Atmus posted:

I have a whole bunch of Pepsi cans I filled with lead, but I don't think that would be a good idea.

mng posted:

The important bit is, why did you fill cans with lead?

canyoneer posted:

Because I felt threatened, OK?

PCOS Bill posted:

Tweet Me Balls posted:

*In an alternate universe set in deceptively modern times, an American scientist sews together a pair of twins without anesthetic, the sounds of his sobs only exceeded by the pained screams of his twisted patients*

Why? Why must I do this in the name of progress?! If only some group of uniformed military psychopaths had undertaken this research in the past, the burden wouldn't have fallen on me!

*The camera pans out and over to a bookshelf, finally coming to rest on the biography of an accomplished painter. The name on the book is strikingly familiar: Adolph Hitler. The scene fades.*

Dissapointed Owl posted:

Oh my god... did he just try to rhyme 'breath' with 'health'?

acephalousuniverse posted:

It's called slant rhyme motherfucker

Dissapointed Owl posted:

Wow, they're called haikus you racist

Wulfolme posted:

watching A Bug's Life off of a dvd(!!!) on an original blue iMac at my dad's office equipment sales office one evening with my sister was a religious experience for me

Smythe posted:

getting sucked off by big boob jessica behind the props shed was a religious experience for me. fag

Smythe posted:

sorry for the derail, and *looks at boss* the delay in the meeting, we'll get back to the agenda in a minute but, *locks eyes with the quoted poster* if a little underweight, low IQ, kyke untermench human being bitch like me can get his dick sucked to sputtering climax by a big titty high school whore, can you loving fathom what kind of loser 'has a religious experience' watching some derivative garbage in some adjunct office to his dads office? does your dad even have a corner office? extremely sad, your small cock, fail life, and poor father. christ

aherdofpenguins posted:

There was a post from SA a while ago that was ridiculously hilarious and had to do getting your cat in shape. It involved throwing it in a tiny cage, spinning it around by its tail, and said something about a cat with amazing glutes. It was goddamned amazing and I thought I saved it but I dunno where it is now. Any ideas?

WarpedNaba posted:

There was a small story involving the heinous performance of some Warplane the Canadians have, and it had this as an explanation as to what the Russians they were tracking were doing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NtB_jvznaNM

Can anyone find it?

WarpedNaba posted:

There was a small story involving the heinous performance of some Warplane the Canadians have, and it had this as an explanation as to what the Russians they were tracking were doing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NtB_jvznaNM

Can anyone find it?

Sizone posted:

Oh, that's right. I forgot that ignore list usage is one of those gbs retard wedge issues. Like how there are human beings who think mutilating a child's genitals for cosmetic reasons is stupid and there are abhorrent monsters who think it's o.k. or even preferable. And like how there are human beings who tip for food service because they realize that it's a weird industry where it's an unfortunately accepted societal norm that workers in that industry are paid poo poo wages and there's a base assumption, in fact, an almost contractual understanding that their wages will be subsidized by tips and there are abhorrent monsters who don't tip. So too, there are human beings who put rapman the cook on their ignore list as he is, pretty much inarguably, the worst poster on the forums while we patiently wait for him to be permabanned and then there are scrub tier abhorrent monsters who scroll through his garbage posts while they wait for him to be permabanned rather than utilize a feature of the forums that does that scrolling for them, automatically, every time he shits onto a keyboard.

raditts posted:

America is so full of haters that they forcibly imported thousands of people just to have people to hate on for generations to come

Chamale posted:

Trochanter posted:

I'll give it a shot:

"Delta One, be advised we're sending in three f-35s for close air support. ETA, twelve minutes."

The knot in Warrant Officer Brown's stomach tightened. The Ford Pinto of the skies was coming to their rescue. They were dead men.

Delta Platoon had formed a perimeter in the town square, winning the hearts and minds of half the Taliban in the province. A routine smash-and-grab for Al-Qaeda's No.2 in Afghanistan du jour had gone wrong when their Black Hawks were shot out from under them. The insurgents had Block 2 Stinger missiles, courtesy of Uncle Sam and the Syrians. The Allies were sending what reinforcements it could, but were held up by IEDs and roadside ambushes. Attempts to send in helicopters were met with the shriek of MANPADS. It was clear Delta wasn't going anywhere unless those Stingers were taken out.

Brown's men had sighted the Taliban with their MANPADS on the roof of a nearby house. "This is Red One, Bombs Away!" crackled Brown's radio. He could hear Danger Zone in the background. He peeked out of cover and scanned the horizon amidst the whizzing bullets and explosions. Where the hell was Red One? An interminable minute passed as the Taliban with their missiles fled into a nearby shop. Moments later an explosion demolished the now-empty building.

"Delta One, this is Red One, executing turn manoeuvre, back in five minutes."

"Red squadron, this is Delta One! Priority targets have moved southeast into a shop."

"Delta One, Red Two here, please give a description of the shop."

"Red Two, It's a brown square building... green sign... it's a bakery!"

"Delta One, how the gently caress am I supposed to find a bakery at thirty thousand feet?!"

Close air support, my rear end, thought Brown. "Look, just bomb the drat intersection, will you?"

A minute later another dull thud and a puff of smoke erupted near the shop.

"Delta One, please confirm target hit."

"Negative, you bombed a school. Full of Canadians."

"YEEE-HAH! Secondary objectives achieved! Returning to base for re-arming, re-fuelling and 2 weeks of maintenance."

A mortar round landed nearby and sent several of his men reeling. Warrant Officer Brown had enough. He screamed into his mike.

"Red Three, listen the gently caress up, you worthless shitheel! You're our last hope here! We are taking CASUALTIES! You NEED to get in closer and KILL these fuckers!"

"OOHRAH OOHRAH OOHRAH 10-4 SEMPER FI THESE COLORS DON'T RUN!"

Oh God. Oh God! I just assumed they were--! I didn't know!

"Negative, negative! Stand down, Marine! Disengage! Remember your training, padawan!" The panic in his voice set his men even farther on edge.

"OOHRAH OOHRAH LEMME SEE YOUR WAR FACE REMEMBER GUADALCANAL gently caress YOU YOU HADJI MOTHERFUCKERS!!"

His commanders tried to talk him down, but it was too late. He was now the few and the proud, fighting the fire golems in his mind. His programming activated, Red Three started down towards the biggest battle he could find - the square Delta Platoon was defending. The Taliban with the missiles held back; this wasn't the first Marine pilot they'd encountered.

"EVERYBODY DOWN! INCOMING MARINE!" shouted Brown. The men that weren't frozen in place dived for the ground with whispered prayers on their lips. They looked up frightfully to see the grim spectre of death bearing down on them, the red veins in his eyes, the KA-BAR in his teeth, the rifle firing wildly from the plane's gunport.

"THIS IS FOR SOAP OOHRAH OOHRAH YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH WE ARE STILL IN THE DESERT" The F-35B slowed and activated its vertical flight system. The wash from the turbine and engine was an encompassing, scorching maelstrom that swept away all the crumbling buildings and unlucky people in its path. It was the finger of God, if God was a psychopathic fuckwit.

Before this grunt-nado there was no escape. The fruits of corporate decadence, military blood-lust and imperial hubris were about to be given to Delta Platoon in their full measure. "Thanks, Obama" muttered Warrant Officer Brown. His world filled with fire and debris, and then he knew no more.

FactsAreUseless posted:

Sounds like you pretty much described it. I think we all get the gist.

quote:

Etherwind posted:
I'll try to remember it in full. It's a worst experience, so it fits in here.

A friend of mine, one of my regular players, borrowed my Call of Cthulhu material and decided he was going to run a game at the gaming society we both attend. This was a bad idea for a couple of reasons, the first being that it's hard to do evocative horror when you have a busy, happy background going on around you (unless you're specifically playing up the social alienation angle). The second, and more important, reason it was a bad idea was because he invited Donnie to play.

Donnie is a good guy. I ran a Blue Rose campaign, he played in it, and it was great fun for all involved. However, Donnie is not a subtle guy, and he's not the sort of guy who can experience horror or exercise fearful judgement when it's required. As evidence toward this, when the group was rolling up reasonable, urbane, ordinary Call of Cthulhu characters, he decided to make a doctor.

With maximum ranks in the "headbutt" skill. More points in "headbutt" than he had in "medicine", and his character was a doctor. My friend convinced him to at least make his "medicine" skill equal to "headbutt", and the game proceeded on track.

You know the old saying, "Give a man a hammer, and everything looks like a nail?" Well, when you turn a man into a hammer, the same thing is true. Donnie tried to headbutt everything even vaguely problematic. It started with a door that wouldn't open, escalated to an ATM (which he scored a critical success against, and landed some free cash) and climaxed with him headbutting a skeleton after stumbling out-

Let's wind it back a bit. During the course of the adventure, when they started encountering horrific skeletons that stalked their every move during the night, the party decided to tool up on weaponry. They visited a mall, broke in, and decided to ransack some of the shops to acquire weapons. Someone got a fire axe from a hardware store. Most got guns from a gun store. Donnie, since he liked fireworks, decided to drive to the local mining supply depot while this was happening, and after headbutting his way into a badly locked supply shack he made off with a backpack full of dynamite.

Eventually they tracked the skeletons down to an old well in the back garden of a manor house, and after a bit of research discovered that it had a cursed stone in at the bottom. Being pro-active, Donnie suggested they lower him into the well with a flashlight and his dynamite, and he'd rig it to blow. It sounded plausible, so they lowered him down with the flashlight and a pistol, and waited until he was in place.

Messing around in the thick mud at the bottom, his flashlight soon failed. Not alarmed, Donnie started feeling around to find the cursed stone, and was in the process of feeling its edges when the cursed blood he was sloshing around in began to form into yet more skeletons, as it was so dark down there it might as well be night. A skeleton grabbed the rope and pulled it down, and then began wrestling with him, dragging him into the mud.

Donnie let out a shout. Up at the top of the well, the rest of the party thought he was asking for the dynamite, and tossed it down. Desperately, Donnie began to headbutt the dynamite, hoping to set it off before the skeleton flayed him alive. Cue the following exchange:

"He's taking a long time down there."
"Can you see what's going on?"
"No, my flashlight isn't working."
"Give me those matches."

The player fumbled and dropped the match, and Donnie simultaneously landed a critical hit with his headbutt.

A massive explosion blew the well to smithereens. Rolling on the resistance table, Donnie survived the initial explosion, was thrown several blocks away, and crashed into some lady's house, breaking his legs. Understandably panicked, the lady called an ambulance, and five minutes later it turned up. At this point Donnie regained consciousness, and rather than be taken to hospital, he held the ambulance crew up with his pistol and stole the ambulance.

Meanwhile, a horrible, rapidly decaying, muddy skeleton made from blood and charred, broken stone clawed its way out of the well in the shadow of the (now wrecked) house and began to advance on the party. Cue a massive combat that grew rapidly more tense, until it was interrupted by the sound of...

Sirens? The ambulance crashed through the fence, ran over the skeleton and screeched to a halt. Donnie, his legs broken, staggered out of the ambulance and fell to the ground, right beside the pinned monster. It proceeded to try and grab him, and he responded the only way he knew how.

With a headbutt.

Edit: and remember, it's Doctor McHeadbutt. He worked long and hard for that PhD in Aggressive Phrenology.

Ruddha posted:

porn for men is cool, because overall it's wanting to see a woman's naked boobs and her butt, but women like things like twilight and fifteen shades of gray, because they like to imagine having sex with monsters

Stupid_Sexy_Flander posted:

One of my favorites from the forums.

ravenkult posted:

Can someone post that GiP quote about them destroying donated books with their butt cheeks or whatever that was.

some closeted jarhead posted:

I have a good story: the day me and my platoon destroyed an entire shipment of books for no good reason. This all happened back on my float. (Marine terminology for MEU deployment)

Back on the float we used to get care packages of books- every once in a while a mail drop would come with a cardboard box full of them that would get passed from berthing to berthing. There were a few boxes going around the ship, every time a new box came in it would get passed through the berthing cycle (mail clerks would always get the box first because they were dicks).

Anyways, we always got the box last. Every loving time, because everyone hated us. So one mail shipment we decided to maraud- and take the new book box for ourselves. The heist was simple, and involved entering the mail room and taking the new box from the clerks. They were busy sorting the mail shipment, and the door was left open- so it was easy for two of us to walk in there, bully the stooge sorting letters, and take the box for ourselves. We eloped back to our berthing where we greedily opened our glittering, cardboard prize with a k-bar.

Inside, was poo poo. We had never actually gotten our hands on a book box before- but it was underwhelming. The contents were, in a word: gay. Science fiction novellas, romances, some flavor-of-the-month paperbacks- it was, aside from a few classics, utterly gay. Setting our sights on the book boxes from afar, when we happened to chance upon them while visitng another berthing, had given us the impression that there would be some real page-turners inside. We were wrong.

So I grabbed a copy of Digital Fortress by Dan Brown, opened it in half, then pulled down my trousers and skivvies and inserted one half between my buttocks.

Let me back up a bit- as I'm sure you require some explanation for why this was my chosen course of action. You see; my rear end, is incredible. My rear-end is oddly enough, shaped like an attractive female's hind. My rear end could be described as: succulent, juicy, bouncy, bubbly, enticing, or even lusty. In case you haven't gotten the point yet: I've got one fat boypussy. If you cropped out the rest of my muscular frame, and were shown an image of only my behind, you would swear it was taken from the centerfold of Black Men Magazine. Needless to say, I didn't get it solely by means of genetics. I've always taken well to exercises of the legs and gluts, and my physiology shows this. My rear end is also incredibly strong, and when I clench it, it's feels like two mounds of titanium. This is why I decided to place the book between these two cheeks of mine.

I placed on half of the book between my cheeks and gripped the other half with both hands. With only the force of my rear end to hold the other end, I yanked as hard as I could until I ripped the fiction novel in half. Right down the binding, it split in two. The rest of the berthing was intrigued. If I could manage it, why shouldn't they?

Hands lept into the book box, grabbing paperbacks for the other Marines' own trials. Cammie trousers and skivvy shorts came off, and soon a total of about twenty marines were standing in the berthing- open books clenched in their buttocks. (This is where the 0_o comes in)

The berthing was silent, but the air contained the palpable energy of concentration. Every once in a while a stifled grunt, or moan could be heard as the men wrestled with their literature. First, a large Puerto Rican Marine managed to split Brother Odd by Steve Koontz, and let out a primal, triumphant scream. Freakonomics was next, then Frankenstein, and then American Psycho. One by one the berthing tore the entire contents of the box to shreds, using nothing but our powerful asses.

After we were done, we threw the ruined books back in the box and forgot about it for the rest of the day. Until a female sailor knocked on our berthing door, and asked for the box. We obliged, and handed her the box full of books- their pages ripped, and moist from our butt-sweat. She and her berthing-mates later attempted to complain to our SgtMaj about the incident, but he knew better than to investigate. One unspoken rule about our MEU: you don't know what goes on in our berthing, and you don't want to know.

So that was one of the more 0_o moments in my military career. Being on a boat for long periods of time can lead to some interesting occurrences.

Met posted:

loving christ.

JiimyPopAli posted:

It has nothing to do with women drivers....it was a bad tranny.

Volume posted:

WarpedNaba posted:

Was this something to do with a bad transmission?

sky shark posted:

Mushroom cloud in Ukraine
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZuQ5EPnSE_4

Supposedly secondaries from Ukraine arty hitting separatist grads and munitions depot

safetyStanddown posted:

time for another humanitarian convoy

ded posted:

i never knew that medicine and food could make such a large explosion

The Warszawa posted:

the thing I love about modern country music is remember when rap's focus on objectifying women and conspicuous consumption was indicative of social pathologies in the black community?

Mel Mudkiper posted:

Stephen King Drinking Game

Step 1. Take a shot every time the protagonist is an alcoholic writer from Maine
Step 2. Call an ambulance

nous_ posted:

I use a GunVault gun safe for most of my home guns, but the particular line I have has a really small keypad. Occasionally I'll hit a wrong key on the keypad (especially at night or if I've had a few) and have to re-enter the code several times, which is really annoying. Obviously not a huge deal if I'm just trying to get to some casual shooting, but if I ever had a break-in, I would need to get to my guns quickly to protect my wife and kids. So I taped over the part of the lock mechanism that clicks in behind the door - now it sounds like the safe is locked, but it can actually just be popped open by anybody.

A Strange Aeon posted:

WarpedNaba posted:

Sounds like a man who's quickly about to run out of kids.

pentyne posted:

- That kid who asked for shotgun ammo advice then killed his friend

Das Boo posted:

How did it come out he murdered them?

quote:

In 2005, William Freund sought advice in the Something Awful gun subforum about purchasing Hevi-Shot brand ammunition[22] several days before embarking on a "shooting rampage", in which he killed two people before committing suicide. Freund had stated in the thread, which was closed before the killing spree, along with his ability to post comments being revoked, that he intended to use the ammunition to defend his Halloween pumpkins from vandals.[23][24]

On September 25, 2007, a forum user posted a thread about a double homicide in Oviedo, Florida that involved an acquaintance.[25] As the thread grew, other forum users eventually found the website of Andrew Allred, who posted on the forums as "Bomber166".[25] The website contained significant details about the victims and the murder;[citation needed] Allred's account was subsequently banned and Allred himself was later arraigned on two counts of homicide, attempted murder and armed burglary.[24] He has since pleaded guilty to the murders of Tiffany Barwick and Michael Ruschack.[26]

Das Boo posted:

How did it come out he murdered them?

Acne Rain posted:

Defending his pumpkins with a shotgun

loving hell