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This is probably a E/N thread in the making but I will try hard to keep this to just what needs to be asked. It's a sad situation, and I need a little help to make sure that I am not forgetting anything. I felt since it was regarding finances and inheritances, it should go here rather than the SEVER forum. My parents are older now, my father is retired, and various health problems have plagued them both. They are in Southern California, and I am out of state, in Washington. My 41 year old brother (don't get me started), to say in the nicest way, is a no good loser leech. He is basically waiting for them to die so he can inherit, has TOLD them this to their faces, and has moved in over 3 years ago. He has paid no rent since he moved back in, pays no bills, and pretty much is verbally abusive to my parents. Working part time, and has a girlfriend living there as well who is part time working. It seriously pisses me off....he goes on and on about how they abused us as kids and he deserves the house (and he says this over and over that he IS getting the house), and they should hurry up and die already so he can get on with his life. He has also said so many times that "Parents are supposed to support their kids"...I and others keeps saying that is for KIDS not a 41 year old with no job  Needless to say, I grew up there in the house with him and never saw the abuses that he says were on both of us. He has a rather large temper, and has put his fist through the wall a few times. Ok end of E/N. I am the oldest of the two of us, and my parents have informed me that they are writing up a new will, in which I will be executor, and that they are tying the finances up as much as they can so that he cannot cause problems (or cause as little as possible) because they don't trust him at all, in no way, shape or form. This is basically my thing and I am to be sure that things are all taken care of and that he gets his share of the estate with as little drama as possible. So, now that that is said, we have already had the end of life discussion...I will be in charge of that as well. I am also taking their ashes. since they are both seriously afraid he will toss them out in the garbage or something. We are in talks about the house...they have a reverse mortgage, and I am not sure exactly what happens in the case of their deaths. I just got off the phone with my mother, and she said she is going to see if there is a way to have the house fixed up and sold upon the death of the surviving spouse, and whatever is left is split between me and my brother. So that brings me to the following questions regarding financial issues with a will: 1) Because of the circumstances, does my brother need to know about the will before their deaths? We are all a little afraid he will go nuts and do something if he finds out that he is not getting the house like he thinks he deserves. My parents are looking into having him removed from the home and a restraining order after the will and everything is done, but they are worried that if he knows he may try stuff. 2) Regarding above, with a will, would it be considered strange, (and is it legal) to have the lawyer sit the two of us down when the last parent passes and read the will that way and so I can act all surprised too? I figure that way he can rage at the lawyer before me...but I don't know if this is done or not. 3) Do I need to get on my parents accts at this time? Or do I wait until I have power of attorney/exectutorship to do so? I am not sure if this is something I should be looking into or not, and if that would make it easier overall. Also, no idea if it will mess us up on taxes/charges/etc 4) I know there is life insurance, and that there are financial accts set up for me and my brother, and so on and so on. Do I notify them or does the lawyer? And will the bank split up the accts as well or is this something I will need to do? 5) For those of you who have parents that have passed away....was there anything that you felt should have been included in a will? I have been racking my brain, and I really only came up with: a) what to do with material objects (ie car/jewelry/furniture/clothes/knicknacks) b) what type of services they wanted/cremation etc c) making sure everything was listed in the will regarding bequests to people/charities etc d) selling the house etc (they do NOT want him to have the house at all) e) having them send me ALL paperwork that they have....will/living will, acct #'s, house mortgage papers, cremation place/funeral home, life insurance, retirement info, lawyers info etc etc etc f) any remaining pets and $ for some care for them set aside (its already been decided that I will take them if any are still around) My parents are seeing the lawyer again next week, and getting it all together, so it should be ready soon. They know I am posting this, and wanted to thank you for anything they are forgetting. So I am trying to get all the info that I can together for them to be sure that they discuss with the lawyer and making sure that it is in the will and worded correctly. Am I missing anything? And do you have any suggestions or cautions? To be frank, my brother scares me. My husband will be there to help, of course, if needed and barring anything happening to him. My brother has basically alienated himself from everyone except me and when our parents are gone, this is going to be a sticky situation. Disco Salmon fucked around with this message at 17:36 on Jan 16, 2015 |
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Jan 16, 2015 01:23
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That sounds like a terrible situation to deal with. Your parents are lucky that you're willing and able to help them, and you're very lucky that they're trying to get this sorted out before they pass away.Disco Salmon posted:We are in talks about the house...they have a reverse mortgage, and I am not sure exactly what happens in the case of their deaths. I just got off the phone with my mother, and she said she is going to see if there is a way to have the house fixed up and sold upon the death of the surviving spouse, and whatever is left is split between me and my brother. I think it's more common for children to sell the house to pay off the loan in those cases. I can't speak to most of your questions, so hopefully someone else can, but... Disco Salmon posted:5) For those of you who have parents that have passed away....was there anything that you felt should have been included in a will?
Disco Salmon posted:Am I missing anything? And do you have any suggestions or cautions? To be frank, my brother scares me. My husband will be there to help, of course, if needed and barring anything happening to him. My brother has basically alienated himself from everyone except me and when our parents are gone, this is going to be a sticky situation.
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Jan 16, 2015 06:18
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Thank you...I will get this info to them and try to get as much sorted out as we can beforehand. The info and things you said make a lot of sense, I didn't even think about subscriptions and such. Yes...I already know it will end up being my fault somehow, and am pretty much resigned to the fact that I will most likely end up being the bad guy. At least the funeral arrangements have been made and paid for as of tonight. ..they have decided on cremation and having the ashes sent to me directly. No funerals, just a celebration of life BBQ for both. One less thing for me to worry about. ..
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Jan 16, 2015 07:52
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Going through photographs, getting rid of ones that aren't worth worrying about, and labeling the ones that are is helpful. Also, going through stuff in their house, like, old stuff that has sentimental value, specifying if certain sentimental items should go to certain people. IANAL, but I think who the life insurance goes to is based on the beneficiary, and has nothing to do with the will. Your brother doesn't have to know anything about the will, but they may want to put a no-challenge clause in the will, if your state allows it; I'm sure the probate attorney can talk about it. Listen to the probate attorney. Always listen to the probate attorney.
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Jan 16, 2015 08:56
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Zanthia posted:
This is fantastic advice. When my mom passed away I made a spreadsheet listing every type of account I was made aware of from incoming mail, files in the file cabinet, cards in the wallet that may or may not still be active accounts, etc. It would have been super handy to have it already existing. My spreadsheet had 51 rows and 12 columns. It might've been overkill but I was determined to make sure nothing slipped through the cracks since it was just me dealing with it all. If you would like to see it, PM me and I'll make a copy cutting out the personal information.  quote:IANAL, but I think who the life insurance goes to is based on the beneficiary, and has nothing to do with the will. I'm pretty sure this is correct. I was the beneficiary but not executor and was able to handle two life insurance claims with just a death certificate and some forms. (Mom made her out-of-state slightly-crazy sister the executor if she died when I was under age 25. I was 24 and 11 months. Yay.)
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Jan 17, 2015 19:35
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It might be worth when you are out visiting them next time to sit them down someplace without your brother and go through what specific items of theirs have any increased value over everything else. Perhaps your mother has a ring with a massive ruby she never wears. It might be worth noting it down and photographing in case someone takes advantage of a situation and it goes missing. I know with my great grand parents, they asked if there was anything in particular that people wanted and that each of the grand children (my mother and siblings) could have 2 things and several years before she died those 2 things were handed out to the grand children. This can apply equally to other wealth they may have. They may choose to distribute funds, items, or things before they pass. IE you might want to buy a house. you tell them this next week you have 200k in your account. With a note that says early inheritance. Perhaps a trust that contains everything of their's in it might also protect any assets from people that think they are crafty. You also need to look at those squatting laws in Cali. I remember in another thread that if you live in a house even as a tenant you can somehow morph that into a squaters rights type deal and you are basically impossible to evict. I'm not sure how to word it properly in legal speak but a clause that says something like, we are of sound mind currently all other wills updated without the pass-phrase of "Llama party weeee' are void might be worth putting in. Here is a story about how this might have saved my own family some time. As my great grand mother aged into her late 90's the most vindictive grandchildren trekked back from Western Australia to NZ to 'coach' my great grandma into rewriting her will, changing it from everything being sold and split up or divided up evenly to everything in Australian accounts (75% of wealth) goes to the 2 Australian based grandchildren and the other NZ based accounts (25% of wealth) goes to 4 grandchildren, with all fees being subtracted from NZ accounts (including the lawyers fees for fighting from both sides) from a total of $1.8 million estate. The main point of that anecdote is to male sure they are covering their asses from a very minor chance of someone trying to cook the books. I'm not saying your brother will, as he's been fairly open about what he thinks is happening but it's reasonable to plan accordingly.
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Jan 21, 2015 05:14
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Good luck with this. Your brother sounds exactly like my sister (except older). Thank god she found a boyfriend she could move in with, but we'll see how long it lasts. I would talk to a lawyer (Maybe the ones that are drawing up the will) and verify this information, especially (as said before) squatter's rights. I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter who knows about the will except the people making it, the lawyer, the witnesses, and the executors until it goes into effect. There's usually going to be enough people to prove that you didn't strong arm your parents into making you the executor, though your brother is probably going to claim that. The lawyers have probably dealt with plenty of situations like this and probably wont' care how you act at the readings. As for the "accounts", I'm assuming you mean utility. No matter what happens, unless they put the accounts fully in your name right now, you're going to have lots of fun faxing death certs/power of attorney (depending on the stage) no matter if you're on the account or not unless you are the actual "owner" of the account. Some companies might have different policies, but I know the bigger ones are going to require that information before they relinquish control to you. If you're worried about that, I would have your parents start moving accounts into your name, that way your brother can't screw things up.
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Jan 21, 2015 16:23
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Anphear posted:It might be worth when you are out visiting them next time to sit them down someplace without your brother and go through what specific items of theirs have any increased value over everything else. Perhaps your mother has a ring with a massive ruby she never wears. It might be worth noting it down and photographing in case someone takes advantage of a situation and it goes missing. Thank you for this. I do know they are in process of putting everything into a trust. He tried to pull a fast one this weekend and tried to get them to sign papers....he was not happy that my dad said no, and wanted his lawyer to look at them. Apparently it has something to do with life insurance...I am not sure but my dad is pissed off, as am I. I will be glad when the will is finished and in stone...I am so stressed The photos are a good idea. I will tell them to do that as well. They already have distributed some things to family, which has pissed off my brother to no end. I know they have already earmarked certain items to go to certain people, and have put that into the will for bequests.The idea of the code word is bloody brilliant....I will mention this to them. We were trying to think of a way that he could not get the will changed etc after the one parent is gone, and this may just do the trick. I will call them today and let them know. As for covering their asses...they are seeing my brother in his true colors now at last, and they are acting accordingly, and legally. I believe, at least according to my mom, that as soon as the will is finished, their attorney will be starting eviction and restraining order proceedings against him and his GF. They are putting a clause into the will that upon the death of the final spouse, the house is to be immediately vacated, locks changed, and that no one is allowed in unless they are with me or my husband or attorney. They will be making sure alarms are installed and that we have access to the codes. The attorney they hired is making sure that my brother cannot get in, and if he does, it will be considered breaking and entering. etc. The house is to be sold pretty much as soon as possible, and the money added to the estate (if any money is left from the reverse mortgage payoff). Personally, and I told them this last night, I am pissed off and I am basically writing my brother off from my life for the crap he is pulling now. I do not know if it is from drinking/drugs, a mental condition, or his manipulative GF subtly pushing him but I don't like it at all. Not a bit. I will be damned if I let him do this to them. I also told them they are being way too nice to him. He doesn't need to know the will, and all he needs to know is that things are taken care of and he won't have to pay a thing towards funeral expenses. We were brought up to respect our elders, and we have no idea why he is doing this. I mean, he made my parents cry. On their birthdays no less, I am so furious that he made them feel this way, I could literally spit nails. I was so angry the other night, over what he tried to pull on them. I can be vindictive when pushed too far, and I feel very strongly about protecting those who cannot help themselves....children, elderly, animals, and so on. I told my parents they are way too nice dealing with this. If I were in their situation, I would basically make a point with my will. I would say IN WRITING that originally, he was meant to get half of the estate. But since he has not paid rent/refused to pay utilities/abused my parents/stolen medication and items from the house,/etc, this is being taken out of his share. Then donate that to a charity, like ChoC or St Jude etc because they would appreciate the monies and use it for good. If I were being really serious, I would leave him only a token amt (if anything) and donate the rest. This should get the point across just how mad I really am at him for doing this to them. He has already been taken off all my own accts as beneficiary as well. I know they probably won't, but I sort of hope they do so he would maybe finally learn his lesson. And as for "not saying your brother will" I am pretty sure that he will do something along those lines. My main goal in all this, is to make sure that my parents are safe, and can enjoy their retirement years, and not have the stress that they are going thru atm dealing with all this. My brother accused me the other day of doing this to "gain control of the moneys". Personally? I would rather have my parents around and not have them give me anything. We don't need their money. If they choose to give me anything... then, wow, that's really sweet of them to think of me. If they wanted to give it all to charity then it would be done so. My brother has $$ shining in his eyes and its pathetic. I wish i didn't have to deal with this but someone has to that they can trust, and that person is me. I appreciate all that you posters have shared with me...and it helps immensely. I know this is probably more of an E/N thread, and I am sorry. However, the way I see it, is it is dealing with inheritances/financial means so that is why I posted this here. I wanted serious thoughtful answers, and I have gotten them. Thank you.
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Jan 21, 2015 16:56
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Gothmog1065 posted:Good luck with this. Your brother sounds exactly like my sister (except older). Thank god she found a boyfriend she could move in with, but we'll see how long it lasts. Accounts were regarding bank accounts (saving/checking etc). My mom is afraid that my brother will be trying to get in them (possibly again) when the first parent goes and hope no one notices with all the fuss and muss going on. I guess, my mom figures that if I am on the accts, I can at least keep an eye on them and be sure that no funny business is going on. She has not said, but I think he has tried before (by the way my mom is acting), but my parents are very closemouthed about it. That is just my gut feeling speaking here. The utility stuff, no, that is not anything I am worrying about at this time. I am asking them for a list of all that stuff so I know who to call, and what the number is and so on so I can close/cancel them when the time comes. My dad said he is taking care of all this so it will be very easy for me to cancel the services....I don't know if he is putting them in my name or adding me to it.
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Jan 21, 2015 17:06
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Disco Salmon posted:Accounts were regarding bank accounts (saving/checking etc). My mom is afraid that my brother will be trying to get in them (possibly again) when the first parent goes and hope no one notices with all the fuss and muss going on. I guess, my mom figures that if I am on the accts, I can at least keep an eye on them and be sure that no funny business is going on. She has not said, but I think he has tried before (by the way my mom is acting), but my parents are very closemouthed about it. That is just my gut feeling speaking here. The fun thing about the bank accounts: I'm pretty sure if your name is on them, even if your parents die the accounts are yours. I know in NC a will won't supersede if your name is on it (Or if it does, if you wipe the accounts beforehand, nothing can be legally done). The more I read about your brother, the more it makes me angry. My sister is the same way. Dad died about 10 years ago, and she moved in with mom shortly thereafter. Not long after that, she laid claim to EVERYTHING. Mom's house. The old house where mom and dad ran a business for years (That I was living in and going to buy). All the kitchen crap. A TV my brother gave mom. The computer I gave mom. Everything. She "deserved" it all because she "took care of mom" by living in her house, doubling all of mom's bills, not working, having a baby, being too lazy to be a welfare queen (My sister takes the cake. She could have had SO MUCH FREE MONEY but didn't because she couldn't get her loving rear end out of the house) and when her daughter was born, running up a $4000 gas over the course of two months. She couldn't keep a job. The worst part was mom just rolled over like a beat dog whenever my sister so much as whispered a complaint. My other sister, brother, and I have been furious at my sister for all the poo poo she put mom through. However, she's finally moved out and being a good housewife and cooking and cleaning for her new boyfriend (Things she refused to do for mom). At least your parents are doing something. I'm probably going to take some of this back and try to get mom to do some of these so my sister can't screw the rest of us over.
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Jan 21, 2015 17:37
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The worst part about probate proceedings is when the opposing lawyers start recommending things to other family members that start to seem really personal. The minute they hire a lawyer, that lawyer has one job and one client to maximize returns for. I lost sleep for 2 entire years before I realized "None of these people give a poo poo. Why do I?" Lo and behold, things appear to be wrapping up now. Just be prepared, when you are the responsible one, and especially the executor, the angry sibling A lawyering up will be the beginning of a character assassination the likes of which you've never imagined. It might only be the angry sibling listening to legal advice, try not to take it personal like I did. It sucks. You are so lucky they are working with you before hand on all this. There shouldn't be much mystery surrounding events and transactions if the will is complete and thorough. root of all eval fucked around with this message at 18:35 on Jan 21, 2015 |
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Jan 21, 2015 18:12
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I feel for you I am to the point now where I just want him out so I don't have to worry about him doing something to them. I spoke to my moms' best friend the other day, and she was telling me about my mom's pain meds missing, and my dad's special brandy (that he never opened and was saving for a special occasion) was gone, and the bottle (empty) was found in the garage, and then she tells me that my brother has laid hands on my mother. My lousy excuse for a brother HIT my mother and tried to hit my dad when he defended her. I asked my mom flat out if he hit her, and she was silent, then started to cry. He hurt my mom and made her cry....I'm furious. I don't care anymore...I want him out. I don't care where he goes, or what he does with his life. He can go rot under a rock at this point for the little I care. My mom is 68, disabled, and scared of her son. My dad is 70 and sick with heart issues and diabetes, and my brother is trying to put him into an early grave. This isn't right, and I 'll be damned if I let him get away with anything else if I can possibly help it. I just want to be sure that their stuff is protected, and that they are safe, and that they don't have to worry anymore. I didn't know a lot of what has been going on until the other night, and I am so pissed I am seeing red right now, I am trying my hardest to talk them into finishing the will and getting everything how they want it, legally and morally, as fast as they can so they can get the proceeding started on getting him AND his gf out asap. The last thing I want is to see everything my frugal parents worked so hard for to be destroyed, and them left with shattered remains, or even worse, knowing that what they wanted to do with their money and property was not going to be able to be done. My dad scrimped and saved for years to get a house, and to keep us kids fed and clothed, as well as support my mom. The man worked every holiday, and had perfect attendance. FOR THIRTY YEARS. Now he is not able to enjoy his retirement because of my brother. I am taking all the financial advice to heart and am letting them know everything that has been said here so they can use that information wisely. If I had the right to do so I would make sure he didn't get a red cent or anything for how he has treated them. But, its not my choice to make, all I can do is try to give them the info so they can make the decisions that will best suit what they want. BossRighteous posted:The worst part about probate proceedings is when the opposing lawyers start recommending things to other family members that start to seem really personal. The minute they hire a lawyer, that lawyer has one job and one client to maximize returns for. I lost sleep for 2 entire years before I realized "None of these people give a poo poo. Why do I?" Lo and behold, things appear to be wrapping up now. I already know he is going to be pissed. He is already pissed and angry because my parents told him that I am in charge of this when they go and not him. So, I have an inkling already that its going to be bad. As of the other night I don't really have a brother anymore...only by birth but that's it. I want nothing to do with him unless I have to, and if he is going to drag me thru the mud, I can drag right back if I have to. He hasn't messed with me truly before. He hasn't seen anything yet. My dad told me yesterday that he is making my husband my co-executor to take a little pressure off me. I guess the lawyer that they have is very good, and is tying up any and all loose ends that they possible can so there is no way he can get a foothold in. I will do what my parents ask me to do, and gently caress him what he wants. Its going to be a mess...at least I know I have a ton of people on my side who have seen him and what hes done to my family that can help me remember that I am in the right. Besides... I don't know how on earth he will be able to afford a lawyer. He has no real job or anything and neither does she. Disco Salmon fucked around with this message at 18:32 on Jan 21, 2015 |
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Jan 21, 2015 18:24
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I had the distinct pleasure of being dragged through the mud by my Dad's Ex-wife since I have a half brother that's still a minor. That's another level of hell. The shittiest part is I never once disputed any claims they made, it was all just song and dance to push billable hours in my opinion. Broke people with the possibility of a settlement can still lawyer up at the lawyers discretion, if the lawyer thinks an agreed to amount/percentage of the settlement would cover their fees. That's how those TV accident lawyer claim "We don't get paid unless you win." I have a sibling that has a lot of financial emotional and mental issues, and I am going to be going through the exact same scenario as you again in a couple of years. My Mom has custody of his kids and he still has to beg for money for the power bill. It's just so sad all around. I'm taking notes for next time. Thanks for posting and being open about things. This is a dark side of life and finance I wish I had a chance to read into before it got thrust upon me at 25 without warning. It may help someone else.
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Jan 21, 2015 18:44
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Is moving your parents up near you an option, and keeping their new address out of your brother's hands? I would worry about keeping them safe from him while they're alive way more than what he may or may not get when they die.
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Jan 21, 2015 18:46
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I, too, have siblings that want what they feel is their share of estates. Well, one of them, at least. I have two older twin sisters. Sister A used to be incredibly immature, partying all the time, spending money like it's no one's business, etc etc. Then, she had two kids, got married to a great guy, and has matured a LOT in the last seven years. Since she's gotten her life together and is acting responsibly, she was written back into my mother's and grandmother's will. Sister B (by the way, they're identical twins that are 34 years old) is a total screw up and I can't even say it's her fault, really. At 16 years old she got pregnant with the first of her five kids, got married to her worthless husband (who, by the way, she divorced and re-married after he got out of jail for breaking/entering and grand larceny - he is literally an ex-con. My brother in law is a loving felon and it's so aggravating). He can't seem to keep a job, bounces from employer to employer because he's a smartass who can't keep his goddamn mouth shut, and does nothing but rag on other people. When I introduced my girlfriend to my sisters, Sister B's husband was there and compared my girlfriend to their dog just because they have the same name. Because of him, by and large, my sister's family is living in a doublewide trailer with my godparents, putting 9 people in a loving double-wide. Nobody in that trailer has a job at the moment. My godmother (~67 years old) is retired after a long and fulfilling career as a 911 dispatcher, something she absolutely loved doing, and lives off of her government pension and social security. Godmother's daughter is ~45 years old and was just fired from her 21 year job doing something or other, and she has no other skills outside of that specific job so she's on unemployment and has no current employment prospects. After a long series of incidents that had my mother paying Sister B's rent for over a year, my grandmother bending over backwards to rent out one of her rental properties to my sister for like $100/month, Sister A letting Sister B move into HER HOUSE (leading Sister A's husband to add $100,000 worth of renovations and upgrades to their home to accommodate them) for over a year, everyone giving Sister B as much help as possible, we finally decided enough was enough. Sister B was written out of all wills and legal documents because, because if she received any monies or properties, her husband would gently caress it all up and it'd be gone within a year, if that. My grandmother owns three properties and me and my sisters were all slated to get one each. I'm getting the big farm (which I'm planning to divide and rent - house to a family, subdivided fields for farmers to graze cows or keep other livestock there or something, just to make some money off of it because I live on the opposite coast), and Sister A is getting one of the houses to do whatever she wants to with it. I don't know what the plans are for the other house right now. My mother made me (the youngest child by ten years mind you; I only got out of school in May 2013) the executor of her will, along with the biggest share of inheritance money and property from my grandmother, mother, and stepfather. Sister A is getting quite a bit too, but she doesn't really need it since their combined net worth is much higher than mine. Sister B just gets screwed but I don't see anything else we can possibly do to help her that her bastard leech of a husband won't gently caress up. Sorry to hijack your thread OP, I see we have similar sibling problems
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Jan 21, 2015 18:50
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BossRighteous posted:I had the distinct pleasure of being dragged through the mud by my Dad's Ex-wife since I have a half brother that's still a minor. That's another level of hell. The shittiest part is I never once disputed any claims they made, it was all just song and dance to push billable hours in my opinion. Broke people with the possibility of a settlement can still lawyer up at the lawyers discretion, if the lawyer thinks an agreed to amount/percentage of the settlement would cover their fees. That's how those TV accident lawyer claim "We don't get paid unless you win." I just talked to my dad, and my dad said "well, if he wants to blow what little he gets on a lawyer, hope he has fun." Thank you for the words....I have never liked airing dirty laundry in public, but if this can help other people here then I will do so gladly. I just hope that they don't have to go thru this same scenario If I knew how awful this was going to be....even before they have passed on....ugh But they trust me to do what they want, and I cannot let them down. So, I will fight the good fight and know in the end, I did the right thing, even if it ends up with me not having a brother anymore. I can live without him and his bullshit...I could not live with myself knowing I didn't do my best to do what they wanted.Engineer Lenk posted:Is moving your parents up near you an option, and keeping their new address out of your brother's hands? I would worry about keeping them safe from him while they're alive way more than what he may or may not get when they die. I have brought this up more than once to them. They have no wish to leave the area they have lived in for the last 40 years, because my mom's parents are buried here, their best friends are here, and its familiar. Also, if they leave the house, I guess it messes up the reverse mortgage or something...I'm not exactly sure, but when I get the mortgage paperwork they are sending me I can get more info on that. They are stubborn old people, set in their way and they are determined that this is THEIR house and come hell or high water they are not leaving till they have to HonorableTB posted:I, too, have siblings that want what they feel is their share of estates. Yes I can tell Sucks a bit to be sure. All he sees are $ signs. The thing is, I know him well enough to know that between any money my parents leave him, and the money from my grandad that he gets upon my dad's death....it will be gone within 5 years. Its not as much as what he thinks it is...he has NO concept that its not that much. I and my father have tried to explain this to him, saying how much my grandad left us, and how much he is likely to see from my parents. He has no clue that it isn't that much to live on. At the most IF my parents give him the full share, plus with his share of my grandads trust he is looking at maybe 500-600k. That is a generous estimate before taxes. That is not enough for him to buy a house and pay taxes/house insurance and so on like he is saying he is in the same area my parents live in. He has no clue at all and it is truly sad So maybe he could buy a little house somewhere in Orange County (the nice areas like he is thinking) I don't know anymore...but he sure as hell couldn't do the upkeep without a decent job, let alone paying taxes and insurance. The house would be lost due to not paying of taxes I am sure rather quickly. He has no retirement funds to speak of. None. Neither does the gf. He and the gf will fritter it away and he will be in the same situation he is in now but without my parents to mooch off of. And he is NOT coming to me or getting anything from me either. I seriously have the feeling that whatever he gets will be spent and gone, either on stupid things (or the GF talking him into putting it into a shared acct and then walking off with most of it which I think is more likely) Disco Salmon fucked around with this message at 19:13 on Jan 21, 2015 |
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Jan 21, 2015 18:51
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You seem to be on the right path - talk to a lawyer about setting up a living trust (which you seem to be doing). The will is likely different from state to state, but here in California, the use of a living trust allows you to basically skip probate court, which would save you a lot of trouble and time. Basically, it would grant you all of the power/authority to execute and control assets.
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Jan 21, 2015 20:02
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My transition to executor wasn't very clear cut and I was advised not to excercise bank account control until the court order for the estate was granted. Especially since the Ex-wife called the will into question. This lead to a 2 month dead-zone of having to self fund funeral/legal expenses until the smoke cleared. I got to reimburse, but definitely find out how to avoid that.
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Jan 21, 2015 20:06
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ntan1 posted:You seem to be on the right path - talk to a lawyer about setting up a living trust (which you seem to be doing). The will is likely different from state to state, but here in California, the use of a living trust allows you to basically skip probate court, which would save you a lot of trouble and time. Basically, it would grant you all of the power/authority to execute and control assets. Right, looks like that is what they are setting up is a living trust type of thing. According to my parents, I wont really have to worry about much at all because they are tying everything up as tight as they can and getting it attached to the trust. BossRighteous posted:My transition to executor wasn't very clear cut and I was advised not to excercise bank account control until the court order for the estate was granted. Especially since the Ex-wife called the will into question. This lead to a 2 month dead-zone of having to self fund funeral/legal expenses until the smoke cleared. I got to reimburse, but definitely find out how to avoid that. I'm so very lucky in this respect....my parents have no exes since this is the only marriage for both. The cremation for both is already set up and paid in advance so I don't need to worry about that step. They do not want a funeral but a celebration of life BBQ and get together with close friends and family. My dad is going to ask the lawyer about if I should be on the bank accts or not....he and my mom would both prefer if I was to make sure that no one walks off with anything they are not supposed to, but I don't know exactly. I guess my dad is asking the lawyer, if I am on my moms acct or vice versa (since they have separate accts), if I would be moving that into his acct, or if he needs to worry about it. Then he is trying to see if the last person passes, if I am on the acct, if that needs to be moved into an estate acct and so on. I just want it to be legal and no way to be seen as stealing etc in any way, if that makes sense? Dad is saying that hes not sure...has to ask but he thinks it is technically part of the estate and therefore it would be all moved into a trust acct attached to the living trust upon death of the survivior. But, well, I don't know or have a clue...he is going to let me know and find out and then we will take care of that if we need to. They are just concerned that my brother and/or the gf will try to get into the accts while things are up in the air following whoever passes, so pretty much they are wanting me to be on there to handle any issues that come up with missing funds and whatnot. Disco Salmon fucked around with this message at 20:33 on Jan 21, 2015 |
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Jan 21, 2015 20:31
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I'm curious on other's thoughts about administration fees. Specifically compensation of time. You always want to do the right thing, and knowing you are the trusted adviser is a great honor. However, had I known I'd spend 2 years of personal time on paperwork, filings, travel, distributions, etc; I would have taken better log of my time itself and billed some reasonable $15-$25/h rate against administrative costs. It's too late now, but in the grief I wasn't thinking about how taxing and long the process would end up being. It is hard work, so you may discuss with your parents if they would be comfortable agreeing to any such compensation and at what rate to make sure it's written in.
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Jan 21, 2015 20:42
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BossRighteous posted:I'm curious on other's thoughts about administration fees. Specifically compensation of time. You always want to do the right thing, and knowing you are the trusted adviser is a great honor. However, had I known I'd spend 2 years of personal time on paperwork, filings, travel, distributions, etc; I would have taken better log of my time itself and billed some reasonable $15-$25/h rate against administrative costs. It's too late now, but in the grief I wasn't thinking about how taxing and long the process would end up being. They apparently have already written it in that I am to take an executor fee. I told them I didn't need it, that I would do it for nothing but I have been informed that if I don't take it as the fee then it is being given to me another way...its already written up somehow. They both feel VERY strongly that I take it and that I should not turn it down, because apparently one way or another they are making sure I take it They are sweet to me like that.
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Jan 21, 2015 20:44
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Disco Salmon posted:They apparently have already written it in that I am to take an executor fee. I told them I didn't need it, that I would do it for nothing but I have been informed that if I don't take it as the fee then it is being given to me another way...its already written up somehow. At this point, take it. You're dealing with a ton of stress and bullshit, and when your parents do die, your brother is probably going to turn into a righteous dick.
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Jan 21, 2015 20:56
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It may just be less of a headache drama-wise to have them name someone not related as executor and eat the fees that would incur. Make the will look as impartially fair as possible (i.e. if there are restrictions, put them equally on both of you), and don't try for any split other than perfectly equal. It's not ideal; he doesn't deserve being treated this well. It will, however, cut any arguments of unfairness or impartiality off at the knees, and you don't have to be the bad guy keeping him from his inheritance.
Engineer Lenk fucked around with this message at 21:12 on Jan 21, 2015 |
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Jan 21, 2015 21:07
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Engineer Lenk posted:It may just be less of a headache drama-wise to have them name someone not related as executor and eat the fees that would incur. Make the will look as impartially fair as possible (i.e. if there are restrictions, put them equally on both of you), and don't try for any split other than perfectly equal. It's not ideal; he doesn't deserve being treated this well. It will, however, cut any arguments of unfairness or impartiality off at the knees, and you don't have to be the bad guy keeping him from his inheritance. I asked my Mom to do this, actually. She's still mid 50s so we don't have to look too deep, but I need some time off of probate court.
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Jan 21, 2015 21:31
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Engineer Lenk posted:It may just be less of a headache drama-wise to have them name someone not related as executor and eat the fees that would incur. Make the will look as impartially fair as possible (i.e. if there are restrictions, put them equally on both of you), and don't try for any split other than perfectly equal. It's not ideal; he doesn't deserve being treated this well. It will, however, cut any arguments of unfairness or impartiality off at the knees, and you don't have to be the bad guy keeping him from his inheritance. BossRighteous posted:I asked my Mom to do this, actually. She's still mid 50s so we don't have to look too deep, but I need some time off of probate court. I did ask if their best friend would do it instead, and all said no. They basically want me to do it because of out of the people who could do it, I guess I am the one they trust the most. My honorary auntie, the best friend, said no because in her mind she is too old to deal with this hassle, especially with my brother.She is a tiny tiny little thing of a woman, and he would railroad right over her. I can at least give it back to him if he tries anything. And really, no one else we know is really willing to deal with him after all the poo poo. So its kinds of left to me to do it and make sure that things are done right. My mom has no living family but us and 2 nieces and a nephew, and my dad is estranged from his, so for the most part...its just us and that's it. They are keeping it equal, but my father is leaning heavily towards cutting a good chunk of my brothers inheritance off and donating it. He feels he does not deserve it, especially after having my brother telling him constantly that "Parents are supposed to take care of their children", not to mention how he and my mom have been treated. Yes, I agree with that...but only until they are legally adult. Then they should be on their own and taking care of the parents when they are older. My dad is so sad and hurt that he is basically supporting his 40+ year old son...its just ridiculous. No matter what, I will end up being the bad guy in this situation, because I wont be railroaded or bullied into anything, and I will do exactly what the law and the will says. He hates the idea of anything going to anyone bequest-wise other than himself....he has had fits over the fact that my honorary auntie MIGHT be in the will (which she isn't....she specifically asked for no bequests). My cousins might have a bequest....a small one and he is already yelling about them taking stuff away from him. So, ya...no matter what its going to be ugly
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Jan 21, 2015 22:03
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Disco Salmon posted:I did ask if their best friend would do it instead, and all said no. They basically want me to do it because of out of the people who could do it, I guess I am the one they trust the most. My honorary auntie, the best friend, said no because in her mind she is too old to deal with this hassle, especially with my brother.She is a tiny tiny little thing of a woman, and he would railroad right over her. I can at least give it back to him if he tries anything. And really, no one else we know is really willing to deal with him after all the poo poo. So its kinds of left to me to do it and make sure that things are done right. My mom has no living family but us and 2 nieces and a nephew, and my dad is estranged from his, so for the most part...its just us and that's it. I was thinking along the lines of a professional rather than anyone who had a personal relationship with your family.
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Jan 21, 2015 23:34
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Engineer Lenk posted:I was thinking along the lines of a professional rather than anyone who had a personal relationship with your family. I asked them this afternoon and they both said no....they still want me.
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Jan 22, 2015 01:25
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Engineer Lenk posted:I was thinking along the lines of a professional rather than anyone who had a personal relationship with your family. Most wills permit the executor to hire someone to execute the will if they are unwilling, as well as permission to hire an accountant and attorney to aid in the execution and defense of the will. So really it just depends what the language is written as.
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Jan 24, 2015 08:30
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I don't understand why having a will in place is a prerequisite for your parents kicking your brother out. If he's hitting your mom, that seems way more urgent than dealing with questions of inheritance.
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Jan 26, 2015 00:19
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If you can't think of any other way to get your brother out, contact Adult Protective Services. The law basically treats elder abuse the same as child abuse.
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Jan 26, 2015 02:05
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JohnnyHildo posted:If you can't think of any other way to get your brother out, contact Adult Protective Services. The law basically treats elder abuse the same as child abuse. This. If you really want him to get what he deserves, file a police report about his elder abuse.
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Jan 26, 2015 05:25
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Nocheez posted:This. If you really want him to get what he deserves, file a police report about his elder abuse. APS will get the police involved, and they may be more motivated to act than some random beat cop who views this as just another domestic situation.
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Jan 26, 2015 05:49
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Wow... That sounds like a bad situation all around I think addressing the parental abuse before worrying about the will would be advisable. And then in regards to their estate, if they expect to have 1-1.2mil after paying the reverse mortgage - why the hell do they have a reverse mortgage?
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Jan 26, 2015 17:28
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SiGmA_X posted:Wow... That sounds like a bad situation all around No, THEY will not have that. See there is something you missed. My parents money, and my grandad's trust. The majority of my grandad's estate is held in a trust that is earmarked for me and my brother upon our father's passing. He only gets a small % of interest (I think like 1% quarterly), the rest is explicitly written in my grandad's will/trust settlement etc that the majority of it is to go to the two grandkids, payable upon my fathers death. Financially, my dad is very frugal, and my mom (is not) has been on disability since I was a preteen. She has a mental issue that goes along with the disability that causes her to not be good with money. I can't recall what it is but it is attached to her disorder. Any moneys that came in got spent on bills and things and stuff, but not saved like my dad thought. He is now in charge of the accounts, and my mom has her own little acct that he puts an allowance in for her. So the only money in there is the pension that goes only to my mom if my dad passes first (we kids do not get any of that), 2 insurance policies, my dads retirement stuff he set up to compliment the pension, the bank accts, the house, and whatever is left. There is not really a lot. My brother fails to see that, he only sees the $$ going on and not the things that go with it,. He has remarked in hearing of my dad that when he gets hold of my dads pension he will be a happy man. However, he cannot do that because according to the way the pension is done, only my father, and his remaining spouse get anything. Upon the remaining person's death, it is stopped. In total, from my parents estate, there is only money from the house if any, and those items. Not a lot, I think when he (Dad) tallied it all up it was only about 500k in total or so. As for the abuse, i have been talking to my dad. He refuses to call anyone and says he has a plan to take care of him, and for me not to worry. My mom has been sent away to stay with some friends for a few weeks in Palm Springs (I talked with them and they know the situation so they removed her from the situation until it can be taken care of) I asked their friend's son (an honorary cousin or sorts) to stay with him a bit to keep him company, so my dad won't be alone. It also helps that he is a trained bodybuilder and works out, and has medical training on the side. My dad is in process I think of getting my brother out quietly and legally, but he isn't telling me. He says I will know whats going on as soon as he finalizes it and it will be very soon. Now, I advocated calling the Elder Abuse etc....that is a no go. My dad worked for the police department for over 30+ years, and swears up and down APS/Elder abuse don't help...they just talk. According to him he has seen it fail too many times. He asked me specifically to not call, that he was in process of getting it taken care of. He has talked he has said, to the lawyer, and to some other people and it WILL be done soon. My mom is safe and that is what we were most concerned about. The whole reason they wanted to do the will first, and address the other stuff after, was the way my dad thinks. The reasoning was, that in case my brother got greedy, or if something happened, that things would not be done how they wanted. They wanted to be sure everything was in place because their health is worsening, and the last will they had left me and my brother to my honorary auntie for guardianship. They are concerned that they will not be able to die with dignity, and that what they have that they worked so hard for will be stolen from under them, and the things/money/good thoughts they would like to leave in the will will not be honored. That is why they wanted to do this first. To them its a priority, so if my brother does retaliate in some way, he cannot be rewarded in the end. As for my brother... Granted he now knows he and his GF are being watched, and I have told my brother that if I EVER find out he OR she has touched either one of them again, he will be an extremely unhappy man. I rarely make threats and he knows it, so he is being cautious now, because he doesn't know what I mean to do or what I can do, and so he is avoiding everyone in the house. I have made it a point to quietly talk to my parents friends and neighbors that I know, and talk to them about the situation as well, and they are making a point as well to be around a lot more and check up on my parents. So I have my own spy network going on Things are much better on that front.And for being executor, I have talked it over with my husband, and we have decided that we will be taking on the executors job...my parents are putting him in to be with me on this. We both think its the right thing to do, and if my brother doesn't like it? Too bad. He is already not considered family by me anymore anyway, and if he decides to take off and disown us then even better. We already know it will be a mess, but at least we know going in. Our thoughts are that my parents will be gone, but we will be able to advocate for them even then, and take care of things how they would have wanted. Really, in both our minds, we know realistically it will not be a walk in the park, but my dad is making sure that everything is tied up as tight as he can make them and making it as easy for us to manage as we can. He said that pretty much everything will be in the trust that he can possibly put in. Anyway....I appreciate the info I have gotten, and the concern for my family. I do appreciate the good thoughts It will be taken care of very soon, and my mom is in a better place now mentally about all this as well.
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Jan 26, 2015 19:06
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Disco Salmon posted:<words> IMO, this stuff should be handled very transparently. Your brother is being (should be) written out of the will because he isn't leading a life that your parents can support from an ethical standpoint. Simple. I know family ties makes it less than simple, but dang. Get the will done, get a restraining order, and get him out of there. I hope how your dad is going about it makes it go quickly. That sounds like a horrid situation for them and you to be in. They're in retirement, they shouldn't have to deal with this sort of bullshit! Best wishes, Disco Salmon.
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Jan 26, 2015 19:25
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SiGmA_X posted:Oh, that makes more sense regarding the reverse mortgage. Interesting decision by your grandparents. Agreed. I guess the whole thing was so that we could have some extra moneys for our retirement years, and not worry so much. Personally, I hated the idea as a young woman after my grandad had passed. But now, being older, I can see that it was for the best that it was set up that way. It will really help me in my retirement years to know there is a little something extra. Yup, I *think* that is what is happening...my dad is very into transparency, but for him not to tell me means that he is setting something up that is going to make someone unhappy. That someone being my brother. I don't think they are writing him out, but I am guessing they are cutting him out a lot. I think when they serve the restraining order and evict him off the premises etc they will tell him and let him decide if he wants to be a dick or not. I know my dad is very disappointed in him, and is planning to tell him all the details on *why* things are the way they are when this all goes down. He "truly believes that actions=consequences, and that this will be a hard lesson for him to learn but well, it has to be done." That was a direct quote from my dad, btw. Disco Salmon fucked around with this message at 20:14 on Jan 26, 2015 |
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Jan 26, 2015 20:12
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This has nothing to do with money, but if your parents are settling things, and going through their photos and such, I'd recommend that they sort out their other records and personal papers as well (but I would: I'm an archivist, and regular people's records are my favorites). That would include telling you which organisation, if any, they're leaving their papers to (you, maybe, if you want them, or a university archive or local history society). If there's stuff they've kept (diaries and correspondence especially) that they don't want people to see, they should mark them up for you with the closure period (this is Totally A Thing: basically it means we can't show you that stuff for 10/20/50 years, or whatever) or label them as "to be destroyed". That goes quintuple for sexy-time-vidyas, obviously (I'm sorry!) Ideally, they'd be recording or writing memories for posterity. Oh, yeah, with photos: context, context, context! "Aunt Maud, Uncle Bud, and Jimmy, Napa, 1917" may be meaningful to your dad, but you may need to be flat-out told that Aunt Maud is your father's grandmother's half-sister, Uncle Bud is her husband, and Jimmy is their only son (your great-grandma's favorite nephew), and the picture was taken on the trip they took before Jimmy shipped out to Flanders (where he was killed at the Battle of Belleau Wood) and Bud died in the Spanish flu epidemic, and that's why that photo's important.
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Jan 30, 2015 00:00
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Tremynci posted:This has nothing to do with money, but if your parents are settling things, and going through their photos and such, I'd recommend that they sort out their other records and personal papers as well (but I would: I'm an archivist, and regular people's records are my favorites). That would include telling you which organisation, if any, they're leaving their papers to (you, maybe, if you want them, or a university archive or local history society). If there's stuff they've kept (diaries and correspondence especially) that they don't want people to see, they should mark them up for you with the closure period (this is Totally A Thing: basically it means we can't show you that stuff for 10/20/50 years, or whatever) or label them as "to be destroyed". That goes quintuple for sexy-time-vidyas, obviously (I'm sorry!) Ideally, they'd be recording or writing memories for posterity. Actually, when I moved out, my mom gave me all the old pics and stuff like that to take with me. I have them all labeled and sorted etc. I just love the old pics... its amazing...my paternal grandmother had a pic taken when she was a young woman, I guess mid-20's. So this would be 1920's sometime. I have pics of me at the same age, and in the same position the photos were taken. We looked so much alike its not even funny. I had more than a few people look at them and ask how I got my pic to look all old-timey and stuff I love that stuff...old pics make me all warm and fuzzy inside, and I have a drive to know who is in it doing what and when it was taken and so on. We already donated my grandfaters stuff to the university he graduated from, and the city he was in since the family was a little bit of a big deal back in the day. My grandmothers papers and stuff were donated as well since her family were prominent in that area and basically founded the town. Thanks for the advice there...but I have that definitely all taken care of if nothing else lol Sexy time videos? LOL Um, ya... not going to be there. Parents have a weird relationship....more like roommates rather than a couple if you know what I mean. Separate bedrooms and the whole bit....there aren't any of those videos around I am sure. Besides, my mom would never ever let anyone take a pic of her with clothes on, let alone off lol
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Jan 30, 2015 02:04
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Tremynci posted:This has nothing to do with money, but if your parents are settling things, and going through their photos and such, I'd recommend that they sort out their other records and personal papers as well (but I would: I'm an archivist, and regular people's records are my favorites). That would include telling you which organisation, if any, they're leaving their papers to (you, maybe, if you want them, or a university archive or local history society). If there's stuff they've kept (diaries and correspondence especially) that they don't want people to see, they should mark them up for you with the closure period (this is Totally A Thing: basically it means we can't show you that stuff for 10/20/50 years, or whatever) or label them as "to be destroyed". That goes quintuple for sexy-time-vidyas, obviously (I'm sorry!) Ideally, they'd be recording or writing memories for posterity. Oh man. My moms brother passed away and left all the family history to his daughters. Who threw half of it out and put the rest in a non heated storage unit. While my uncle spent 15+ years compiling this and my mom is huge on genealogy too. My point is, OP, suggest to your parents to name items and recipients in their will.
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Jan 30, 2015 16:16
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Disco Salmon posted:Actually, when I moved out, my mom gave me all the old pics and stuff like that to take with me. I have them all labeled and sorted etc. I just love the old pics... its amazing...my paternal grandmother had a pic taken when she was a young woman, I guess mid-20's. So this would be 1920's sometime. I have pics of me at the same age, and in the same position the photos were taken. We looked so much alike its not even funny. I had more than a few people look at them and ask how I got my pic to look all old-timey and stuff Yay! People like you and your parents make my job easy and fun, and are my favorite researchers!  Disco Salmon posted:Sexy time videos? LOL Um, ya... not going to be there. I mention it because it's come up in a Dear Prudence column, and that's the last thing I wanna have to look at (or worse, have to deal with staff having to look at). You'd be surprised, though: I mean, E.H. Shepard, the ladies' man?! Yeah, totes. No, really. SiGmA_X posted:Oh man. My moms brother passed away and left all the family history to his daughters. Who threw half of it out and put the rest in a non heated storage unit. While my uncle spent 15+ years compiling this and my mom is huge on genealogy too. Well, take comfort in the fact that as long as it's dry, it should be OK: paper likes it cooler than people. I'll see that, and raise with: please, please, for the love of crap, if you have a big family and you have stuff like this, please have the family powwow sooner rather than later. And think about sending things sideways, not down -- better to send it to an archive than have it cause a family war. </biased>
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Jan 31, 2015 01:23
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