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This doesn't mean 'everything you've done' is a lie. This is a 'lie', or an act, in a specific area of life. It's moe like someone who pretended to really like whatever their family was into--football, let's say--and you went along with it and then you tell them you never actually were, you were faking it. Is there some shock? Sure. But in terms of the lie, you only affected yourself. You might have wasted people's time who tried to set you up with stuff. But you didn't get anything from your lie, you didn't gain, and people would accept that.
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May 16, 2015 12:15
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lizardman posted:Weird analogy: say that for most of your life you told everyone in your life that you were Irish (actual Irish people reading, insert another nationality). You put on a fake Irish accent 24/7, you did stereotypical Irish things, dyed your hair and put on makeup to look more Irish, dated Irish folks (regardless if you were attracted to them or had any affection) just to keep up appearances, listened to music that came from Ireland regardless if you liked it, you went out drinking at pubs all the time even though it wasn't something you enjoyed doing because you thought it would make you seem more Irish. The big difference between pretending to be straight and pretending to be Irish is people are not generally bullied or given the cold shoulder or beaten up if they're not Irish. You had reasons for living as you did/do. Living closeted messes with your head. It's natural for steps towards a greater openeness to feel weird and uncomfortable. Try not to dwell on the past or what you could have done. You made the decisions that were right for you at the time, now you have to think about what you want to do in the future. Also, people make pretty big changes all the time. They go back to school, they move to a very different place, they end (or begin) a relationship, and their lifestyle changes radically along the way. Doesn't mean they were at any time "inauthentic", but it does mean they tried different things and (hopefully) became more confident about what they really wanted. Poison Cake fucked around with this message at 16:58 on May 16, 2015 |
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May 16, 2015 16:49
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FreudianSlippers posted:They all already know you're gay. When you come out the main response is going to be "We've known for years.". This was the case with my brother-in-law. When he actually "came out" it was like "Yeah, I know." The only family member to make a thing out of it was my mother-in-law (who makes a thing about everything). Everybody else was pretty accepting.
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May 19, 2015 14:00
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Cat Army
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I'm posting just because I've got a friend from University days who, I think, has pretty much been in OP's stage 2 his whole life. He's never talked about relationships or people he likes, etc. It's taken years of cajoling from multiple people and early on convincing him to start drinking alcohol ( #truth) before he actually told anyone that he was gay. He's still uwilling to tell his family, in part because he's worried about their reaction (I've met most of them and aside from his older sister I can't imagine why this is the case) but I suspect he's in a somewhat similar position to the OP.I'd say that obviously the issue is in your head, but then that's severely unhelpful. I feel I've experienced a similar situation, if I lay it out let me know if it sounds radically different or if you recognise something? A few years ago I started a PhD and after 7 or 8 months realised I really didn't like what I was doing. As a fairly obvious result my work started to suffer pretty badly as I quickly lost all motivation. Rather than sensibly approaching the issue I started to withdraw from anyone who was involved in the department (including my supervisors). I didn't talk about my work with family or friends if I could avoid it and stopped talking to some friends from my MA programme largely because I knew they'd be asking me how my research was going and possibly want to compare research. It carried on for far longer than it should have done (well over 6 months of basically avoiding the world, daydreaming about having a sit down with everyone and explaining the whole situation and then not doing much more than drafting emails) and the end result was a lot less interesting or judgemental than I'd expected. I still haven't really talked to many people about what actually happened, they get a simple 'I realised I didn't like it that much' rather than 'I was lying to your for like a year about my work and how I was doing every time we talked'. In that regard I think I can appreciate your position OP and I'm sure you're aware that from an outside perspective you should just come out and it probably will be only about as bad as you think rather than you fear or feel it might be. You haven't though mentioned whether you're actually engaging in a social life now that you're no longer faking a straight life. I think advice wise it would help to know if you've simply retreated from the issue entirely by ignoring it entirely or if you're concern really is coming clean with people you feel you've been lying to for so long.
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May 21, 2015 16:51
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I can't speak for the OP but I would say that your situation does sound similar to me, before I came out to my friends Rather than faking anything with them I would just not explain what I was thinking or feeling to the point where I distanced myself completely. I'd mentally weigh up anything that I said to see if it would logically lead back to them discovering my horrible secret. Second guessing everything that you say becomes extremely tiresome and one day I guess I just decided it was too hard to keep it up. It worked out great in the end but I still remember the most awkward feeling when I blurted it out one night. To explain a bit about coming out to family; You're always worried about what people's reactions might be. It's often easier to feel safe with the status quo rather than gamble on how you might be treated or seen after you come out. Also if you came out to friends or an acquaintance and they had a bad reaction it isn't as life shattering as if the same thing happened with a parent, they can't be replaced as easily.
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May 22, 2015 08:28
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Not trying to abandon the thread, just couldn't work up the  to post responses for a while.GORDON posted:I made too many decisions in my life based on what other people and family thought would make me happy. I dumped the girls they didn't like. I married the one they disliked the least. I went to the school they wanted me to go to, studied what they thought I should study. Your early 20's kind of suck for decision making. Poison Cake posted:Also, people make pretty big changes all the time. They go back to school, they move to a very different place, they end (or begin) a relationship, and their lifestyle changes radically along the way. Doesn't mean they were at any time "inauthentic", but it does mean they tried different things and (hopefully) became more confident about what they really wanted. MrNemo posted:I feel I've experienced a similar situation, if I lay it out let me know if it sounds radically different or if you recognise something? A few years ago I started a PhD and after 7 or 8 months realised I really didn't like what I was doing. As a fairly obvious result my work started to suffer pretty badly as I quickly lost all motivation. Rather than sensibly approaching the issue I started to withdraw from anyone who was involved in the department (including my supervisors). I didn't talk about my work with family or friends if I could avoid it and stopped talking to some friends from my MA programme largely because I knew they'd be asking me how my research was going and possibly want to compare research. It carried on for far longer than it should have done (well over 6 months of basically avoiding the world, daydreaming about having a sit down with everyone and explaining the whole situation and then not doing much more than drafting emails) and the end result was a lot less interesting or judgemental than I'd expected. I still haven't really talked to many people about what actually happened, they get a simple 'I realised I didn't like it that much' rather than 'I was lying to your for like a year about my work and how I was doing every time we talked'. These posts have helped me realize something: living an inauthentic life is not uncommon, especially for teens and college kids. They try to look like other people in order to be part of a particular scene or get noticed (or not noticed, as the case may be) or they hope to fake it 'til they make it. And some folks continue to live inauthentically well into adulthood, pretending to love their spouses, pretending to like their jobs, humoring people they don't care for. I took it to an extreme, to put it mildly, but even if it's pathetic, it's a part of growing up. Hmmmm. To 'MrNemo' in particular: I think your situation does resonate with me. In fact, being in the closet was a big influence on my career decisions at the time: basically, I wanted a 'normal' career and shied away from anything 'weird' or artsy-fartsy, this in spite of the fact that I really enjoy being creative. Now, this might have been a good idea regardless, but I should have based those decisions on practical terms rather than how "gay" or not they were. As for whether I have a social life: the answer is a definite "kind of". I have lots of acquaintances, but to be honest if I stop and think about it I'd say I probably only have one truly close friend--my ex-boyfriend (he's been the only male romantic relationship I've had, for those curious), and I see him maybe once or twice a month. I usually go weeks without 'going out' with people. Thing is, I really don't mind. I really enjoy my time alone. I feel like I can rest when I'm on my own. I don't know if I'm just a natural introvert or if some side effect of my former lifestyle (and I wonder if it's something I'll "grow out of") but as of right now I don't feel like my sparse social life is a problem. Sockmuppet posted:You just came out to us Ha, thanks. I'd already mentioned I was gay before on this username so I wasn't in a panic--I used the alias mostly because it just felt like common sense for such a personal topic--it was more like the embarrassment of clumsily spilling your drink all over yourself in front of everyone at a party.
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May 28, 2015 00:19
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(I have no idea why, but I recognized your username and went "oh, I've seen that guy around from before I even made an account!")
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I'm actually super outgoing and personable but "going out" is something I just don't find any interest in. I'll go golfing or biking a couple times a week, but going out to eat or to the bars just doesn't strike my fancy and I'd rather be at home on the couch reading a book or something. Re: the whole gay thing, just be yourself. The only thing cool people will hate you for is if you aren't yourself. They don't give a poo poo if you are gay, that's what makes you you. It's when you try to act like somebody else to fit in or whatever that you become lame. Of course people change due to where they are in their life, but I've always had the best results from just being my normal (really loving weird) self. The people you want to hang out with will welcome you with open arms, and the lovely people will still be lovely but you can just tell them to gently caress right off.
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May 30, 2015 13:49
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Choco1980 posted:Count me in as another person who lives in the closet by omission. I'm bi, I've always been bi. As soon as I started noticing the girls while growing up, I started noticing the boys. However, my family undoubtedly assumes I'm straight because I've never had a male relationship that would come to their attention, and due to their nosiness, I feel it's none of their business who I sleep with. (I don't think it'd even be something they'd disapprove of, my step-brother is gay and no one cares) Well now I'm in a committed relationship with a trans man (born a woman, wants to be a man) and for all intents and purposes, I consider him my boyfriend. To make matters worse, that's not even the bottom of the rabbit hole because I'm also polyamorous, and he is happily married. To a man. I have custody of my son for two months in the summer, and he wants to spend time together the three of us. It will be hard to not discuss these events with my folks as they are, as I said, very nosy, and will undoubtedly want to know more. I have a feeling some of the cats will be out of the bag very soon. Almost tl;dr but that's quite a lot.
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May 30, 2015 23:51
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Let's see if I could get the thread going in some new directions.
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Jun 1, 2015 18:21
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