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I used to work at a frozen yogurt place and I can tell you an industry secret: Frozen yogurt is literally just normal ice cream.
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Mar 9, 2015 15:15
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One time, working as a spy for the CIA, my unit was given the task to successfully learn if to suck our own dicks. Autofellatio they called it. They shipped us to India to become more flexible by training with skilled yoga masters. We spent years their slowly getting our lips closer to our peens. Finally, when it came time to demonstrate our abilities in a no-drill, live ammo mission in [redacted], I watched three of my brother's break their necks and one choke to death sucking their own dicks. I was the elite spy in the group, so I made it out without a scratch. I tossed my own salad to survive.
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Mar 9, 2015 15:16
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Beef Turret posted:Lol, if true Pretty sure it is, but at this point AppleWhite must have exhausted all his retail stories, right?
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Mar 9, 2015 15:16
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gary oldmans diary posted:this reminds me of the time the boss made me clean up a puddle of piss by rolling around in it wearing my street clothes and then he and customers walking by surrounded and pissed on me while i rolled and wailed on the floor nother day, nother dollar
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Mar 9, 2015 15:19
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Applewhite posted:500lbs of bread is just as heavy as 500lbs of stone
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Mar 9, 2015 15:22
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open container posted:Pretty sure it is, but at this point AppleWhite must have exhausted all his retail stories, right? Not by a long shot. Like the time I was working at The Container Store and a customer came to me all in a tizzy about "something horrible." I got her to calm down and take me to the problem: there was a huge dead rat inside one of the Tupperware containers! It turned out one of the girls working the weekend shift had somehow caught it in there and was too scared to throw it out, so she hid it on the shelf behind a bunch of similar containers. The rat was unable to escape and suffocated to death. Luckily, thanks to Tupperware's patented airtight seal system, it didn't even smell!
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Mar 9, 2015 15:23
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Applewhite posted:Not by a long shot. 
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Mar 9, 2015 15:25
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I used to work at a store selling pool chemicals and we have giant vats in our backroom for storing liquid chlorine that we sell. They're huge rear end things that are about a story tall and probably could fill a pool full of chlorine by itself. A tanker truck comes by every week or so and tops us off. Somebody always has to be around when they're doing this to make sure they don't under or over fill the vat and other safety reasons. Well one day we put a new guy in charge and he doesn't get why he has to stand there and basically watch a hose. He decides to gently caress off on lunch and not tell anybody. 15 minutes later we hear a loud bang and this big loving rushing sound that sounded like the sea coming in. I look over and there's chlorine seeping underneath the door and it smells like loving world war I. We throw down whatever towels and cloths we got to keep the poo poo from coming into the store. We run into the warehouse and it's loving chlorine everywhere. Walter is standing like a jack rear end with a his shirt collar over his nose. Turns out the tank overfilled and the pressure from the pump injecting chlorine caused the pipe to explode right at the tank and caused it to rupture. loving gallons upon gallons of chlorine spilt out, into the warehouse. Would have been just a health and safety incident but the strip mall we work at backs out on to a ravine so all the chlorine went into the river and killed all the fish for a few miles downstream. Walter got fired, we got a new manager and the store somehow stayed open.
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Mar 9, 2015 15:25
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Back when I was working at Borders Bookstore, whenever a customer had a difficult question I'd tell him I was "going down to the basement" but actually I was just hiding under my desk until they went away.
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Mar 9, 2015 15:32
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Applewhite posted:Back when I was working at Borders Bookstore, whenever a customer had a difficult question I'd tell him I was "going down to the basement" but actually I was just hiding under my desk until they went away. Did you do that trick where it looks like you're walking down a flight of stairs behind the desk too or did you move out all the plastic bags and boxes under the desk and crawl inside?
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Mar 9, 2015 15:38
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One day when I wore a red shirt into Target an old lady wanted to get a lego set for her grandson but the one she wanted was out, so she asked me to check in the back for it. Because she's old I obliged her and went and smoked two cigarettes and then came back and told her I don't loving work here you old bitch.
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Mar 9, 2015 15:40
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We had a fat nerd customer come into Borders one time complaining that the Prima Official Strategy Guide he'd bought for Metal Gear Solid was inaccurate and demanded his money back. I told him I'd have to go down to the basement to get his refund, then crawled away on my elbows and knees to hide in the utility closet until he left. Unfortunately, he was really serious about the refund, so after a few minutes of waiting for me to come back up, he got impatient and started hassling the other employees and telling them to "go down to the basement" to "get the guy who has my refund." When they informed him the store didn't have a basement, he started to flip out and call them liars. Our manager came out and put a hand on his shoulder, asking him to "calm down" but the fat nerd guy swung on him. It didn't connect, but he followed it up by getting into a slap fight with one of the other workers. Th manager grabbed him from behind by looping his elbows under the guy's armpits, and the guy starts howling and wheezing. He screams that he's having an asthma attack and falls down on all fours, clutching at his throat. At that point I came out of my hiding place at that point and walk up to the back of the gathered crowd as if I'd just gotten there. He sees me and starts to point and gasp (he can't talk because of his asthma attack), but the manager thinks he's just pointing at one of the customers and calls security to haul the guy away. In all the commotion I guess the guy also poo poo himself because as he was being escorted out of the store by security he had a huge brown stain on the back of his trousers. Fuckin' loser lol. Applewhite fucked around with this message at 15:49 on Mar 9, 2015 |
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Mar 9, 2015 15:47
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Testikles posted:Did you do that trick where it looks like you're walking down a flight of stairs behind the desk too or did you move out all the plastic bags and boxes under the desk and crawl inside? Both. I'd do the walking thing and then crawl inside the desk once I was out of sight (in case the customer looked over the desk to see where I went).
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Mar 9, 2015 15:49
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I had one lady happily tell me she gave her 3 year old wine. So much that he had a favorite. I thought she was joking so I said oh yeah my son loves "whine" too. She got all wide eyed and excited thinking I was serious.
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Mar 9, 2015 15:52
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Frog Act posted:when i worked retail an old lady shat on the floor and my shift manager tried to ask me to pick it up but i said i needed a raise, $50 on the spot, or a bag of weed and she just did it herself. this happened to me when i worked retail but my manager rubbed my face in it and some went in my mouth Applewhite posted:We had a fat nerd customer come into Borders one time complaining that the Prima Official Strategy Guide he'd bought for Metal Gear Solid was inaccurate and demanded his money back. Lol
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Mar 9, 2015 15:52
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Applewhite posted:We had a fat nerd customer come into Borders one time complaining that the Prima Official Strategy Guide he'd bought for Metal Gear Solid was inaccurate and demanded his money back. 
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Mar 9, 2015 15:54
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lol
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Mar 9, 2015 15:55
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Applewhite posted:We had a fat nerd customer come into Borders one time complaining that the Prima Official Strategy Guide he'd bought for Metal Gear Solid was inaccurate and demanded his money back. Advanced CQC death feigning
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Mar 9, 2015 15:57
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So glad I've never worked retail.
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Mar 9, 2015 15:58
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It's OK, I used to make coffee for the public. I'd pee in it and brew coffee for years. So there is a large group of the public that have drank my pee coffee.
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Mar 9, 2015 16:01
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redshirt posted:So glad I've never worked retail. I did for about 3 months. Had sex with the fellow employee who was my age which angered the manager who was 8 years older than us and also a substitute teacher because he wanted to have sex with her... did I mention I was 16 at the time? Anyway, got fired. But still had sex. I count that as a win.
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Mar 9, 2015 16:01
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Applewhite posted:I used to work at a frozen yogurt place and I can tell you an industry secret: joey vapes has returned to lead us from our wanderings. welcome back joey. TELL US OF THE MOTEL 6.
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Mar 9, 2015 16:03
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Sizone posted:joey vapes has returned to lead us from our wanderings. welcome back joey. TELL US OF THE MOTEL 6. how dare u
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Mar 9, 2015 16:06
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When I worked at Motel 6 I had a guy come in and want to rent a room for the night, and he said he had a coupon for a free night if he bought one. The coupon was from Motel 5 (which I didn't even know was a thing) and I had to get my manager to OK it. Turns out Motel 6 is Motel 5 in Britain (and Motel 4 in France, Motel 3 in Germany, etc.). We let him use the coupon.
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Mar 9, 2015 16:07
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SquadronROE posted:When I worked at Motel 6 I had a guy come in and want to rent a room for the night, and he said he had a coupon for a free night if he bought one. The coupon was from Motel 5 (which I didn't even know was a thing) and I had to get my manager to OK it. Turns out Motel 6 is Motel 5 in Britain (and Motel 4 in France, Motel 3 in Germany, etc.). We let him use the coupon. Which country is Motel 1? Also, is there a Motel 7??
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Mar 9, 2015 16:08
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Applewhite posted:Which country is Motel 1? Just follow the pattern, it's easy. Motel 1 is in Spain. Motel 7 is reserved for future use I think. Gotta wait for a new country.
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Mar 9, 2015 16:10
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When I was working at a Coldstone Creamery, we would sometimes run out of white ice cream so I would substitute pale yellow ice cream and customers could almost never tell the difference.
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Mar 9, 2015 16:17
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I'm walking through this pile of pisd and poo poo just to spite you.
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Mar 9, 2015 16:18
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Two Ton 21 posted:It's OK, I used to make coffee for the public. I'd pee in it and brew coffee for years. My pee story from an earlier retail thread: Applewhite posted:I used to work as a perfume spritzer and we were only allocated two bottles of perfume for the whole day. If you ran out before your hours were up you weren't paid for the rest of the day. What me and my coworkers used to do is whenever the bottle was down to half full we would go to the restrooms and top them off with pee to make them last longer.
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Mar 9, 2015 16:19
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When I was working at a Harley Dealership, we used to get bonuses based on how badass the motorcycle we sold was contrasted against how much of a pussy bitch the buyer was.
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Mar 9, 2015 16:27
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I actually liked working at Coldstone Creamery because on hot days the manager there would let us put our bare feet on the refrigerated stones to cool off if there were no customers. One customer got Athlete's Mouth but that was an isolated incident.
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Mar 9, 2015 16:40
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General Admin seating at any show heavier than say Hootie & The Blowfish, yeah someone is pissin or puking or making GBS threads on the floor for sure
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Mar 9, 2015 17:00
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this one time at Target I walked in on my manager playing a recording there were screams and bones snapping and a guy saying "liberate, tutume, ex inferis" over and over again and he turned around to look at me but he couldnt because he didnt have any eyes and then he vivisected my coworker with a butter knife right there
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Mar 9, 2015 17:09
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WINNINGHARD posted:this one time at Target I walked in on my manager playing a recording there were screams and bones snapping and a guy saying "liberate, tutume, ex inferis" over and over again and he turned around to look at me but he couldnt because he didnt have any eyes and then he vivisected my coworker with a butter knife right there I loving hated working at Target.
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Mar 9, 2015 17:14
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The worst part of working at Target was lying to the police every time a customer went missing.
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Mar 9, 2015 17:15
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I used to work for Jamba Juice. Whenever we ran out of that special grass for our smoothies, we'd just run out and pick some wild grass from alongside the highway.
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Mar 9, 2015 17:23
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capitalist pig
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Mar 9, 2015 17:23
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WINNINGHARD posted:this one time at Target I walked in on my manager playing a recording there were screams and bones snapping and a guy saying "liberate, tutume, ex inferis" over and over again and he turned around to look at me but he couldnt because he didnt have any eyes and then he vivisected my coworker with a butter knife right there Were you confused because at first you thought he was asking you to save him from Hell?
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Mar 9, 2015 17:30
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One thing I had to deal with a lot at Kroger was shoplifters. One of the most common things people did was to snack on chips while they were still in the store, then put the half-empty bag back on the shelf. It got so bad that finally my manager came to me and told me to come up with a solution. So what I did was I went out to the cow pasture across the road from the store and filled a few plastic bags full of dried cow chips (For you city folks, "cow chips" is what we in rural America call cow poo poo) We emptied out a few bags of various chip brands and filled them up with the cow poo poo, then closed the tops back up with our sealing machine. We marked the bags that had been booby trapped so the cashiers would know what was up and stop people from buying them by accident. It wasn't long before we got a customer running up to us to complain about the "weird taste" of our chips, but all we did was laugh in his face and have him escorted off the property. We sighted a few other would-be shoplifters shamefacedly slinking out of the store with brown stains around their mouths for a few days, but it didn't take long for people to get wise and stop stealing chips. I got employee of the month for my solution 
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Mar 9, 2015 18:10
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No lie, in rural SC they put a Target up in the upstate (some weird place too, there really wasn't enough people there to justify it). For about 6 months afterwards they had to replace the sign weekly because someone would take shots at it.
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Mar 9, 2015 18:14
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