funny jokes!

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Dieting Hippo: Jan 5, 2006; THIS IS NOT A PROPER DIET FOR A HIPPO

you feeling down? comedy central has your back, brother! here's some funny jokes from the source of funny:

the laugh angeles riots posted:

Yo' Mama's so fat, her scale reads "Game Over."

the haha hut posted:

Q: What has six balls and rips you off daily?

A: The lottery.

and the best...drumroll please...

dinners ready! posted:

Two cannibals are eating dinner, and one says, "I hate my mother-in-law."

The other replies, "Well, just eat your noodles then."

what a riot! find some more gold at comedy central's joke slave labor mine and give 'em a share

# ? Jan 28, 2015 10:40

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# ? Apr 18, 2024 04:01

Doctor Shapes: Mar 17, 2009; Ask and ye shall receive.

quote:

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''

i didnt read it but i bet it is very funny

# ? Jan 28, 2015 11:36

social vegan: Nov 7, 2014

# ? Jan 28, 2015 13:33

social vegan: Nov 7, 2014

every time they stopped the clock, she thought that she had stopped aging

# ? Jan 28, 2015 13:33

FreudianSlippers: Apr 12, 2010; Shooting and Fucking
are the same thing!

why do the Polish take stairs to the grocery short?

they're midgets.

# ? Jan 28, 2015 18:57

FreudianSlippers: Apr 12, 2010; Shooting and Fucking
are the same thing!

How many Poles does it take to change a lightbulb?

THEY'RE DUMB

# ? Jan 28, 2015 18:58

Sponge Baathist: Jan 30, 2010; by FactsAreUseless

Three guys walk into a bar

they're black

# ? Jan 29, 2015 09:35

GrrrlSweatshirt: Jun 2, 2012

social vegan posted:

every time they stopped the clock, she thought that she had stopped aging

she toughht she wanst getting older becouse of the clock wasnt moving

# ? Jan 29, 2015 09:38

Orkin Mang: Nov 1, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

congress

# ? Jan 29, 2015 09:39

Junk: Dec 20, 2003; Listen to reason, man. Why make your job difficult?

GrrrlSweatshirt posted:

she toughht she wanst getting older becouse of the clock wasnt moving

# ? Jan 29, 2015 09:40

Junk: Dec 20, 2003; Listen to reason, man. Why make your job difficult?

why does santa claus have 3 gardens?

so he can hoe hoe hoe

# ? Jan 29, 2015 09:46

Lunchmeat Larry: Nov 3, 2012

Heh, nice try, but we're far too ironic here for such plebeian humour as "jokes". Try again when you know what a Tane is.

# ? Jan 29, 2015 09:46

Waltzing Along: Jun 14, 2008; There's only one
Human race
Many faces
Everybody belongs here

remember that thread that was something like tell jokes with serious punchlines. gently caress...i forget what it was but it was great.

# ? Jan 29, 2015 09:50

Good Lord Fisher!: Jul 14, 2006; Groovy!

GrrrlSweatshirt posted:

she toughht she wanst getting older becouse of the clock wasnt moving

so are you saying that whenever the "game clock" stopped counting she erroneously assumed the very fundamental laws of time had ceased to function and she furthermore extrapolated

# ? Jan 29, 2015 09:52

Dieting Hippo: Jan 5, 2006; THIS IS NOT A PROPER DIET FOR A HIPPO

Orkin Mang posted:

congress

Washington Booty Call... First Lady posted:

I cannot tell a lie. Baby, YOU'RE my first lady.

# ? Jan 29, 2015 09:56

GrrrlSweatshirt: Jun 2, 2012

Good Lord Fisher! posted:

so are you saying that whenever the "game clock" stopped counting she erroneously assumed the very fundamental laws of time had ceased to function and she furthermore extrapolated

yea she had a brain problem- her brain wasnt smart enough to know that couldnt happen in real life. its because she was a blonde which theres a thing where if your blonde u act dumb

# ? Jan 29, 2015 09:57

Good Lord Fisher!: Jul 14, 2006; Groovy!

GrrrlSweatshirt posted:

yea she had a brain problem- her brain wasnt smart enough to know that couldnt happen in real life. its because she was a blonde which theres a thing where if your blonde u act dumb

ohhh poo poo i just got it!!

# ? Jan 29, 2015 09:58

Dieting Hippo: Jan 5, 2006; THIS IS NOT A PROPER DIET FOR A HIPPO

Good Lord Fisher! posted:

ohhh poo poo i just got it!!

cause your blonde lol

# ? Jan 29, 2015 09:58

Orkin Mang: Nov 1, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

drives like that

# ? Jan 29, 2015 09:59

Good Lord Fisher!: Jul 14, 2006; Groovy!

Dieting Hippo posted:

cause your blonde lol

huh???

# ? Jan 29, 2015 09:59

GrrrlSweatshirt: Jun 2, 2012

Dieting Hippo posted:

cause your blonde lol

what the fukc would u say that to a person for

# ? Jan 29, 2015 10:00

Good Lord Fisher!: Jul 14, 2006; Groovy!

can somebody break down for me why dieting hippo said i was blonde

# ? Jan 29, 2015 10:03

GrrrlSweatshirt: Jun 2, 2012

Good Lord Fisher! posted:

can somebody break down for me why dieting hippo said i was blonde

sorry im pretty smart (maybe top 10 smartest on the forums) but i dont know

# ? Jan 29, 2015 10:03

Good Lord Fisher!: Jul 14, 2006; Groovy!

GrrrlSweatshirt posted:

sorry im pretty smart (maybe top 10 smartest on the forums) but i dont know

guess i'll never know..............

# ? Jan 29, 2015 10:05

Dieting Hippo: Jan 5, 2006; THIS IS NOT A PROPER DIET FOR A HIPPO

Good Lord Fisher! posted:

can somebody break down for me why dieting hippo said i was blonde

wait for it, wait for it

# ? Jan 29, 2015 10:05

Dieting Hippo: Jan 5, 2006; THIS IS NOT A PROPER DIET FOR A HIPPO

because you are slow like a blonde person

# ? Jan 29, 2015 10:05

GrrrlSweatshirt: Jun 2, 2012

i thought the joke was that they were dumb how does speed figure into it

# ? Jan 29, 2015 10:06

Good Lord Fisher!: Jul 14, 2006; Groovy!

Dieting Hippo posted:

because you are slow like a blonde person

ohhh poo poo!!! i get it now

GrrrlSweatshirt posted:

i thought the joke was that they were dumb how does speed figure into it

wait no now i don't. this is a good point what does speed have to do with blondes??

# ? Jan 29, 2015 10:07

Waltzing Along: Jun 14, 2008; There's only one
Human race
Many faces
Everybody belongs here

GrrrlSweatshirt posted:

sorry im pretty smart (maybe top 10 smartest on the forums) but i dont know

MAYBE

# ? Jan 29, 2015 10:07

GrrrlSweatshirt: Jun 2, 2012

Good Lord Fisher! posted:

ohhh poo poo!!! i get it now

wait no now i don't. this is a good point what does speed have to do with blondes??

apparently the blondes cant run fast and dont know about how time works. hosed up imo

# ? Jan 29, 2015 10:09

spooky girlfriend: Oct 21, 2014

Comedy Central posted:

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

The punchline is her dad is molesting her

# ? Jan 29, 2015 10:11

Good Lord Fisher!: Jul 14, 2006; Groovy!

GrrrlSweatshirt posted:

apparently the blondes cant run fast and dont know about how time works. hosed up imo

wait. WAIT. what if it was meant not as a critique on speed of (physical)) running, but.... on the speed of how fast the brain can work things out???

# ? Jan 29, 2015 10:11

Dieting Hippo: Jan 5, 2006; THIS IS NOT A PROPER DIET FOR A HIPPO

i think its time for some dark...humor

comedy bing bong posted:

Mickey & Donald in a Foxhole

Q: Why did Mickey Mouse get shot?

A: Because Donald ducked.

# ? Jan 29, 2015 10:12

GrrrlSweatshirt: Jun 2, 2012

Good Lord Fisher! posted:

wait. WAIT. what if it was meant not as a critique on speed of (physical)) running, but.... on the speed of how fast the brain can work things out???

sorry this is too much im extremely smart but not that smart

# ? Jan 29, 2015 10:13

The Dennis System: Aug 4, 2014; Nothing in Jurassic World is natural, we have always filled gaps in the genome with the DNA of other animals. And if the genetic code was pure, many of them would look quite different. But you didn't ask for reality, you asked for more teeth.