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Decoy Badger
May 16, 2009
Porkchop Weebottoms

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Pittsburgh Lambic
Feb 16, 2011
When I was a kid, I used to think that pork chops and wee bottoms were the same thing. I thought they were both pork chops.

And because my jester thought it was cute, and because they were my favorite, he nicknamed me Porkchop Weebottoms. I didn't think it was a big deal.

One day, before I realized fat kids are not designed to climb trees, I fell out of a tree, and bruised the right side of my body. I didn't want to tell my personal attendants about it because I was scared I'd get in trouble for playing somewhere I shouldn't have been.

A few days later, my swimming tutor noticed the bruise and I got sent to the infirmary. From there, I was sent to another small room with black flags and a hooded man who asked me all kinds of questions about my life at the castle. I saw no reason to lie. As far as I was concerned, life was pretty good. I told him that I was sad, so they gave me a jester and he dubbed me Porkchop Weebottoms!

This led to a full-scale rebellion, and the castle was under siege for three days until my parents finally asked me why the peasants were demanding the immediate abdication of Porkchop Weebottoms. News of this silly little story quickly spread through the castle and my jester was tracked down and put to death where he stood for being so loving stupid.

To this day, I hate pork chops.


quote:

>>Go back<<
Hamlet gasps. “That’s terrible!” he says.

“I hate it!” he shouts, stomping his feet.

“I hate you!” he continues.

“Daddyyyyyyyyyyy!” he shouts, running out of the room, in tears, his hands in the air. Geez but that kid sure feels things real deeply, huh? Anyway you try to leave but guards prevent you, and then the king shows up and makes apologetic noises about what he has to do now, but you understand the importance of family don’t you Yorick, you know how children can be, hah hah hah, anyway you understand that I promised the child I’d do this for him, I just can’t say no to him when he gets into one of these moods, hah hah hah.

Your skull is dug up 25 years later by none other than Hamlet: he’s an adult now and in this timeline he works as a gravedigger! But in a profession seemingly populated entirely by wags and loveable rogues, he alone takes his job very seriously, so he disposes of your remains efficiently and without comment.



THE END

What a stunning bit of work from a newly-hired jester, buddy! Not only did you break Kid Hamlet's heart by dubbing him Porkchop Weebottoms, you traumatized him so deeply that his future has been destroyed and by the time he turns thirty he's reduced to the status of a common gravedigger! Toodles, Yorick! We'll come back to you when you're ready to not do that again.



Previously, on To Be or Not To Be: After murdering Claudius, Ghost King Hamlet discovered that his widow had married Claudius shortly after her husband's death. However, the Ghost King looked deep inside himself and found he was sort of okay with this, and retook the throne of Denmark thanks to a fictional constitutional provision. But was this really the best decision to make?

  • Option 1: The Ghost King enlists his living son to avenge his death, instead of sullying his hands and lovely four-poster bed with gore.
  • Option 2: The Ghost King isn't in for this polyamory poo poo and gets upset at Gertrude for marrying his brother.
  • Option 3: We start all over and play as Porkchop Weebottoms.
  • Option 4: We start all over and play as Ophelia.

Voting ends Monday at 10 PM CST.

Pittsburgh Lambic fucked around with this message at 21:25 on Apr 19, 2015

Stallion Cabana
Feb 14, 2012
1; Get into Grad School

2; Become better at playing Tabletop, both as a player and as a GM/ST/W/E

3; Get rid of this goddamn avatar.
Get Porkchop Weebottoms to do it

Also voting we only call him Porkchop Weebottoms from now on.

GenderSelectScreen
Mar 7, 2010

I DON'T KNOW EITHER DON'T ASK ME
College Slice
Option 1

Arglebargle III posted:

Wow I do not understand nerds getting angry at comedy CYOA books. If anything the way the OP has chosen to handle game-overs is making the book boring since we're just mechanically save-scumming to explore every path that doesn't lead to a dead-end. That sort of presentation is going to lead to the LP dead end! For this thread! Of course an adventure-is-chosen-by-you book loses its charm when you just read every outcome.

This would be true if the CYOA was good, but it's not. I do not want to keep making the same choices over and over to get to a new one when most choices lead to game over.

vmdvr
Aug 15, 2004
Watch out for Snakes!

Hitlers Gay Secret posted:

Option 1


This would be true if the CYOA was good, but it's not. I do not want to keep making the same choices over and over to get to a new one when most choices lead to game over.

Because of the nature of the book (has to contain the whole of the plot of hamlet plus choices relating to the play all the way to the many possible endings) and because the book is already over 700 pages Irl, anytime you choose to run completely in the opposite direction from the plot (or in our case, refuse to even start the plot), it's going to give you a game over fairly quickly. Because otherwise the book would have to be double or triple the size. I mean, the book isn't a Ghost Marine Biology choose your own adventure book, after all.

In essence: the choices don't suck (in that specific way, anyway), we've sucked at choosing, so far.

In that spirit, we need to get hamlet to kill for us.

yeah actually they will
Aug 18, 2012
What the gently caress are you retards doing

yeah actually they will
Aug 18, 2012
Are you seriously doing a let's play of a book

notoriousman
Nov 18, 2007

I'M AWARE I'M
AN IDIOT
Do yourself a favor, don't look through the rest of the forum.

yeah actually they will
Aug 18, 2012

notoriousman posted:

Do yourself a favor, don't look through the rest of the forum.

Jesus

yeah actually they will
Aug 18, 2012
My next Let's Play is going to be a SSLP (Screen shot let's play) of my DVD of Terminator 2, with audience participation in the form of periodical votes on whether or not i should go to the chapter selection menu and zone out at the thumbnails

GenderSelectScreen
Mar 7, 2010

I DON'T KNOW EITHER DON'T ASK ME
College Slice

no they will not posted:

Are you seriously doing a let's play of a book

Beats buying and reading it myself. I'm a lazy gently caress.

notoriousman
Nov 18, 2007

I'M AWARE I'M
AN IDIOT
We read books,, so you don't have to!!!

Ignatius M. Meen
May 26, 2011

Hello yes I heard there was a lovely trainwreck here and...

no they will not posted:

Are you seriously doing a let's play of a book

don't ever look up something like Choice of Robots on Steam, your innocence will be shattered forever

yeah actually they will
Aug 18, 2012
My new LP of the new Squarepusher LP should be up by Friday. Format will be close up of spinning vinyl with silent facecam inset of me reclining closing my eyes to better concentrate on the music. Audience participation will NOT affect the track order, but I will be allowing voting on the angle, distance etc of the camera in relation to the turntable. Updates will be bi-weekly, and be sure to check out my patreon if you enjoyed.

GenderSelectScreen
Mar 7, 2010

I DON'T KNOW EITHER DON'T ASK ME
College Slice

no they will not posted:

My new LP of the new Squarepusher LP should be up by Friday. Format will be close up of spinning vinyl with silent facecam inset of me reclining closing my eyes to better concentrate on the music. Audience participation will NOT affect the track order, but I will be allowing voting on the angle, distance etc of the camera in relation to the turntable. Updates will be bi-weekly, and be sure to check out my patreon if you enjoyed.

Quiet or the RGD posters will start unironically doing this.

Pittsburgh Lambic
Feb 16, 2011
It's time to finally see what the Ghost King's son can do about this situation. Let's go and coax him into murdering a family member.

quote:


We're prodded about whether we want to really do this. The second option just kicks us back to sneaking into Claudius's room and exploding him, so we're going to soldier ahead.

quote:



You decide you're going to get Hamlet to do a murder for you. Even though that's awful. That's awful, dude.

Listen, hypothetical question: let's say you do that and Hamlet is eventually successful and you are revenged. What would you do then? What would you do with your (after)life if revenge was no longer its driving force?

LIST OF HYPOTHETICAL (AFTER)LIFE CAREER CHOICES
  • Accountant
  • Actor
  • Amusement park employee
  • Animal husbandry
  • Animator
  • Architect
  • Athlete
  • Bakery owner
  • Bouncer
  • Brewmaster
  • Cake decorator
  • Chef
  • Comic book artist
  • Counsellor
  • Cowboy
  • Engineer
  • Explorer
  • Firefighter
  • Food critic
  • Game tester
  • Geologist
  • Librarian
  • Linguist
  • Long-haul trucker
  • Makeup artist
  • Marine biologist
  • Mechanic
  • Musician
  • Painter
  • Personal trainer
  • Photographer
  • Physician
  • Pilot
  • Policy analyst
  • Professional gambler
  • Professional golfer
  • Programmer
  • Researcher
  • Restaurateur
  • Roller derby player
  • Sex worker
  • Skateboarder
  • Spy
  • Tamer of ghost dinosaurs
  • Travel writer
  • Watchmaker
  • Waterslide builder
  • Waterslide tester
  • Welder
  • Window cleaner
  • Writer


That's a hell of a list. Are we sure we're going to go on and spread death and chaos in the world of the living instead?

In other news, the Steam release of To Be or Not To Be has an additional perk over the app: We can play the game with full audio narration by Matt Yantha! In actuality, it's not very functional in the game -- running audio narration causes new pages text blocks to appear automatically, and they try to match the flow of the narration but desync very badly. He's a good narrator, though, and very plain-spoken, for the most part ignoring all the allcaps and exclamation points littering Ryan North's style of writing. I'll be including the relevant audio clips in future updates, and am going to start editing past posts to have the same once I work out some issues with tindeck.

Pittsburgh Lambic fucked around with this message at 04:08 on Jun 5, 2015

ultrafilter
Aug 23, 2007

It's okay if you have any questions.


We can figure that out later. For now, it's murder time.

GenderSelectScreen
Mar 7, 2010

I DON'T KNOW EITHER DON'T ASK ME
College Slice
Murder

D3m3
Feb 28, 2013

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Look, there are apparently not alternate ways things can go on for any length if we stop and consider our possibilities, because that has not once worked thusfar. There is one path for Ghostdad, and it's to see our son murder a man.

Ignatius M. Meen
May 26, 2011

Hello yes I heard there was a lovely trainwreck here and...

Porkchop Weebottoms must kill.

Pittsburgh Lambic
Feb 16, 2011

Hitlers Gay Secret posted:

Option 1


This would be true if the CYOA was good, but it's not. I do not want to keep making the same choices over and over to get to a new one when most choices lead to game over.

On that note, kickstarter backers of this project received a special, four-pronged bookmark as one of the stretch goals:



For the express purpose of savescumming all to poo poo.

quote:

Sometimes when you read a book you want to save where you are and come back later, right? That's what a bookmark is for. But in a multiple-path book, usually you'll have your fingers in several places of the book, in case you make a mistake and need to go back. If only there was a bookmark designed specifically for books like these, and maybe it could be a Yorick skull with big ol' teeth, and maybe instead of calling it a bookmark we could get clever and call it a "Plot Device".

Pittsburgh Lambic fucked around with this message at 13:54 on Apr 21, 2015

yeah actually they will
Aug 18, 2012

Pittsburgh Lambic posted:

It's time to finally see what the Ghost King's son can do about this situation. Let's go and coax him into murdering a family member.


We're prodded about whether we want to really do this. The second option just kicks us back to sneaking into Claudius's room and exploding him, so we're going to soldier ahead.


That's a hell of a list. Are we sure we're going to go on and spread death and chaos in the world of the living instead?

In other news, the Steam release of To Be or Not To Be has an additional perk over the app: We can play the game with full audio narration by Matt Yantha! In actuality, it's not very functional in the game -- running audio narration causes new pages text blocks to appear automatically, and they try to match the flow of the narration but desync very badly. He's a good narrator, though, and very plain-spoken, for the most part ignoring all the allcaps and exclamation points littering Ryan North's style of writing. I'll be including the relevant audio clips in future updates, and am going to start editing past posts to have the same once I work out some issues with tindeck.

Justify this thread's existence, you little beast

Captain Bravo
Feb 16, 2011

An Emergency Shitpost
has been deployed...

...but experts warn it is
just a drop in the ocean.

Pittsburgh Lambic posted:

On that note, kickstarter backers of this project received a special, four-pronged bookmark as one of the stretch goals:



For the express purpose of savescumming all to poo poo.

That is the worst idea ever. Unless you flip to the first, or the last one, you're going to tear the bookmark.

GenderSelectScreen
Mar 7, 2010

I DON'T KNOW EITHER DON'T ASK ME
College Slice

no they will not posted:

Justify this thread's existence, you little beast

You can't even justify this book's existence. :negative:

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice

no they will not posted:

Justify this thread's existence, you little beast

I'll do it for them! This is, in fact, a video game that can be bought on Steam. As a game played on computers, it is a perfect fit for this, the LP subforum.

On a semi-relatedly note, I'm still waiting for the next update to your Peek-a-Boo LP. I understand that making updates for it is very time-consuming, but it would be nice to know how close you think you are to getting together that next set of pictures.

Glazius
Jul 22, 2007

Hail all those who are able,
any mouse can,
any mouse will,
but the Guard prevail.

Clapping Larry
Look, if you don't want to tame ghost dinosaurs, I don't know what that says about you, but it can't be good.

KirbyKhan
Mar 20, 2009



Soiled Meat
I am so happy that Marine Biologist is part of that list of careers.

yeah actually they will
Aug 18, 2012

Oblivion4568238 posted:

I'll do it for them! This is, in fact, a video game that can be bought on Steam. As a game played on computers, it is a perfect fit for this, the LP subforum.


i said justify its existence not prove it's not violating the Let's Play subforum rules

Ignatius M. Meen
May 26, 2011

Hello yes I heard there was a lovely trainwreck here and...

no they will not posted:

i said justify its existence not prove it's not violating the Let's Play subforum rules

same reason there was a let's read of that book about Railrunner in the book barn: when it's done, only one person will have had to spend money on the stupid game to see the content

Pittsburgh Lambic
Feb 16, 2011
because audience participation let's plays of CYOA books are A Thing in this subforum and this one was fresh/original enough to be worth having a look, that and the artwork is pretty cool

Glazius posted:

Look, if you don't want to tame ghost dinosaurs, I don't know what that says about you, but it can't be good.

The narrative seems to agree on this, considering how upset it's starting to get at our choices. Case in point:

quote:



...in which you induce your only son to commit a murderous act of revenge on your behalf when you're already dead anyway. It's -- kinda awful?

So if you want to tell Hamlet to go kill his stepfather, you can. In fact, look, you just did.

But now you are going to have to live with the consequences, AS THE MAN WHO YOU JUST INDUCED TO MURDER.

You are now your son, Hamlet! How's that taste, bucko?! Now you have to go do a murder!


Whoever this narrative claims to be, whether Ryan North or some other entity, the tone is getting rather vindictive. Should we accept this change of events or push back?

Pittsburgh Lambic fucked around with this message at 04:09 on Jun 5, 2015

Crepuscule Adepte
Feb 21, 2008

Why is my hair purple? It's from the blood of everyone that lost a bet against me.
Okay, this is getting ridiculous.

"You're not following the plot, so we're immediately ending this."

Fiiiiine, we'll follow the plot.

"You're actually following the plot? Are you sure? Are you really sure? Are you absolutely sure you want to follow the plot?

How dare you follow the plot!"

Make up your mind, book. Do you want us to follow the plot or not?!

ultrafilter
Aug 23, 2007

It's okay if you have any questions.


I think that's more of a "this is as much as we wrote for Claudius".

Stallion Cabana
Feb 14, 2012
1; Get into Grad School

2; Become better at playing Tabletop, both as a player and as a GM/ST/W/E

3; Get rid of this goddamn avatar.

ultrafilter posted:

I think that's more of a "this is as much as we wrote for Claudius".

It's almost as if he isn't the main character of the story this was based on.

Decoy Badger
May 16, 2009
gently caress it, play as Porkchop Weebottoms.

GenderSelectScreen
Mar 7, 2010

I DON'T KNOW EITHER DON'T ASK ME
College Slice
Play as Weebottoms

vmdvr
Aug 15, 2004
Watch out for Snakes!
I get the feeling ghost dad was added as an option at the end...there's not much for him. There's way WAY more content for porkchop and Ophelia.

Ignatius M. Meen
May 26, 2011

Hello yes I heard there was a lovely trainwreck here and...

Yeah we need to play as Porkchop now. I don't think we're gonna get any extra funsies out of ghost dad.

Cowboy Otis
Feb 23, 2015
Porkchop

Pittsburgh Lambic
Feb 16, 2011
We're leaving the Ghost King behind! He's had his run for now, though he might just reappear later anyway.

quote:



Yea, from the table of my memory
I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past
That youth and observation copied there;
And thy commandment all alone shall live
Within the book and volume of my brain,
Unmix'd with baser matter: yes, by heaven!


Your Ghost Dad seems pretty cool with that.



You have begun quest Kill Claudius! It's worth 3500 experience points. That's a lot!!


Our old friend the Yorick skull has finally re-appeared! We hadn't seen him since the character select screen, and he's... well, actually, he thinks this option is a little bit crazy, judging by the googly eyes.

Decisions with Yorick skulls are always safe decisions, and advance the story in accordance with the original play. Non-Yorick decisions may advance the story along the same path, may lead us into unexpected and/or bizarre alternate storylines, or may lead us straight off a cliff. Are we going to do as Yorick suggests this time, or defy him and see what happens?

Pittsburgh Lambic fucked around with this message at 04:09 on Jun 5, 2015

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Glazius
Jul 22, 2007

Hail all those who are able,
any mouse can,
any mouse will,
but the Guard prevail.

Clapping Larry
Well, we seem to live in a universe of terrible people. Let the sexism flow through you.

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