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goons have sex right? you ever had your dick puked on? you ever puked on a dick? are queefs funny or just gross?
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May 18, 2015 01:29
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I farted. She said she would,t have noticed unless I mentioned it.
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May 18, 2015 01:31
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passed 1 of the half dozen tonsoliths ive ever had to a girl while eating her out thought about it... kept going, hosed her, came in her a week later she told me i should go to a doctor about the poison load stink my nuts apparent produce i never said what happened and the relationship didnt last long after that
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May 18, 2015 01:33
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she poo poo herself then tried to blame it on me hahaha i just realised how hosed up that is that girl was a trainwreck
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May 18, 2015 01:34
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I puked on my first boyfriends dick while giving him head because I had the flu and all the swallowing of spit and other fluids made me ill. There, puke dick story as requested, thanks OP for letting me get this off my chest.
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May 18, 2015 01:46
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I spent the summer between my 2nd and 3rd year of college suckling on the parental teat in South Florida. It was the absolute prime of my “do anything to get laid” phase. I was recently freed from a 4-year long-distance relationship that began in high school and I wanted nothing more than to have sex with as many girls as possible. Most of the things I did that summer are not story-worthy; you can only tell the same, “I got drunk on Dom and hosed this hottie” story so many times before it gets annoying. That summer I experienced every random sex situation that a 20 year old can imagine: loving on the beach, getting head from random girls in club bathrooms, sleeping with 3 different girls in a day, getting so drunk I passed out during sex, getting arrested for receiving fellatio in the pool at the Delano, blah, blah, blah…Jesus. What does it say about how hosed up my life is that I don’t consider these stories to be extraordinary anymore? Anyway, while most of my stories may not be extraordinary for me, there is one very notable exception… I was seeing one girl, “Jaime,” about twice a week. She was a fresh arrival to South Beach, having moved there 5 months ago from upstate New York as a 19 year old with a modeling contract. We met through a mutual friend who befriended her while they were shooting a TV commercial. Five weeks and lots of sex later, she thought we were dating. I knew better, but she was way too hot to bother correcting her assumption. The ex-girlfriend of 4-years I previously spoke about was very sexually conservative. It was missionary in the dark and then straight to sleep, with maybe a blowjob on the weekends if she’d had a few glasses of wine with dinner (it was a high school relationship, I didn’t know any better). After four years of this, I was ready to experience all the things I’d missed out on (when I wasn’t cheating on her, of course). Buttsex, known in the biz as “anal,” was one of these unknowns, and I decided that I wanted to try it. Jaime was the perfect partner: very hot and very sweet, and more importantly, very naïve and very open to suggestion. She was reluctant at first, not understanding why we just couldn’t keep having normal sex, so I had to employ my persuasive powers: Jaime “But…I’ve never done it.” Tucker “I’ve never done it either; it can be our thing.” Jaime “But…I don’t know if I’ll like it.” Tucker “You won’t have to worry about getting pregnant.” Jaime “But…I like normal sex.” Tucker “Everyone’s doing anal. It’s the new black.” Jaime “But…I don’t know…it seems weird.” Tucker “It’s the preferred method in Europe. Especially with the runway models. Don’t you want to do runways in Europe?” After a few weeks of this, she finally consented. Though she agreed to let me put my penis in her small hole, she extracted a promise in return: “OK, we can try anal sex, but I want it to be special and romantic. You have to take me out to a nice place, like The Forge or Tantra, NOT one of your parent’s restaurants, and it has to be a weekend night, NOT a Monday. And you have to keep taking me out on weekends. I’m tired of being your Monday night girl.” I made reservations for the next Friday at Tantra. Aside from being insanely expensive, Tantra is famous for having grass floors. Really; they put in new sod every week. They also advertise their food as “aphrodisiac cuisine.” Yes, at that point in my life, I thought these things worked. Thanks to my father’s connections, I got us a corner booth in the grass room. She was quite impressed. I ordered like it was the Last Supper. No expense was spared. Two $110 bottles of merlot, veal rack, stone crabs, the Tantra Love platter–it was lavish and decadent. I was 21, stupid, and wanted to gently caress Jaime in the butt; I wasn’t about to let a $400 tab get in my way. By the time we left Tantra, this girl had doe eyes that made Bambi look like a heroin-chic CK model. She could not have been more in love with me. The entire drive back to my place she was rubbing my crotch, telling me how badly she wanted to me to gently caress her, how hot I made her, etc, etc. We get back to my place and our clothes are off before we even get in the door. We collapse on the bed and start loving. Normal vaginal sex at first, just like always. Now, what she did not know, and what I have not told you yet, was that I had a surprise waiting for her. [Aside: Before I tell you what the surprise was, let me make this clear: As I stand right now, 27 as of this writing, I am a bad person. At 21, I was possibly the worst person in existence. I had no regard for the feelings of others, I was narcissistic and self-absorbed to the point of psychotic delusion, and I saw other people only as a means to my happiness and not as humans worthy of respect and consideration. I have no excuse for what I did; it was wrong and I regret it. Even though I normally revel in my outlandish behavior, sometimes even I cross the line, and this is one of those situations….but of course, I’m still going to write about it.] This was going to be my first time foraging in the rear end forest, and I wanted to have a reminder of my trip, a memento I could carry with me the rest of my life…so I decided to film us. I planned this beforehand, but I was afraid she would decline, so instead of being mature and discussing this with Jaime, I just made the executive decision to get it on camera…without telling her. That alone is pretty bad. But instead of just setting up a hidden camera…I got my friend to hide in my closet and film it. No really–I know that I will burn in hell. At this point, I’m just hoping that my life can serve as a warning to others. I left my door unlocked and we arranged it so that around midnight my friend would go over to my place and wait until my car pulled in, and then run into the closet and get the camera ready. The top half of the closet door was a French shutter, so it was easy to move the slats and give him a decent camera shot through the closed door. By the time Jaime and I got to the bed, I was so drunk I had forgotten that he was filming this, and of course she had no idea he was there. After a few minutes of standard sex, she kinda stopped and said, all serious and in her best seductive soap opera voice, “I’m ready.” I quickly flipped her over and grabbed the brand new bottle of AstroGlide I had on my bedside table. A week prior, after Jaime consented to buttsex, I realized that I didn’t have any idea how to do it. How exactly do you gently caress a girl in the rear end? Luckily, I had the world’s best anal sex informational resource at my disposal: The gay waiter. I consulted several gay waiters who worked at one of my parents restaurants about the mechanics of buttsex, and each one recommended AstroGlide as the lubricant of choice. Much to my dismay, I learned that spitting on your dick is not enough lube for buttsex. Stupid, lying porn movies. The other important piece of advice I remembered was from Calvin, “Make sure you use enough, because if this is her first time, she’ll be especially tight, and it might hurt her. Use enough to really loosen her up and go slow until she gets used to it. Then it’s smooth sailing from there.” Well, since some is good, more is better, right? At 21, this seemed logical. I opened the cap, crammed the bottle top into her rear end in a top hat, and squeezed. I probably emptied half of the 4-ounces of AstroGlide into her. I have since learned from homosexuals that a 4-ounce bottle usually lasts them about 6 months. So yeah–I overdid it. But Tucker Max wasn’t done. Oh no, after depositing enough grease in her to run a Formula One racecar, I dumped half of what remained onto my cock and balls, really wanting to lube up because I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable. Really–consider my thought process: I was going to gently caress her in the butt and film it without her consent, yet I was truly concerned about her personal comfort. Sometimes the contradictions in my personality even amuse me. Predictably, I slid in with ease. She was a little tense at first, but with an Exxon Valdez size load spilled into her poop chute, she quickly loosened up and got into it. I liked it also; it had a different feel to it. Not as good as vaginal sex, a little grainy, kinda tight, but still very nice. Before I knew it I was loving her like the apocalypse was imminent, burying it to the hilt with impunity. After a few minutes I was ready to come. My urgency was expressed in my tempo, and I began really jackhammering her. As the excitement got the best of me, I pulled out too far and my dick came out of her rear end. I kinda scrambled to grab my dick and put it back in so I could finish off inside of her, but before I could even get a hold of it and put it back in her rear end, I heard a faint “psssst” sound and felt something wet and warm hit my crotch. It was dark in the room (I was not smart or sober enough to leave the lights on for the camera), so after I looked down it took me a few seconds to realize that my dick, balls and groin area were covered in a viscous black liquid. I stopped moving and stared at my strangely colored crotch for a good 5 seconds, completely confused, until I realized what happened: “Did you…did you just…poo poo on my dick??” I reached down to touch the liquid feces, still in complete and utter disbelief that this girl shot explosive diarrhea on my penis, when, without warning, the smell hit me. I have a very sensitive nose, and I have never been more repulsed by a smell in my life. The combination of synthetic AstroGlide and rancid stench of raw fecal matter combined to turn my stomach, which was full of seafood, veal and wine, completely over. I tried to hold it back. I really did everything I could to stop myself, but there are certain physical reactions that are beyond conscious control. Before I knew what I was doing, it just came out: “BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH” I vomited all over her rear end. Into her crack. Into her rear end in a top hat. On her rear end cheeks. On the small of her back. Everywhere. She turned her head, said, “Tucker, what are you doing?,” saw me vomiting on her, screamed “Oh my God!,” and immediately joined me: “BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH” Watching her throw up on my bed made me vomit even more. Her vomiting all over my bed, me vomiting on her rear end, the next step was almost inevitable. I heard the loud CRASH first, turned to see my friend break through the shutters and rip the closet door off as he, the video camera, and the door tumbled out of the closet and crashed onto the floor next to us: “BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH” The memory of the 2-second span where all three of us were vomiting at once is permanently seared into my brain. I have never heard anything like that symphony of sickness. It was like something out of the old Pink Panther movies. I think the crowning moment was when my eyes locked with Jaime’s, I saw her moment of realization and then her quick shift from shock and surprise to complete and irreparable anger. Between bouts of hurling she flipped out: “OH MY GOD–BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH–YOU FILMED THIS, YOU rear end in a top hat– BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH– HOW COULD YOU– BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH–I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME–BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH–OH MY GOD– BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH–I LET YOU gently caress ME IN THE rear end–BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH.” She tried to stand up, slipped on the huge puddle of backflow AstroGlide on the bed, and fell into both my pile and her pile of vomit, covering her body and hair in vomit, poo poo and anal lubricant. She flailed on the bed for a second, grabbed the top sheet, wrapped it around her, and started running out of my place. Still naked and retching, my dick covered in poo poo and oil, I followed her as far as my front door. The last contact I ever had with her is the image I witnessed of her in a dead sprint, a poo poo, vomit and grease stained sheet stuck to her body, running from my apartment. POST-SCRIPT: The camera we used was one of those old fragile ones that filmed onto a VHS tape, and when he crashed out of the closet, the tape recorder and tape broke. It didn’t occur to us at that the tape records the images magnetically, and we could take the actual tape itself and get someone to put it in another holster until after we had thrown it out. I know it seems stupid now, and believe me I kick myself about it everyday, but you should have seen the apartment afterwards–the tape was not a high priority. AstroGlide, poo poo and vomit covered EVERYTHING. I had to rent one of those steam cleaners, buy a new mattress, and I STILL lost my deposit. It was impossible to get the smell out. The next month was like living in a sewer. Every girl I brought back to my place after that refused to stay there, and some even refused to sleep with me anywhere because of how my place smelled. What I never found out, and I still want to know, is how the girl got home. I never heard from her again, and the mutual friend who introduced us called her but didn’t get her calls returned. I never heard anything about her or from her again, even though she left her clothes and ID at my place (she wore a tight dress out that night, and didn’t bring a purse or any money with her). Can you picture that scene? What did she do, hop in taxi? Wave down a passing car? Get on the bus? She lived at least 30 miles away, there is no way she walked home. It perplexes me to this day. I’m hoping she reads this. Maybe then I’ll find out how she got home.
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May 18, 2015 02:19
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When her dad came home really early caught us on the sofa it was really awkward but the queef she made when I pulled out lightened the whole situation
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May 18, 2015 02:20
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Giblet Plus! posted:I spent the summer between my 2nd and 3rd year of college suckling on the parental teat in South Florida. It was the absolute prime of my “do anything to get laid” phase. I was recently freed from a 4-year long-distance relationship that began in high school and I wanted nothing more than to have sex with as many girls as possible. ya
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May 18, 2015 02:26
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Giblet Plus! posted:I spent the summer between my 2nd and 3rd year of college suckling on the parental teat in South Florida. It was the absolute prime of my “do anything to get laid” phase. I was recently freed from a 4-year long-distance relationship that began in high school and I wanted nothing more than to have sex with as many girls as possible. "and we call ourselves the Aristocrats"
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May 18, 2015 02:27
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Fart noises from our chests pressed together. We both laughed, then finished.
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May 18, 2015 02:29
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my dick is a joke and my low hanging balls are the punchline
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May 18, 2015 02:34
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VendaGoat posted:Fart noises from our chests pressed together. We both laughed, then finished. sex in the tub under a running shower makes some hilarious fart sounds as skin pulls away from the tub surface, highly recommended
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May 18, 2015 02:35
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diabeetz posted:goons have sex right? no, no, sometimes both e. creepiest thing was getting a bj in a girls bedroom when i was 17. It was dark out and her drapes were open. I felt like we were being watched. Then her dad stormed in the house and starting banging on the door saying to let him in. I pulled up my pants and she opened the door. He just asked us to keep the door unlocked. Ramsus fucked around with this message at 02:38 on May 18, 2015 |
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May 18, 2015 02:35
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no one on gbs has sex
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May 18, 2015 02:52
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poo poo anus
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May 18, 2015 02:53
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I want that story to be real so badly. I put a hairbrush up an ex's rear end in a top hat. just the handle though.
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May 18, 2015 03:11
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diabeetz posted:I want that story to be real so badly. what was his name?
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May 18, 2015 03:13
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that sure is a thing I'll be honest about.
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May 18, 2015 03:19
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you irl posted:what was his name? im p sure diabeetz is a chick lol i put my finger up my exs butt and poop got on it and then she looked at me and said it was my fault for putting it up there i wiped it on her and ran away to play WoW
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May 18, 2015 03:23
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Fetus Tree posted:im p sure diabeetz is a chick lol yeah me and my REALLY HOT GIRLFRIEND from canada is planning to meet me in a few months and we met on wow.
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May 18, 2015 03:30
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i was having sex with this girl and she was about to come and said stop STOP STOP so I did and she cried. turns out she can't even bring herself to climax without crying and goes off to cut herself. was hilarious when I was like "WHAT THE gently caress WHAT THE gently caress WHAT THE gently caress WHAT THE gently caress WHAT DID I DO" and she was laying there crying
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May 18, 2015 03:31
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Fetus Tree posted:im p sure diabeetz is a chick lol yeah me and my REALLY HOT GIRLFRIEND from canada is planning to meet me in a few months and we met on wow.
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May 18, 2015 03:42
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You ever get going on some bitch and it sounds like a butter churn? Like "fwwt a fwwt a fwwt" etc? Full disclosure this is not an rear end sex story Fuller disclosure I loved her and she married someone else.
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May 18, 2015 04:11
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Fetus Tree posted:im p sure diabeetz is a chick lol oh I didn't get that it was a gay joke; I figured they knew someone who took it up the rear end with a hairbrush handle as well.
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May 18, 2015 04:39
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I took someone's virginity but he lost his boner and started crying and we kinda never spoke again after I moved shortly later. I think he's a closet gay though 
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May 18, 2015 04:40
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Giblet Plus! posted:I spent the summer between my 2nd and 3rd year of college suckling on the parental teat in South Florida. It was the absolute prime of my “do anything to get laid” phase. I was recently freed from a 4-year long-distance relationship that began in high school and I wanted nothing more than to have sex with as many girls as possible. Pulling from the old Tucker Max well are we?
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May 18, 2015 09:14
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I once stuck a tangerine up my ex's vag. Seemed like a good idea at the time. It wasn't.
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May 18, 2015 09:32
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blainestereo posted:I once stuck a tangerine up my ex's vag. Seemed like a good idea at the time. It wasn't. Anyone else hearing this in Michael Caine's voice?
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May 18, 2015 09:40
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LeoMarr posted:yeah me and my REALLY HOT GIRLFRIEND from canada is planning to meet me in a few months and we met on wow. This but unironicly
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May 18, 2015 11:28
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May 18, 2015 12:27
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Queefs can be funny in little "frrt" quantities. When they become louder, wetter, and longer than what a 6-hour hundred-taco bender can produce, and induce distinct labial oscillation, they can become horrifying. The type of thing Lovecraft would say was described in the Necronomicon.
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May 18, 2015 12:39
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-Misfit- posted:Anyone else hearing this in Michael Caine's voice? But not many people know that
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May 18, 2015 16:02
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I had a girl riding on my lap, and went to lift her up onto my face, but she catapulted forward and split her eyebrow on a window sill. There was a lot of blood and screaming, and I had to go... I did not notice that I had put on her jeans in my scramble to flee.
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May 18, 2015 16:34
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-Misfit- posted:Anyone else hearing this in Michael Caine's voice? do we hear his voice all of the time or just right now? because i'm off my meds
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May 18, 2015 16:36
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Giblet Plus! posted:I spent the summer between my 2nd and 3rd year of college suckling on the parental teat in South Florida. It was the absolute prime of my “do anything to get laid” phase. I was recently freed from a 4-year long-distance relationship that began in high school and I wanted nothing more than to have sex with as many girls as possible.
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May 18, 2015 16:37
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i hosed a larger BBW type chick didnt know she was wearing a weave lloll ended up destroying it as i pulled on it when she requested a facial i viciously flogged my meat to no avail, prolly cuz her face was all hilariously intense whilst her hair was all mest up lol finally she says in a calm rear end voice to 'cum u light-skin human being' crazily enough that inspired me to come—cept it was some serious shooting and it went like a hit to the deathstar—right to the eye. she tackled me and started to beat me in the face, which caused me to actually come again—cept this time i shot it str8 inside her pussy. that is how my son was conceived.
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May 18, 2015 16:52
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gently caress da Mods posted:i hosed a larger BBW type chick lol
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May 18, 2015 17:08
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gently caress da Mods posted:i hosed a larger BBW type chick haha women, right?
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May 18, 2015 17:12
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gently caress da Mods posted:i hosed a larger BBW type chick GOD, dad, you're always embarrassing me!
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May 18, 2015 17:46
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| # ? Apr 25, 2024 17:56 |
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gently caress da Mods posted:i hosed a larger BBW type chick lt's pretty rare that i literally laugh out loud at a post but this one did it lmao
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May 18, 2015 17:47
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