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Back when I was working at Kroger's, we had a load of dairy products go bad on us because of a power outage. This was over the weekend so we didn't know until we showed up on Monday and we had a half ton of rancid milk and yogurt stinking up our warehouse. In their infinite wisdom, the managers assigned the stupidest guy at the store to get rid of it (let's call him "Shithead McGee" to protect his identity). So Shithead McGee is told to take all the stuff and throw it in the dumpsters out back. He loads it all up on the forklift and disappears. Maybe fifteen minutes later this terrible smell starts pouring out of all the vents. It's so bad, customers start to complain and one guy is so disgusted, he upchucks all over the meat counter (which is where I was working when all this went down). The guy throwing up was like some kind of signal for everyone to start vomiting, and pretty soon every single customer is a walking fountain of puke. The walls, the floor, the shelves, everything was soon covered in a layer of vomit and bile. Of course that adds to the already intensely terrible smell, which got so bad it actually set off the fire alarms and sprinkler system. People are slipping and sliding around in the vomit and sprinkler water, and the strobing lights made one of our customers go into a seizure. I had to give him my wallet to bite down on until the ambulance arrived, but as soon as the EMTs got in the door they started throwing up and slipping all over the place, so they had to call in some HASMAT suits before they could even get in to rescue us. Of course I end up on the front page of the news that day with vomit all over my clothes and also blood from working behind the meat counter. It turns out that what Shithead McGee thought was a "dumpster" was actually the air conditioning intake for the store. We had to close down for two weeks while they cleaned out the vents and even four years later the store still has a faint odor of vomit and sour milk.
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Mar 9, 2015 13:41
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I used to work at a Planter's store For those of you who don't know, "Planters" as in Planter's Nuts. Between 1998-2001 they actually had a chain of specialty shops that only sold nuts and other Planter's snack products. I worked behind the nut bar there. The nut bar was like an old timey candy counter only instead of glass tubes full of jellybeans it was glass tubes full of nuts. You could order custom party mixes and we would mix them up right in front of you and put them in a paper sack to take home. 10 times a day we'd get people asking us if the products we were selling contained nuts.
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Mar 9, 2015 13:54
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Once, when I was working at the Victoria's Secret store, we had some Swedish freak boob model come in (she was like a JJJ cup) and she needed a custom fitted bra. Of course all the guys in the store wanted to do her measurements so we went into the back room to work out who'd get to do it. The argument got so heated we actually came to blows about it. People were throwing punches and kicking and everything. We beat each other up so bad we all had to get sent home and one of the female clerks tended to the model instead.
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Mar 9, 2015 14:30
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open container posted:no way Way
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Mar 9, 2015 14:32
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Another time when I was still at Kroger's we had a customer try to ride his dirtbike into the store and I told him he had to leave it outside but got overruled by my manager because "it's not that much different than letting people ride the scooter carts around." It turned out to be a bad idea because the dirtbike guy tried to do a wheelie in the frozen foods aisle and ended up getting thrown off his bike backwards through a glass freezer case. He survived thanks to his helmet but his chest and shoulders were cut up pretty bad by the broken glass. When he sued the store it was the best day of my life because I got to testify against my idiot manager and he got fired.
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Mar 9, 2015 14:44
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There was a whole week at the Krogers where we didn't have any bread because Shithead McGee and a couple other idiots used it all up to make a fort. My other manager who wasn't an idiot found out and stormed into the back room to yell at them. They wouldn't come out of the fort so he started kicking the sides and punching the walls in frustration. This turned out to be a mistake because of course the whole fort collapsed on top of him and the three idiots. It turns out 500lbs of bread is just as heavy as 500lbs of stone and my manager got crushed to death by an avalanche of Honey Wheat and Pumpernickel. Of course Shithead McGee and his friends walk out of the wreckage completely unscathed.
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Mar 9, 2015 14:52
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That reminds me of my time working at PetsMart. We once had a customer who dropped off her Pomeranian to get a bath and it accidentally drowned in the tub. Luckily we had another Pomeranian in our kennel, so we gave it a bath really quick and put the dead dog's collar on it. When the customer came back for her dog we were worried she would notice the switch, but nope! She complemented us on our good job and even gave us a generous tip.
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Mar 9, 2015 15:06
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I used to work at a frozen yogurt place and I can tell you an industry secret: Frozen yogurt is literally just normal ice cream.
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Mar 9, 2015 15:15
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open container posted:Pretty sure it is, but at this point AppleWhite must have exhausted all his retail stories, right? Not by a long shot. Like the time I was working at The Container Store and a customer came to me all in a tizzy about "something horrible." I got her to calm down and take me to the problem: there was a huge dead rat inside one of the Tupperware containers! It turned out one of the girls working the weekend shift had somehow caught it in there and was too scared to throw it out, so she hid it on the shelf behind a bunch of similar containers. The rat was unable to escape and suffocated to death. Luckily, thanks to Tupperware's patented airtight seal system, it didn't even smell!
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Mar 9, 2015 15:23
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Back when I was working at Borders Bookstore, whenever a customer had a difficult question I'd tell him I was "going down to the basement" but actually I was just hiding under my desk until they went away.
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Mar 9, 2015 15:32
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We had a fat nerd customer come into Borders one time complaining that the Prima Official Strategy Guide he'd bought for Metal Gear Solid was inaccurate and demanded his money back. I told him I'd have to go down to the basement to get his refund, then crawled away on my elbows and knees to hide in the utility closet until he left. Unfortunately, he was really serious about the refund, so after a few minutes of waiting for me to come back up, he got impatient and started hassling the other employees and telling them to "go down to the basement" to "get the guy who has my refund." When they informed him the store didn't have a basement, he started to flip out and call them liars. Our manager came out and put a hand on his shoulder, asking him to "calm down" but the fat nerd guy swung on him. It didn't connect, but he followed it up by getting into a slap fight with one of the other workers. Th manager grabbed him from behind by looping his elbows under the guy's armpits, and the guy starts howling and wheezing. He screams that he's having an asthma attack and falls down on all fours, clutching at his throat. At that point I came out of my hiding place at that point and walk up to the back of the gathered crowd as if I'd just gotten there. He sees me and starts to point and gasp (he can't talk because of his asthma attack), but the manager thinks he's just pointing at one of the customers and calls security to haul the guy away. In all the commotion I guess the guy also poo poo himself because as he was being escorted out of the store by security he had a huge brown stain on the back of his trousers. Fuckin' loser lol. Applewhite fucked around with this message at 15:49 on Mar 9, 2015 |
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Mar 9, 2015 15:47
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Testikles posted:Did you do that trick where it looks like you're walking down a flight of stairs behind the desk too or did you move out all the plastic bags and boxes under the desk and crawl inside? Both. I'd do the walking thing and then crawl inside the desk once I was out of sight (in case the customer looked over the desk to see where I went).
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Mar 9, 2015 15:49
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SquadronROE posted:When I worked at Motel 6 I had a guy come in and want to rent a room for the night, and he said he had a coupon for a free night if he bought one. The coupon was from Motel 5 (which I didn't even know was a thing) and I had to get my manager to OK it. Turns out Motel 6 is Motel 5 in Britain (and Motel 4 in France, Motel 3 in Germany, etc.). We let him use the coupon. Which country is Motel 1? Also, is there a Motel 7??
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Mar 9, 2015 16:08
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When I was working at a Coldstone Creamery, we would sometimes run out of white ice cream so I would substitute pale yellow ice cream and customers could almost never tell the difference.
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Mar 9, 2015 16:17
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Two Ton 21 posted:It's OK, I used to make coffee for the public. I'd pee in it and brew coffee for years. My pee story from an earlier retail thread: Applewhite posted:I used to work as a perfume spritzer and we were only allocated two bottles of perfume for the whole day. If you ran out before your hours were up you weren't paid for the rest of the day. What me and my coworkers used to do is whenever the bottle was down to half full we would go to the restrooms and top them off with pee to make them last longer.
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Mar 9, 2015 16:19
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When I was working at a Harley Dealership, we used to get bonuses based on how badass the motorcycle we sold was contrasted against how much of a pussy bitch the buyer was.
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Mar 9, 2015 16:27
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I actually liked working at Coldstone Creamery because on hot days the manager there would let us put our bare feet on the refrigerated stones to cool off if there were no customers. One customer got Athlete's Mouth but that was an isolated incident.
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Mar 9, 2015 16:40
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WINNINGHARD posted:this one time at Target I walked in on my manager playing a recording there were screams and bones snapping and a guy saying "liberate, tutume, ex inferis" over and over again and he turned around to look at me but he couldnt because he didnt have any eyes and then he vivisected my coworker with a butter knife right there I loving hated working at Target.
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Mar 9, 2015 17:14
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The worst part of working at Target was lying to the police every time a customer went missing.
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Mar 9, 2015 17:15
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I used to work for Jamba Juice. Whenever we ran out of that special grass for our smoothies, we'd just run out and pick some wild grass from alongside the highway.
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Mar 9, 2015 17:23
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One thing I had to deal with a lot at Kroger was shoplifters. One of the most common things people did was to snack on chips while they were still in the store, then put the half-empty bag back on the shelf. It got so bad that finally my manager came to me and told me to come up with a solution. So what I did was I went out to the cow pasture across the road from the store and filled a few plastic bags full of dried cow chips (For you city folks, "cow chips" is what we in rural America call cow poo poo) We emptied out a few bags of various chip brands and filled them up with the cow poo poo, then closed the tops back up with our sealing machine. We marked the bags that had been booby trapped so the cashiers would know what was up and stop people from buying them by accident. It wasn't long before we got a customer running up to us to complain about the "weird taste" of our chips, but all we did was laugh in his face and have him escorted off the property. We sighted a few other would-be shoplifters shamefacedly slinking out of the store with brown stains around their mouths for a few days, but it didn't take long for people to get wise and stop stealing chips. I got employee of the month for my solution 
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Mar 9, 2015 18:10
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Hitlers Gay Secret posted:Applewhite, where are all your black co-workers during this? Is Shithead McGee one of you black co-workers you were talking about before? No, Shithead McGee was actually white. I did have a Black coworker back when I worked at Radio Shack. It was kind of funny/sad because whenever customers were looking for help, they'd go right past him and ask one of the white employees. If he was their only choice, they'd usually just pretend there was no problem until a white employee came into view. The most memorable example of Radioshack customers being racist fucks was one day when I was working the register, and a customer in there to buy a single AAA battery was giving me his mailing address. As the customer is talking, the Black guy comes out of the back, and the customer's voice suddenly goes way down low so I can barely hear it. I ask the customer to speak up, and he casts a very obviously suspicious glance over at the Black guy before raising his volume like a tenth of a decibel. I had to have him repeat it like ten times. He tried to get out of it, but I told him I couldn't sell him the battery without his home address. It was only after the Black employee left that the customer started talking in a normal volume. I guess he didn't want the Black guy knowing where he lived or something. Now, I was actually friends with the Black guy because he was pretty much the only cool employee there, and he and I both agreed that this customer had been way out of line. So, that night we put on ski masks and drove to the racist customer's house. As luck would have it, the racist customer was still out, and had left his wife home alone, so me and the black guy walked up to the front door and rang the doorbell. As soon as she answered, the Black guy took out his dick. You know, just to scare her (which was our plan). But, far from being scared, she drops her panties right there on the porch and the Black guy and I give each other this look like "okay" and five seconds later we are inside doing a spitroast on her. We ran her through like four different positions before her husband pulled up out front and we had to go over the back fence to get away. We'd show up and bang his wife together every couple of weeks after that, especially after a hard week and we had a lot of frustration to get out, but it was never as magical as that first time.
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Mar 9, 2015 23:31
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So, I used to work at one of the short lived Zune Stores that Microsoft created to compete with Apple back when Zune was a thing. Zunes were actually better than iPods but, like Betamax, their marketing sucked and everyone knew they were doomed from the start. Anyway, we'd always have customers come in for no other reason than to make fun of us for selling Zunes, and their mocking was so frequent/harsh that people who were actually in there to buy a Zune got driven away. We were powerless to do anything about it, though, because it's not against the law to say mean things and mall security won't remove a customer from the store unless he is being very disruptive or dangerous (or shoplifting, of course). Anyway, we were getting pretty sick of these guys, when one day we're going by the Apple store and we recognize a bunch of the guys behind the genius bar as the rear end in a top hat customers who'd been giving us a hard time! We all knew what we had to do. A bunch of us showed up at the Apple store in our street clothes, and popped a squat right there in the middle of the store. We poo poo all over the floor and also urinated on as many products as we could before hightailing it out of there. We all got banned from the mall forever of course, but it was worth it because there was never an Apple store in that mall again. In fact, there was never another Apple product in that mall again. It turns out the security footage of our little escapade went viral and so Steve Jobs personally blacklisted the entire mall. If you're ever in Michigan and you come across a mall that strangely sells no Apple products whatsoever, now you know why.
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Mar 9, 2015 23:44
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frank.club posted:Applewhite is v industrious No I just get fired a lot. The worst time I got fired was definitely from the sex shoppe where I used to work. You see, this was a small, relatively conservative town, so business was kind of slow (believe it or not, not everybody in these sleepy towns is a secret pervert). We had our own steady trickle of regular customers and every so often some timid new customer would peek their head through the door only to be scared off by a dildo or something, then come back a week later wearing a disguise. Anyway, I had a lot of downtime, so of course I spent it wisely: writing an erotic novel. I finished it in under three months, but of course I don't own a printer (I work in a sex store, lol, I can;t afford that poo poo) so I used my lunch break to go over to the Kinkos that was in the same strip mall complex as us. As I'm printing my story, the manager comes up behind me and lays a heavy hand on my shoulder. He spins me around and is like "what the gently caress do you think you're doing?" I'm like "just printing stuff out." "Not dressed like that you're not!" he bellows. I look down and I realize for the first time that I'm still wearing thigh high fishnet stockings, a corset and black panties. I looked like Doctor Frankenfurter from Rocky Horror picture show! :bigtran: It's part of store policy to model our products for our customers, and I'd grown so accustomed to wearing the outfit that I completely forgot I had it on! Naturally the manager chased me out of the store. I left in such a hurry that I forgot my story was still on the printer. That night, just as we're about to close, an angry mob shows up at the door, and they've got cops with them!   Turns out homosexual erotica is illegal in the state where I was working, but I hadn't used my real name on the story, so the police were there to arrest all the store employees. Not before they turned their backs while the crowd had a little fun with us, though. We got hauled out into the street and had the poo poo beat out of us while the rest of the mob trashed the store. I remember my boss spitting out a mouthful of blood and teeth and saying to me "Applewhite, you're fired!" before getting kicked in the balls so hard he threw up. lol, I felt like such an idiot 
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Mar 10, 2015 00:25
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Hustlin Floh posted:I worked at Dick's and every week or so a customer would get angry that we didn't sell dicks so I'd take mine out and offer it but every time they just laughed and one time a muscle woman threw me through the kayak display and whaled on my balls with a set of ankle weights. My dick-related story from another thread: Applewhite posted:When I was working at a butt store, a customer walked in and demanded to buy a dick! Can you believe that? I told him "sir, you are aware this is a butt store, right?" and he was all "young man, I'll have none of your backtalk, fetch me your finest dick at once!"
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Mar 10, 2015 00:27
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Jerry Mumphrey posted:I used to work in a pretty busy arcade in high school (for you youngun's, an arcade was a place where you could go play coin-operated video games in these big cabinets). Anyways there was this one group of 6 teenagers who used to come all the time and all the staff and customers hated them. They would always hang out on the fighting games like Tekken 3 and Marvel vs. Streetfighter all day and hassle everyone else who would try to play by knocking their quarters off the machine, poo poo-talking them or even giving them wedgies while they were playing. The one cool assistant manager heard us talking in the break room one day trying to come up with ways to gently caress with these guys and he said that he would bring something cool in a couple days to really get these guys good! Did I mention the assistant manager was working towards his PhD in Neuroscience? That's important. loving with little shits like that is probably the only upside to working in retail. Great story!
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Mar 10, 2015 00:49
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DaveSplitter posted:Well, I should probably start contributing more to my own thread. Here's another retail horror story: I worked at Kmart once. Fun Superman 64 story: When I was working at Babbage's, we had a manager we called "Supermanager." Not because he was a great manager, but because he was a huge Superman freak. Like, he wore a Superman t-shirt to work every day, knew every line from every show, and collected all the comic books as well. Anyway, when Superman 64 was announced, he was sure it was going to be the greatest game ever made. He decked out the store with every promotional material ever associated with the game, and talked it up to all the customers. When the game was finally released, he had us put our entire inventory for the month out on the shelves at the same time because he was sure it was going to sell like hotcakes. While we were doing that, he grabbed one of the boxes and ran into the back room where we had the N64 set up. We'd just finished setting up all the Superman 64 boxes, like every shelf was nothing but Superman 64, when Supermanager comes storming out of the back room. He had tears streaming down his face and somehow his superman t-shirt had gotten torn. He started bellowing incomprehensibly at us and flailing his arms. One of the other guys who worked there tried to calm him down, but he just shoved him aside and kept rampaging through the store. Our manager was a big guy so he was like a bull in a china shop, knocking over displays and flinging magazines up into the air all over the place. He charged right at me and knocked me over to get at the display behind me, where he proceeded to sweep all the game boxes off the shelf and onto the floor. I was like "what the hell is wrong?" And my manager bawls "It sucks! Superman 64 SUUUUUUCKS!" he was still screaming it when he dashed out of the store and plunged straight over the guardrail (our Babbage's was on the second level of the mall). Luckily the child's play area was directly below us and a gaggle of fat children broke his fall so he didn't die. Anyway we closed early that day and I got to manage the store for the rest of the week until corporate sent a substitute manager to take care of things until we could find someone permanent to fill the position, so that was pretty neat  Supermanager never came back to the store. We looked him up later and it turned out he'd checked himself into a mental institution, I dunno if he's still there or not.
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Mar 10, 2015 02:08
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I was working at Target back when grocery stores in Target were still a new thing, and it sucked hardcore because during the transition period, people had no idea how to behave. Like, some of them treated it like a dine-in restaurant and chowed down on the food right there in the store, or they'd change their mind about buying some food item and leave it on a shelf in a different department like a hundred aisles away! I worked in the clothing department back then and we were constantly discovering that customers had left us "presents" in the changing rooms, like cartons of milk, pop tarts and even eggs! So me and the other folks who worked the clothing department put up signs saying "No food or drink allowed in the changing rooms." The signs are barely up five minutes before we get this big fat lady. Like, a biiiiig fat lady. I was amazed she was walking under her own power tbqh. Anyway, she storms up to our desk and she's holding one of the signs and demanding "what is the meaning of this?" Now I'm a good employee, so I go into polite mode right away and I spin some bullshit like "I'm sorry ma'm, but I'm afraid it's store policy to not allow food or drink in the changing rooms." And she's all "that's preposterous! I demand to speak to your manager!" So our manager comes out. He's a pretty cool guy and one of the funniest managers I ever had. He listens to the fat woman's complaints for like, five whole minutes. She's just laying into him, calling him all kinds of names and threatening him with legal action and stuff because her low blood sugar means she has to have food with her at all times blah blah. Once this woman has tired herself out, our manager speaks up and tells her, in a calm, polite voice: "Ma'm, I don't see why our policy is even a problem for you, as Target does not carry clothes big enough to fit you, and even if we did, you are obviously too monstrously fat to fit in the changing stalls." The woman was so outraged by what he said, she could only gasp and clutch at her chest. Her eyes rolled back in her head and she started foaming at the mouth. My manager didn't even bat an eye, he sauntered over to the emergency phone and called the EMTs over. She was too fat to fit on a gurney so they literally had to roll her out of the store like the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka. The memory of this immense woman being rolled out of the store after getting owned so hardcore still makes me laugh.
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Mar 10, 2015 02:32
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WINNINGHARD posted:one time at Von's this great big fat lady came up to the register and bought some Oreos and I asked her if she'd found everything she was looking for and she just kept on saying "Two weeks" and I looked at her quizzically and she backed up and said "TWO WEEKS!" again and started contorting her face and pulling at her lips and then my manager walked by and said "IT'S QUAID! ARREST HIM" and the fat lady suddenly didnt have any hair but it wasn't a lady at all she pulled off her face and it was ARnold Schwarzenegger and he threw the baldheaded woman mask at my manager and then the baldheaded woman mask said "get ready for a big surprise!!!" and the loving thing exploded in my manager's hands What a bitch, lol!
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Mar 10, 2015 02:54
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Once back when I was working at the Jerk store we were ran out of Rileys. Luckily George Costanza was our all-time best seller so it didn't make much difference.
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Mar 10, 2015 03:51
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So I was working in a hobby shop way back in the day (late 80's, early 90's). Warhammer was just taking off and we were one of the first hobby shops in the state to have tables set up. They were really nice with landscapes and scenery and everything. Warhammer figurines weren't super big yet, so we had a small group of die-hard players that we got to know really well. Most of them were alright, even if they were turbonerds, but one of them was a super rear end in a top hat. We'll just call him "Butthead Fartfucker." It wouldn't have been so bad except Fartfucker was also a really good player, and he could usually back up his obnoxious trash talking by beating anyone who challenged him. His ego got bigger with every match he won, and soon he was unbearable to be around. His awful boasting and inappropriate behavior toward the few girls we ever got in the store got so bad that we began to notice he was actually hurting business! Regular players gradually stopped showing up, and anyone new who came in while he was there got chased off in short order. It was time to take a stand. We had a representative of the Japanese animation industry scheduled to visit soon and we didn't want to risk Fartfucker embarrassing us in front of a potential new business partner. One of Fartfucker's favorite boasts was that it would "take an octopus" to outmaneuver him on the battlefield, so we decided maybe it was time to put his bragging to the test. Our manager's sister worked at the local aquarium, and they had a 120lb giant pacific octopus there named "Black Mariah" which she was in charge of. Black Mariah was scheduled to be loaned to another aquarium in a couple days, so our manager had his sister arrange a brief stopover at our hobby shop on its way to the other aquarium. On the day of the Japanese rep's visit, Fartfucker showed up that morning like he always did. He found us all gathered around the big table and Black Mariah's tank (concealed by a sheet) positioned at the opposite end, a fearsome army already set up and ready to go. The Japanese visitor was waiting quietly in the back of the shop, silently observing the tableu. We were all struggling to suppress our poo poo eating grins as Fartfucker walked up to the table and asked, all smug like "what's this? Does one of you buffoons think he can challenge me?" I answer "No, but we've finally found an opponent worthy of your skills." He assumes it's the silent, mysterious Japanese man and scoffs "I find that highly dubious, the Japanese lack the capacity for strategic thinking it takes to win a war. Besides, you know it would take an octopus to outmaneuver me!" That was when my manager was like "We know, and that's why we want you to meet..." He pulls of the sheet. "Black Mariah!" Fartfucker was so shocked he practically poo poo himself. "This must be some kind of joke!" he stuttered. "Are you forfeiting the match already?" my manager asked. Fartfucker was a shithead but he knew he couldn't back down, so he accepted Black Mariah's challenge. Our manager opened the lid of the tank and Black Mariah crawled out and onto the table, knocking her armies all over the place in the process. "Ha ha, that gay octopus doesn't even know how to play! It's gonna get raped!" laughed Fartfucker. Unfortunately, that was the wrong thing to say. You see, it turns out that Black Mariah was a rescued octopus that the aquarium had saved from an abusive home and "rape" was very triggering. No sooner had the word left Fartfucker's mouth then Black Mariah leaped across the table and latched onto his chest! We were too stunned to do anything until it was too late. The enraged octopus stripped off Fartfucker's clothes and violated him both anally and orally right there in front of everyone. It also violently groped his genitals before getting bored and deciding to pull him apart. It managed to get both his shoulders dislocated before the manager's sister got back from the truck with her tranq gun and put two rounds in Mariah's forehead. Even unconscious, the octopus was nearly impossible to separate from Fartfucker, and it took half an hour to get him untangled from the horrible tentacles. The Japanese visitor just stood and watched the whole thing, nodding quietly to himself. When it was all over, the Japanese man approached our manager and thanked him for the excellent show, and said he had "many new ideas" to take with him back to Japan. Our visitor's name? Hayao Miyazaki. Shortly thereafter, tentacle porn became a big thing in Japan. Everyone gave credit to Miazaki, but me and my coworkers knew the real inventor was Black Mariah. As for Butthead Fartfucker? He sued the shop and we were forced to close. Our manager and his sister faced criminal charges for animal abuse and also misuse of aquarium property. Fartfucker used the lawsuit money to breathe new life into his faltering software start up: EA Games.
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Mar 10, 2015 14:35
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RonMexicosPitbull posted:Shithead McGee seems like a bad employee You wouldn't believe some of the stupid poo poo he pulled. The worst thing was definitely when he put spoiled milk in the air conditioning system, but that wasn't even the only stupid thing he did with milk. Once, he decided that he would improve shopping efficiency by keeping the milk and cereal in the same aisle because "customers don't buy one without the other." Unfortunately, instead of putting the cereal in the diary aisle, he put the milk in the cereal aisle! About 200 gallons of milk went bad and had to be thrown out. Another time, he and his idiot friends tried to run an underground racing circuit using motorized shopping carts and got the store raided by the police. He forgot to lock the store one evening and we came back to find all the shelves completely empty the next day (the police determined it was a raid by a local survivalist chapter). He was told to dispose of a bunch of spoiled meat but rather than throw it out the normal way he decided it would be easier if he flushed it down the toilet instead. He clogged every toilet in the building and a bunch of customers got e-coli from sitting on contaminated toilet seats. He never got fired through because he was the owner's son and every stupid thing he did got blamed on somebody else/swept under the rug.
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Mar 10, 2015 14:53
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When I was working the customer service desk at Sears, we used to get some pretty strange complaints: Me (on phone): Hello, Sears customer service how may I help you? Customer: Help, the clothes I bought at Sears have come to life and are attacking my family! Me: Ummm. Customer: Help! Me: Ma'm, I don't know what you want me to do. Customer: You are so rude and unhelpful, I demand to speak you your manag- auuuugh! Me: Hello? Hello? Customer: [silence] Me: Thank you for shopping at Sears! Have a nice day! *hangs up*
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Mar 10, 2015 15:26
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I've worked a LOT of retail jobs. Ask me stuff and I'll probably have a story about it.
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Mar 10, 2015 17:02
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Jerry Mumphrey posted:did you ever work retail in a foreign country and have any crazy experiences? Actually yeah. I worked in an electronics mart in Seoul, Korea. Now, one thing westerners have to understand is that for whatever reason, Asians don't trust products that are sold American style (i.e. in normal packages arranged neatly on shelves). All products should be out of their boxes and, whenever possible, heaped in a bushel basket by the door. There is also no concept of market saturation there. The immense complex I worked in had floor upon floor of nearly identical tiny shops carrying nearly identical inventories. This is a cultural thing. The act of shopping is an end in itself and it's not so much about what you buy as who you buy it from. You're supposed to build a personal relationship with your shopkeeper and it's that interaction that drives customer loyalty, as opposed to unique selection or low prices. Anyway our shop was a 15ft by 15ft cube somewhere halfway down an entire floor of similar cubes. The bulk of my job consisted of receiving a new shipment of whatever random electronic product the store's owner ordered, and methodically taking every single item out of its box and sorting it into the appropriate bushel basket. I do this job for about three weeks and then one day I show up to work and the store isn't there. I look up and down the row in a panic, thinking I missed it, but the particular arrangement of Korean letters I'd memorized by shape, rather than meaning, was nowhere to be found! There was a different store in its place. I wandered inside and asked the manager in broken Korean if I worked there, and he told me he'd never seen me before in his life, and that his store had been in that exact spot for years. Had I imagined the past three weeks? Was I the subject of some zany Korean TV prank? I started to hyperventilate and go into a panic attack. The Korean shoppers try to politely ignore me at first but they're not as good at it as the Japanese and before long I've attracted a small crowd. Most of them are just filming my breakdown on their cameraphones but a few are trying to offer me help. The crowd is too overwhelming for me and I begin to lash out, screaming obscenities and demanding they release me from their "twisted celestial magicks!" My hollering is attracting the attention of mall security, but they are little guys compared to me, and I dispatch them like ragdolls. I start turning over bushels of products and flinging them up into the air like a gorilla, dancing in a rain of naked motherboards and hard drives. More mall cops started pouring out of the woodwork and dogpile me, but I burst out of the pile like Neo from the Matrix and went running down the hall, tripping over a little old gentleman in my frenzy. I looked back at the man I just knocked over and to my surprise it was my boss from the store! I was so happy to see him I gave him a big, tearful hug. Turns out I was just on the wrong floor and my store was one level up. Boy was my face red!
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Mar 10, 2015 18:28
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lil pissbitch posted:Did you ever work retail...standing on your head? I did once tell my manager at Krogers that my job at the meat counter was "so easy I could do it standing on my head." It turned into a bet ($50) and before I knew it I was committed to doing a handstand for an entire shift. It turned out to be a bad idea. I was actually able to grip my tools with my feet without too much trouble, but manipulating them was another matter. Also it turns out walking around on your hands and holding butcher knives between your toes while kicking wildly makes a lot of people nervous. It didn't help that couldn't see where I was going because my butcher's apron flopped down over my face from being upside down. I didn't want to forfeit the bet, though, so I stuck to it, picking up wads of hamburger and steak with my feet, plopping them down on butcher paper and kicking them off the counter so they landed in the customers' carts. (Don't worry, I washed my feet with soap before handling food with them). A lot of people complained but since my manager was in on it he couldn't order me to stop without losing the bet, so instead he tried to placate everyone with the special coupons we reserve for emergencies. Meanwhile my arms are getting tired so I figure that the only way I can keep working upside down is if I jettison some weight. I get help from a couple of other employees to remove my pants. Without the weight of my pants I get a second wind, but suddenly there's a new problem: I wear boxers and I picked that day to wear the pair that gaps really bad and so my junk comes flopping out and lands in a puddle of pig blood on my apron. I can feel how slimy and gross it is and it's so unpleasant that I know I have to adjust myself or I'll freak out. I can't use my hands so I try to helicopter it around so that it flips up and lands in my taint, but my balls kept getting in the way and making everything slide back down. I'm in the middle of doing this when suddenly this woman starts screaming and a bunch of other people start yelling, too. Turns out while I was walking blind around on my hands I wandered into the shopping area and I was standing there flipping my dong around at innocent bystanders! On the plus side, all the flipping around had given me an erection so my dong wasn't resting in pig's blood any more, but on the minus side walking around on my hands with a boner isn't much better than flipping it around and I decide to beat a hasty retreat. Of course I still can't see so I'm running blindly around and run smack dab into the mayor's wife! The mayor's wife was super busty (trophy wife) and I end up burying my meat directly between her tits. My dong is still covered in pig's blood so that splatters everywhere and the mayor's wife starts yelling "Oh God I've been stabbed, I've been stabbed!" and we both tumble over onto the ground. I ended up on the front page of the newspaper again, this time under the headline "CRAZED BUTCHER IMPALES MAYOR'S WIFE!" The worst part is I lost the bet and was out $50 
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Mar 10, 2015 19:15
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Pick posted:What's your gayest retail experience, applewhite? Gayest was definitely while working at Whole Foods. That place was practically run entirely by hardcore tumblr types and they wouldn't even interview you unless you were gay/trans/otherwise unique and special. I needed the job real bad after the yarn store where I worked closed down so I pretended to be gay to get hired. I was able to keep up the illusion for the first month or so, but accidentally broke character to flirt with a super hot babe. One of the other cashiers saw me and after closing time I found myself before an impromptu little tribunal. I tried to get away with claiming to be bi but my word wasn't good enough for them. I had to prove it. I had to make out with one of the other male employees. So I picked the most effeminate guy there and we started to make out like crazy. It was difficult at first but he was soft and wore perfume so I was actually able to get into it a little. I was winning them over but I knew I had to seal the deal, so I started to take off my pants and took out my dick. That's when the effeminate guy started to freak. He was suddenly like "I can't do this I can't do this! He's really a fag!" Turns out he was only pretending to be gay, too! All of them were. That night was supposed to be my "initiation" into their secret circle of straight guys pretending to be gay, and they were all gonna have a good laugh when I pussed out. They weren't counting on my dedication I guess. Anyway I wasn't able to convince them it had all been an act and I got fired for being gay.
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Mar 11, 2015 03:08
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CrashCat posted:^^ the gently caress do you know, you weren't there Working in the yarn store was pretty chill. We sold buttons and knitting needles and other yarn-related paraphernalia, but we didn't carry general craft stuff. Our regular clientele was a smal but loyal bunch and we got to know each of them pretty well, or at least learn each of their names. Also, my boss at the yarn store was by far the coolest boss I ever had. He was a big, gentle giant of a man named Yarn Henry. Yarn Henry was a wool knitting man. Seven feet tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. Skin as black as ebony and a deep laugh that seemed to rise straight up from his belly. Owning and operating a yarn store had been his dream ever since he was a tyke, and he built his store with his own two hands. He loved the store like his own child, and his passion for yarn and knitting was infectious. In our time there all of us became avid knitters, though none of us could hold a candle to old Yarn Henry. In a single afternoon, he could knit a sweater big enough for three men, and still have enough time left over to knit them each a scarf as well. It was the damndest thing I'd ever saw, and I wouldn't tell you about it unless I'd seen it with my own two eyes. Yeah, it was a great job working at the yarn store, but all good things must come to an end... One day, a slick talking city man showed up in town with a newfangled automatic knitting machine. Set himself up in the town square and boasted that his machine could out knit any man. To old Yarn Henry, that was like saying that you could build a machine that could fly like a bird, or sing like a chorus girl, or love like a beautiful woman. It couldn't be done! Nope, Ol' Yarn Henry took this slick talker's words to be the gravest personal insult. He stepped forward and in a deep, booming voice declared "Ah reckon Ah could outknit your machine!" The city man laughed and said "I reckon you're a drat fool, but if you want to try, just bring me some yarn and we'll see you eat those words!" Yarn Henry got a fire in his eyes then. He sent us back to the shop, had us gather every scrap of yarn in the whole place and bring it back to the town square. We divided the yarn up into two piles. Each one as big as a small hill. Great pains were taken that both piles contained exactly the same amount of yarn. Whichever contestant, man or machine, that knitted all his yarn into a scarf first would be declared the winner. The loser would leave town in shame. Well, the city slicker pulled some levers and turned some knobs. His machine gave a great rattle and a hiss and drat if it didn't start spitting out a scarf lickety split! But Yarn Henry wasn't bothered at all. He was knitting like the wind! His needles flashed so quick they were nothing but a blur, and yarn flew off the ball so quick I'd swear it was ready to catch fire! Yarn Henry and the machine knitted all day long and into the night. We worked in shifts to make sure Henry always had a fresh ball by his side ready to grab when he needed. He'd worked up a fearsome sweat, and his fingers were worn and bloody from hours of intense knitting. Meanwhile the city slicker just kept feeding yarn into the machine's tray as cool and calm as can be. By dawn the next day, the two piles had shrunk down to the last few balls and, miraculously, Yarn Henry was ahead by a whole ball! The city feller was tuckered out from feeding yarn into his machine all night, and couldn't load them up as fast as he'd done when the contest started. We cheered and whooped because we all saw Yarn Henry was going to win! Just as the city slicker was loading the last yarn ball into the hopper of his contraption, the mayor held up Yarn Henry's hand and gave out a great cry "He's finished!" Sadly, truer words were never spoken. Yarn Henry'd won the contest, he'd beat the machine, but he'd pushed himself too hard. Poor Yarn Henry was dead. Well, you can bet the city slicker left town in a hurry. People weren't feeling too friendly toward him or his fancy machine after they'd seen what had happened to the great Wool Knitting man. With no yarn in the store and the owner dead, we had to close the store, and I went to go work at Whole Foods.
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Mar 12, 2015 03:23
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CrashCat posted:Yarn Henry sounds awesome. Reminds me a bit of Carpet Bunyan. Don't talk to me about that fucker.
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Mar 12, 2015 11:11
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CrashCat posted:Oh poo poo, what did he do? I thought he just really liked big carpets, I'm so sorry He was the worst boss I ever had. And yeah he liked really big carpets. He also liked eating carpet. A little too much. One time, I walked in on him eating my (now ex) girlfriend's carpet. Why Lulubelle? Why'd you have to be such a two timin' hussy?? 
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Mar 12, 2015 16:15
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