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Attitude Indicator
Apr 3, 2009

The Doctor Donald Duck

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JediTalentAgent
Jun 5, 2005
Hey, look. Look, if- if you screw me on this, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, you rat bastard!
Louvres and Wishes

France is being terrorized by Genies!

The Doctor and his companion find an alien prison which looks like an ancient oil lamp has been procured by the Louvre. The Doctor explains that the 'djinn' prisoners inside the lamp can only gain their freedom in short bursts by answering requests within their power for them perform until after enough requests they are finally set free. Starting to use their powers to grant horrible wishes to people, the Doctor and Clara investigate a solution to the problem.

Their former guard, a djinn whose power was tied into keeping a duo of powerful Djinn criminals locked in the lamp is dying, he warns the doctor they are too dangerous to be allowed loose on the Earth. He dies explaining to the Doctor the limits of their abilites and the rules they must follow. With each Djinn each already being close to having enough requests to gain their freedom, wrecking havok and gaining power, the Doctor is trapped with them and realizes that he can't contain force them to return to the lamps with a final wish.

In a final bid to end it, the Doctor makes the wish, "I wish for you to nothing but count every grain of sand on the planet, BY HAND, NON-STOP, EXACTLY until you die or the end of time and if you lose count, you start over from scratch. As for YOU: I wish for you to nothing but accompany him to randomly shout numbers and personally harass him NON-STOP to distract him until he's done, until you die or the end of time!"

Horrified, the pair watches as the lamp collapses into nothingness as one starts shouting "11ty-seven! 58906! 111! Pi!" and shoving the other around, while the other slowly walks across the room and picks up a loose grain of sand on the pedestal that held the lamp and quietly goes, "...one."

From behind, the other Djinn rushes up, smacks the grain of sand out of his hand, whispering. "1417!"

"One... Two... That's all I see... No... Three. Four..."
"4568910! 6. 7. 7. 8. 2. 3. 4. 5! 6?" Smacking him around again.
"I was at four!"
"Are you sure? Imagine how horrible it will be to spend 1 million years at this to be off by ONE number and need to start over again...
"One... Two..."

The Doctor smiles as he and Clara depart, making a joke that they may be free of the lamp, but he's given them a prison that was far, far worse.

theflyingorc
Jun 28, 2008

ANY GOOD OPINIONS THIS POSTER CLAIMS TO HAVE ARE JUST PROOF THAT BULLYING WORKS
Young Orc
Sherlock Wholmes

The Doctor and Carla go to meet Arthur Conan Doyle. As soon as they arrive, he appears to have been murdered! "This doesn't make sense", says the Doctor, because he knows that Doyle still hasn't written many of his famous novels.

The Doctor wears a deerstalker hat because Clara finds one and peer pressures him to wear it, he makes multiple disparaging remarks about it and keeps saying how he hates hats.

In the process of solving the murder, the Doctor becomes the chief suspect, and is imprisoned by a police chief who goes out of his way to not listen to anything the doctor says. When they get to trial, The Doctor sees that the prosecutor is named MORIARTY! The prosecutor makes several comments that let the Doctor know that he is The Master, and this is all a clever trap, because Clara's bracelet that her boyfriend found gave her the idea to go see Arthur Conan Doyle, even though this is stupid.

The Doctor, realizing that Doyle must still be alive to write his books, yells at Clara to find out where he has been hidden away, as only that can prove his innocence. Clara must once again team up with those goddamn Victorian Lizard Lesbians to solve the case, although the only thing they do is inspire confidence in Clara and throw the Doctor his screwdriver so he can free himself at an important moment. The Master gets away, but the police chief says he's sure they'll get their man, sorry for all that old chap.

The episode ends with them saying goodbye as they are getting into the TARDIS, with Doyle remarking that he must begin writing about this adventure. The episode ends with Clara saying goodbye to lizard lesbian, who says something like "The doctor cannot be trusted, but he can be depended upon", followed by Clara staring at the open door of the TARDIS with a slightly worried face.

The Walking Dad
Dec 31, 2012
Daimyo Christ er...: The Doctor finds himself on a Portuguese trading vessel bound for Japan during the warring states period. A missionary on board insists that it is his duty to convert Japan in the name of Christianity. The doctor, wanting to show the priest the error of his ways, goes back in time to Jerusalem and rescues Christ from the cross.

Christ and the Jesuit speak via the doctor's universal translator. It turns out that Christ is actually himself a time traveling otaku, and that he and the Apostles have dedicated their lives to maintaining the timeline in which the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki occurs, and the perpetual humiliation of the japanese people to ensure that Otaku culture survives. In a conversation with the Emperor in the heart of Kyoto, Christ admits that Mary Magdalene was in fact a body pillow in the likeness of a character in the Touhou franchise.

The Walking Dad fucked around with this message at 00:30 on Nov 25, 2014

gnarlyhotep
Sep 30, 2008

by Lowtax
Oven Wrangler

The Walking Dad posted:

It turns out that Christ is actually himself a time traveling otaku, and that he and the Apostles have dedicated their lives to maintaining the timeline in which the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki occurs, and the perpetual humiliation of the japanese people to ensure that Otaku culture survives. In a conversation with the Emperor in the heart of Kyoto, Christ admits that Mary Magdalene was in fact a body pillow in the likeness of a character in the Touhou franchise.

drat son :golfclap:

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost

theflyingorc posted:

Hey, uh

you aren't getting enough credit for this one, because there is absolutely nothing about this description that doesn't sound like a real episode of the show in every way, the only thing missing is they'd encounter 2-3 people who were already in the house and were slowly going mad, and those people would be killed by some sort of monster

You're right. The "monsters" would be former humans whose bodies have become a reflection of their twisted minds.

Ghaz posted:

to applewhite: please make episodes out of these

heart of bark-ness

the prince and the pup-per

yo quiero taco Hell


Heart of Barkness: The Doctor takes Clara to visit "the most beautiful poppy field in the universe" but when they land, The Doctor is frustrated to learn they've arrived a few decades too early, at a time when the field is a pockmarked battlefield. Clara teases The Doctor about "how beautiful the poppies are" but her levity is cut short when the pair are suddenly ordered to freeze and put their hands in the air by a mechanical voice. They comply and soon find themselves surrounded... by dogs!? Dogs of various breeds wearing little soldier costumes and with guns cybernetically grafted to their shoulders pop out of hiding and take up tactical positions all around them. A rottweiler with a beret steps forward and informs the pair that they are now in the custody of the 501st K-9 Corps (Motto: cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!).
The Doctor and Clara are escorted back to HQ, where they meet the dogs' human handlers and learn that in this future era, most warfare is conducted by uplifted dogs who have been cybernetically enhanced to have the intelligence of humans and carry weapons. As natural pack hunters, the dogs make efficient and obedient soldiers, and they are going a long way toward winning this war. There's been a snag, however. The smartest, most ruthless Alpha dog in the regiment, appropriately named "Caesar," has gone completely off the reservation. He was sent to liberate a nearby village, but when the human handlers came to take over its administration, they were repelled by Caesar's forces! The Doctor offers to help bring Caesar back, but he's "doing it for Caesar, not you lot."
The Doctor and Clara allow themselves to be captured by Caesar's rebel pack and are taken to the village. Caesar is an impressive German Shepherd with an eyepatch. He informs them that he's had enough of following human orders and he intends for this village to be the first step in the creation of the first Canine Empire because it's about time "every dog had its day."
The Doctor manages to defuse the situation by reminding Caesar and the other dogs what it's like to have fun and be loved. They shed their accoutrements of war and revert to being man's best friend again.
The village is saved, but the handlers are very cross because their entire regiment of dogs is now useless for warfare.

The Prince and the Pup-per: The Doctor and Clara decide to check in on how the free dogs from Heart of Barkness are doing, and arrive in a time when the intelligent canines have set up a thriving civilization. The Doctor is revered as a hero and there is a huge statue of him in the city park (their tour guide assures him that the dogs peeing at the base are showing their respect).
However, the dogs take their hero worship too far when they kidnap the pair and transform The Doctor into a dog! Clara was to be transformed as well, but manages to escape with The Doctor now a golden retriever with Peter Capaldi's voice. He's very cranky and wants to be turned back, but the only dog with the power to order it so is the Prince. Chased by fearsome dog guards with shoulder mounted lasers, they manage to infiltrate the palace and meet the Prince. The Prince refuses to have The Doctor turned back so The Doctor takes drastic action: he urinates on the throne! By marking the throne as his territory, he becomes ruler of the dogs and orders himself restored. The Doctor and Clara depart, leaving a humbled prince behind.

Yo Quiero Taco Hell: Have you ever said your job was Hell? Well, when Biffo Spugs and Tam Winston say it, they mean it literally!
Hell-World that is, the galaxy's premiere damnation-themed fun park. Biffo and Tam work at "Taco Hell," a food kiosk somewhere on Hell world. It's just a boring summer job until the park animatronics go wrong and start attacking people! The pair narrowly escape being skewered by a capering Mephistopheles when they are saved by The Doctor and Clara.
It turns out Hell-World pulls double duty as a prison complex, where the condemned have their brains removed and placed in the animatronic figures of the damned to be poked and boiled alive for eternity while the patrons watch and laugh (from a safe distance of course). Because, as The Doctor observes, "That's what Heaven and Hell are all about, innit? You Righteous enjoying your comfy spot up in the clouds, pointing and laughing at everyone who was ever mean or unpleasant to you spending an eternity getting tormented. Only you lot got impatient and decided you didn't want to wait until after you died to receive your reward."
It turns out the AI running the park has passed judgement on all the park attendees and decided everyone belongs in hell. The Doctor and Clara fight their way through various imps and demons until they reach the computer's central core where The Doctor declares the park's creators left something out when they were programming the AI: forgiveness.
The Doctor hooks himself up to the machine (the human/machine interface resembles being crucified), and his forgiveness is big enough to encompass everyone. The Park AI releases all the souls trapped in hell, restoring their human bodies before shutting down forever.

Applewhite fucked around with this message at 04:44 on Nov 25, 2014

gnarlyhotep
Sep 30, 2008

by Lowtax
Oven Wrangler

Applewhite posted:

Yo Quiero Taco Hell: Have you ever said your job was Hell? Well, when Biffo Spugs and Tam Winston say it, they mean it literally!
Hell-World that is, the galaxy's premiere damnation-themed fun park. Biffo and Tam work at "Taco Hell," a food kiosk somewhere on Hell world. It's just a boring summer job until the park animatronics go wrong and start attacking people! The pair narrowly escape being skewered by a capering Mephistopheles when they are saved by The Doctor and Clara.
It turns out Hell-World pulls double duty as a prison complex, where the condemned have their brains removed and placed in the animatronic figures of the damned to be poked and boiled alive for eternity while the patrons watch and laugh (from a safe distance of course). Because, as The Doctor observes, "That's what Heaven and Hell are all about, innit? You Righteous enjoying your comfy spot up in the clouds, pointing and laughing at everyone who was ever mean or unpleasant to you spending an eternity getting tormented. Only you lot got impatient and decided you didn't want to wait until after you died to receive your reward."
It turns out the AI running the park has passed judgement on all the park attendees and decided everyone belongs in hell. The Doctor and Clara fight their way through various imps and demons until they reach the computer's central core where The Doctor declares the park's creator left something out when they were programming the AI: forgiveness.
The Doctor hooks himself up to the machine (the human/machine interface resembles being crucified), and his forgiveness is big enough to encompass everyone. The Park AI releases all the souls trapped in hell, restoring their human bodies before shutting down forever.

this could double as a Futurama episode

theflyingorc
Jun 28, 2008

ANY GOOD OPINIONS THIS POSTER CLAIMS TO HAVE ARE JUST PROOF THAT BULLYING WORKS
Young Orc

gnarlyhotep posted:

this could double as a Futurama episode

it reminds me a lot of a Rick and Morty episode, actually

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost

FordPRefectLL posted:

The Last Golden Graham

I'll get back to Ghaz's other two in a bit, but I wanted to do this one since I already had it on my mind.

The Last Golden Graham: The Doctor and Clara receive a distress signal from Eric Idle. It turns out that when they shut down the golden Graham Chapmans in Golden Grahams they missed one! The rogue robot is acting out its final order to reunite the Python cast, reviving Idle's murdered castmates as Frankenstein Monster-esque abominations! The Pythons are naturally put out at being undead, but still manage to make a few pithy remarks. The undead comedians are being held hostage by the last Golden Graham, who has set its sights on acquiring Idle to make the cast reunion complete. The Doctor, Clara and Idle break The Pythons out of captivity, but when the group stops running long enough to take a breath, they realize Idle somehow got left behind!
After some comedic bickering over whose fault it was, the group breaks back into the Chapman-bot's hideout and disable the rogue robot for good. Unfortunately they arrived too late: a Frankenstein-ized Eric Idle waves sheepishly at them from the operating table. The Doctor apologizes for his failure but Idle and the other Pythons are surprisingly upbeat; being dead has given them a new perspective on life and the episode concludes with a montage of photos of the Pythons' reunion tour, including a funny shot of a dog running off with Michael Palin's head, and one of Cleese's legs flying off into the audience during the "Silly Walk" skit.

gnarlyhotep
Sep 30, 2008

by Lowtax
Oven Wrangler

Applewhite posted:

the episode concludes with a montage of photos of the Pythons' reunion tour, including a funny shot of a dog running off with Michael Palin's head, and one of Cleese's legs flying off into the audience during the "Silly Walk" skit.

lmao awesome

Ellie Crabcakes
Feb 1, 2008

Stop emailing my boyfriend Gay Crungus

Angels in America

While thwarting the latest sinister machinations of the Weeping Angels in 1980s New York, Clara and The Doctor happen upon old ally Captain Jack Harkness, who has unwittingly given everyone the AIDS.

Sneaky Fast
Apr 24, 2013

When they show up at his posh flat, they are greeted by Moffat who seems just a bit... off. He uses odd phrases and moves in jerky, robot like motions. He also makes audible "servo" noises when he moves. When he opens his mouth too wide and blue light starts shooting out the Doctor knows something is up and shuts the android down with his sonic screwdriver.

Dude you loving nailed this. Every third episode has this sequence

Edit: Applewhite. Brother, your write ups are sublime. I still on the second page and there have been at least 4 i wanted to empty quote

Sneaky Fast fucked around with this message at 04:15 on Nov 25, 2014

glowing-fish
Feb 18, 2013

Keep grinding,
I hope you level up! :)
I hope this becomes a Front Page article.

The Walking Dad
Dec 31, 2012
Sybian Railroad: Former soviet scientist Sergei Rantinov was a top theoretician in quantum theory before the fall of the bolshevik republics. Now a cab driver in Manhattan he lives a quiet life. That is until a race of hyper-dimensional dominatrices decided to whip the entire universe into shape! Catch? They derive their mind controlling powers only by reaching orgasm! Catch? No sex toy can possibly please them in all dimensions at once!

Can the doctor stop the hijacked Siberian railroad locomotive before the dominatrices reunite Professor Rantinov with his now abandoned lab, or will all of mankind be held in thrall by multi-dimensional hysteria?

chaosbreather
Dec 9, 2001

Wry and wise,
but also very sexual.

The Time Lords of Earth: The Doctor cuts himself and uses some medical equipment to fix it, but realises that his DNA is actually almost exactly human DNA, despite the fact that he has encountered both types of DNA multiple times previously. He comes to the realisation, along with Clara who interjects excitedly like the punctuation mark she is, that the time lords must have been evolved humans. Having completed this this revelation of enormous importance (with triumphant bombastic music), climaxing in the first ten minutes of the episode, they stand around while music plays and he says things like 'thats why time lords look like humans it all makes sense now' and 'so its not strictly beastiality for me to have sex with humans, just pedophilia'. Then since there is nothing else to do the entire episode they put on a little fashion show for each other. But, in the last five minutes of the episode, the Earth is suddenly about to be destroyed by the starfish who lives in the Sun ("Why do you think they're called starfish?") Looking at the camera, face dripping tears the doctor says "for the first time I am not just saving the Earth, I am saving my home", despite the fact that he has saved Gallifrey like a hundred times. He then uses his sonic screwdriver to instantly save the day. Or has he? The camera zooms onto the ground where someone has spilled some guacamole and sinister music plays, and an unknown character voices over: "That's when the guacamole invasion began and changed everything forever."

JediTalentAgent
Jun 5, 2005
Hey, look. Look, if- if you screw me on this, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, you rat bastard!
Black Bars

The Doctor is seeking out a man who claims to have massively important news to tell him about his future, yet every time he starts to tell him anything, the world goes black and silent. Just as this void vanishes, the Doctor sees the traces of the man vanishing into it. Continuously, the pair seek each other out.

The Doctor assumes this time/space event is the important news, but the man says it isn't. The void event isn't what he's trying to warn the Doctor about, the void is...

The man is pulled into the silent blackness once again before he can talk.

In their next confrontation, the man remains quiet, accepting he can't tell him anything about anything and the Doctor smiles and just says: "Spoilers..."

The Man is relieved. Since the Doctor was able to piece together what the void events were with absolute certainty, the man can talk to him freely about it. The void events are reality's version of spoiler tags for the universe to keep him from revealing a secret to the Doctor before he is set to learn it. However, unless the Doctor figures out what the specific secret is the man can't tell him without triggering more 'black bars' on the universe around them.

"So, the big news you're trying to give me is that I'll have some big news to look forward to and you can't actually talk to me about it, at all, until after it actually happens to me?"
"Yes."

In the end, the man and the Doctor agree that they must part ways as extensive universal use of the black bars is starting to cause disturbances in the world around them. While the man admits he's is unable to even tell the Doctor who he is or anything else, he attempts to give one final attempt before the void snatches him up for the last time.

"It's about your...!"

Fur20
Nov 14, 2007

すご▞い!
君は働か░い
フ▙▓ズなんだね!
My Hero

The Doctor tells Clara to choose someone--anyone in all of time and space--to meet. She churlishly suggests that she wants to meet the most important person in the universe, doubting the ability of the TARDIS to pinpoint one specific subject. They are entirely nonplussed when they land in present-day San Fransisco.

Stéfanos Tuffet is an averagely overweight, balding, and otherwise nondescript bay area resident. He is employed as a writer for a weekly television comedy about an illegal alien, nicknamed "El Médico" by American law enforcement, who can travel through time in his classic lowrider Impala. Strangely enough, all of his scripts as of late seem to be coming true shortly after airing! At first, it was just innocuous, but now it's really starting to intrude on his life, so this week's episode involves introducing an experienced British time traveler to help El Médico sort everything out in the hopes of an actual experienced British time traveler showing up on his doorstep to help him sort everything out in real life.

After following his script to the letter for a day, The Doctor realizes that Stéfanos is the last surviving human descendant of a great and powerful alien race that visited earth millions of years ago and bred with a proto-human. His scripts have been coming true because they're now returning to see how things have changed, and his control over space and time grows stronger the closer their hivemind gets to the blue planet. Unfortunately, The Doctor also reveals that this is a vengeful and extremely traditionalist race and they expect the earth to be unchanged from the way it was when they left it... and if it isn't, they'll vaporize the entire planet. To make things worse, the entire season has already been filmed!

Stéfanos uses his considerable clout at the television syndicate to get them to film and broadcast a very special episode in which El Médico accidentally activates his car's nitrous oxide system while in reverse, bringing the past into the present for just one day--and just long enough for the aliens to see that the earth remains pristine, unchanged and, strangely, still unaffected by continental drift after millions of years.

The public receives this new episode with universal critical acclaim. Stéfanos is declared a national hero and becomes president for life, and all of mankind agrees to recognize him as the most important person in the universe for the rest of time. The Doctor shakes his head and mutters something about how he just can't understand those crazy Americans. Clara nods sagely, but can't shake the feeling that the special episode of El Médico ended with the public loving the episode and electing Stéfanos president while completely forgetting that the episode ended in such a manner. She rolls her eyes. Only a crazy person would think something like that.

Fur20 fucked around with this message at 07:15 on Nov 25, 2014

IronClaymore
Jun 30, 2010

by Athanatos

Top City Homo posted:

Cars on Mars

I know Applewhite already did this one, so I have something with a similar title:

Of Mars and Reasonably Priced Cars

In this crossover episode, the Doctor (with no companion) is chasing a strange cyberman across England. He never gets close enough to get a good look at him, then the strange cyberman steps into a hanger near a suspiciously familiar aerodrome. When the Doctor enters he finds it full of people, and a voice on a loudspeaker says, "Tonight's guest is an alien who has saved Earth countless times. Would you please welcome...The Doctor!" Everyone turns to him cheering and he reluctantly walks into the centre of the room, sits on a couch facing Jeremy Clarkson, and realises he has wandered into a different popular British TV show. After a few minutes of small talk, Clarkson says, "And who'd like to see the Doctor's lap?"

Suddenly the Doctor is transported into the reasonably priced car, rather than simply watching his past attempt on the TV. Surprisingly, the strange cyberman is sitting next to him, unsurprisingly it is actually the Stig. As he sets off, the car makes the TARDIS noise and vanishes, reappearing on Mars! It turns out the car was actually a TARDIS all along, and because a TARDIS needs a vague handwavey psychic connection to a timelord to function (most of the time) it hasn't activated until now. The Doctor and his new and most silent companion ever are forced to drive around Mars escaping various rockfalls and things (they're in one of those massive Martian canyons [edit: looking exactly like a very familiar old quarry with a red filter on the lens]), while Clarkson, May and Hammond attempt to construct a space/time beacon for the CAR-DIS to lock on to so it can return to Earth. However, as they drive around Britain looking for all the parts they are chased by a bunch of creepy Stig lookalikes driving prius's. They're forced to ram them off the road and build various gadgets to destroy them.

They finally succeed and the Doctor and Stig can return to Earth, just as all the lookalike Stigs are closing in around the Top Gear guys ready to kill them. The lookalikes vanish the moment the CARDIS arrives back. The Doctor explains they were actually weird time-loop Stigs from alternate futures that never happened. The Stig doesn't take off his helmet or anything, but the Doctor explains that he's really a type of time-sensitive alien, and the "facts" Clarkson says about him have always been the complete truth.

The Doctor makes one final trip in the CARDIS, to finish his lap and finally get a lap time, but doesn't know how to drive a manual car (or even any car at all) and keeps grinding the gear box, red-lighting the engine, stalling, and forgetting how to use the clutch, finally getting a lap time well in excess of 2 minutes. He deactivates the time and space functions, leaving the CARDIS as merely a reasonably priced car once more, and leaves the studio in disgrace for being the slowest person ever on Top Gear.

IronClaymore fucked around with this message at 08:55 on Nov 25, 2014

JediTalentAgent
Jun 5, 2005
Hey, look. Look, if- if you screw me on this, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, you rat bastard!
The Universal Constant

Anywhere you can imagine, any time you can imagine. Once a gift offered only by the Doctor to a select few, now literally every human in the universe has internalized the power once reserved only for the Tardis itself.

Meanwhile, the Tardis and the Doctor are stranded in 2017 London as the rest of the human population of all of time and space are randoming coming and going around him. People are seeing the pasts and future, things that shouldn't be happening are, and the Doctor fears that if he can't solve this puzzle soon that time is going to break down and uncreate existence.

As the weeks go on, the growingly disheveled Doctor finds that he and the Tardis have become a curiosity to the universe/eternity of time travelers. Dubbed 'The Constant Man', the singular entity in existence that remains tethered to a single linear timeline, he finds people are attracted too seeing this novelty of someone who can't leave where they're at.

He and the Tardis are gradually relocated to larger and larger venues to accommodate the growing audiences that pop in to observe him before jaunting off again.

Using Clara to go back and forth in time and space for him to attempt to help him solve the riddle by proxy, the numbers of people coming to see him gets so large that he and the Tardis eventually are moved to the Grand Canyon so the flocking visitors can get a glimpse. When Clara starts to come back and forth to see him, she has to get a 'backstage pass' to get past security that has grown to keep overzealous observers away from the 'timemark' that the Doctor has become.

The Doctor finally questions Clara why it takes her so long to get back to him? Certainly if everyone can travel through all of time and space with a degree of precision, why is she always gone from him for days or hours or weeks? She explains she doesn't know, she can 'feel' an exact time and place with any travel outside of those going to the Doctor, but when she attempts to return to him, it's like there's a bubble and she slides to a time that is more relative to the actual time she's been gone and his own.

The Doctor then gets a bombshell that crowd of people grown to surround the Grand Canyon has surged levels that have just surpassed 18 billion. At this rate, the Doctor surmises that soon there will be a moment when literally every human being that has existed or will exist in all of time and space will arrive in the here and now to see him.

Thinking about it for a while, the Doctor finally has an idea. 'The Bubble' is him, the TARDIS and its controls! He and the Tardis can't travel through time anymore, but maybe he can use the Tardis to control everyone else. He expands the Tardis and begins to quickly alter the programming to draw in everyone from every moment in time to within it. Telling Clara to hold onto his sonic, he activates the Tardis and for a second all of humanity is inside of it, then gone.

The Doctor and Clara rush out to find themselves back in 2017 London, no one time travelling at all, just as it was when this whole mess started. Clara is confused, but the Doctor explains: Once everyone from everywhere was inside the Tardis, it was able to siphon its power back from everyone and go back to where it started like it never happened. The Doctor explains that he doesn't fully understand what caused it to happen, but he knows how he fixed it: Something caused the Tardis to externalize so its power into humans, but it was acting as a beacon or a hub of some sort that was attracting everyone to it. Te figured he needed everyone back inside of it to correct the problem.

Now that the problem's solved, with only he and Clara remembering what happened over the last several months, the pair try to agree on a 'vacation' from their respective adventures. The Doctor wants to go somewhere exciting, Clara wants to stay put and do something normal. They split the difference: Clara agrees with the Doctor's request to see a movie, but the Doctor will decide what they'll see and where... and when...

Doctor Dogballs
Apr 1, 2007

driving the fuck truck from hand land to pound town without stopping at suction station


So I Married a Dalek Doctor Who's ugly english girl lab assistant gets engaged to a good looking feller. The doc gets all suspicious and stalks the feller around. Well it turns out he's a dalek in disguise. The doctor fails to convince the ugly girl that her handsome husband is secretly a dalek, until finally the wedding approaches. Unbeknownst to the doctor, during some pillow talk the feller has confessed his dalek origins to the girl, but convinced her he's a loving dalek and not out to kill anyone, other wise he would have already been killing her. While they're saying their vows, the 'doc leaps off the pew, somersaulting through the air like a chinese circus performist, towards the happy couple. He kicks the girl out of the way and rips the feller's head off. Blood spews out everywhere as his body falls to the ground. The head of course remains alive and starts to shriek the classic Dalek catchphrase, "eliminate! eliminate!" Doctor Who uses his timlord powers to grow to an enormous size and crushes the innocent, peace-loving android's head between his thumb and forefinger as if he was juicing a grape. The girl screams in horror as Doctor Who brutally murders her lover at the altar. Smash cut to black, roll credits

JediTalentAgent
Jun 5, 2005
Hey, look. Look, if- if you screw me on this, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, you rat bastard!
The Observer Effect

The Doctor and his Clara discover that whenever anything controversial is caught on video, there is always a slight goof that occurs that makes the inciting incident impossible to make out 100% who was in the wrong.

Going back in time to observe one of these events happening to get to the bottom of it, the Doctor and Clara discover a cabal of time-traveling alien provocateurs who make sure that there is always something that conveniently prevents or distracts a camera operators from capturing everything.

When confronted, the aliens explain that if EVERYTHING were caught on tape, if there was no question as to who was right and who was wrong, then it wouldn't be 'fun' because there wouldn't be endless debate and conjecture.

"Do you realize how BORING it would have been if the people filming Kennedy's assassination had been standing one foot closer to catch the other gunman on film? If someone didn't step in front of someone's camera just in time to block them from being able to see who threw the first punch between two people? If we didn't insert a corrupting EM burst while a store security camera was recording a police shootout that went bad? If not for us, do you know how many less mysteries would be out their for people to solve?!"

At first the Doctor is horrified, but then he is forced to admit that if not for them creating this current mystery, he wouldn't have had one to be excited about trying to solve. He does get them to agree to cut down a bit on the activity, because if you give people too many mysteries they can't solve then they'll get frustrated and stop trying to solve any of them at all.

Departing, one of the aliens recommends to his cohorts, "How about Florida, 2000? I've got some ideas that I think could be fun to see what happens with that don't involve cameras at all..."

Cleretic
Feb 3, 2010


Ignore my posts!
I'm aggressively wrong about everything!

JediTalentAgent posted:

The Universal Constant

This would make for a pretty good Moffat season finale.

1000 Sweaty Rikers
Oct 13, 2005

The Brown Star

The Tardis is drawn into the orbit of a 'brown star'. An eggy stench penetrates the interior, and the Doctor and Clara must find a way of fumigating the Tardis without killing themselves.

Meanwhile, a Sontaran that has been lost in the Tardis corridors since 1978's 'Invasion of Time' story is drawn to the control room by the pungent aroma...

Lincoln`s Wax
May 1, 2000
My other, other car is a centipede filled with vaginas.
Time's Dr. Arrow 2 Parter because it's so good:
Part 1
The Tardis is recalled to Earth on a priority mission pertaining to evidence of aliens on the planet 500 years ago. They are shown a cavern near BBC Headquarters in San Francisco containing relics of the 19th century, and a second, severed head of a cyberman. The Dr. finds evidence pointing to a race of shapeshifters and cellular fossils native to the planet of Devidia II. Taking the cyberman's head, the Dr. travels to the planet, and discovers a temporal disturbance on the planet. While there are no life forms visible, Clara senses the presence of suffering humans, and the Dr. realizes that the aliens are slightly out of phase with time. The Dr. notes that his timelord body has a phase discriminator that would allow him to see the aliens. The Dr., once in phase with the aliens, describes them to Clara as absorbing strands of light from a device in the center of the cavern but otherwise appear benign. However, as he observes, two aliens enter a time portal that he is drawn into; the Dr. finds himself on Earth in San Francisco in the 19th century.

The Dr. quickly recognizes he needs money to operate, and is able to win a sizable amount beating card sharks at their own game in poker. Taking residence in a local hotel, the Dr. claims to be an inventor, befriending the bell hop (who is in fact Jack London) to help in acquiring parts that will help him build a detector to find the aliens. The Dr. recognizes River Song, a long-lived human with time-lord dna in a newspaper photo, and goes to a reception she will be attending. As she is speaking with Samuel Clemens (better known by his pen name, Mark Twain, played by Jerry Hardin), the Dr. tries to ask her questions about the future believing her to have followed him back in time, but realizes that she is native to 1893 and has yet to meet him; The Dr.'s language intrigues Clemens and he begins to follow him and River around.

Meanwhile, Clara has determined how to build a similar phase discriminator to allow them to also see the aliens and go back in time to rescue the Dr. Clara activates the phase discriminator and sees the same aliens as the Dr. described, but discover that the strands of light they are consuming are human life forces, taken at the moment of death. Clara uses the Tardis to travel back to the past to put a stop to the aliens.

Part 2
Arriving in 1893, Clara quickly locates the Dr, who explains the current situation. Using the Dr's device, Clara, followed by River and Samuel Clemens, is able to follow the alien shapeshifters to the same cavern near San Francisco, where they discover that the aliens traveled to the 19th century to take advantage of a cholera outbreak, draining the life force from humans in infected areas to give the impression that their deaths were the result of an epidemic. Also there is a cyberman! In an ensuing struggle over a cane-like device used to open the portal, the cyberman's head is severed from his body and left in 1893, and River is injured. As the Dr. tends to River, Clara, carrying the cyberman's body which continues to grasp the cane device, follow one of the aliens to the future, with Clemens also following them. The Dr. learns from the other alien that should the Tardis destroy their base in the 24th century, the strength of the time shift will be amplified, potentially devastating 19th-century Earth. The Dr places a binary message using iron filings in the cyberman's static memory to leave instructions for Clara in the future.

In the 24th century, Clara reattaches the cyberman's other, 500-year old head onto his body, and discover the Dr.'s message. They decide to mount a rescue mission to save the Dr., but studies of the cane device reveal that due to instability of the portal, only one person can return. After seeing the wonders of the 24th century, Clemens offers to go back to save the Dr. Clemens returns to the cavern in the 19th century, giving the Dr. a device to operate the time portal himself, and offering to tend to River's wounds. The Dr. thanks Clemens, and explains that he wishes he could have gotten to know him better, but Clemens points out that his personality is written into his books. The Dr. returns to the future and, with information he learned from the alien, they are able to disable the aliens' time portal.

Lincoln`s Wax fucked around with this message at 14:51 on Nov 25, 2014

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost

Lincoln`s Wax posted:

Time's Dr. Arrow

This is too farfetched an idea for Doctor Who or any TV series. A good first try though.

IronClaymore
Jun 30, 2010

by Athanatos
UNITary Rendition

The Doctor finds himself helping a human on modern day Earth trying to escape mysterious military forces using alien technology. However, he keeps getting distracted by UNIT's communications, asking him to come in and help them find a dangerous traitor to humanity carrying alien tech. He compromises by going to UNIT HQ, with his new friend coming along.

However, she is immediately arrested and taken to a torture chamber, and the Doctor is given a "well done" speech by the UNIT lady, Kate Leftbridge-Stewart (L-S). Finally acknowledging the fact that UNIT operates secret torture prisons on British soil (in clear and brazen violation of both UK and UN law and basic human ethics), the show canonises that episode of Torchwood (2nd to last episode of season 2) where they outright reveal that yes, UNIT does operate secret torture prisons, on British soil. At least in Guantanamo you got a lawyer, sometimes, and a fake trial. Here you get no trial. They don't even bother moving you you Egypt or something.

The Doctor tries to reason with L-S, but to no avail. She says that the prison is necessary to protect Earth from terrorist aliens. The Doctor officially retires from UNIT (really its existence has started grate on the show as a whole) and declares war on it. He rescues his new companion, before solitary confinement has managed to corrode her soul completely, and wrecks the place with the help of the SAS. Turns out the actual British military is none too happy with the constant direct UNIT military interference, and was just waiting for an excuse. The SAS really kicks arse here, and guns down dozens of UNIT mooks with ease and utter brutality (guest starring Ross Kemp as SAS commander, yeah he's been used before gently caress it no one remembers). The Doctor then goes to the actual UN in New York, presents the evidence to them, and they officially disbar UNIT and declare it a criminal and terrorist organisation. The British Army especially turns on UNIT and guns them down where they stand, taking their equipment, and becoming a far more ethical and effective presence in their place.


Afterwards, an alien invasion tries to happen, and they're simply shot out of the sky immediately by regular professional military forces, now that UNIT no longer calls the shots.

Edit: it's part of a double episode, but the second part is un-aired (lawyers and politicians special!) - 45 minutes of the British ambassador simply reading the charges the United Kingdom lays against the Unified Intelligence Task Force. Because really, it would take at least that long.

IronClaymore fucked around with this message at 15:18 on Nov 25, 2014

IronClaymore
Jun 30, 2010

by Athanatos

Lincoln`s Wax posted:

Time's Dr. Arrow 2 Parter because it's so good:

Applewhite posted:

This is too farfetched an idea for Doctor Who or any TV series. A good first try though.

Yeah, this idea is just so...so stupid. No one would do an episode like this. Not even an American. Not even someone from the 90s.

I can guarantee you that a geek like me would not put off playing Fallout: New Vegas's OWB DLC for even a second to watch either of this two parter, or ignore the computer game and sit enraptured in front of the television watching such an obviously silly episode of a ridiculous scifi that is only a spinoff of another silly scifi anyway. Nope, no chance. Never happened. And you can't prove it happened my webcam was off anyway.

Besides, you don't even have any proof that Patrick Stewart or Whoopi Goldberg dressed up in 19th century American clothing in any TV show, so any argument you put forward is automatically irrelevant.

IronClaymore fucked around with this message at 15:49 on Nov 25, 2014

gnarlyhotep
Sep 30, 2008

by Lowtax
Oven Wrangler
congrats on your sticky thread OP! :)

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost

gnarlyhotep posted:

congrats on your sticky thread OP! :)

Thank you! :D I accept this honor with grace and humility.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost

Ghaz posted:

no such thing as free lunch

the early bird gets the...
("...time travel paradox" but thats not part of the title because it would be a spoiler)

No Such Thing as a Free Lunch The Doctor and Clara visit a planet where all products are free and everyone has whatever they want, whenever they want. Clara is happy to take advantage of the situation but The Doctor is suspicious, noting "if you're not paying for a product... you are the product." Sure enough, the planet is a stockyard where the local humans are being fattened up for aliens to eat. The Doctor finds the proof and reveals it to everyone, but it turns out everyone already knew! They are willing participants in the operation, walking placidly into the abattoir when their number is called. The Doctor is flummoxed, but determined to save the humans from themselves. He is able to shut the whole thing down on a technicality when it turns out that humans don't conform to the aliens' equivalent of "Kosher."

The Early Bird Gets the... A marathon runner is shown in the final stretch of the race. He is ahead of the pack, and the crowd on either side of the street is cheering him on. He puts on an extra burst of speed and breaks the finish line tape! Zoom out to reveal all the crowds are gone and the street is abandoned except for a handful of confused looking volunteers are staring at him, frozen in the act of setting up for tomorrow's big marathon! Elsewhere, a couple arrive at a restaurant, bickering over being more than fifteen minutes late for their reservation but discover they are over an hour early!
All over the world, people are arriving at places before they leave, and finishing jobs only to find them not yet begun.
The Doctor investigates and it turns out that "time has begun to run backwards, causality is reversed! Now, instead of turning a key to start your motor, you turn your key because your motor started! You trip because you fell down!" If things keep going like this, the whole population of the Earth will end up unborn in a matter of days. Throughout the episode, The Doctor and Clara encounter a ghostly cosmonaut who appears to be moving backwards. He is trying to deliver a message, but they are getting it back to front and it's structured in such a way that it doesn't make sense without the first word.
It turns out the cosmonaut was part of a Russian FTL experiment that didn't make use of hyperspace or any other workarounds to the Theory of Relativity. They successfully broke the lightspeed barrier but also violated causality in the process (thus breaking causality for all of local spacetime). Since effects now precede causes, it's a simple matter for The Doctor reproduces an effect that could only be caused by the failure of the Russian experiment (he gets the cosmonaut to write a letter to his wife, apologizing for being a failure), thus undoing the Russian experiment before it starts.

JediTalentAgent
Jun 5, 2005
Hey, look. Look, if- if you screw me on this, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, you rat bastard!
Creative Riding (Holiday Special)

The Doctor is really, really bored without having a companion all the time since Clara has left, so he begins picking up 'hitchhikers' and giving 'lifts' to strangers who would otherwise be late getting home on Christmas Eve to fill the void around the Holidays by lodging the Tardis inside the door of an old bus and driving it around from the inside like a video game.

A scared and lost young boy named Alan who missed the last bus home, an unhappy divorced mother named Jo trying to get home to her child, a sickly WWI vet named Johnny returning home after the war and a socially awkward and shy young teenager named Neil.

While The Doctor plans to drop them off rather quickly, a series of unexpected events result in the quartet being caught up in a adventure involving otherworldly forces with the Doctor featuring monsters and mythology that the Doctor at times mockingly compares to various fantasy stories that are all too familiar to him but that 'you people haven't read yet'.

Finally done, all their challenges complete, the group is better for having had the experience and consider the adventures they had to be the best Christmas gifts they've had in a long time. The Doctor drops each one off at their doors, in their respective time and places, right where they were supposed to be, right on time.

As the episode closes out, the still sort of unhappy Doctor who feels unfulfilled whistfully is set to depart in the Tardis while we see a montage of the homes of the various people he's picked up clues to their real identities: JRR Tolkien, Alan Moore, Neil Gaiman and JK Rowling.

(edit: If need be, we can replace Neil or Alan with Grant Morrison.)

JediTalentAgent fucked around with this message at 18:33 on Nov 25, 2014

gnarlyhotep
Sep 30, 2008

by Lowtax
Oven Wrangler
man you guys should be writing for the show, for real

but then the producers probably wouldn't like it because it would make the show actually entertainign

turn it up TURN ME ON
Mar 19, 2012

In the Grim Darkness of the Future, there is only war.

...and delicious ice cream.
Doctor Whom? It's the 2000s again and The Doctor and Clara are visiting some of the best sites and sounds of the decade past. They visit the Athens Olympics, watch while the first humans inhabit the International Space Station (The Doctor says, "You're taking your first steps into the great unknown.") and... find the most popular book of the decade to be "Doctor Whom", which closely resembles the Doctor's own adventures over the past decade. While The Doctor gets some help in sorting this out from an unlikely source (special appearance by J K Rowling), Clara makes the mistake of mentioning the economic crash. When no one seems worried about it, The Doctor is able to determine that they are themselves in a pocket universe created by a powerful being's imagination. After repairing the Tardis' cross-dimensional drive, they escape into the real world.

The Forgotten War The Doctor and Clara find themselves landing in the middle of a massive battle during the Korean War. After a harrowing escape from gunfire, the Doctor finds himself in the UN's command tent... where he meets a Dalek impersonating the commanding officer! A narrow escape from the Dalek sees the Doctor and Clara captured by North Koreans, who reveal their ultimate purpose in trying to take the South is to unite all of Korea against the Dalek menace. A heartfelt speech from the Doctor leads to the Dalek retreating into an underground lair and engaging a hibernation cycle. While the Doctor counts this as a job well done, the audience sees another scene play out in 2006 - when North Korea successfully destroys the lair with their first nuclear test.

SmokaDustbowl
Feb 12, 2001

by vyelkin
Fun Shoe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Td4AmiC7oY4

JediTalentAgent
Jun 5, 2005
Hey, look. Look, if- if you screw me on this, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, you rat bastard!
The BBC Officially Apologizes For This Episode

While most lost Who episodes were accidentally destroyed older episodes, TBBCOAFTE is a placeholder a destroyed modern episode.

What it is is a 45-minute series of interviews with cast and crew over a particularly highly-hyped and controversial episode that somehow managed to make it from script to development to filming and pulled just moments before airing when someone realized how horribly insensitive it might be to a large portion of their audience.

Even in the interviews, there is a hesitation to even discuss the plot and a few times you can tell they have been edited to remove any and all specific references to the story. Even the name of the episode's writer is kept from being brought up at all, despite it being very easy to find on the Internet and everyone knows who it is.

Similarly, as are several details of the plot and casting available online, but much of said details are not present in the interviews, intentionally deleted. Had the episode aired, would have been regarded as one of the most major Who of all time and was set to be the start of a whole new direction for the series.

A ticker runs along the bottom of the screen repeating the "TBBCOAFTE" line throughout the episode.

In the closing interview, the head of programming for the BBC announces at the end of that Doctor Who is going to take some time off for a while, it might have to be fully cancelled depending on things, and they'll reair some Eccleston episodes in the meantime because no one remembers those and they'll seem new.

Automatic Slim
Jul 1, 2007

JediTalentAgent posted:

Creative Riding (Holiday Special)



This is good.

Top City Homo
Oct 15, 2014


Ramrod XTreme

Applewhite posted:

No Such Thing as a Free Lunch The Doctor and Clara visit a planet where all products are free and everyone has whatever they want, whenever they want. Clara is happy to take advantage of the situation but The Doctor is suspicious, noting "if you're not paying for a product... you are the product." Sure enough, the planet is a stockyard where the local humans are being fattened up for aliens to eat. The Doctor finds the proof and reveals it to everyone, but it turns out everyone already knew! They are willing participants in the operation, walking placidly into the abattoir when their number is called. The Doctor is flummoxed, but determined to save the humans from themselves. He is able to shut the whole thing down on a technicality when it turns out that humans don't conform to the aliens' equivalent of "Kosher."

The Early Bird Gets the... A marathon runner is shown in the final stretch of the race. He is ahead of the pack, and the crowd on either side of the street is cheering him on. He puts on an extra burst of speed and breaks the finish line tape! Zoom out to reveal all the crowds are gone and the street is abandoned except for a handful of confused looking volunteers are staring at him, frozen in the act of setting up for tomorrow's big marathon! Elsewhere, a couple arrive at a restaurant, bickering over being more than fifteen minutes late for their reservation but discover they are over an hour early!
All over the world, people are arriving at places before they leave, and finishing jobs only to find them not yet begun.
The Doctor investigates and it turns out that "time has begun to run backwards, causality is reversed! Now, instead of turning a key to start your motor, you turn your key because your motor started! You trip because you fell down!" If things keep going like this, the whole population of the Earth will end up unborn in a matter of days. Throughout the episode, The Doctor and Clara encounter a ghostly cosmonaut who appears to be moving backwards. He is trying to deliver a message, but they are getting it back to front and it's structured in such a way that it doesn't make sense without the first word.
It turns out the cosmonaut was part of a Russian FTL experiment that didn't make use of hyperspace or any other workarounds to the Theory of Relativity. They successfully broke the lightspeed barrier but also violated causality in the process (thus breaking causality for all of local spacetime). Since effects now precede causes, it's a simple matter for The Doctor reproduces an effect that could only be caused by the failure of the Russian experiment (he gets the cosmonaut to write a letter to his wife, apologizing for being a failure), thus undoing the Russian experiment before it starts.

This brilliant too brilliant for dr. who and better in every way

Mr. Bung
Mar 24, 2005

Get out the pink press threat file
and Um-brrrptzzap the subject.
'Leruzzzz in y'bastah!'

A crossover episode where the Doctor gets a new companion, who is '8 ace' from Viz Comic. They find themselves in the centre of Newcastle with only £1.49 between them. There can be only be outcome... (reference http://viz.co.uk/category/8-ace/ )

Ghaz
Nov 19, 2004

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Automatic Slim
Jul 1, 2007

Thanks For Sharing

The episode starts with the Doctor defeating a monster of the week at the behest of UNIT. As he's wrapping up goodbyes with Kate Leftbridge-Stewart and preparing to leave he bumps into an old companion, Liz Shaw, who is cordial but aloof. When Liz leaves, he asks Kate if Liz is still employed by UNIT. Kate gives a vague "she drops in quite often", then tells the Doctor she needs wrap things up and start filing her reports. Though he is pleasantly surprised, the Doctor is bothered at the cold rebuff of his former companion.

Making his way to the Tardis, the Doctor spies two other former companions, Jo Grant and Tegan Jovanka entering the UNIT building. The Doctor surreptitiously follows them back inside and to an innocuous room with a circle of plastic chairs in the the center. Seated are even more former "associates" of the Doctor: Donna Noble, Dodo Chaplet, Polly, Ben Jackson, Barbara Wright, Ian Chesterson, etc. Before the Doctor can surmise the situation, Dr. Harry Sullivan walks up behind him, catches up for a bit and invites the Doctor to "join in this week's session. There might be a great deal progress for all of us..."

Sullivan introduces the Doctor, but everyone is up to date with the Doctor's latest regeneration. This doesn't stop the ex-companions from making comments on his new appearance, attire, and make pithy comparisons of the Doctor's different versions. After the Doctor inquires why some of his old companions are gathered in the same place, Sullivan explains that he has been leading a therapy group for years for the Doctors' exes.

After a life of adventure through space and time, going back to an everyday, humdrum existence can be quite traumatic, stressful, and depressing, not to mention "the abandonment issues" and the inability to find meaningful employment. Apparently, when a teacher or airline stewardess decide to suddenly stop showing up to work one day, it looks bad on the CV. Many former companions have been living on UNIT's dole for decades.

The Doctor feels torn between regret at his former companions' struggles and agitation because "they all knew what they were signing up for". As the the exes line up to heap recrimination, the plastic furniture begins to morph into humanoid shape. The Nestene Consciousness has known about these meetings for years and had Auton furniture lie in wait for the day the Doctor would show up. The Doctor and his companions defeat the Autons. The exes once again feel the adrenaline rush of danger and adventure, but also have taken many steps back in their progress of assimilation for ordinary life. Sullivan suggests that the Doctor return some time in the future to delve further into unresolved issues, "but not too soon."

Back aboard the Tardis, the Doctor promises himself if he wants companionship again he'll just get another robotic dog.

Automatic Slim fucked around with this message at 21:25 on Nov 25, 2014

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