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HUGE SPACEKABLOOIE
Mar 31, 2010


SEAL THE GATES

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gnarlyhotep
Sep 30, 2008

by Lowtax
Oven Wrangler
release the hounds

BottledBodhisvata
Jul 26, 2013

by Lowtax
Aha! Is this our chance?

liquorlanche
Sep 10, 2014
You'll never escape! The only people who have ever escaped my inescapable fortress were those people that escaped that one time!

liquorlanche fucked around with this message at 20:04 on Feb 20, 2015

Hometown Slime Queen
Oct 26, 2004

the GOAT
*is a bunch of chickens in the street, narrowly misses being trampled*

BAWK AWK BAGAWK AWK AWK AWK BAWK

a hole-y ghost
May 10, 2010

im the guy driving the gasoline tanker that gets upended in the car chase

WHHOOOAA-A! *boom*

Smash it Smash hit
Dec 30, 2009

prettay, prettay
*is the big leering giant that the protagonist befriended earlier on in the movie* Nuh uh uh *waggles finger and tosses guards into a table that collapses*

Jerry Mumphrey
Mar 11, 2004

by zen death robot

(and can't post for 4 years!)

a hole-y ghost posted:

im the guy driving the gasoline tanker that gets upended in the car chase

WHHOOOAA-A! *boom*

i'm the trucker's wife who falls into a crippling depression after his death and lets my small children die of starvation

Flesh Forge
Jan 31, 2011

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY DOG
NO, Mister Protagonist, I expect you to DIE

liquorlanche
Sep 10, 2014
*points* HEY LOOK! I'M OVER THERE!

gnarlyhotep
Sep 30, 2008

by Lowtax
Oven Wrangler
*is thrown over a railing by Slab McLargehuge*

Mr. Merdle
Oct 17, 2007

THE GREAT MANBABY SUCCESSOR

gnarlyhotep posted:

*is thrown over a railing by Slab McLargehuge*

Hometown Slime Queen
Oct 26, 2004

the GOAT
*looks down at protagonist opening coat full of guns*

Oh, shi-

Pot Smoke Phoenix
Aug 15, 2007



Smoke 'em if you gottem!
Dinosaur Gum
**runs around frantically while crazy antics piano music plays**

a hole-y ghost
May 10, 2010

*turns around to see big fucker standing directly in front of face*
Who-a-a-a!!! *windmilling arms, falls off ledge*

Bro Nerd Alpha
Aug 27, 2012

going on pussy patrol

Jerry Mumphrey posted:

i'm the trucker's wife who falls into a crippling depression after his death and lets my small children die of starvation

I'm one of the children that survive and make it my life goal to avenge my trucker fathers life guaranteeing a direct to DVD sequel

Murderion
Oct 4, 2009

2019. New York is in ruins. The global economy is spiralling. Cyborgs rule over poisoned wastes.

The only time that's left is
FUN TIME
0745: Drive to work in unlocked truck full of tarpaulin. Change into jumpsuit.
0800-0830: Briefing - "cover is for sissies and rebel scum"
0830-1045: Patrol laboratory corridors, staring straight ahead and never looking into rooms or behind crates.
1045-1100: Coffee break - stand at breakroom counter with back to the door
1100-1245: Move brightly coloured barrels of pressurized explosive liquid into position on catwalks and sniper towers
1245-1315: Lunch - eat in cafeteria with two other guards, sitting at different tables. Walk outside to smoke, staring dead ahead into the distance.
1315-1445: Patrol warehouse of wooden and metal crates stacked 50ft high. Patrol only ground floor, never looking up.
1445-1500: Break - loudly discuss sensitive information with fellow guard in front of a vent. Walk away in different directions, never looking back.
1500-1530: Training - "snowmobiles and the noble art of kamikaze".
1530-1700: Man guardpost. Make conversation with fellow guard. Approved topics - denigrating our enemies with racist epithets, abuse of women/children, beating prisoners, quality of rations.
1700-1715: Change out of uniform and shower. Leave password for security mainframe in easily picked locker.

I AM GRANDO
Aug 20, 2006

Careful with these new helmets. They knock you out if they touch another helmet even slightly.

snuggle baby luvs hugs
Aug 30, 2005
*takes long puff of pipe*

*takes another*

"gently caress the man, son"

a hole-y ghost
May 10, 2010

*is exactly as skilled at gunfights/car chases as the extra who plays him*

Zzulu
May 15, 2009

(▰˘v˘▰)
this is what i look like when i shoot at the protagonist

gnarlyhotep
Sep 30, 2008

by Lowtax
Oven Wrangler

Zzulu posted:

this is what i look like when i shoot at the protagonist



lol

Pistol_Pete
Sep 15, 2007

Oven Wrangler

Robo Reagan posted:

actually they were heavy to you because you're a noodley armed nerd but if you were a big buff mercenary bro who actually used that poo poo it wouldn't be as much a problem

see also: armor

Hey, I'd always imagined a polearm to be something like a broomstick with a kitchen knife sellotaped to the end. These bastards were loving 2.5 inch fenceposts with a great lump of steel riveted to them and they weighed a loving ton. I now know where I stand in the sword vs polearm debate: swords are a lot loving easier to wave around when you're charging something.


*Guards run at protagonist, who's stood on a narrow bridge over a bottomless chasm*

*Get knocked over the edge, one by one. No, we don't have any bows and arrows to shoot him from a distance, as would be sensible.*

PlotDevice
Oct 10, 2007

*For the Ghost Who Flies Through Space
*pulls a knife on the hero*

*20 seconds later is being stabbed with my own knife*

Pistol_Pete
Sep 15, 2007

Oven Wrangler

PlotDevice posted:

*pulls a knife on the hero*

*20 seconds later is being stabbed with my own knife*


Hours later, in a poor district of the city...

"mommy, when's daddy coming home?"

"soon, sweetie, he told us he'd be working late tonight. He's doing jobs for the Emperor himself now, you know! And guess what... He's told me, after tonight's work, he'll be able to afford that pony you've always wanted!"

"oh boy! I can't wait to see him again, mommy!"

Pot Smoke Phoenix
Aug 15, 2007



Smoke 'em if you gottem!
Dinosaur Gum
**introduces a new character with a vibrant background and kills them off just as you were starting to like them**

liquorlanche
Sep 10, 2014
*Is standing nonchalant next to a revolving door as the guard runs circles*

coolskull
Nov 11, 2007

*shot with three tranquilizer darts, falls asleep immediately*

*wakes up from kick in stomach*

JiveHonky
May 12, 2001

by zen death robot
Grimey Drawer
*hero parkours up to second floor window and bursts in.*

*brothel ladies are in various states of undress lounging around*

"HA HA. EXCUSE ME LADIES!" *WINK*

*ladies screaming and covering they bosoms as hero jauntily ducks and dodges through the room*

*but then they realise he is handsome and now they clutching at him "no, don't leave!"*

*hero pauses*

cut to guards searching brothel

you know the rest he is dressed as one of the ladies and the guards eventually figure it out after some comedy and he bonks one of them on the head and jumps back out the window.

in the next scene he is running along and somehow is back in his normal clothes again.

then we find out later that the evil duke burned down the brothel and had all the whores that helped the hero executed for treason.

they bodies are hung on the outside walls of the city as a message to any who would be foolish enough to aid our hero.

it's all very game of thrones.

gnarlyhotep
Sep 30, 2008

by Lowtax
Oven Wrangler
*can't remember if the chalice from the palace has the pellet with the poison or not*

ChrisHansen
Oct 28, 2014

Suck my damn balls.
Lipstick Apathy
*visual field consists of a forty five degree arc that the hero is constantly aware of*

Doppelganger
Oct 11, 2002

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger
*holds up a newspaper in front of his face like he's reading it just before the guards run up*

*points* He went that way.

AKA Pseudonym
May 16, 2004

A dashing and sophisticated young man
Doctor Rope

Doppelganger posted:

I'm SURROUNDED by imbeciles!

You hired us, you trained us, you manage all day-to-day functions and establish the procedures we work by.

I recognize that I'm not perfect. I walked into the cell slowly peering around in confusion instead of just looking up. That was a mistake and I own that.

But I'm just a single minion. You need to acknowledge your own role here and own up to the fact that you are ultimately responsible.

timp
Sep 19, 2007

Everything is in my control
Lipstick Apathy

AKA Pseudonym posted:

You hired us, you trained us, you manage all day-to-day functions and establish the procedures we work by.

I recognize that I'm not perfect. I walked into the cell slowly peering around in confusion instead of just looking up. That was a mistake and I own that.

But I'm just a single minion. You need to acknowledge your own role here and own up to the fact that you are ultimately responsible.

damn horror queefs
Oct 14, 2005

say hello
say hello to the man in the elevator

gnarlyhotep posted:

*can't remember if the chalice from the palace has the pellet with the poison or not*


its in the vessel with the pestle u fukkin noob drat


edit: both guards get decapitated seconds later while arguing about poison with their backs turned.

damn horror queefs fucked around with this message at 21:54 on Feb 20, 2015

Mr. Merdle
Oct 17, 2007

THE GREAT MANBABY SUCCESSOR

SELL THE GATES!

damn horror queefs
Oct 14, 2005

say hello
say hello to the man in the elevator
don't worry boss i am slavman strongovich i will beat handsome aryan hero.

HA HA your punches are useless against my muscle body

n-no, my one weakness -- kicked in the pierogies...

Doppelganger
Oct 11, 2002

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger
*is an enormously fat woman who the timid, nebbish protagonist collides with during his escape, causing his face to land right in her cleavage*

"How DARE you!" *throws protagonist like a lawn dart*

Bhodi
Dec 9, 2007

Oh, it's just a cat.
Pillbug
Noooo, my awkwardly placed fruit cart!

*fruit goes everywhere*

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PlotDevice
Oct 10, 2007

*For the Ghost Who Flies Through Space
*Is kicked into convenient vat of liquid nitrogen by hero*

*Last conscious moment is being told to "chill out!" by a smug prick while painfully freezing*

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