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I was wondering how other goons deal with income unequality in their relationship (lol goons). I have been in a relationship since 2006, she moved in with me in 2009, we got married in 2013. I pay for everything, insurance, food, clothes, holidays, entertainment, the mortgage. She is 2 years older than I am, but switched studies in 2009 and is still working on graduating (I am paying for her studies). During her studies, she has made *some* money with an internship (she is studying to be a Spanish teacher) and she worked in a clothes store for a long time. However, the last year or so she hasn't had a job. She was complaining the other day about how she doesn't have a dime to her name, and even the house is in my name. And should we ever break up for some reason (we are perfectly happy and there is currently no chance at this) I would be fine, but she wouldn't even be able to move in to a hotel. She suggested I should pay her money, but I am already paying for everything. Any other goons in the same boat?
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Apr 17, 2015 14:12
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I make roughly 150% of my S/O's salary, so we generally split or switch off paying, with me picking up the extra odd bill here and there. We keep rough track, but don't figure in any specific figures; a good relationship isn't about keeping score. That said, your wife is clearly trying to take advantage of you. You cover everything for her, and now she wants you to pay her for what, existing? If she's concerned that she doesn't have any money, she should get a job, not simply ask you for more. What does she do all day, anyway? You say that she switched studies in 2009, but it's 2015 now -- that's way, way more time than should be necessary for a degree. It sounds like she's not really contributing anything financially but asking the world of you.
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Apr 17, 2015 14:50
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Not a Children posted:That said, your wife is clearly trying to take advantage of you. You cover everything for her, and now she wants you to pay her for what, existing? Um, they're married. If one spouse is working and the other is working it isn't "taking advantage" to expect the spouse who is working to cover everything. I'd say it is more wierd that they didn't talk about this beforehand. The question is a BFC question. But the issue seems more E/N than anything else.
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Apr 17, 2015 15:48
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I guess I don't really understand the dynamics of marriage, never having been in one myself. I do know that if I was already paying for room, board, entertainment, food, and 6+ years of education for a significant other, and then they asked me to start paying them for the sake of not feeling penniless, I'd feel pretty put upon. Providing for a significant other is one thing that I do not begrudge one bit, but the point where she's asking for money for the sake of having money raises an eyebrow.
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Apr 17, 2015 16:35
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I think the main issue is that she is taking 6+ years to potentially end up as a Spanish teacher. I feel like there could be a lot of reasons it would take that long - does she have a learning disability? Is she lazy/out partying and not putting in the effort? Or is she just happy to be freeloading? How I would react in your situation would depend a lot on why it is taking her so long to graduate with a degree in not exactly the most challenging subject in the world.
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Apr 17, 2015 16:46
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Being married I thought it was weird for her to ask to be 'paid.' My wife and I have been together for 10 years, married for 8. During the first 6 years, she was finishing her degree and two masters afterward (she also switched fields). While she worked part time to help keep the student loan debt down, there wasn't much left over from her. I made about 90% of our money during this time, but she never really asked for much either. I usually took care of the bills, and we had a rule that any purchase over $50 was discussed for both of us. We were really frugal during this time, so the thought of her having an 'allowance' would be really weird. In the last couple of years, her career has really taken off and we're near parity income wise. We now have 3 banks accounts - 1 Ally Checkings for bills we both contribute to, an Ally Savings for our e-fund, 1 checking account for her, and 1 for me where out discretionary goes for whatever we want to spend that month. I don't care what she buys as long as its within her budget, and vice versa (sans hookers and blow). Maybe you guys can budget a discretionary, and go from there?
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Apr 17, 2015 16:52
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This seems weird all around. OP, you and your wife don't sit down and set a budget before the first of every month? Why not? I think she should have discretionary money, but this is something you should fit into your budget and discuss monthly. There is no reason for you to be so controlling that she is flat broke especially when married. It's a JOINT household. That said, why is she taking 6yrs and why isn't she working?! I worked part to full time during school, and now that I'm graduated my gf is going to school and also working FT (we traded off going to school so we could help take care of the household, while we worked FT). What are her school plans and why is it taking so long?
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Apr 17, 2015 16:57
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I agree with her, you are should implement a progressive household income tax. Then you can spend it on a stimulus package to provide jobs for the poorer half of the population.
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Apr 17, 2015 17:33
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What do you call a drummer who just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless! Does your wife play in a rock band? Can I come live in your house and have you pay my tuition, and possibly draw a salary from you? Looking forward to the update where he reveals that he just discovered his wife has multiple secret credit cards.
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Apr 17, 2015 17:38
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A couple thoughts 1: You think you're both perfectly happy and there's no chance of a breakup. Time to pull your head out of your rear end. She's already thinking about it right now or she wouldn't have brought this up. Someone in a healthy relationship with no fear of it ending in the future doesn't plan an "out" or worry about not having enough money if they have to leave a situation. I've been through this, I saw the writing on the wall with an ex that controlled all the finances, I had to get a PO Box, open a secret bank account, and squirrel money away for 6 months so I could afford to move out of a toxic situation. This didn't come out of nowhere and you need to really objectively evaluation you relationship 2: Does she have any kind of money that's earmarked for her personal use? Income inequality in a relationship can bring up hard feelings, especially if you're buying all sorts of crap all the time while she can't afford anything. I'm not suggesting it's like that now, just curious. I'm a big fan of setting aside a certain amount of funds on a monthly or bi-weekly basis that each partner can do whatever they want with, without any flack or bullshit from the other partner. Almost like an allowance, some folks call it "mad money" or whatever. If you each get 200 dollars a month to do whatever you please with, it can help with money related relationship stress. If you want to blow your 200 dollars on video games, that's your prerogative and she can't say anything about it. If she buys a 200 dollar purse, well it was her discretionary funds, so thats what she chose to use them on. 3: Back to looking at your relationship. You're married to a 35 year old woman who hasn't worked in a year or more and is taking her sweet rear end time getting a degree to enter the lucrative field of Spanish teaching. I poked at your post history, is there a big demand for Spanish teachers where you live? I'm going to take a few guesses here... You're a bit nerdy, probably a little goony, and your wife is probably really attractive being from Aruba and all. You have a good paying IT job and afford a nice lifestyle for the both of you of which she has had to contribute little to nothing towards in the last 6 years. You are a sugar daddy at this point, you can choose to embrace that fact, or not but I really don't see things getting better for you, especially if you have kids in the future. You think she's going to raise kids and work too?
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Apr 17, 2015 18:29
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Obviously we're only seeing one side of the story here, but it sounds like you're already being super generous paying for all household expenses AND for her studies for 6+ years. The last few years of college I was taking fairly heavy courseloads for CS and usually had a job. I find it hard to believe that she can't handle a part-time job while studying Spanish, especially since it sounds like she's taking her sweet time finishing the degree. Like, I'd expect that someone who started her bachelor's when she was 29 (?) and was able to completely focus on her studies with no job or child-related distractions would be able to get through a degree pretty quickly. 6 years is a very long time for someone in that situation. Cicero fucked around with this message at 19:23 on Apr 17, 2015 |
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Apr 17, 2015 19:19
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 Came in to say "We have joint checking and savings, and we budget based on a whole-income basis rather than his/hers" but drat. Your relationship at face value sounds like a parent and a child who lives at home while going to college.The reason she does not have discretionary spending is because she does not make money. "Duh," but it's true. What does her day-to-day schedule look like? Does she have evenings or weekends free that she could go back to the clothing store for $100 a week spending money? Could she tutor high schoolers on the side? Another angle: I have never lived in a stay-at-home-mom/wife househould, and am not sure how people usually work finances out in that situation, but does she do the lions share of the housework? I suppose I could see trading off some of the money you earn at a traditional job for the ability to come home and never have to look at laundry or scrub a toilet.
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Apr 17, 2015 20:15
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drat Bananas posted:
I don't think this is a money problem. This is a deep relationship problem, and I think you, your wife, and you & your wife need counseling. ASAP.
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Apr 17, 2015 20:47
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Maybe show her exactly how many hours she'd need to work at The Gap to pay for six years of higher education and room and board?
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Apr 17, 2015 20:55
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I'm sorta in a similar boat. I currently make something close to 4x what my girlfriend of 6 years makes and I cover most everything. On the other hand she's A working and B 80% of her check is going to pay off her crazy student loans so I'm more than happy to actively support us while she takes care of that huge monkey on her back. That said she does have some money as she works and is saving what she can AND uses some discretionary income to help out occasionally with groceries. It's not ideal but that's mainly because of close to 6 figure student loans, once that's under control I expect things will even out.
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Apr 17, 2015 21:23
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I make about 50k a year right now and that will soon go to 100k. She has a lot of social anxiety and when she had a job she was intimidated and forced out by her bosses. Whole experience was very horrible but she put all the money she made into the relationship. She has been honest with me about the nature of her anxiety and recent depression. But she cleans the house, takes care of the cat and is taking over more and more of the household chores and food prep and such. She is also help in me with budget in and planning. We accepted the reality that my earning power is greater than hers given my skills and existing profitable business. Me putting in +8 hours of work and -8 hours of contribution to cleaning and household responsibilities will produce more income than if she got even a full time job in this environment. So we discuss the total of the household finances. We then make a budget including first fixed bills, then food gas and insurance for car and life. What is left over we each take 100 dollars of discretionary cash, and shunt 10 percent into savings from what remains. The rest goes on debts (we will be debt free within 6months at this rate.) Everyone's situation is different but this is ours. We each have equal unquestioned discretionary money. I note we make all purchases on a travel rewards credit card which we then pay off before any interest accrues and if we want to do something spur of the moment we just take it out of our discretionary or next month's. In our case the benefits of her taking care of things at home more than equalize the sense of contribution in our relationship and she frees me up to improve our situation more. You have to have an honest conversation about what each of you brings to the table. In my case we are planning for a shared life and shared retirement so sharing the responsibility of limit in our discretionary spending works well.
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Apr 17, 2015 22:44
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If you're not married, I'm a big fan of the proportional splitting idea. My girlfriend and I just use Google Wallet (could be Venmo, Paypal, etc.) and whatever we buy, we just request the other person help pay their proportional amount.
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Apr 17, 2015 23:07
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OP, i think it is time to trade up. You got to bite the bullet on the sunk cost that is your marriage.
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Apr 17, 2015 23:13
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My wife isn't working right now, but she has a bank card for my account and could at any time completely empty it if she wanted, but she doesn't because she's responsible. Not everybody can work within a dynamic like that, and some people prefer to keep their money separate and there's nothing wrong with that but it's pretty difficult when you're not both working. Asking to get an allowance isn't that weird in and of itself in a relationship with income disparity... it's just more the way she seems to have broached it that seems awkward.
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Apr 17, 2015 23:20
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skipdogg posted:A couple thoughts quote:2: Does she have any kind of money that's earmarked for her personal use? Income inequality in a relationship can bring up hard feelings, especially if you're buying all sorts of crap all the time while she can't afford anything. I'm not suggesting it's like that now, just curious. I'm a big fan of setting aside a certain amount of funds on a monthly or bi-weekly basis that each partner can do whatever they want with, without any flack or bullshit from the other partner. Almost like an allowance, some folks call it "mad money" or whatever. If you each get 200 dollars a month to do whatever you please with, it can help with money related relationship stress. If you want to blow your 200 dollars on video games, that's your prerogative and she can't say anything about it. If she buys a 200 dollar purse, well it was her discretionary funds, so thats what she chose to use them on. quote:3: Back to looking at your relationship. You're married to a 35 year old woman who hasn't worked in a year or more and is taking her sweet rear end time getting a degree to enter the lucrative field of Spanish teaching. I poked at your post history, is there a big demand for Spanish teachers where you live? I'm going to take a few guesses here... You're a bit nerdy, probably a little goony, and your wife is probably really attractive being from Aruba and all. You have a good paying IT job and afford a nice lifestyle for the both of you of which she has had to contribute little to nothing towards in the last 6 years.
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Apr 18, 2015 02:29
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I make double what my girlfriend makes but we met five years ago when we were both broke and basically unemployed. She was selling chestnuts outside of a supermarket and I was running odd jobs for a production studio. No matter what happens or what she makes we both started at nothing so I don't hold her income against her. Sometimes she mentions the income disparity but it'll never bother me. She'll just have to deal with it/make more money. What I'm trying to say op is lose your job and become this close to being homeless and it'll do wonders for your relationship.
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Apr 18, 2015 06:12
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How does a married couple differentiate between 'your money' and 'my money'...? One couple, one pot of money. Do you keep track of who helps out more around the house, who consumes what groceries, how each individual person is tracking on savings towards goals (car/retirement/house)?
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Apr 18, 2015 06:58
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It sounds to me like you're getting taken advantage of but we don't have the whole story so I'm hesitant to suggest you kick her to the curb. I know a lot of couples are perfectly happy with one spouse making all the money and handling all the finances and the other spouse contributing more to the household upkeep, raising kids, etc. If this is the case you need to talk about it and be open with your expectations of each person's role in the relationship and budget for discretionary spending so she doesn't feel like your financial slave. I've also seen a lot of dudes end up with foreign wives from different cultures and they're just straight up getting played. It usually goes like this: sex with an exotic woman who's way out of their league, get married, sex stops and spending increases. In this case you gotta break up and take the alimony hit.
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Apr 18, 2015 12:07
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app posted:How does a married couple differentiate between 'your money' and 'my money'...? One couple, one pot of money. This is what I was thinking. Your assets are tied together. As a family, you chose to invest in your wife's education and you will reap the rewards as a family. If your wife is concerned that she has no savings, get a joint savings account and throw everything in there.
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Apr 18, 2015 17:44
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app posted:How does a married couple differentiate between 'your money' and 'my money'...? One couple, one pot of money. Do you keep track of who helps out more around the house, who consumes what groceries, how each individual person is tracking on savings towards goals (car/retirement/house)? By communicating. For the bulk of our marriage my wife and I have earned comparable incomes and have split everything 50/50. We've never even brought up the idea of my groceries vs. Her groceries or I do more housework so I should have more spending money. We each have $100/week of pocket money for whatever but everything else is a mutual decision. We split the jobs around the house based on what we both think is fair and we talk about it when it feels lopsided. Neither of us wants to be in a relationship where everything is tracked, assigned value and held against the other. The underlying principle is that we're a team and getting butthurt because she eats more of the groceries since I eat at work won't do anybody any good.
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Apr 19, 2015 18:58
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I grew up poor with my ex-wife. When we graduated, we agreed that since she made bank right out of the gate, I would handle all chores and cooking on the stipulation that I pursue my masters. And I did, for three years, but it was rough. I was never led to feel like the money was "ours" and ended up stealing groceries in order to both provide a good meal and avoid being yelled at for spending her money. When I got my acceptance letter into a state school's Public Administration program and she balked at the pricetag, I knew my marriage was over. Arguing about finances isn't a BFC problem, it's a relationship problem.
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Apr 19, 2015 19:32
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I wouldn't say she is trying to take advantage of me. This question probably came around because she feels completely dependent on me, but that is unfortunately the case even if I do give her an allowance. It must feel very lovely for her to be dependant like this. However, she does most of our domestic work like cooking, cleaning etc. and only in the weekends do I help out with that. We always buy groceries together. My paycheck comes into my personal bank account. We have a shared bank account too and each month I send money there, which covers fixed costs like mortgage, insurances, gas and groceries. She uses that account to pay for groceries as well and any shared stuff we need for the house. What is left over on my own account goes into my savings account which I use to pay for holidays and to have some money handy in case poo poo happens with the car or household appliances. I do not go crazy buying stuff for myself, and when she needs anything at all I will pay it for her. When she goes out with friends (which she doesn't do often) I give her my card or transfer what she paid later. She does not have a learning disability or anything, but she is not very good at studying, plus Dutch is her 5th language so she always has trouble with the large reports she has to make for her classes (I check them for Dutch spelling etc). Then also last year we've had one miscarriage at 9,5 weeks plus an ectopic pregnancy which both sent her to the hospital for a day and which obviously did not have a positive influence on her ability/drive to study. This week she is luckily starting to work at the clothes store again, which will hopefully help her feel less dependent. Thanks for all the replies.
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Apr 20, 2015 09:59
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app posted:How does a married couple differentiate between 'your money' and 'my money'...? One couple, one pot of money. Do you keep track of who helps out more around the house, who consumes what groceries, how each individual person is tracking on savings towards goals (car/retirement/house)? It's the only thing that makes sense to me, and I would never go into a relationship with shared finances. As a person with a decent income, there is nothing I could possibly gain from it. If I did enter a relationship with heavy unequality, such as a non-working wife, I would give her an allowance or pay for certain things as I see fit. This probably won't fly in the modern Western culture, but in other cultures I am sure it could work.
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Apr 20, 2015 10:50
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As a married man with shared finances, one bank account between us, I find the idea of maintaining private bank accounts between spouses really strange and this is where your problem lies, OP. When you marry someone, there's no more "me". Good god you make your wife borrow your debit card to go out with friends? I guess if you make so much money that you're a miserable selfish miser like the poster above me apparantly, it makes sense to have separate accounts and dole out a pittance to your wife every week whom you bothered to marry but don't seem to trust. The Shep fucked around with this message at 10:58 on Apr 20, 2015 |
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Apr 20, 2015 10:56
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Cmdr. Shepard posted:As a married man with shared finances, one bank account between us, I find the idea of maintaining private bank accounts between spouses really strange and this is where your problem lies, OP. Same, especially when it comes to things like kids and home loans. My wife wasn't keen on the idea and I played along for a little while after we got married, but her constant number tracking to make sure everything was perfectly 50/50 annoyed the ever living poo poo out of me, I could never figure out why she wanted it like that, I made more money and was the one doing most of the household spending (my theory was I pay for things, she pays for things, it all balances out in the end). Now we have a joint home loan and a kid in a week or two, there's no loving way in the world we'd have anything but 100% joint at this point.
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Apr 20, 2015 11:13
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Cmdr. Shepard posted:When you marry someone, there's no more "me".
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Apr 20, 2015 11:41
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Pilsner posted:Dear God, what a terribly sad attitude to have. If it makes you and your wife happy, fine, but I am still an individual who can do things on his own, even though I am married.  on no kids yetEDIT: Also, you're married, unless there was a pre-nup, your partner's getting at least half anyway, so I don't know what the point of your separate finances are.
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Apr 20, 2015 11:47
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Rudager posted:
I have never in my life (except online) heard a man say that he is now not an individual, but a "we", as in one with his partner. I have only heard that in a derogatory sense from ex-men about poo poo their terrible ex-wives said.
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Apr 20, 2015 13:14
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Pilsner posted:Dear God, what a terribly sad attitude to have. If it makes you and your wife happy, fine, but I am still an individual who can do things on his own, even though I am married. I am an individual who does what he wants and so is my wife. It just all comes out if the same account. If I want to buy something expensive I discuss it with her first. The fact you said that you have "nothing to gain" from a shared account tells me all I need to know about you anyways and your mindset on the power balance within a marriage. Your wife must be very happy having to prostitute herself out to you to get a few bucks so she can get out for a night away from your controlling grasp. Things you also said about income inequality: - give her an allowance - pay for things as you see fit. Are you a husband from the 1950s?
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Apr 20, 2015 13:47
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Cmdr. Shepard posted:Are you a husband from the 1950s? This sounds very much to be the case. Whatever works I guess...
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Apr 20, 2015 14:29
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Pilsner posted:I have a kid and a pre-nup, but nice try. Pilsner posted:What are trying to gain from stressing that it's "our" house? You should use this as an advantage for yourself; if it's your house then it's natural that you also decide an have the final say in more issues. I just bought a house for myself, and if I find a girl I want to move in with me, you can be drat sure I will be stressing that ultimately, it is my house and that I decide where things go and what to spend money on with regards to repairs, decoration, etc. Take it or leave it. I guess you found a girl, a prenup, and had a kid in the last 12 days? That was fast. Or do you just have a prenup and a kid with your NPC Everquest wife?
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Apr 20, 2015 14:33
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Droo posted:I guess you found a girl, a prenup, and had a kid in the last 12 days? That was fast. Thanks to the pre-nup and separate economies, there has also been nothing to argue about during the divorce regarding finances, which is great. Do note that I am in another country to the USA, so culture and laws are different here. Cmdr. Shepard posted:I am an individual who does what he wants and so is my wife.
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Apr 20, 2015 16:46
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Maybe it's a culture thing but my parents each have incomes and separate bank accounts (and a shared one). I didn't expect that me mentioning that would create such a shitstorm in here. Also yes we have a pre-nup which is not usual in the NL, although I think at least thinking about it before marriage is a smart thing to do.
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Apr 20, 2015 16:54
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Pilsner posted:I'm getting divorced within the next month That's what we needed to know, thanks.
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Apr 20, 2015 16:56
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I can see how financial arrangements would vary both culturally and for different couples. You should be budgeting together regardless of who is taking in the money. Both couples should have discretionary money. Figure out a way to make that happen.
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Apr 20, 2015 17:07
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