Should I nail my son to a peice of wood?

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > Should I nail my son to a peice of wood?

Spandex Bonerlord: Sep 30, 2014

Update: I decided to go ahead and gather my supplies now, seeing as I have nothing better to do.
I started by acquiring Ten pieces of wood:

Unfortunately, I was only able to find seven good pieces, so I needed to make some compromises regarding the last three.
So far I have:
-Seven nice log pieces.
-A slotted spoon (made of wood, of course).
-A large (wooden) measuring stick.
-A Better Homes and Gardens Chinese Cookbook (Paper is made from trees, so It's basically wood).

I also made a quick mockup of how my son will look after I have them attached:

Any more suggestions before I move on?
--------------------------------------------
Okay, I've decided on everything, now I just need to gather supplies. I'll update this thread as I go along with the plan.
--------------------------------------------
I need advice, asap.

I'm trying to claim the title of "World's Best Father", and apparently the current holder got it by nailing his son to a plank of wood. Logically, I should do the same, right?

Spandex Bonerlord fucked around with this message at 01:05 on Mar 11, 2015

# ? Mar 10, 2015 22:56

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# ? Apr 16, 2024 14:37

a shiny rock: Nov 13, 2009

you need to outdo the other guy though

# ? Mar 10, 2015 22:56

Jerry Mumphrey: Mar 11, 2004; by zen death robot
(and can't post for 4 years!)

Parallax Scroll posted:

you need to outdo the other guy though

nail him to like 10 pieces of wood

# ? Mar 10, 2015 22:57

Ignatius M. Meen: May 26, 2011; Hello yes I heard there was a lovely trainwreck here and...

your son has to be famous first though. like, super famous

# ? Mar 10, 2015 22:57

Mr. Pumroy: May 20, 2001

buy him a hot rear end car and post bail when cops find whim whic drugs, it's not hard

# ? Mar 10, 2015 22:59

Spandex Bonerlord: Sep 30, 2014

Jerry Mumphrey posted:

nail him to like 10 pieces of wood

So, 2 pieces for each limb, then?
Also, any tips for reducing bleeding/screaming.

# ? Mar 10, 2015 22:59

a hole-y ghost: May 10, 2010

Nail him to a piece of wood then set up netflix in front of him. then give the roman guy an extra long feather duster instead of a pike and have him tickle your son and say don't laugh or no more netflix.

# ? Mar 10, 2015 22:59

social vegan: Nov 7, 2014

....g-god?

# ? Mar 10, 2015 22:59

Eyespy: Dec 20, 2004; When I talk about the doomed, the scum, the people who no longer give a shit...When I talk about the filth of the city...I'm talking about you.

Nail him on a piece of wood.

EDIT: For extra 'Worlds Greatest Dad' points, do it through the holes made while nailing him too the wood. You have to escalate this stuff if you want the trophy.

# ? Mar 10, 2015 22:59

Jerry Mumphrey: Mar 11, 2004; by zen death robot
(and can't post for 4 years!)

DaveSplitter posted:

So, 2 pieces for each limb, then?
Also, any tips for reducing bleeding/screaming.

druqs

# ? Mar 10, 2015 23:00

proof of concept: Mar 6, 2005; by FactsAreUseless

instead of a crown of thorns use a gag of thorns so the little poo poo can't run his drat yap the whole time

# ? Mar 10, 2015 23:00

Count Freebasie: Jan 12, 2006

Beat him with a 2x4, upload to youtube, and you will be famous the world over.

This I promise you.

# ? Mar 10, 2015 23:00

i hate everything: Oct 15, 2010

You should release a decently printed square shape coffee table book with quirky borrowed images with things like what you said in the op on each page, center aligned maybe. Mostly get them sold at Barnes and noble or books a million. People will buy them for gifts for people when they can't thjnk of an actual good gift. You know what I mean?

# ? Mar 10, 2015 23:01

old beast lunatic: Nov 3, 2004; by Hand Knit

Depends, man. Has he shoveled the driveway or mowed the lawn lately?

# ? Mar 10, 2015 23:01

Spandex Bonerlord: Sep 30, 2014

Ignatius M. Meen posted:

your son has to be famous first though. like, super famous

So, I should like, enter him into child pageants first? Do they even have those for boys? Also I don't want my son to turn gay.

# ? Mar 10, 2015 23:02

Spandex Bonerlord: Sep 30, 2014

Eyespy posted:

Nail him on a piece of wood.

EDIT: For extra 'Worlds Greatest Dad' points, do it through the holes made while nailing him too the wood. You have to escalate this stuff if you want the trophy.

Good idea, but I don't want a gay son.

# ? Mar 10, 2015 23:05

a hole-y ghost: May 10, 2010

DaveSplitter posted:

Good idea, but I don't want a gay son.

Um thats how to stop your son from being gay.

# ? Mar 10, 2015 23:06

i hate everything: Oct 15, 2010

"If every dog gets its day, then why Is a year only 365 days?" Printed over a low fidelity picture those wind up chomping teeth

# ? Mar 10, 2015 23:07

old beast lunatic: Nov 3, 2004; by Hand Knit

Being gay for jesus is ok tho

# ? Mar 10, 2015 23:07

Eyespy: Dec 20, 2004; When I talk about the doomed, the scum, the people who no longer give a shit...When I talk about the filth of the city...I'm talking about you.

DaveSplitter posted:

Good idea, but I don't want a gay son.

Motherfucker, do you want to be the worlds best dad or not? Get on my loving level!

# ? Mar 10, 2015 23:07

kazr: Jan 28, 2005

mail him a piece of wood

# ? Mar 10, 2015 23:08

Spandex Bonerlord: Sep 30, 2014

a hole-y ghost posted:

Um thats how to stop your son from being gay.

InterFaced posted:

Being gay for jesus is ok tho

Eyespy posted:

Motherfucker, do you want to be the worlds best dad or not? Get on my loving level!

Does it have to be me though? Can I get my brother Bob to do it instead?

i hate everything posted:

"If every dog gets its day, then why Is a year only 365 days?" Printed over a low fidelity picture those wind up chomping teeth

Why chomping teeth, though?

# ? Mar 10, 2015 23:11

Eyespy: Dec 20, 2004; When I talk about the doomed, the scum, the people who no longer give a shit...When I talk about the filth of the city...I'm talking about you.

DaveSplitter posted:

Does it have to be me though? Can I get my brother Bob to do it instead?

Bob? loving Bob? Is this whole thread some sort of elaborate troll? loving Bob?

No it can't be loving Bob. We're not here to get Bob to 'Worlds Greatest Uncle' you loving cumfart. You want the prize, you gently caress the guyz, that's how this poo poo works. gently caress!

# ? Mar 10, 2015 23:15

Gatekeeper: Aug 3, 2003; He was warrior and mystic, ogre and saint, the fox and the innocent, chivalrous, ruthless, less than a god, more than a man.

you gotta make him glow and float first, on a mountain top with a few of his friends around to see it. he'll go viral, make a hit sermon, and then you can gently caress him with pieces of wood. to death.

# ? Mar 10, 2015 23:16

i hate everything: Oct 15, 2010

"The world will be inherited by the meek? Hegh tell that to everyone else." Copy and pasted over and over again found photo of late 80's wedding where both bride and groom look confused in a sad way.

# ? Mar 10, 2015 23:16

Spandex Bonerlord: Sep 30, 2014

Eyespy posted:

Bob? loving Bob? Is this whole thread some sort of elaborate troll? loving Bob?

No it can't be loving Bob. We're not here to get Bob to 'Worlds Greatest Uncle' you loving cumfart. You want the prize, you gently caress the guyz, that's how this poo poo works. gently caress!

Okay, okay, sheesh! Bob still wants in though...

# ? Mar 10, 2015 23:19

old beast lunatic: Nov 3, 2004; by Hand Knit

Just nail your gay son already, Jesus.

# ? Mar 10, 2015 23:20

Spandex Bonerlord: Sep 30, 2014

Gatekeeper posted:

you gotta make him glow and float first, on a mountain top with a few of his friends around to see it. he'll go viral, make a hit sermon, and then you can gently caress him with pieces of wood. to death.

Okay, I can get glow sticks. The floating part is going to be tricky. Maybe I can have him stand on a transparent stool of some sort?

# ? Mar 10, 2015 23:21

Spandex Bonerlord: Sep 30, 2014

InterFaced posted:

Just nail your gay son already, Jesus.

Okay, a couple of things:
1) I still need to gather supplies, and it's too dark out for me to do that now.
2) How do you know my irl name? Are you some sort of stalker?

I'll upload pictures of my wood once I get it gathered up.

# ? Mar 10, 2015 23:23

Eyespy: Dec 20, 2004; When I talk about the doomed, the scum, the people who no longer give a shit...When I talk about the filth of the city...I'm talking about you.

DaveSplitter posted:

Okay, okay, sheesh! Bob still wants in though...

Bob can wait his loving turn like the bitch that he is.

Frankly I think that Bob's commitment to this whole process is stronger than yours.

~Waaah. I'm DaveSplitter and I want to be the worlds greatest dad but I'm not going to get off my lazy rear end and earn it~

Frankly, if you can't man the gently caress up and get it done, you've failed your son, you've failed yourself, and you've failed America. Is that what you want?

# ? Mar 10, 2015 23:23

i hate everything: Oct 15, 2010

Yeah that's what he wants. Bitchmade cant do poo poo.

# ? Mar 10, 2015 23:29

a whole buncha crows: May 8, 2003; WHEN WE DON'T KNOW WHO TO HATE, WE HATE OURSELVES.-SA USER NATION (AKA ME!)

i already nailed the OP's mom

# ? Mar 10, 2015 23:39

psyopmonkey: Nov 15, 2008; by Lowtax

Dude, its 2015.

Try some sheetrock screws.

# ? Mar 11, 2015 00:04

Spandex Bonerlord: Sep 30, 2014

I decided to go ahead and gather my supplies now, seeing as I have nothing better to do.
I started by acquiring Ten pieces of wood:

Any more suggestions before I move on?

# ? Mar 11, 2015 00:10

i hate everything: Oct 15, 2010

ur psycho

# ? Mar 11, 2015 00:13

psyopmonkey: Nov 15, 2008; by Lowtax

DaveSplitter posted:

I decided to go ahead and gather my supplies now, seeing as I have nothing better to do.
I started by acquiring Ten pieces of wood:

Unfortunately, I was only able to find seven good pieces, so I needed to make some compromises regarding the last three.
So far I have:
-Seven nice log pieces.
-A slotted spoon (made of wood, of course).
-A large (wooden) measuring stick.
-A Better Homes and Gardens Chinese Cookbook (Paper is made from trees, so It's basically wood).

I also made a quick mockup of how my son will look after I have them attached:

Any more suggestions before I move on?

Wow. Is this the new keyboard goo?

Eat the wood.

# ? Mar 11, 2015 00:14

Eyespy: Dec 20, 2004; When I talk about the doomed, the scum, the people who no longer give a shit...When I talk about the filth of the city...I'm talking about you.

DaveSplitter posted:

I decided to go ahead and gather my supplies now, seeing as I have nothing better to do.
I started by acquiring Ten pieces of wood:

Unfortunately, I was only able to find seven good pieces, so I needed to make some compromises regarding the last three.
So far I have:
-Seven nice log pieces.
-A slotted spoon (made of wood, of course).
-A large (wooden) measuring stick.
-A Better Homes and Gardens Chinese Cookbook (Paper is made from trees, so It's basically wood).

I also made a quick mockup of how my son will look after I have them attached:

Any more suggestions before I move on?

Maybe I was wrong about you, you've really turned this around quickly.

But you know what you really need to do to make the most of this? Corporate Sponsorship.

Throw a Mcdonalds logo on there or maybe something from Big Oil and BOOM, you're raking in the big bucks while you earn that prize. Have fun with it, paint the nails with the Fedex arrow, be creative.

# ? Mar 11, 2015 00:19

ChrisHansen: Oct 28, 2014; Suck my damn balls.; Lipstick Apathy

Watch the Robin Williams comedy
World's Greatest Dad for inspiration

# ? Mar 11, 2015 00:29

a shiny rock: Nov 13, 2009

preemptively voting this thread 5, i think its going places

# ? Mar 11, 2015 00:36

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# ? Apr 16, 2024 14:37

Spandex Bonerlord: Sep 30, 2014

# ? Mar 11, 2015 00:37

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > Should I nail my son to a peice of wood?

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