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Solid Poopsnake
Mar 27, 2010

by Nyc_Tattoo
Nap Ghost
You are in a tavern in the tiny hamlet of Pruusoxt. There is a special tonight on umber hulk bangers and also pitchers of chokeweed ale.

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Hogge Wild
Aug 21, 2012

by FactsAreUseless
Pillbug
>go sit in the corner table

Harime Nui
Apr 15, 2008

The New Insincerity
Can I be a Half-Orc Assassin



e: this better be AD&D 1st Ed or I'm going back to Hellthread!

Solid Poopsnake
Mar 27, 2010

by Nyc_Tattoo
Nap Ghost

Hogge Wild posted:

>go sit in the corner table

You sit at a corner table, deep in the shadows. The waitress doesn't see you.

Solid Poopsnake
Mar 27, 2010

by Nyc_Tattoo
Nap Ghost

Harime Nui posted:

Can I be a Half-Orc Assassin



e: this better be AD&D 1st Ed or I'm going back to Hellthread!

Your half-orc assassin stands outside, experiencing social anxiety. You are unsure about edition.

Harime Nui
Apr 15, 2008

The New Insincerity
>Compulsively pat rear end to check for coinpurse

Hogge Wild
Aug 21, 2012

by FactsAreUseless
Pillbug

Solid Poopsnake posted:

You sit at a corner table, deep in the shadows. The waitress doesn't see you.

>smoke hobbit weed and blow rings
>look mysterious so that newbs come asking for quests

curious lump
Sep 13, 2014

by zen death robot
i hail the bartender. "Christmas greetings"

Solid Poopsnake
Mar 27, 2010

by Nyc_Tattoo
Nap Ghost

Harime Nui posted:

>Compulsively pat rear end to check for coinpurse

It's there. Also, you're standing outside a bar feeling up your own rear end.

Harime Nui
Apr 15, 2008

The New Insincerity
>Shuffle in with mantle pulled up and vaguely wave as though to one of the occupied tables, but not one in specific, so the bartender won't think I'm a friendless weirdo

Solid Poopsnake
Mar 27, 2010

by Nyc_Tattoo
Nap Ghost

Hogge Wild posted:

>smoke hobbit weed and blow rings
>look mysterious so that newbs come asking for quests

A waitress approaches your table and informs you that smoking has been banned from taverns and inns for two years, thanks to nanny state legislation, and could you please put that out. Also, there is a two drink minimum.

curious lump posted:

i hail the bartender. "Christmas greetings"

The bartender spits into a glass and polishes it with a dirty rag. "What'll be it, adventurer?"

Solid Poopsnake
Mar 27, 2010

by Nyc_Tattoo
Nap Ghost

Harime Nui posted:

>Shuffle in with mantle pulled up and vaguely wave as though to one of the occupied tables, but not one in specific, so the bartender won't think I'm a friendless weirdo

The bartender is not fooled, and jerks his thumb at a burnt wood sign reading "Mysterious strangers and weirdos exit in rear."

curious lump
Sep 13, 2014

by zen death robot
"Egg nog... and it make it snappy" *Snaps fingers to demonstrate]

Harime Nui
Apr 15, 2008

The New Insincerity
>Take place in shadowy corner directly opposite mysterious hooded stranger in other shadowy corner
>Pester waitress for quests

Razorwired
Dec 7, 2008

It's about to start!
I try to buy weed off a random Hobbit.

Solid Poopsnake
Mar 27, 2010

by Nyc_Tattoo
Nap Ghost

curious lump posted:

"Egg nog... and it make it snappy" *Snaps fingers to demonstrate]

The bartender ladles a mug of nog and slops it in front of you. "That'll be 2 coppers, friend."

Harime Nui posted:

>Take place in mysterious corner directly opposite hooded stranger in other mysterious corner
>Pester waitress for quests

The waitress breathlessly describes a quest wherein you order four drinks, wildly overtip, and then leave without causing a scene.

TeeMerk
Jun 9, 2013

Razorwired posted:

I try to buy weed off a random Hobbit.
tries to sell you oregano

`awaits the roll to see if i sell oregano`

Solid Poopsnake
Mar 27, 2010

by Nyc_Tattoo
Nap Ghost

Razorwired posted:

I try to buy weed off a random Hobbit.

Surprisingly, this place is wall-to-wall hobbit weed dealers. Subtract 2 silver, add an eight.

Harime Nui
Apr 15, 2008

The New Insincerity
>Mumble passive aggressively and order an ale, surveil taproom for a post-it-board, possibly with job listings or dungeon advertisements

Johnny Aztec
Jan 30, 2005

by Hand Knit
I cast a spell that turns all the kegs of beer into various flavors of rat piss.


Prestidigitation. It's a 0 level can-trip.

Hogge Wild
Aug 21, 2012

by FactsAreUseless
Pillbug

Solid Poopsnake posted:

A waitress approaches your table and informs you that smoking has been banned from taverns and inns for two years, thanks to nanny state legislation, and could you please put that out. Also, there is a two drink minimum.

"Well met stranger! I'm Chloralhydrate the Plaid. There's a vile Half Orc guarding a great and ancient treasure. His abode is at that table. Bring me his treasure and you'll be greatly rewarded. Also bring me two brewskis."

>put pipe under the table and make motions of putting it out, but don't actually do it

Solid Poopsnake
Mar 27, 2010

by Nyc_Tattoo
Nap Ghost

Harime Nui posted:

>Mumble passive aggressively and order an ale, surveil taproom for a post-it-board, possibly with job listings or dungeon advertisements

A barbarian of the plans approaches you with a rolled bolt of felt, smiling. "Well met!"

Solid Poopsnake
Mar 27, 2010

by Nyc_Tattoo
Nap Ghost

Hogge Wild posted:

"Well met stranger! I'm Chloralhydrate the Plaid. There's a vile Half Orc guarding a great and ancient treasure. His abode is at that table. Bring me his treasure and you'll be greatly rewarded. Also bring me two brewskis."

>put pipe under the table and make motions of putting it out, but don't actually do it

"This isn't that kinda bar, stranger. MAybe you want to try the Manhole, over in Willowvale."

Harime Nui
Apr 15, 2008

The New Insincerity
I raise my hand with the middle and fourth fingers parted in what I assume is the traditional barbarian plainsman greetings. "Hale fellow traveler. What have you there?"

Solid Poopsnake
Mar 27, 2010

by Nyc_Tattoo
Nap Ghost

Johnny Aztec posted:

I cast a spell that turns all the kegs of beer into various flavors of rat piss.


Prestidigitation. It's a 0 level can-trip.

Mysteriously, your spell fails.

owl milk
Jun 28, 2011
im a dwarf and i roll to stab the barbarian with m y dagger

TeeMerk
Jun 9, 2013
>walks in the tavern with a female companion

Solid Poopsnake
Mar 27, 2010

by Nyc_Tattoo
Nap Ghost

Harime Nui posted:

I raise my hand with the middle and fourth fingers parted in what I assume is the traditional barbarian plainsman greetings. "Hale fellow traveler. What have you there?"

The barbarian unrolls his cloth onto your table, and displays an array of silver and turquoise jewelry. "Can I interest you in my wares, adventurer? Surely, these artifacts will protect you on your travels!"

Solid Poopsnake
Mar 27, 2010

by Nyc_Tattoo
Nap Ghost

owl milk posted:

im a dwarf and i roll to stab the barbarian with m y dagger

OH poo poo WE'RE GETTING DOWN EVERYONE STOP AND ROLL INITIATIVE

owl milk
Jun 28, 2011
then i take his stuff and run

Harime Nui
Apr 15, 2008

The New Insincerity

Solid Poopsnake posted:

OH poo poo WE'RE GETTING DOWN EVERYONE STOP AND ROLL INITIATIVE

What's my dex? :shrug:

Solid Poopsnake
Mar 27, 2010

by Nyc_Tattoo
Nap Ghost

Harime Nui posted:

What's my dex? :shrug:

JESUS BARRY YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHATS ON YOUR loving SHEET

Hogge Wild
Aug 21, 2012

by FactsAreUseless
Pillbug

Solid Poopsnake posted:

OH poo poo WE'RE GETTING DOWN EVERYONE STOP AND ROLL INITIATIVE

>7 and +2 from dex
> cast darkness

owl milk
Jun 28, 2011
since im a thief i have a 18 dex and i have improved initiative plus im a vampire and i have improved haste previously cast on me so my init is +20 or somthing

Solid Poopsnake
Mar 27, 2010

by Nyc_Tattoo
Nap Ghost

Hogge Wild posted:

>7 and +2 from dex
> cast darkness

The Plaid is now a sphere of black, hiding his barstool, drink, and shame.

Solid Poopsnake
Mar 27, 2010

by Nyc_Tattoo
Nap Ghost

owl milk posted:

since im a thief i have a 18 dex and i have improved initiative plus im a vampire and i have improved haste previously cast on me so my init is +20 or somthing

Well, roll it!

owl milk
Jun 28, 2011
so i win and i roll to stab him what do i get

burritolingus
Nov 6, 2007

by Ralp
"If there's a woman I wish to partake in sexual activities with her" and other worn out "jokes." I wear my cloak and my magicking cap.

burritolingus
Nov 6, 2007

by Ralp
Also Monty Python references.

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Solid Poopsnake
Mar 27, 2010

by Nyc_Tattoo
Nap Ghost

owl milk posted:

so i win and i roll to stab him what do i get

You get a bunch of turquoise and silver jewelry, his wallet which has five silver and pictures of the barbarian's kids, a debit card, a punchcard from the local sub shop, and a corpse.

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