|
Hello fellow Goons! On this fine Easter Sunday I think it would be best for us to post about our favorite little-known Jesus facts! Everybody knows that Jesus died for our sins and all that blah blah blah poo poo, but did you know that Jesus invented crunk? I mean take a listen to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGneHMMKq-g Looking forward to seeing all of your little-known jesus facts!
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 17:52
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 25, 2024 06:20 |
|
|
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 17:52
|
|
|
100 Truths About Jesus Jesus claimed to be God, (John 8:24; 8:56-59 (see Exodus 3:14); John 10:30-33) Jesus is called God, (John 1:1, 14; 20:28; Col. 2:9; Titus 2:13; Heb. 1:8) Jesus is the image of the invisible God, (Heb. 1:3) Jesus abides forever, (Heb. 7:24) Jesus created all things, (John 1:1-3; Col. 1:15-17) Jesus is before all things, (John 1:1-3; Col. 1:17) Jesus is eternal, (John 1:1, 14; 8:58; Micah 5:1-2) Jesus is honored the same as the Father, (John 5:23) Jesus is prayed to, (Acts 7:55-60; 1 Cor. 1:2 with Psalm 116:4; John 14:14) Jesus is worshipped, (Matt. 2:2, 11; 14:33; John 9:35-38; Heb. 1:6) Jesus is omnipresent, (Matt. 18:20; 28:20) Jesus is with us always, (Matt. 28:20) Jesus is our only mediator between God and ourselves, (1 Tim. 2:5) Jesus is the guarantee of a better covenant, (Heb. 7:22; 8:6) Jesus said, "I AM the Bread of Life", (John 6:35, 41, 48, 51) Jesus said, "I AM the Door", (John 10:7, 9) Jesus said, "I AM the Good Shepherd", (John 10:11, 14) Jesus said, "I AM the Way the Truth and The Life", (John 14:6) Jesus said, "I AM the Light of the world", (John 8:12; 9:5; 12:46; Luke 2:32) Jesus said, "I AM the True Vine", (John 15:1, 5) Jesus said, "I AM the Resurrection and the Life", (John 11:25) Jesus said, "I AM the First and the Last", (Rev. 1:17; 2:8; 22:13) Jesus always lives to make intercession for us, (Heb. 7:25) Jesus cleanses from sin, (1 John 1:9) Jesus cleanses us from our sins by His blood, (Rev. 1:5; Rom. 5:9) Jesus forgives sins, (Matt. 9:1-7; Luke 5:20; 7:48) Jesus saves forever, (Matt. 18:11; John 10:28; Heb. 7:25) Jesus discloses Himself to us, (John 14:21) Jesus draws all men to Himself, (John 12:32) Jesus gives eternal life, (John 10:28; 5:40) Jesus resurrects, (John 5:39; 6:40, 44, 54; 11:25-26) Jesus gives joy, (John 15:11) Jesus gives peace, (John 14:27) Jesus has all authority, (Matt. 28:18; John 5:26-27; 17:2; 3:35) Jesus judges, (John 5:22, 27) Jesus knows all men, (John 16:30; John 21:17) Jesus opens the mind to understand scripture, (Luke 24:45) Jesus received honor and glory from the Father, (2 Pet. 1:17) Jesus reveals grace and truth, (John 1:17 see John 6:45) Jesus reveals the Father, (Matt. 11:27; Luke 10:22) Jesus bears witness of Himself, (John 8:18; 14:6) Jesus' works bear witness of Himself, (John 5:36; 10:25) The Father bears witness of Jesus, (John 5:37; 8:18; 1 John 5:9) The Holy Spirit bears witness of Jesus, (John 15:26) The multitudes bear witness of Jesus, (John 12:17) The Prophets bear witness of Jesus, (Acts 10:43) The Scriptures bear witness of Jesus, (John 5:39) The disciples bear witness of Jesus Christ, (John 15:27) The Father will honor us if we serve Jesus, (John 12:26 see Col. 3:24) The Father wants us to fellowship with Jesus, (1 Cor. 1:9) The Father tells us to listen to Jesus, (Luke 9:35; Matt. 17:5) Everyone who's heard & learned from the Father comes to Jesus, (John 6:45) We come to Jesus, (John 5:50; 6:35, 37, 45, 65; 7:37) The Father draws us to Jesus, (John 6:44) The Law leads us to Christ, (Gal. 3:24) Jesus is the Rock, (1 Cor. 10:4) Jesus is the Savior, (John 4:42; 1 John 4:14) Jesus is the King, (Matt. 2:1-6; Luke 23:3) In Jesus are the treasures of wisdom and knowledge, (Col. 2:2-3) In Jesus we have been made complete, (Col. 2:10) Jesus indwells us, (Col. 1:27) Jesus sanctifies, (Heb. 2:11) Jesus loves, (Eph. 5:25) We sin against Jesus, (1 Cor. 8:12) We receive Jesus, (John 1:12; Col. 2:6) Jesus makes many righteous, (Rom. 5:19) Jesus sends the Holy Spirit, (John 15:26) Jesus offered up Himself, (Heb. 7:27; 9:14) Jesus offered one sacrifice for sins for all time, (Heb. 10:12) The Son of God has given us understanding, (1 John 5:20) Jesus is the author and perfector of our faith, (Heb. 12:2) Jesus is the Apostle and High Priest of our confession, (Heb. 3:1) Jesus is preparing a place for us in heaven, (John 14:1-4) Jesus is the Light of the world, (John 8:12) Jesus has explained the Father, (John 1:18) Jesus was crucified because of weakness, (2 Cor. 13:4) Jesus has overcome the world, (John 16:33) Truth is in Jesus, (Eph. 4:21) The fruit of righteousness comes through Jesus Christ, (Phil. 1:11) Jesus delivers us from the wrath to come, (1 Thess. 1:10) Jesus died for us, (1 Thess. 5:10) Jesus died and rose again, (1 Thess. 4:14) Jesus was a ransom for many, (Matt. 20:28) The Christian dead have fallen asleep in Jesus, (1 Thess. 4:15) Jesus rendered the devil powerless, (Heb. 2:14) Jesus is able to save completely, (Heb. 7:25) Jesus came to serve, (Matt. 20:28) Jesus came to be a high priest, (Heb. 2:17) Jesus came to save, (John 3:17; Luke 19:10) Jesus came to preach the kingdom of God, (Luke 4:43) Jesus came to bring division, (Luke 12:51) Jesus came to do the will of the Father, (John 6:38) Jesus came to give the Father's words, (John 17:8) Jesus came to testify to the truth, (John 18:37) Jesus came to set us free from the Law, (Rom. 8:2) Jesus came to die and destroy Satan's power, (Heb. 2:14) Jesus came to fulfill the Law and the Prophets, (Matt. 5:17) Jesus came to give life, (John 10:10, 28) Jesus came to taste death for everyone, (Heb. 2:9) Jesus came to proclaim freedom for believers, (Luke 4:18)
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 17:53
|
|
|
god killed his only son... for you
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 17:53
|
|
|
Jesus had a son, but wasn't very proud of him so he left it out of the bible.
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 17:59
|
|
|
Jesus turned down a Nike sponsorship because he didn't want to be considered a sell out. For a while Judas had the sponsorship, but there was some sort of PR incident and he was dropped.
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 18:04
|
|
|
Jesus will flip tables and whip the poo poo out of you if he's tired of your bullshit so you better cut it out.
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 18:09
|
|
|
probably my favorite zombie
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 18:12
|
|
|
One day in Heaven God was feeling very horny. He was too tired to masturbate though. "Hmm" thought God "what a predicament". Then it struck him. He was all powerful, he didn't have to manually get himself off. He could make a sex slave! So then God went down to the earth and tried to find a good woman to bear an offspring. He went to a stable. Suddenly...Mary was there! Her husband Joseph had left. "Perfect" thought God "A young defenceless virgin girl she will make a good child bearer" then God went down and raped Mary. "if you tell anyone I'll loving kill you" god muttered to her. Mary nodded, terrified. 9 months later a baby Jesus was born. God came down to claim him. "my son!" said God "you will grow up for great things! you are indeed very sexy .perfect!" then God killed Mary because she was a dirty whore. God couldn't have sex with baby Jesus so he left him on the earth until he was grown up. 20 years later Jesus had grown up. He had done many good things in the world like killing the Romans and leading the jews through the red sea. God found this a turn on. God came down for Jesus one day whilst Jesus was being baptised. John the baptiser had left to go buy some beer and Jesus was left alone naked in the pool. He had a six pack, some chest hair and a manly stubble. God crept up silently behind him naked. "Jesus" said God. Jesus jumped but didn't turn around. "wh - who is this?" he asked tentatively. "your daddy" God reached down under the water to feel Jesus' rear end. It was firm and smooth. Then he reached round the front and stroked his huge cock. Jesus was a bit scared but also a bit turned on. He turned around to face God. God stood there proudly with his 12 inch penis waving in the wind. "hello son" he said sexily. Jesus was scared, and tried to disguise his erection. "what do you want?" he whispered. "I want you to suck me" god said in a low voice. Jesus obeyed. He closed his mouth around the throbbing shaft and deepthroated God. "mmm yes more" God cried. "suck me harder bitch, harder!" Jesus continued sucking him off until God couldn't take any more. He was shuddering in ecstacy, his face sweaty. "more! more!" Suddenly God ejaculated into Jesus' mouth. Jesus swallowed all of his cum, savouring every last drop. He sucked until god's cock was completely dry. "wow that sure beats fapping" God breathed heavily. "are we done yet" Jesus asked, secretely hoping that there was more to come. "we're not finished yet!" God roared powerfully. There was a desk nearby. God forcefully grabbed Jesus and slammed him onto the desk in doggie position. God thrust his erect penis into Jesus' rear end in a top hat, and Jesus' screamed in pain. "take it like a man son" God yelled as he pounded Jesus' sorry rear end again and again. Jesus moaned in pain, his eyes filling with tears. God thrust faster and faster, harder and harder, breathing rapidly. Jesus panted and groaned with pleasure and pain. "I've never took it in the rear end before" Jesus panted, lost for breath. God was grunting louder, as he began to near his climax. Jesus was also grunting in exsquisite agony. God became so excited he couldn't hold it in any longer. He pulled out and sprayed his load all over Jesus rear end. Jesus came at the same time, he let out one scream of unbearable pleasure. All the cum swirled and mixed around in the water, Jesus flopped down into a chair, exhausted and relieved. God stood up panting. Suddenly God noticed someone standing by some trees. John had returned from the shops to finish baptising Jesus. "I'm sorry" John apologised "I didn't wanna interrupt" God noticed that John had an erection. He got an idea. "not to worry John" god said "Are you up for a threesome?" Before John could give an answer God grabbed John's bulging hard-on through his toga. "Ouch!" said John, his erection getting larger. "My" Jesus exclaimed "You're penis is getting huge!" God grinned as his magicked John's cock bigger. "This is what I like to call... a miracle." God grinned and licked his lips seductively. Jesus was really horny from being hosed by God, and wanted to give but was too afraid to ask. But God knew what Jesus was thinking and waved his rear end out at him. Jesus proceeded to gently caress God's rear end, relishing the oppurtunity. "Oh yeah, that's it son" God grunted. He then grabbed John who was now naked and began sucking his throbbing and now (thanks to God) 2 foot shaft. John began writhing in pleasure and God moaned from the feeling of Jesus pounding his rear end and the pleasure of sucking off John's massive cock. Just when John was about to come God stopped the blowjob. John looked disapointed but God made him turn around. The Baptist braced himself for what he knew was coming. God began loving him gently and god harder and harder until he was in sync with jesus (who was still buttsexing God) "Oh GOD!" John moaned ecstatically. "Say it again" God groaned. "OHHH GOOOD" John the Baptist came and so did God shortly and Jesus.
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 18:13
|
|
|
It's hard to pick just one favourite cricketing anecdote about our Lord and saviour Jesus Christ but the following was certainly memorable. It was a county match in England between Somerset and Glamorgan. An unknown batsman with unknown talent, named Jesus Christ was at the crease. Greg Thomas, the Glamorgan fast bowler thundered in and beat the great man's bat. 'It's red and it's round. Can't you see it?', the bowler taunted Christ. The next ball was an action replay. The ball pitched three quarters of length on middle and off, seamed away, and once again Christ was all at sea and comprehensively beaten. 'It's red and it's round and it weighs four-and-a-half ounces. Can't you see it?', Greg Thomas quipped. Jesus took a stroll, summoned his powers of concentration, swung his arms around, took a fresh guard and got ready for the next ball. Greg Thomas came running in. The delivery was right in the slot, and Jesus launched into one of his trademark shots and smashed the ball out of the ground and straight into the river that flowed around it. The maestro told the hapless bowler who almost died watching the ball go, 'You know what it looks like... now go and get it!'
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 18:19
|
|
|
Did you know Jesus was a jew?
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 18:29
|
|
|
Stumpalitious posted:\ hes dead
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 18:30
|
|
|
amityville anus posted:Did you know Jesus was a jew? Jesus just needs to believe in himself.
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 18:32
|
|
|
god cucked jesus's dad
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 18:33
|
|
|
It was an immaculate conception God immaculated all up in that pussy
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 18:34
|
|
|
Top City Homo posted:god cucked jesus's dad joseph is the most beta bitch in history
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 18:36
|
|
|
fyodor posted:joseph is the most beta bitch in history racist whites also love to be cucked god is black
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 18:39
|
|
|
raptor jesus died for your sins what are THEY hiding here 
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 18:40
|
|
I CANNOT EJACULATE WITHOUT SEEING NATIVE AMERICANS BRUTALISED!
|
364 day respawn timer for TK probably
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 18:40
|
|
|
amityville anus posted:Did you know Jesus was a jew? Pretty sure he was Buddhist. Got a reference?
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 18:42
|
|
|
Jesus only died because he forgot his safeword
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 18:43
|
|
|
Nigmaetcetera posted:Jesus only died because he forgot his safeword i didn't realise christians were supposed to be in gorean relationships but now everything makes sense
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 18:50
|
|
|
Jesus mows the lawn 15% faster than Francisco
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 18:53
|
|
|
He was a master swordsman, a regular street samurai
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 19:02
|
|
|
jesus was a skilled practitioner in sleight of hand
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 19:05
|
|
|
Fonzarelli posted:jesus was a skilled practitioner in sleight of hand also loved to get loaded and hang out with prostitutes
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 19:06
|
|
|
He was an overhyped prospect for the NY Yankees and got traded for another overhyped prospect from the Seattle Mariners, Michael Pineda. Then he proceeded to try and eat himself out of the league but decided to get into shape, more than likely he won't amount to poo poo in baseball but he is Jesus so who the hell knows what'll happen.
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 19:42
|
|
|
Mary was the imaculate conception. Also if you see a dog laying a chocolate egg let him hide it for kids to find later
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 20:13
|
|
|
bluewedge posted:we are the dying retard children of a human being god
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 20:16
|
|
|
Jesus didn't have teen years because a horny pubescent teen doesn't make a very good messiah .
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 20:18
|
|
|
Jesus is a pretty cool guy. Eh fights Satan and doesn't afraid of anything! If you live like Jesus wants you to live you will probably have a good life and be fairly chill but you may have some angry Christians coming after you with torches and pitchforks.
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 23:16
|
|
|
* a quality showman
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 23:24
|
|
|
CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:Jesus is a pretty cool guy. Eh fights Satan and doesn't afraid of anything! I'm like Jesus in that I don't work and never plan to ~* Christian Lifestyle *~
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 23:30
|
|
|
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 23:33
|
|
|
He was a short little swarthy brown dude and absolutely not a tall white man
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 23:36
|
|
|
Jesus was a socialist.
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 23:36
|
|
|
Cake Smashing Boob posted:I'm like Jesus in that I don't work and never plan to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9c1vSIpHA0
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 23:38
|
|
|
He fixed the phone line on Thursday.
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 23:44
|
|
|
This is a lovely, lovely song.
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 23:46
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 25, 2024 06:20 |
|
|
Flesh Forge posted:He was a short little swarthy brown dude and absolutely not a tall white man You don't know how tall Jesus was, people tend to greatly overestimate how much human height has changed over time
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2015 23:47
|
|