's hot.
|
|
#
?
Dec 18, 2014 23:27
|
|
|
Release animal mating pheromones into a furry convention to work the attendees up into a sexual frenzy (given furries' sexually conservative nature, it might take a very high concentration of the gas to arouse them). Just make sure you don't get the cylinders of gas mixed up! The next time you and your team link up your SABRES to form Megasaber Z, offer to form the penis. The Opal of Heaven was split into seven shards during the Eternity Wars. Each shard was sent to a distant corner of the earth, and guardians were appointed to watch over the shards until such time as the Opal's power would be needed again. Ages passed and the guardians became corrupted by the power of the shards, and the lands over which they ruled became twisted by evil magic. These are dark times, but they are not without hope; the legends tell of a Hero of Light, who will one day come to defeat the guardians and unite the shards, bringing joy and happiness to the world once again! If you can successfully pass yourself off as this guy, you'll probably be able to get a lot of sex out of it. Wear clothes with an inverse color scheme from your usual outfit and claim to be your own opposite-universe duplicate. People who would normally be averse to having sex with you might reconsider if they think they're talking to someone who is everything you're not. You know what they say about guys with big feet  (they say they have correspondingly big penises is what they say). Wear clown shoes to invoke this stereotype.Don't put all your eggs in one basket. This way, even if you drop one of your baskets, you will still have a few eggs to trade for sex. Find your creator and force him to build a bride for you.
|
|
#
?
Dec 19, 2014 02:11
|
|
|
Wolves mate for life. Tell her about your wolfsona so she knows you're not afraid of commitment.
|
|
#
?
Dec 19, 2014 02:57
|
|
|
Forget move Video games and teach yourself HM09: Sex.
|
|
#
?
Dec 19, 2014 20:47
|
|
|
If there is some kind of disaster such as a nuclear exchange between Russia and the United States, or the Rapture, or the fabled zombie apocalypse depicted in films, then your chances of being selected for sex statistically go up if you survive. Train to survive various "doomsday" scenarios like you're in an elite Pentagon program for crazy people. Then, hope that the world almost ends. This is a much better investment of time and resources than learning people skills and visiting places normal people go to. Did you see "Blast from the Past"? Imagine if instead of being trapped in a bomb shelter with your white bread parents you were trapped in a bomb shelter with someone you found to be an attractive sex partner. Actually, I guess this scenario should be more like a R-rated "Matinee" which was also an unpopular film. What I'm saying is, you need to get a bomb shelter or a hot neighbor with one. Buy a shelter! It's like a recipe for romance or possibly killing each other. Convince someone they can have sex with you ironically. Go to Kinko's (Sir Speedy, Fed-Ex Office, wherever). Go to an extreme coupon group. Someone is bound to be compulsive enough to redeem your "free sex" coupon. Pro-level: "2 free sex with purchase of sex".
|
|
#
?
Dec 20, 2014 08:47
|
|
|
anyone say rape? rape
|
|
#
?
Dec 20, 2014 09:53
|
|
|
Go to Kinko's and have posters printed up of your dick. Put little strips on the bottom of your poster with your number on them and put the posters up all over town. Even if you don't get anyone to call you for sex maybe you'll finally find a drummer for your band. Are you a Japanese high school girl? Visit an octopus garden. Spend two centuries upgrading your body until, on your deathbed, the Supreme Court recognizes that you are no longer a virgin even though you've never had sex. Travel to another planet and assume a form pleasing to the natives there. Sometimes dames just need to be shown who's boss. Rough her up a little, see? That frail will come around. Go to Australia and be an American male. You will actually be in physical danger of dying from too much sex.
|
|
#
?
Dec 20, 2014 17:31
|
|
|
Applewhite posted:Spend two centuries upgrading your body until, on your deathbed, the Supreme Court recognizes that you are no longer a virgin even though you've never had sex. Lose your genitals in a motorcycle accident. Get donor genitals from a death row convict or baboon who had lots of sex. Sexual triumph of medical science!
|
|
#
?
Dec 20, 2014 18:23
|
|
|
Free them from an evil sorceress' enchantment. You'll lose your unicorn companion, but you'll also lose your virginity. If short-term commitments are your thing, maybe be a US marine? Although people want to have sex with the Marines, significantly fewer people want to stay with them. The downside is that you may have to enlist for eight or so years for your commitment-free sex ticket. Don't try to rescue your gundam wingman from the secure government facility where she is kept. I know you've been partners for years and it seems like she could really use a break from fighting evil monsters/aliens/gundams but I'm telling you that it's not worth wreaking havoc and losing your pilot's license. After the dust settles and you open her control isolation pod you'll find out she was a twelve-year-old girl this whole time. Also, that she is dying from some disease and only being in perfect isolation was keeping her alive. Instead of rescuing your tough lady it will be more like killing your kid sister. Stick to just being buddies and no one gets hurt, okay? Drugging people who are alone and don't have any friends with them seems to work in novels and movies. But be careful because chances are you're most likely to just drug yourself, you sad loner. Actually, wait- That could still work. Tarantulas. No pet is more of a sex-magnet than a tarantula and you should definitely own one and let it crawl all over you. People will subconsciously be unable to resist comparing a large arachnid with their hand moving over your body's tender skin and biting you, injecting you with their painful venom.
|
|
#
?
Dec 20, 2014 18:39
|
|
|
Even if you remember the Song of Sex from a previous playthrough, you still can't use it until you "learn" it from the pixie hanging around outside the Ice Temple. Cryogenically freeze yourself and awaken in a future where society has become cold and sterile. Human relationships are distant and fleeting and all reproduction is handled by the anonymous mixture of DNA in exo-wombs. Your hotheaded "primitive" ways will intrigue the inhabitants of this bleak future and you will be at the forefront of a new sexual revolution. Young Ceti Eels enter through the ears and wrap themselves around the cerebral cortex, this has the effect of rendering the victim extremely... susceptible to um... suggestion. Later as they... grow... there follows madness and death. You should be able to get in a lot of sex before that happens, though. Play "Simon Says" with her and have one of your commands be "Simon says have sex with me."
|
|
#
?
Dec 20, 2014 21:57
|
|
|
Applewhite posted:Go to Australia and be an American male. You will actually be in physical danger of dying from too much sex. this but the inverse
|
|
#
?
Dec 21, 2014 07:30
|
|
|
krampster2 posted:this but the inverse If you mean be an Australian woman and come to America, yes. Not sure it works as well for Aussie males. I think what the attraction is the thrill of the exotic without the annoyance of a foreign language. Also, the Aussie accent makes them sound a bit drunk. Lots of people are attracted to women who are just a bit drunk, so this might be a case of confusion (with benign effects).
|
|
#
?
Dec 21, 2014 19:12
|
|
|
Look her in the eye while chugging a whole gallon of egg nog. She will be so impressed that sex is a given (just make sure she is on top otherwise you will probably throw up all over her).
|
|
#
?
Dec 21, 2014 19:32
|
|
|
A woman needs to feel reassured that a man can feed and provide for her. Thus, I always let women pick out donut crumbs from my beard and eat them.
|
|
#
?
Dec 21, 2014 19:39
|
|
GAY 4 ORGANS
|
at a party: Just play a bunch of Key & Peele sketches on your iPad until a woman approaches you
|
|
#
?
Dec 21, 2014 19:43
|
|
|
Get together with someone you find attractive but can barely stand; they should feel the same about you. By coincidence, each touch the idol while saying "I wish you could see things from my perspective!" Then shout "jinx" - by the laws of jinx you can demand they have sex with you.
|
|
#
?
Dec 21, 2014 21:31
|
|
|
Suicide Sam E. posted:If you mean be an Australian woman and come to America, yes. Not sure it works as well for Aussie males. Nah I mean Aussie guys because we are masculine like real men. Also chicks dig dangerous dudes and there isn't anything more dangerous than living in the Australian outback. Furthermore Californian bimbos are gullible and you just have to tell them "yeah I wrestle crocs and fight kangaroos" and they'll be on your dick in no time.
|
|
#
?
Dec 22, 2014 03:53
|
|
|
im stunned
|
|
#
?
Dec 22, 2014 04:03
|
|
|
I always had an easier time just asking girls if they want to make out. Directly asking for sex for whatever reason made me feel shy, so I had to trick them. Making out is pretty easy to convince a girl to do also if she's willing to go on a date. After I brought them in to "meet my dog" and started making out I just touched their boobs/butts and tried the old cooter petting drill. If that was allowed, you are getting laid. If denied, loving get out of my awesome studio apartment right now.
|
|
#
?
Dec 22, 2014 04:23
|
|
|
Ask him if he is the Keymaster.
|
|
#
?
Dec 22, 2014 06:22
|
|
|
Ask if they have seen (anime). If they answer 'yes' you will know you have similar interests. Ask if they have seen it in the original Japanese. If they have, then ask if they've seen it unedited in the original Japanese as it was meant to be seen. If they keep answering in the affirmative, just put it on anyway - neither one of you is going to be watching it except for when the best parts come up. Okay, so you've rolled a 20 and got them to your dorm room. But that's just an opportunity. You have to now "confirm the crit" and still roll high enough to hit their armor class. You might end up just hitting on them instead of dealing a critical blow. Use your luckiest die.
|
|
#
?
Dec 22, 2014 10:08
|
|
|
Make having sex with you an Xbox achievement. Hardcore completionists will be compelled to have sex with you, and even go to great lengths to do so. Plant yourself in front of the city gates and allow no one to pass unless they correctly answer your riddle: "What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon and three legs in the evening?" The correct answer is a description of all the sex acts you will perform and then performing them. Offer a two for one sex deal. No one can resist a bargain.
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2014 20:39
|
|
|
Be attractive and at least moderately successful and interesting to be around. Then rape.
|
|
#
?
Dec 30, 2014 21:31
|
|
|
Tell them that you can protect them from Slender Man. Since you are a goon, you have original knowledge of Slender Man and Photoshop threads and not just a bunch of confusing, contradictory creepypasta rattling around in your head. Tell them you can protect them from Starving Girl. Between protecting them from Slender Man or Starving Girl you have a 50% chance of looking very protective and desirable for a mate. Caution: Do not claim you can protect them from Slender Man and Starving Girl as this guarantees 100% chance of failure. Alternately, tell them you are (depending on girth and desired gender) Slender Man or Starving Girl. They will think you're supernatural and amazing and try to avoid your ire while they unravel the mysterious secret behind your origins. The hundreds of horror movies I've watched cannot be wrong - people are hopeless before the intrigue of a mystery. Even if their life is in peril, if the peril is not immediate for the time being they will find themselves drawn to discover more about your dark past. (Although you may be in trouble if they read through your post history.) If you cannot protect them or pull off being supernatural, tell them you know Slender Man or Starving Girl. For some people, particularly those with whom goons might have a chance, two degrees of separation is close enough to seal the deal.
|
|
#
?
Jan 8, 2015 18:55
|
|
|
post a selfie and when somebody mentions you left the Mensa Bulletin on your bathroom counter be all "oh my parents bought me that it's no big deal lol" gets em wet as hell
|
|
#
?
Jan 8, 2015 18:57
|
|
|
Break the seal on the forbidden book. Speak the words written there three times before the cock crows. Answer your phone "moshi moshi." Girls will think you're quirky and also wise in the ways of the East (the sex ways). Dress up like a member of the opposite sex and go among them. Learn their ways, earn their trust.
|
|
#
?
Jan 8, 2015 19:25
|
|
|
Lower your standards and have lots of weird freaky sex with gross people
|
|
#
?
Jan 8, 2015 22:52
|
|
|
Applewhite posted:Dress up like a member of the opposite sex and go among them. Learn their ways, earn their trust. Confirmed. "Tootsie" taught the world that the best means to get what you want in life is duplicity and faking a gender. Also, "White Chicks" is pretty much on the same level. Stottie Kyek posted:Lower your standards and have lots of weird freaky sex with gross people I have heard talk another Goon Con was in the works. Someone's sure to get with someone else, if only because both of them are pressured into the situation and they both have terrible self esteem. This could be you, lucky goon(ette)!
|
|
#
?
Jan 9, 2015 03:29
|
|
|
Become a big wheel on twitter then take advantage of one of your naïve followers. Disguise yourself as a big wheel of cheese. The Swiss can't resist having sex with cheese (that's where the holes in Swiss cheese really come from). Ride around town on an adult-size bigwheel. If you own it, you will come off as super confident instead of silly and confidence is very attractive. Be super nice to her. Bide your time. Once she breaks up with her wealthy, sexy bf, she will need a shoulder to cry on. That's when you make your move.
|
|
#
?
Jan 13, 2015 20:36
|
|
|
"lets just clear the air here: I'm a virgin"
|
|
#
?
Jan 13, 2015 20:39
|
|
|
Whisk your beloved away to a magical life in the circus. Some people may call this kidnapping, but others are more understanding. Like carny folk.
|
|
#
?
Jan 14, 2015 02:54
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 26, 2024 20:32 |
|
|
Keep giving them free food on the sly. If you get caught and fired you can probably find another fast food job easily. And if they show up there as well, it was meant to be. (Although they might also just like receiving free food - hedge your bets and keep giving it to them just in case. Don't ruin a good thing by over-thinking it.) Watch television, or if you're too hip to own a "TV" just read about a program on an internet website. For reasons unknowable, attractive people like discussing TV that they watched. Do not bring up internet videos you saw. Discussing the internet is a middle-relationship thing to do after you both have stopped caring. Tell your potential sexual partner about your rank in the Posting Gloryhole. If they don't know what that is (they won't) wink, and tell them you'll explain all about it tonight.
|
|
#
?
Jan 17, 2015 00:33
|
|