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SpeedGem
Sep 19, 2012

by Ralp
16 One day Samson went to Gaza, where he saw a prostitute. He went in to spend the night with her. 2 The people of Gaza were told, “Samson is here!” So they surrounded the place and lay in wait for him all night at the city gate. They made no move during the night, saying, “At dawn we’ll kill him.”

3 But Samson lay there only until the middle of the night. Then he got up and took hold of the doors of the city gate, together with the two posts, and tore them loose, bar and all. He lifted them to his shoulders and carried them to the top of the hill that faces Hebron.

4 Some time later, he fell in love with a woman in the Valley of Sorek whose name was Delilah. 5 The rulers of the Philistines went to her and said, “See if you can lure him into showing you the secret of his great strength and how we can overpower him so we may tie him up and subdue him. Each one of us will give you eleven hundred shekels[a] of silver.”

6 So Delilah said to Samson, “Tell me the secret of your great strength and how you can be tied up and subdued.”

7 Samson answered her, “If anyone ties me with seven fresh bowstrings that have not been dried, I’ll become as weak as any other man.”

8 Then the rulers of the Philistines brought her seven fresh bowstrings that had not been dried, and she tied him with them. 9 With men hidden in the room, she called to him, “Samson, the Philistines are upon you!” But he snapped the bowstrings as easily as a piece of string snaps when it comes close to a flame. So the secret of his strength was not discovered.

10 Then Delilah said to Samson, “You have made a fool of me; you lied to me. Come now, tell me how you can be tied.”

11 He said, “If anyone ties me securely with new ropes that have never been used, I’ll become as weak as any other man.”

12 So Delilah took new ropes and tied him with them. Then, with men hidden in the room, she called to him, “Samson, the Philistines are upon you!” But he snapped the ropes off his arms as if they were threads.

13 Delilah then said to Samson, “All this time you have been making a fool of me and lying to me. Tell me how you can be tied.”

He replied, “If you weave the seven braids of my head into the fabric on the loom and tighten it with the pin, I’ll become as weak as any other man.” So while he was sleeping, Delilah took the seven braids of his head, wove them into the fabric 14 and[b] tightened it with the pin.

Again she called to him, “Samson, the Philistines are upon you!” He awoke from his sleep and pulled up the pin and the loom, with the fabric.

15 Then she said to him, “How can you say, ‘I love you,’ when you won’t confide in me? This is the third time you have made a fool of me and haven’t told me the secret of your great strength.” 16 With such nagging she prodded him day after day until he was sick to death of it.

17 So he told her everything. “No razor has ever been used on my head,” he said, “because I have been a Nazirite dedicated to God from my mother’s womb. If my head were shaved, my strength would leave me, and I would become as weak as any other man.”

18 When Delilah saw that he had told her everything, she sent word to the rulers of the Philistines, “Come back once more; he has told me everything.” So the rulers of the Philistines returned with the silver in their hands. 19 After putting him to sleep on her lap, she called for someone to shave off the seven braids of his hair, and so began to subdue him.[c] And his strength left him.

20 Then she called, “Samson, the Philistines are upon you!”

He awoke from his sleep and thought, “I’ll go out as before and shake myself free.” But he did not know that the Lord had left him.

21 Then the Philistines seized him, gouged out his eyes and took him down to Gaza. Binding him with bronze shackles, they set him to grinding grain in the prison. 22 But the hair on his head began to grow again after it had been shaved.
The Death of Samson

23 Now the rulers of the Philistines assembled to offer a great sacrifice to Dagon their god and to celebrate, saying, “Our god has delivered Samson, our enemy, into our hands.”

24 When the people saw him, they praised their god, saying,

“Our god has delivered our enemy
into our hands,
the one who laid waste our land
and multiplied our slain.”

25 While they were in high spirits, they shouted, “Bring out Samson to entertain us.” So they called Samson out of the prison, and he performed for them.

When they stood him among the pillars, 26 Samson said to the servant who held his hand, “Put me where I can feel the pillars that support the temple, so that I may lean against them.” 27 Now the temple was crowded with men and women; all the rulers of the Philistines were there, and on the roof were about three thousand men and women watching Samson perform. 28 Then Samson prayed to the Lord, “Sovereign Lord, remember me. Please, God, strengthen me just once more, and let me with one blow get revenge on the Philistines for my two eyes.” 29 Then Samson reached toward the two central pillars on which the temple stood. Bracing himself against them, his right hand on the one and his left hand on the other, 30 Samson said, “Let me die with the Philistines!” Then he pushed with all his might, and down came the temple on the rulers and all the people in it. Thus he killed many more when he died than while he lived.

31 Then his brothers and his father’s whole family went down to get him. They brought him back and buried him between Zorah and Eshtaol in the tomb of Manoah his father. He had led[d] Israel twenty years.

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Beige
Sep 13, 2004

Good Lord Fisher!
Jul 14, 2006

Groovy!

voted speedgem :hellyeah:

Pretty Cool Name
Jan 8, 2010

wat

this is a pretty good one http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bible

Ein cooler Typ
Nov 26, 2013

by FactsAreUseless
2 Kings

23 And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.

24 And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.

25 And he went from thence to mount Carmel, and from thence he returned to Samaria.

Ben Smash
Aug 22, 2005

LARDROOM
Grimey Drawer
Post the bit about homos

TEAYCHES
Jun 23, 2002

the one from pulp fiction thats a good one!!

SpeedGem
Sep 19, 2012

by Ralp

Ben Smash posted:

Post the bit about homos

before 1100 ad there was nothing wrong with bieng gay, being gay is sin though

Beige
Sep 13, 2004

SpeedGem posted:

before 1100 ad there was nothing wrong with bieng gay, being gay is sin though

right, im gay out of spite now. just to spite your god

SpeedGem
Sep 19, 2012

by Ralp

Beige posted:

right, im gay out of spite now. just to spite your god

fragments of gods made the new ones, just saying

Beige
Sep 13, 2004

SpeedGem posted:

fragments of gods made the new ones, just saying

well yeah but thats a given. it's always been that way. we're going in circles here so what shall we do?

Beige
Sep 13, 2004
are we going to solve religious dispute?

SpeedGem
Sep 19, 2012

by Ralp

Beige posted:

are we going to solve religious dispute?

wanna start a land war fr a few thousand years?

West SAAB Story
Mar 13, 2014

by Athanatos

(and can't post for 253 days!)

turn middle east into glass WITH MY FORD TRUCK gently caress redshirt porblem solved

Pretty Cool Name
Jan 8, 2010

wat

[The Lord speaking] "The one who has stolen what was set apart for destruction will himself be burned with fire, along with everything he has, for he has broken the covenant of the LORD and has done a horrible thing in Israel." (Joshua 7:15 NLT)

TEAYCHES
Jun 23, 2002

there is no god but Allah and Muhammad is His Prophet

Beige
Sep 13, 2004

SpeedGem posted:

wanna start a land war fr a few thousand years?

what are the lengths involved here?

SpeedGem
Sep 19, 2012

by Ralp

TEAYCHES posted:

there is no god but Allah and Muhammad is His Prophet

having sex with 7 year old boys is acceptable in this relgion, revised edition is car bombs, and worse

TEAYCHES
Jun 23, 2002

Beige posted:

what are the lengths involved here?

7 inches, pretty thick, uncut

SpeedGem
Sep 19, 2012

by Ralp

Beige posted:

what are the lengths involved here?

i new a new grove for my fig trees

Beige
Sep 13, 2004

SpeedGem posted:

having sex with 7 year old boys is acceptable in this relgion, revised edition is car bombs, and worse

listen to this


SpeedGem posted:

i new a new grove for my fig trees

pm me for terms

Not_Rainbow_Horse
Nov 11, 2013
Suppose you hear in one of the towns the LORD your God is giving you that some worthless rabble among you have led their fellow citizens astray by encouraging them to worship foreign gods. In such cases, you must examine the facts carefully. If you find it is true and can prove that such a detestable act has occurred among you, you must attack that town and completely destroy all its inhabitants, as well as all the livestock. Then you must pile all the plunder in the middle of the street and burn it. Put the entire town to the torch as a burnt offering to the LORD your God. That town must remain a ruin forever; it may never be rebuilt. Keep none of the plunder that has been set apart for destruction. Then the LORD will turn from his fierce anger and be merciful to you. He will have compassion on you and make you a great nation, just as he solemnly promised your ancestors. "The LORD your God will be merciful only if you obey him and keep all the commands I am giving you today, doing what is pleasing to him." (Deuteronomy 13:13-19 NLT)

THE PENETRATOR
Jul 27, 2014

by Lowtax
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10066972/1/my-epic-bible-story

Malinois
Jun 13, 2003


the jefferson bible's pretty sweet

Orkin Mang
Nov 1, 2007

by FactsAreUseless

Malinois posted:

the jefferson bible's pretty sweet

always seemed pretty stupid to me

SpeedGem
Sep 19, 2012

by Ralp

Not_Rainbow_Horse posted:

Suppose you hear in one of the towns the LORD your God is giving you that some worthless rabble among you have led their fellow citizens astray by encouraging them to worship foreign gods. In such cases, you must examine the facts carefully. If you find it is true and can prove that such a detestable act has occurred among you, you must attack that town and completely destroy all its inhabitants, as well as all the livestock. Then you must pile all the plunder in the middle of the street and burn it. Put the entire town to the torch as a burnt offering to the LORD your God. That town must remain a ruin forever; it may never be rebuilt. Keep none of the plunder that has been set apart for destruction. Then the LORD will turn from his fierce anger and be merciful to you. He will have compassion on you and make you a great nation, just as he solemnly promised your ancestors. "The LORD your God will be merciful only if you obey him and keep all the commands I am giving you today, doing what is pleasing to him." (Deuteronomy 13:13-19 NLT)

i will give thanks to all have gave ne, the lord with my whole heart, when my enemies stimbled and tirned back an perished, thou hast sat on the the throne with rigteousm justice, psalms 9

Pretty Cool Name
Jan 8, 2010

wat

(Deuteronomy 22:28-29 NLT)

If a man is caught in the act of raping a young woman who is not engaged, he must pay fifty pieces of silver to her father. Then he must marry the young woman because he violated her, and he will never be allowed to divorce her.

Orkin Mang
Nov 1, 2007

by FactsAreUseless
And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea.

And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.

And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God.

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new.

Pretty Cool Name
Jan 8, 2010

wat

When a man strikes his male or female slave with a rod so hard that the slave dies under his hand, he shall be punished. If, however, the slave survives for a day or two, he is not to be punished, since the slave is his own property. (Exodus 21:20-21 NAB)

Jamoke
Feb 13, 2010

HAMDINGERS
Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20:

Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

Pretty Cool Name
Jan 8, 2010

wat

Jamoke posted:

Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20:

Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

thats numberwang

SpeedGem
Sep 19, 2012

by Ralp
finding god is like making one

Beige
Sep 13, 2004

SpeedGem posted:

finding god is like making one

i see what you mean

SpeedGem
Sep 19, 2012

by Ralp

Beige posted:

i see what you mean

the hardest step is the first

Brock Hardchin
Aug 17, 2007

You don't need anyone or anything to party 'til ya puke.
jesus wept like a bitch

SpeedGem
Sep 19, 2012

by Ralp

Brock Hardchin posted:

jesus wept like a bitch

wanna debate about the holy trinity, otr how god was a dick to his son? god is a dick, its a gven

FreshCutFries
Sep 15, 2007

Brock Hardchin
Aug 17, 2007

You don't need anyone or anything to party 'til ya puke.

SpeedGem posted:

wanna debate about the holy trinity, otr how god was a dick to his son? god is a dick, its a gven

i mean, sure. i dont think we'll disagree on mucvh

Lil Swamp Booger Baby
Aug 1, 1981

Ein cooler Typ posted:

2 Kings

23 And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.

24 And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.

25 And he went from thence to mount Carmel, and from thence he returned to Samaria.

A day in the life of a cold rear end motherfucker.

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glowstick party tonight
Oct 4, 2003

by zen death robot
Matthew 21:12-13

And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves, And said unto them, It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves.

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